Confessions of A Runaway
by Shiori90210
Summary: (Finally completed. All my love -Chi) Mikan lost her father which seems to have triggered her hard life. With her mother's abusive boyfriend and her mother no longer being her mother. What is she to do especially with 5 year old Youichi involved? Run away. Rated for Language/Violence
1. Tragedy

_H__ey fans and new readers,_

_This story has gone under massive reconstruction. I decided that they way I originally wrote this story would make it super complicated and hard to move forward kind of like how LO__ANSGG was. I understand that some of you were disappointed with the ending and I have nothing else to say about besides that it was hard to write and if I didn't just end it, it would've stayed unfinished._

_So I'm sorry. I hope that this story goes a lot smoother and I gain new fans with it._

_RxExR_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 1: Tragedy<strong>_

With my head pressed up against the window of my bedroom and Paramore blasting at full volume in my ears, I am oblivious to the world. Watching the drops of rain slide down the outer pane of the window, everything seems peaceful. The glass of my bedroom window is cool against my head. The light tapping of the rain seemed to drum along to the song's rhythm. I prop my knee up to rest my elbow on top of it. I run my hands through my hair, pulling it up into a loose ponytail. I hadn't showered today just so I didn't have to leave my room. My hair felt thin and greasy. I wipe my hands on the leg of my sweat pants. Normally greasy hair would disgust me, but these days not having to leave my room was worth a little hygiene rejection.

I let out a sigh, blowing the bangs out of my eyes. That's the ninth time I've sighed today and it's not even ten o'clock yet. I always get up early, even on Saturdays. Sleeping isn't the luxury it used to be. I remember when sleeping in on Saturday mornings made the school week worth it. I look around my room; the dark blue walls covered in posters of different bands and famous icons, inspirational quotes, and photographs. The desk in the corner of the room is stacked high with textbooks, notebooks and papers. I take on extra school work and activities so I don't have to be home. I'm on the debate team and in drama club. I help organize school trips and dances and fundraisers.

The bookshelf next to my desk is filled to the brim with books. I like to read. I read everything from magazines to novels. If I have a spare moment, I am reading. On the bus to and from school, during lunch, between passing periods, even in class I am always reading. My teachers have mixed feelings towards me because even though I do my work and take on so much, I am always reading in class. No matter what a star pupil you are, reading in class was taboo. I couldn't care less. If the material in class didn't bore me to tears, maybe I wouldn't be reading so much.

My eyes drift to my vanity table covered in nail polish of different dark colors: crimson, violet, navy, black and dark grey. Outside of my house, I am the perky girl hiding behind fakes smiles. Inside my house, I am a shadow, a fly on the wall, invisible until… My thoughts are drifting. My bed that sits opposite my desk was unmade, sheets rumpled and hanging off the bed. My nightstand catches my attention with my butterfly lamp and a picture frame. The frame is a cheap plastic green frame that I bought at a convenience store. The frame didn't matter though, the picture inside is more precious to me than anything. The photograph is of my parents and me, back when my family was a family. In the photo I'm about eight years old my hair is short and in two tiny pig tails. I was in my favorite bright orange sun dress with yellow flowers on it and a hat that was too big for me was on my head. I held up the front with both hands and smiled into the camera. A pair of big arms surrounded my tiny frame, my dad's arms. Yukihara Izumi was his name and he was the biggest goofball.

Embarrassing himself to the point of injury just to make me smile. His mop of blonde hair that he kept shaggy was my mom's favorite thing about him. He was such a kid. He taught at the elementary school I went to so I was able to see him and have lunch with him every day. In the photograph we're at the park that's not too far from my old house. The hat I was wearing belonged to my mother who took the photo. Back when she was capable of doing anything….

I sigh and turn back to the window. Our town was an average sized suburbia perfect for small families and a loving environment. At least that's where I use to live. Now we live with my mother's boyfriend. I'll get to that later.

It wasn't long after that picture was taken that I lost the most important person in my life. It was summer and our house didn't have an air conditioner, so we kept the windows and doors open during the day and had a fan in each room. It was a little after one in the afternoon. I was sprawled out on the living room floor; Inuyasha was on the television while I colored my giant pieces of construction paper. My mother was doing housework. She worked from home as a sales woman for all sorts of products so she was able to keep the house in order, check my homework and brush my hair. She made breakfast, lunch, and dinner and always asked how my day was. The laundry was dancing in the breeze on the clothesline in our backyard. My mom was washing the dishes when the phone rang.

She answered in her usual chipper tone, anticipating my dad's usual lunch break phone call. I sprinted up from the floor and wrapped myself around my mother's legs.

"I want to talk to daddy! I want to talk to daddy!" I would always scream.

She put a hand on my head and I could tell by her voice that it wasn't my father on the phone. I stopped bouncing, but kept holding her legs. My mother was a beautiful woman. I have her cheekbones, but my father's smile. She had long brunette hair identical to mine and big brown eyes. In the next several seconds I watched my mother's smile fade and the light leave her eyes. The phone fell from her hand with a clack and she turned to stone in my arms. I called to her and tugged her apron. She seemed surprised that I was there and sank to the floor. Her slender arms wrapped around me so tightly I thought I might burst. And then she was sobbing, the kind of sobbing that racks your whole body. It was in that moment on the kitchen floor with my crying mother holding me so tightly, that I knew my life was about to change.

My mom sent me to the country side to live with my Jii-chan. When my mother told me that my father was dead, I asked her what that meant. I watched anime and read manga so I knew about death, but those things only happened in books, right? Wrong. I stayed at my Jii-chan's for the rest of the summer. There was an investigation into my father's death. Suspects and warrants, but in the end nothing came of it. They hit a dead end. My father was shot in broad daylight and no one was going to pay for it. I was angry. I never wanted to be happy again, but I needed to be there for my mother. The day of his funeral, I cried. I cried until there were no more tears left. I held my mother's hand as she trembled throughout the funeral.

I was eight years old, but never in my life had I felt so small and useless, especially when my mom started to fall apart. My mom was a teenage mother who dropped out of high school to have me. She didn't mind because my dad took care of her. He was older and it was completely scandalous in the little town my mom grew up in. So with my Jii-chan's blessing they moved here and started to raise me. My mother was very dependent on my father. He was the bread winner and she was the house wife. The salary of an elementary school teacher wasn't much, but with support from my Jii-chan, my parents were able to buy a small two story house. We were far from rich, but we were very comfortable. Money never seemed all that important.

As time went on, my mother was deteriorating. She wasn't confident or stable enough to get a real job to support us, so we had to move to a smaller house in a less than virtuous part of town. Our one story house was small, but it wasn't too bad. The water was brown for a little while and the roof leaked some, but it was home. Even with my Jii-chan giving us money we got our electricity and water turned off constantly. By the time I was nine I had to take care of myself. I was making my own lunches, dressing myself and brushing my own hair. My mom didn't do much. She did laundry occasionally and cooked when she felt up to it. She was torn between being my mother and being completely destroyed.

I was completely gutted about my dad's death. There were days when I would wake up thinking that I heard his voice or his laugh. My heart would leap and I'd sit straight up, only to have to face the heartbreaking reality. Taking care of myself over the years slowly became taking care of my mom. She wasn't cooping well with my father's death and she didn't know how to deal with it. He was the only thing that came into her life and chose to stay. So when he was taken from her, she was lost. By the time I was twelve I was cooking meals and cleaning and helping her take care of herself. I was twelve going on thirty and I didn't know what else I was supposed to do.

Aside from my rapid aging and my mother's ceaseless depression life wasn't that bad. I went to school and had friends and pretended my home life was perfect. Then I'd come home clean up, cook, do my homework, put my mom to bed and go to sleep. I was fortunate that my school had a uniform dress code; it saved me the trouble of shopping for clothes. My life wasn't great, but I had adapted well because that's what my dad would have wanted me to do.

The funny thing about life is, when you feel like you're on your feet and there's nowhere to go but up, it knocks you on your ass again. Unable to deal with the pain and in no financial position to see a doctor, my mother discovered the next best thing: alcohol. It started with wine: a glass here, a sip there, mostly in the evenings and sometimes in the afternoons. Then it became her focus. She drank from the time she got up, till the time she passed out. The empty bottles slowly increasing on the coffee table and in the kitchen, it became my job to get rid of them. I was in denial about her drinking until she started on hard liquors. My mother never left the house except to buy enough booze to keep her blissfully drunk for days on end.

My denial of her growing problem became my small family's downfall. She was an addict and I knew it, but I was fourteen, what was I supposed to do? I tried hiding bottles, pouring them down the sink and convincing her that she already drank them. My mom is a forgetful drunk so she would buy my story every time I told her. She mumbled a lot too. Anything she thought about, but wouldn't necessarily want to talk about when she was sober, came out when she was drunk. She hated our house even though her drinking was the reason that we were living so poorly. I put up with my mother's drinking to a certain extent because she smiled when she drank and that's something she can't do sober. I missed my mother's smile. It was warm and inviting. The kind of smile you grow up seeing, so when you saw it you knew that you were home.

I sigh against the glass of the window and draw a heart in the condensation. The house we live in now is pretty nice. On the outside it's a two story house made of red bricks in a pretty good part of town with a small yard and a garden. It had four bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, and a kitchen joint to a living room. The house has nice furniture and to the outside world it's a perfect home for a small family. My small family is anything, but perfect.

In the winter of my freshman year of high school, the devil and his spawn emerged from the snow. His name is Serio Rei and he seemed to come out of nowhere. I was sitting in the kitchen working on my project for my science class when the doorbell rang. I put down the strips of newspaper I was using for my paper mache volcano and wiped my paste covered hands on the kitchen towel. As I walked to the door of the small one story home I shared with my mother, I heard it open. To my surprise, my somewhat sober mother was at the door in the arms of a man I didn't recognize. Behind him was a small boy who couldn't be more than four years old. The boy had a unique grey hair color and blue-green eyes that blended to look turquoise. He was in large coat and had ear muffs over his ears. His hands were buried in the pockets of his coat and his eyes were void of any emotion.

When my mother finally detangled herself from the mystery man, she introduced him. She said his name in a sickeningly sweet tone. He corrected her and said he preferred to be called Persona. I thought to myself that the name 'Persona' sounded like someone who was nothing but bad news. The 'kid' as Persona referred to him was Youichi. He was Persona's foster child. Since Persona didn't seem like the type of person to take in a foster child out of the kindness of his heart, this raised a red flag for me. His whole presence raised a red flag. He was nothing like my dad so I didn't understand my mother's attraction and although I spent the most of my time at school it never occurred to me that my mother would venture out of the house and pick up some guy, especially a guy that gave me the creeps. His dark, clown like hair and his creepy eyes made my stomach twist uncomfortably.

At first Persona just seemed sketchy and nothing more, Youichi didn't ever speak and I thought he might be a mute. They stayed over some nights which made me uneasy. Youichi stayed in my bed and I slept on the couch. I didn't dwell on where Persona would be sleeping. Aside from my mother's new 'boyfriend', life continued on as usual until Persona decided the way that we were living was an 'embarrassment' so we had to move. And without even consulting her fifteen year old daughter, my mother had us packed up and shipped off to our current dwelling.

As far as living situations go, it was a nice improvement I have my own room and there's decent plumbing and hot water. I was uncomfortable living with my mom's new boyfriend and his kid, but I figured I wouldn't be around much to really complain. Then the devil shed his good guy mask and turned into the monster I've come to loathe. Turns out, Persona is into heavy drugs. Using them, selling them, and trafficking them. He also has a serious case of OCD. When we first came to live with them, I was under the impression that they had the place cleaned before our arrival, but Persona is just a neat freak. He always says 'everything has a place'. The pantry was stocked in size order, the spice rack was alphabetized, and every surface had been wiped clean. The house is uncomfortable clean, almost stale, like a surgical wing.

He made me clear on the house rules about cleanliness, noise, and curfew. I made a joke about the sterility of the house and he gave me a glare that could kill. It was only for a moment, but it froze my whole body over. Living with an obsessive compulsive, drug dealing, potential serial killer was bad enough, but the worst had yet to come. At the start of second term of my freshman year I got casted in the school play. It wasn't a lead part, but it was still a decent role. I had to go to rehearsals a lot. One rehearsal ran later than it was supposed to and I ended up catching the last bus home. Persona's 'curfew' is seven o'clock, as in 'be in the house no later than'. By the time I caught the bus and walked up the front steps to my house it was seven twenty three. I didn't have a cell phone, but I figured it wasn't really a big deal since it was school related.

When I got home I called out for my mother and got no reply. She was most likely passed out in her bedroom. I decided to go in the kitchen and see what I could make for Youichi and me to eat. Persona was sitting at the table eating an apple. I didn't bother to greet him, since we already established a mutual disdain for one another, but he spoke.

"You're late." He said in his venomous tone.

The sound made me lose my appetite. I closed the fridge and turned to face him, explaining that rehearsals ran late. He stood up slowly and pushed the dining chair back in precisely. He threw the core away in the trash and turned to me. He grasped one of my low pig tails in his hand and played with it.

"You know that curfew is at seven."

"I know, but-"

He gave my hair a hard yank. I yelped in pain and he tightened his grip. His word was law he said and if I missed curfew again I'd regret it. He shoved me against the fridge and left. I stood there for a long moment replaying the scene in my head. Everything there was to fear about Persona was becoming clear. I ran upstairs to my room and shut the door. I had goose bumps and didn't sleep at all that night. I kept feeling like he would come into my room and smother me.

Who I am now mocks the sixteen year old girl I was then. Thinking that hair grabbing and shoving was the worst of it. As the months dragged on my mother became more different and my number one fear was realized. My mother was a junkie. Strung out on God knows what and physically incapable of doing anything except getting high. This fear was realized on the day when I came home from school with Youichi in tow. We walked in on some sort of druggie party where there were people I didn't recognize smoking and drinking. Persona must've been high too because he smiled when he saw us. I went over to my mother and shook her shoulders. She didn't even recognize me or register where she was. She just smiled and giggled like a child.

My eyes stung with tears and I grabbed Youichi and ran upstairs. I'd been losing my mother since my father died, but I held on to bits and pieces and now there was nothing to hold onto. As my mother lost all grip on reality, Persona decided to take a firmer grip with me and Youichi. We were given chores and responsibilities; since my mother was out of commission and he himself was too high and mighty for housework, but it had to be done to his specifications. So we went to school and we cleaned and we did homework and we cleaned. It was my job to take care of Youichi. He was pretty good at taking care of himself, but I still felt protective of him. The poor thing had the devil for a guardian.

Youichi was a tad mean spirited. He got into fights at school and didn't care who he hit as long as he could hit. No one knew why, but I did. It's all he knows. I'd seen Persona hit my mother and my mother hit him back. I'd seen him hit Youichi and he hit me as well. I'd never witness more than a slap or a rough grab, but we hadn't fully tapped into the devil's true nature. Drugs played a big part in Persona's buildup of rage. Even if the house was perfect like he wanted, he'd find something wrong. A can, not facing forward in the cupboard, the dishes not properly placed in the dishwasher and so on. I guess with me around taking care of Youichi and the chores, Persona felt like he can up his dosage on a daily basis.

One day Youichi got into another fight at school and they sent him home with a note to be signed. He presented the note at the dinner table and all hell broke loose. Persona was shouting, making even Youichi show some fear. Persona raised his hand and I immediately launched myself at him. Dishes scattered to the floor and the mess just increased Persona's rage. He closed his hands around my throat and squeezed, I thought for a moment he might kill me, but he released me long enough to cock back a fist and hit me in the stomach. I doubled over in pain and Youichi crawled under the table in fright. Persona flipped the table over sending the entire meal to the floor and grabbed for Youichi. I pushed through my pain and stood up. I hit him over the head with a plate, which did not faze him at all. It succeeded in taking his attention away from Youichi, but now he was fully enraged. He backhanded me across the face which spun me around. I was disoriented, but he didn't let up.

He grabbed a fist full of my hair and threw me to the floor. The shards of the ceramic dinner plates poked me in my legs. I groaned and rolled onto my stomach. He delivered a swift kick to my abdomen and grabbed my hair again. He crouched down next to me and called me a 'disgusting slut' and a 'waste of life'. He spat in my face and threw me down. I laid on the ground as he left, telling me to clean up the mess. Youichi's damp face suddenly appeared before mine as he wiped Persona's saliva off the side of my face with his sleeve. I forced myself to stand up and convince Youichi that I was okay. He looked so terrified and small for the first time since I met him and I just didn't want him to worry anymore.

Where was my mother through this ordeal? She was present for most of it. She watched a monster choke her own daughter and beat her, but couldn't move from her chair. When Persona flipped the table she slipped from the room as if nothing happened. Probably in need of another fix, my mother was gone and I wanted to scream at her to save me, but I knew she couldn't save me. She couldn't even save herself. I don't even think God can save Youichi and me.

The sound of thunder snaps me from my memories. The light rain outside my window has turned into a storm. I remember on rainy days when my dad would make me hot chocolate and read to me. I read to Youichi sometimes. We'll make a fort out of sheets whenever Persona isn't home and we'd read stories together. In a way, I am his only family. An abusive dad and a strung out mom, all we have is each other.

I stand up from my window seat and stretch my arms over my head. I guess I should clean my room before Persona gets home. He does all of his shady dealings at night and comes home in the morning. I figure he crashes at whatever drug hole he's in and sobers up enough to drive home in the a.m. the house is always quiet except for the downstairs television that my mother sat in front of while she coasted on her high. I pick my clothes from the floor and dump them into my laundry basket. Persona makes me do laundry on Saturdays, which I use to do anyway, but I think he likes having the final say when it comes to chores.

The front door slams downstairs and my heart leaps in fear. I move around my room like a bat out of hell throwing clothes into the laundry basket, fixing my sheets, and clearing my desk. I can hear the ominous thump of his shoes on the stairs. I don't know where Youichi is and I pray he is out of sight. I stick the last book on the shelf and admire my speed cleaning. I pick up the laundry basket as I hear Youichi's bedroom door open and close. He probably hid and Persona couldn't be bothered to look for him. My room is a few steps down the hall from Youichi's and in seconds he's at my door.

"Yuka." He drawls.

He's drunk and looks like he slept in a shit hole. His clothes are rumpled and dirty and he's leaning on the doorframe for support.

"I'm not Yuka." I say monotously.

He blinks at me a few times like I had spoken in gibberish and takes a step into my room. My body tenses. I don't like him being my room. It's my only place of solitude, since he hardly ever ventures upstairs except to do room inspections. He looks around my room and looks back at me.

"Don't talk back to me." He slurs.

"I'm not talking back. You called me Yuka and I'm not Yuka." I clarify.

He takes another step toward me.

I don't move because that would be backing down and nothing is more satisfying to Persona than someone who backs down. He's less than two feet from me and I can smell the stench emitting from him. Why couldn't he have just gotten into a car accident on his way back here and died? I question the universe and 'God'. No answer ever comes.

He slams the door close and I clench the side of the basket until my hands hurt and my knuckles are white. Persona's never touched me in a sexual manner, but his lingering gazes make me uncomfortable. At eighteen years old, I look like a younger healthy version of my mother. My hair is long, but I always keep it up when I'm at home. It makes it harder for Persona to grab me when he's in a rage.

"You haven't done the laundry yet. What good are you?" He says.

I remain calm and keep my face blank and don't look into his eyes. Even though my whole body feels hot with rage, I keep a calm demeanor. In these circumstances, I have learned that you can cushion the blow by not irritating him. Sometimes it doesn't make a difference and others times it does. He pushes the basket out of my arms sending the clothes to the floor and shoves me square in the chest. I take a step back and say nothing, willing him to leave with my mind.

"You look just like your mother. Well before any way." He chuckles.

"Before she met you." I say instinctively.

The smirk never leaves his face. He knows he touched a nerve, "Like she was doing so great before."

"We were just fine without you." I clench my teeth to keep from screaming the words.

"Living in a shit hole with a drunk, at least I showed her the finer things in life."

"Like drugs and living like you're dead." I pick up the clothes so I won't have to look at him because I really want to scream.

"Like feeling good with a little hit and getting your fix for a small price."

I don't reply to him. Talking to Persona about drugs is something I avoid at all cost. I don't want to know what he pumps into his body\, let alone my mother's. His hand reaches out and grabs my shoulder. I'm in a tank top, so I can feel the grim from his finger tips on the skin of my shoulder. Now, more than ever, I want to take a scalding hot shower. He brings his face inches from mine.

"What's. . . your price?" He asks in an uncomfortably suggestive manner.

"You sick bastard!" I yell yanking my shoulder out of his grip which ignites something in his eyes.

The basket is on the floor again and kicked into my closet. He wrestles me down to the bed with his hands clutching my throat. Fear, adrenaline, and rage are all swimming in my veins as I struggle beneath him. I want to scream, but all I can do is choke against his hands. I slap him in his face and wiggle my legs violently hoping to knee him in the groin. His hands move to my shoulders and pin me to the bed. My mind races with thoughts of my virginity being stripped from me by the same man who took away what was left of my mother. He buries his face in my neck and takes a deep breath. Tears sting inside of my eyes, but I won't go down without a fight I kick and scream.

"Get off of me! Get off me you sick bastard!" I yell at the top of my lungs.

"Shut the fuck up!" he says and his hand makes solid contact with the side of my face.

But I don't. I keep screaming and kicking and fighting. He's grasping at my sweat pants and grunting in frustration that he can't get the drawstring undone. Tears are pouring down my face and I keep screaming. I am screaming for my mother, my father, anyone who can save me. With all my wiggling and fighting, I am able to get some leverage and push him off of me and onto the floor. I thank God for hang overs and roll to the other side of the bed and stand up.

"I hate you!" I scream.

He gets to his feet and smiles at me, "You should just lie there and take it like your mother does."

"That woman is NOT my mother." I fume.

He picks up my picture frame and I can feel my eyes widen.

"Yeah she's definitely not your old man's trophy wife anymore, huh?" He chides.

"Give me that back." I say.

He's been holding it too long in my opinion and I'm afraid he might dirty it somehow.

"No. I think I'll hold on to this till you learn how to behave." His smirk widens.

"Give it!" I say launching for the frame.

He pulls it out of my grasp before I can get close enough and grabs my face in his hands.

"You're not behaving." He growls.

My back makes contact with my bedroom door. He grabs my hair and throws me to the ground. I land with a hard thump on my side and he uses his foot to roll me onto my back. He places his foot on my throat.

"You don't know how good you have it." He applies pressure to my throat, "I could kill you if I wanted to. No one would even look for you. You're a dirty little slut who will learn her place."

He moves his foot and kicks my side, dropping the picture frame on my face. I curl into myself, holding my nose. Tears stung at my eyes again, but I refuse to let them fall. Persona throws open the door and his footsteps disappear downstairs. Open my eyes and see two little feet by my door. I look up and see Youichi's tear stained face and it breaks my heart so much I begin to sob. He kneels on the ground next to me and pats my head.

I have to rely on a small child for comfort. What an adult I'm shaping up to be. Not like I had any good role models anyway. I lose myself in my sadness and just cry with Youichi's hand patting my hair.

I have to get out of here.

No.

WE have to get out of here.

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><p>Better than the original? Worse? On the fence? Let me know. I thought it might be more interesting to incorporate Youichi in this story.<p>

Please leave me lots of Reviews

Lots of Love,

Chi-chan 3


	2. Death

_Hey everyone,_

_Chapter two is here and please keep it coming with the feedback_

_And for those of you who think you know what I'm doing, where I'm going with this etc. etc._

_Please get over yourself and just read the story._

_ReadxEnjoyxReview_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 2: Death<strong>_

I roll over in Youichi's bed to look at the bedside clock. It read four twenty-three in the morning. Youichi has his arms wrapped around my forearm. He never shows emotion or asks for help or comfort, but there are nights when he sneaks into my room or pull me in his. I'll hear him crying while I'm doing homework and not be able to hold myself back from going to him, not that I would want to. I replace my arm with Youichi's favorite toy, Mr. Bear, and slip silently from his bed. I watch as he tightens his hold on Mr. Bear and settle back into sleep.

I remove the chair that we used to jam the door shut and slip into the silent hallway. I pull the door shut behind me with a soft click and make my way down to the bathroom I share with Youichi. I close the door before I turn on the light. The lock on the bathroom door is broken. Youichi tried to hide in here when Persona was in one of his nastier moods. Persona threw all his weight into the door and twisted the knob violently until it gave way. Youichi was crouched down in the tub. I had just gotten home and I heard the ruckus and wasted no time flying up the stairs.

Youichi was bleeding from his head and Persona had punched the mirror in frustration. He never wanted to leave any evidence in a visible place, in case we dared to call the police. He pushed passed me with his bloody hand and disappeared. Youichi lay, unmoving in the tub. I tried to touch him, but he hit my hand away and tried to get up. He was so disoriented that he would've fell over had I not reached out and grabbed him. I bathed him that night, carefully washing blood out of his hair and off his face. Youichi hates to be babied, despite his young age; he would rather tough out his pain on his own than lean on me for support. I don't take it personally because I don't think he's ever had anyone like me in his life. Anyone that really cared or wanted to wipe his tears or clean his wounds. I do them because my heart aches for him. I'm eighteen, I can go off to university or go work somewhere far, far away and no one would look for me or bother with me. Youichi is six years old now; eighteen is definitely not around the corner.

I prop the chair we keep in the bathroom underneath the door and l look at my reflection. My hair is a greasy mess and my face looks tired. My brown eyes are lifeless and my skin is pale. I turn on the shower and shed my clothing. I catch my reflection, mentally noting the bruises on my wrist, face, and abdomen. I pull my hair out of its ponytail and enter the shower. The hot water stings as it makes contact with my skin. I ignore the sensation and rinse my face with a few splashed of water. As the minutes go by, the shower becomes more relaxing and I take my time soaping my skin and washing my hair several times. I didn't realize how much my hair had grown since I don't let it down often and when I do it's usually messy and dirty. I wonder if I can be pretty like the girls I saw at my school. Not hiding behind my uniform and ponytail, but actually wearing a cute outfit and some make-up. I rinse my hair for the final time allowing the conditioner and the thoughts of ever being more than I am go down the drain.

The faucets squeak as I turn off the water. I step out and rap my body in the yellow terrycloth towel that hung on the back of the bathroom door. I turn off the bathroom light and listen for movement before exiting. The thought of Persona's hands on me and pulling at my sweatpants had me on edge. There was nothing to protect me if he decided to pounce. I remind myself that it is four in the morning and if Persona is home he was either really high or sleeping. I unblock the door and open it as silently as I can muster, listening for breathing or footsteps.

Silence.

I tip toe quickly and silently to my room and close the door. My wall clock read five fifteen. The only time I can take hour long showers is when I'm sure Persona won't try to make advances like early in the morning. The sky outside is a light shade of blue, indicating the sun's promised rise. I turn on my desk lamp and get dressed in the soft yellow glow. I put on another pair of black sweat pants making sure to double knot the drawstring. I put on a plain black bra with a sports bra over it, a tank top and a black t-shirt. I decide that blow drying my hair this early might do more harm than good, so I put my long hair into a bun. I look at the clothes Persona scattered on my floor and sigh. I pick them up in clumps and drop them into my basket. Early in the morning is also the best time for doing laundry. I go back out into the hall and there is a drawstring laundry bag beside Youichi's door. He knows I have to the laundry so he gathers them himself and puts it out for me.

He hates to be around me after we sleep together or I clean him up. I think he's embarrassed which I find cute about him. A little smile graces my face as I balance my basket on my hip with one arm and pick up his laundry bag in the other. I look regretfully down the stairs as I approach them because it's almost like entering another world.

Hell.

A thought occurs to me and I go back into my room. I stare at my bed where that animal tried to feel me up. My blood starts to boil and I practically rip the sheets and pillow cases from their respective places and shove them into my basket. The thought of sleeping on these sheets after 'that' makes me sick to my stomach. I'm tempted to just burn them.

I descend the stairs and see the front door wide open. I roll my eyes, kick it shut and head to the kitchen where the laundry room was attached. It's not weird to find doors or windows open at our house. Persona could never remember to shut it when he's high so that his 'customers' could come and go as they please. He could care less about the safety of me or Youichi. I pass through the kitchen to get to the small laundry room and begin to divide up the clothes. The only sound is the ticking clock on the kitchen wall. My bare feet feel cool against the white tile that covers the kitchen and laundry room. I put in the first load of wash and turn to the kitchen. Empty bottles line the counters along with dirty dishes and cigarettes butts. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. If he wakes up or comes in to this mess, he'll blame me like I'm the one having crazy druggie parties and not cleaning up after my 'guests'. I pull the garbage bag out of the can and walk around the kitchen collecting bottles and use a paper towel to pick up the cigarette butts. My father hated smoking; he would never put up with it, especially in the house. I felt a familiar pang in my chest that I always get when I think of my father.

I clean the kitchen as silently as I can. I load the dishwasher and turn it on and scrub the counters with a strong smelling cleaner. The floor will have to mop, but the washer is buzzing. I set the load to dry and another to wash. I sweep the kitchen and get the steamer mop that cleans and dries at the same time. Persona loves high end cleaning equipment. Obsessive compulsive bastard. I make sure to go over early tile slowly and carefully to remove the ash marks from cigarettes and the stains from different liquors and sticky shoe marks.

When the kitchen is spotless with a light fresh scent, the sun is already peeking through the windows. I start making Sunday morning breakfast of Tamagoyaki which is a rolled omelet. I learned to cook from tutorial videos online. My mother wasn't much help and Persona said it would make me more useful if I did all the cooking. I thought about how they would get by without me. No one to clean or cook or get hit. Youichi's bloody head flashes into my mind and makes me cringe. I can't leave Youichi here by himself. Not ever.

I set the omelets on plates as I finish making them. Youichi likes dried seaweed with his omelet. I put some in his plate. I hear footsteps and my heart tenses. Persona walks into the kitchen looking professional: freshly shaven, pressed suit, somewhat tamed clown hair, and a lack of being high. He picks up a plate and uses his fork to take one of the small fishes I'm cooking straight off the stove. He plops down at the kitchen table and begins to eat.

He sticks his fork in his mouth and spits the food right back out.

"Hot!" he yells.

The risk of saying something sarcastic was far too high and he wasn't in too much of a bad mood so I just take the pan with the fish and distribute them to the remaining plates.

"Newspaper." He grumbles with a mouth full of egg.

I see Youichi with it heading towards the table. I didn't even hear the door open when he retrieved it. He places it in Persona's open hand and receives a 'thwack' on the back of his head as thanks.

"I shouldn't have to ask for it." Persona mutters as he unrolls it. I give Youichi his breakfast plate and he sits as far away from Persona at the table as he can get and begins to eat his foods in big, but discreet bites. If Persona thought he was stuffing his face like an animal, he'd start yelling. That's comical considering Persona is the real animal in this house.

After a heavy silence with only the washer, dryer and the turning pages of the newspaper as a slight filler. Persona rises from the table and discards his plate in the sink and pours himself a cup of tea I have brewing on the stove.

"Where's Yuka?" I asked him as he takes a careful sip of tea.

"In the tub." He responds curtly, "She stinks. You might want to go help her. She wasn't really moving. And clean that room. Your mother is letting the place go."

He turns to leave and I mutter under my breath that she is not my mother. He doesn't hear me and leaves through the back door. I turn off the fire under the stove and try to stay calm as I journey to the devil's nest and my mother's cage. I hear coughing and my heart leaps in my throat. I haven't thought of Yuka as my mother in a long time, but some part of me was really scared that she might be hurt. The bedroom is a pig sty and I hear splashing in the bathroom. I throw the door open and step inside. My feet are wet immediately because that pig didn't even bother to turn off the faucet and the tub is now overflowing with my mother inside. She's fully clothed. I push back my fear and disgust and run to the faucet shutting it off.

'At least he made the water warm.' I find myself thinking.

She's keeping herself above water by pushing her feet against the front of the tub. She's soaked from head to toe and slowly sinking. I step into the tub, effectively drenching the leg of my pants and I hoist her up. She sputters and coughs. She looks aged, not how a woman in her mid-thirties should look. Her hair is stringy and thin, her skin is pale with black marks from her injections, her face is sullen and she looks so small, almost child-like.

"Mi-mi-", She started to say.

I don't know if she couldn't remember my name or was just having trouble saying it. I didn't dwell on it too long because she fell silent after a while. Youichi came into the bathroom with our traditional mop and an empty bucket and started to get the water off the floor. I got the dingy, soaked clothes off my mother and cleaned her up. I wipe her face and wash her hair. I ask Youichi to hand me one of the hanging towels and I wrap her in it. There is a vanity with a chair in the master bedroom. I put her to sit down and started picking up the clothes off the ground and into the laundry bin. I remove the sheets and discard the any paraphernalia that litter the nightstands, dresser or vanity table.

Yuka reminds me of the mental patients I saw in movies. Sitting in the vanity chair with wet hair, towel clinging to her small, deteriorated frame, an empty look in her eyes that almost mirrored mine, but hers seems far away like she's looking past this life and into the next. Her body looking sickly and she swayed slightly, even when she's trying to sit still. I use some of the dirty clothes to help Youichi dry the floor in the bathroom and dump them into the laundry basket. It takes us over an hour to clean the room, clean the bathroom and remake the bed. I tell Youichi to go and watch television as I dress my mother. It was like dressing a giant rag doll; any position I put her in, she stayed. I push any remorse I have out of my mind and put on a house dress she used to wear when I was young.

I brush her hair at the vanity table and have her facing the mirror. She looks into her own eyes and doesn't say anything. She suddenly looks up at me as if remembering I was in the room with her.

"Mi-chan. Where's Rei?" she asked in a breathy whisper.

"Out." I answer curtly.

"Oh." She says looking dejected.

Persona didn't keep excessive amounts of drugs in accessible places in the house. They were safely locked away in case some crack head got desperate enough to break in when Persona wasn't home. He didn't tell anyone where he kept it especially not Yuka. She may not have the energy to bathe herself or clean, but she can work a needle anytime.

It's kind of scary how alike Yuka and I look. If she had stayed clean she would just look like an older sister at this stage of my life. I drag the brush through her hair that doubled in length from when I last remembered seeing Yuka's hair down. I put it in a low ponytail and helped her get into bed. She just sat there staring blankly ahead so I figured I'd bring her into the living room instead. She shuffled along weakly and I held her shoulders to steer her out into the living room. Youichi was blankly staring at some cartoon I didn't recognize. I put Yuka on the couch since Youichi was in the armchair. I return to the kitchen to start cleaning up. I look at the two plates of uneaten breakfast that belongs to Yuka and me. I place them each in the microwave for a few minutes. I leave mine on the counter and bring Yuka's into the living room.

She is still a lifeless doll. I cut her omelet and fish into small pieces. I coaxed her into eating by moving the food under nose and feeding her like a child. As she chewed her eyes started to look around the room as if registering her surroundings. They rested on me again and she smiled.

"Mi-chan." She said.

I didn't reply and picked another piece of omelet off her plate.

"Mi-chan, did I forget your birthday? I'm sorry."

"It was a while ago Yuka. We're in February."

"Yuka? I'm your mom. Call me mommy like you use to." She said as she chewed.

"You're not my mother." I said out of reflex.

Her eyes looked sad, "No. I guess I'm not."

She laughed dryly like she was trying not to cry. I'm not going to let it get to me.

"Ah Mi-chan, what would your dad say?" she asked thoughtfully.

"He wouldn't have to say anything because if he didn't die I wouldn't be in this shit hole." I say heatedly putting her plate in her lap roughly and storming into the kitchen.

With a sudden loss of appetite, I throw my breakfast away and wash the dishes in the sink. I load another set of clothes in the wash and fold what had already been dried. I catch a glimpse of Yuka standing, well leaning, in the doorway. I ignore her presence as she watches me fold.

"I remember when you use to help me with the laundry." She said weakly.

"Back when you could do laundry." I reply.

She wasn't fazed, "You were so small, but you always tried to carry the big stack."

"Look Yuka, why don't you use your rare state of sobriety to brush your teeth or sterilize your needles? The ones I didn't throw away at least." I placed Youichi's shirt in his pile of clothes.

"Why can't you understand? I feel . . . Better. So much better. I don't have to think about how much it hurts. It consumes me. I can't handle not waking up beside him. He was everything. You can't possibly understand."

I slammed the dryer door shut, "I can't _possibly_ understand? You think I wasn't devastated? You think I didn't feel like the biggest part of me just disappeared before my eyes? You think I didn't want to just fall apart!"

Yuka's eyes widened and she looked afraid. I'm yelling at her and I know it, but I can't stop. How dare she come to me and talk about _him_.

"You don't understand! You don't understand!" she screamed back with her hands over her ears.

I wanted to throttle her, "I don't? I understand perfectly, you lost dad and fell to pieces. I lost dad and then I lost you!"

I pushed past her into the kitchen and head for the stairs.

"I'm right here! You didn't lose me!" she yells.

I turn on my heel, up to my ears in anger, "You're right I didn't lose you, you left me! For alcohol, for drugs, you're here, but only in body. My mother would never have let me raise myself. My mother would have never cuddled with her bottle instead of me. My mother made my lunches and asked me about my homework. My mother went to my plays and took me to the movies. My mother wouldn't have made her body so weak with drugs that she can't even take care of herself. You are _not_ my mother Yuka!"

She's bawling now. Fat tears rolling down her face and she tries to suppress them with her hands. My anger has boiled over and I feel the words that I hid inside build up and then . . .

"I _hate _ you. Look at yourself. You're sick. You look like a dead person. Your cheeks are ashen and you're so thin. My mother had rosy cheeks, beautiful hair and a smile that could melt ice. I hate what you've become. I hate knowing that my father is rolling around in his grave at the condition of his family. You're pathetic and disgusting."

I didn't even see her move, nor did I see her hand rise in the air. I didn't register any of these things until her palm made swift contact with my cheek, making my head turn to the side. I heard her take in a sharp breath, as if she too had just realized what occurred. I can't even look at her. I turn on my heel and start up the stairs.

"Mikan! I'm sorry!" she blurts out.

I stop abruptly and feel my whole body tense. I turn slowly and look at her with the most vicious glare I can muster.

"Sorry for what? That was nothing. You should have seen the number your boyfriend did on me yesterday." I say like a cold whisper.

Her eyes widened at my tone and words. Her sobriety reminded her of her role as a mother and how she failed to protect me all these years and now she, herself, is causing me harm.

"Oh and another thing, maybe you should make a few changes in the bedroom department so Persona doesn't try to rape me again."

She crumples to the floor and starts sobbing again. I go to my room and slam the door. I catch sight of the picture frame. I snatch it off the nightstand and sit on the edge of my bed. My knee is bouncing, a stress habit I have. Yuka's never hit me. She's never done anything about me getting hit. I can't even remember the last time we had a conversation about anything. Leave it to Yuka to use her rare moment of sobriety to make my blood boil, hit me and then top it off with her irritating weeping. I look down at the photo of the three of us and my vision begins to blur. The reality of my words to Yuka and the overwhelming pain of not having my father, consumes me. I curl up on my naked bed and hug the frame tightly to my chest. The conflict of wanting to cry and not cry at the same time makes me tired and I close my eyes.

Just for a second.

* * *

><p>I jerk out of my sleep at the sound of my door being kicked open. I scramble off my bed to see Persona, but he's . . . off. The look in his eye made my heart hammer against my ribcage. The urge to ask him what was wrong came over me, which scares me even more because for him to look so out of it that there is a glimmer of worry for his well-being in me, there is definitely something wrong.<p>

"You little bitch." He snarls at me.

I tried to think about what I could've possibly done to put him in this mood. I had not finished the laundry, but I don't think that would make him this mad.

He yanks the picture frame from me and throws it to the ground where it hits the wall beside my closet. I hear the glass shatter, but I can't turn to inspect the damage because as soon as he throws the frame, he grabs my bun in a tight fist and pulls me out of my room and down the stairs. I ignore the sharp pain in my head and try not to fall as we descend the stairs and then that's when I see it. The entire first floor looks like a tornado passed through it. He points my face towards the living room where the television is knocked over, the picture frames that hung on the walls are now shattered on the floor, and the couch and armchair are overturned. He drags me into the kitchen where the contents of the fridge and pantry are scattered all over the floor along with broken dishes and empty liquor bottles.

Persona throws me to the ground and a piece of a broken plate goes into my hand. I sit up and pull it out, it wasn't too deep, but my head is still throbbing and my hands and knee hurt from the impact.

"Your damn mother was bat crazy when I got here. Throwing things and screaming about 'why doesn't she love me'. I had to practically shove a needle into her arm to get her to shut the hell up. Then I go upstairs to find you sleeping. How am I supposed to run a business with my house in a shit hole state and you're upstairs _sleeping_?"

"I didn't know she-"

His palm on my face silenced me.

"Of course you didn't know. You were too busy sleeping with that piece of crap picture frame you love so much. Your old man is croaked and he probably got what he deserved anyway."

I can't stop myself as my fist makes a solid connection with his jaw. Persona has no right to talk about my father. His facial expression is shocked and then shifts to amused as he touches the blood at the corner of his mouth. I didn't even think I was capable of hitting Persona hard enough to cause real harm, but by the crazed look in his eye, something else had snapped inside him.

Run.

I don't get very far. He catches me by the living room in two strong strides and throws me up against the wall. My ears are ringing and I can see Youichi by the stairs looking afraid. I try to tell him to go back upstairs, but he just looks at me, unmoving.

Persona grabs my shoulders and spins me around, I use my arms to guard my face, but he tosses them aside as if they're twigs and grabs my neck with both hands. I'm familiar with Persona trying to choke me, but he usually does it to subdue me, but this time it's different. His fingers are tense as he slowly applies more pressure. He's breathing heavily through his teeth, spraying me slightly with saliva. He leans down to my face, not breaking eye contact.

"I want to see the light leave your eyes." He whispers.

Persona has never threatened my life. He's told me my life is worthless and I'd be better off gone, but he's never established that he wanted to make that happen with his own hands. And now here he is looking at me like a serial killer with his prey trapped and it's getting harder and harder for me to breathe.

There's a crash and then I'm covered with glass shards. Youichi has taken one of the empty liquor bottles and broke it over Persona's head. Persona is disoriented but doesn't go down. Youichi doesn't move as if he is waiting for Persona to pass out. I choke down some breaths of air as Persona loses his grip and I scramble away from him. He turns to Youichi who is so taken off guard that he drops the remaining bottle piece that was in his hand and takes a half step back.

Never back down.

Persona went from disoriented to pissed off in two seconds flat.

"Youichi!" I scream as I see Persona kick him square in the stomach sending him into the adjacent wall and his little body crumples in a heap on the ground. I run at Persona, clawing at his face with my nails.

"You bastard!" I scream, trying to claw his eyes out.

The next minute I'm up off the floor and my back makes contact with the coffee table that gives way. Then his face is over me again and his hands hurriedly grab my neck and squeeze with force. My breath hitches and I can't think straight. I'm moving and panicking. He smiles and after a minute or so it's all I can see. Those slightly yellow teeth and that twisted grin. I scratch at his hands and try to get him off of me, but my strength is depleting.

He's laughing.

Where's Youichi?

Where's Yuka?

Mom? Dad?

And then. . .

I died.

* * *

><p><em>Well that's chapter 2 let me know what you think by leaving me a review okay?<em>

_And please check out my other in progress work:_

_Dangerous Intentions_

_and my previous work that established my fan base ._

_Lots of Love _

_Chi-chan_


	3. Escape

_Hey new readers, old readers, warm readers, cold readers,_

_Chapter three is finally here, it's kind of short, but a very crucial part of the story so I hope you like it._

_ReadxEnjoyxReview_

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Chapter 3: Escape<span>_**

I didn't think death would be this painful. I thought it would be like falling asleep. Slowly drifting into a state of unconsciousness where there is no pain or suffering. Judging by the soreness in my throat and the pain in my back, head, and stomach, I'm not dead. I struggle to open my eyes and blink my vision into focus.

The shadows on the ceiling above me tell me that it's transitioning from late evening to early night. I try to move my body and there's a shooting pain that catches me off guard. After several ragged, deep breaths, I push myself into a sitting position. The pieces of the broken coffee table shifts under my weight and my head is throbbing.

I'm definitely not dead if my body has anything to say about it. I remove myself from the debris of the wooden coffee table and crawl across the living floor to Youichi's unmoving body. Glass shards pressed into my palms, but I could only focus on Youichi and if his chest was moving with life. I finally get close enough to reach him and shake his shoulder.

I try to call out to him, but my throat is dry and feels like Persona has squeezed it shut. I swallowed and coughed a bit and shook him again.

"Youichi." I rasp.

He twitched under my touch and moved slightly. He moaned a bit and I tried to roll him onto his back so I can see his face. He rolled easily and blinked his turquoise eyes at me.

"Thank goodness." I said smiling.

He didn't say anything, but forced himself to sit up. The impact with the wall knocked him out, but he is still intact. I check his head and face. He hits my hand away and stands up weakly.

I can tell by his eyes, he thinks I'm being stupid. Checking him, when I'm the one who probably looks like a train wreck. He stood close by me as I use the wall to get to my feet. My back is stiff and my abdomen feels concave. Youichi stays close to me as we go slowly up the stairs. I head straight for the bathroom. I bypass the light switch and head for the sink. I don't even wait for the water to get cold before I put my mouth next to the stream and drink like my life depended on it. The water is a little warm and has that tap water taste, but I don't care it's like a liquid massage for my throat and it's getting better as the water is getting cooler. I don't know how long I drank, but when I pull my head up from the faucet and take deep breaths I feel slightly more alive. It hurts to breathe, but at least I'm breathing.

I can feel Youichi standing in the doorway. Tense and afraid, but he doesn't let the latter show. I reach over and flick on the light switch which makes Youichi and I squint for a moment. The skin on my neck is reddish in tint and will probably form Persona's bony fingers in a lovely purple bruise in a few hours. I don't bother examining the rest of my body and rest my hands on the edge of the sink.

My mind is racing. We can't stay here. I'm lucky enough to be eighteen and alive, Youichi might not be that lucky. I can't leave him here, but we can't stay. He's going to kill us. Intentional or not, Persona will kill us.

"Youichi," I say after a moment of silence.

He doesn't respond, but I can feel his eyes on me.

"Let's escape."

* * *

><p>Who am I to decide that I can run away with a five year old little boy? I don't even know if I can support myself let alone him. At this point anything is better than where we are. As I lay in bed next to Youichi that night, all I can think about is where we can go, how we can get there, should we even be doing this. But when I saw that small glint of hope in Youichi's eyes before I could stop those careless words from falling from my lips, I knew there was no turning back. I can't break a promise to him. Whatever little trust he had in me is directly tied to any silent promises between us. By saying "Let's escape", I have taken it upon myself to be his protector, his guardian, his lifeline, and his last shred of hope in humanity.<p>

I roll onto my side and catch the little wisps of sunlight starting to creep in. I'm going to look exactly as I feel: tired and broken. My skin is tender and will be littered with bruises no doubt. I lie in bed awake just watching the sunlight creep across the floor and up the wall when I hear my door knob turn.

My whole body tenses over and I watch the door crept open. Those ominous pale fingers slide through the small crack and open the door. He dressed in all black with his customary silver rings decorating his fingers and sunglasses over his eyes. He can't see my eyes under my frizzy mane of hair, but I can see him. Like a lion hiding behind high grass, waiting, watching, and ready to strike.

He walks over to the window and stares at something for a minute. I'm debating whether or not to let him know that I'm awake. My body can't take another thrashing. Even so he just stands there staring. Part of me is curious as to what he's looking at, a bigger part of me just wants him to leave preferably through the window in a tragic and fatal fall.

He turns from the window abruptly and heads for the door. Over his shoulder he says, "Get your lazy ass up. I can hear you breathing. Clean up that mess downstairs and get the runt to help you."

His voice is hollow and lifeless with just a hint of malice that says 'do it now or else'. I hate him, but I sit up in bed and I instantly feel like the Tin Man in need of an oil can. I stretch as far as my body would let me without making my toes curling in pain. I see Youichi's somewhat relaxed sleeping face and can't bring myself to wake him.

I listen carefully for Persona's movements as I tip toe down the hall. As I descend the stairs, I yank my hair into a makeshift ponytail. I hear movement in the kitchen and make my way into the living room where the proof of what I believed to be a hellish nightmare remained.

I pick up the big pieces of broken wood and glass and stack them in a corner of the living room. I'd have to put them out front on garbage day so the neighbors wouldn't see the suspicious amount of debris leaving the house. Not like they would call the police or anything. Most if not all of our neighbors know Persona is not a man to be reckoned with.

After ten minutes or so I can hear Persona on the phone speaking in his drug dealing code. Negotiating a deal for Blow which I learned in school is a name for Cocaine. The agitation in his voice makes me think that this might be a big deal like multimillion dollar deal. Persona is scribbling something on a piece of paper loud enough for me to hear. He's excited; it has to be a deal he's been waiting for. A deal that says you're in deep enough for the big guns and the big payday.

I sneak a peek at him as he snaps his phone shut. He tears the paper from the pad and shoves into his coat pocket. I duck back into the living room and make myself look busy as he heads to the bedroom. Mumbled words to my mother and a jiggle of keys later and he's gone.

I finish stacking the mess because in my mind I know I'm not going to be here much longer. Persona won't be home till late and I have to use my time wisely before then. I go upstairs and find my bed empty; Youichi must be in his room. I grab my duffel bag out of my closet and toss it on my bed.

My gaze drifts over my room as I mentally take in my prison cell. I've fantasized about running away so what to pack comes naturally to me. Sensible, clean underwear and bras, three t-shirts, two pleated skirts, one white button down shirt, my black audition heels for job interviews, three pairs of jeans, my favorite sweat pants and shirts, a blanket, my book of poems and inspirational phrases, mini flashlight, lock pick, Swiss army knife, socks, and of course my photograph.

Not much, but my duffel looked over stuffed. I hide it in the back of my closet in case Persona comes home early. Right behind me Youichi puts his backpack and duffel bag on the floor. He was so quiet coming in his presence startled me a bit. His bags caused a lump in my throat. He is holding me to my words that much I'm sure of.

I decided a shower would be in my best interest since I have no idea where I'm going and when the next shower would be. The hot water feels good against my tense and sore body. I wash my hair thoroughly and condition it. Such luxuries will be scarce to us if I don't come up with a plan. After another half hour of indulgence, I exit my shower, blow dry my hair and get dressed in jeans, sweat pants, bra, t-shirt, sweat shirt and my coat. Before I finish my body suit for the cold outside, I need to do something I promised myself I would never do.

Wordlessly Youichi is following my every move; packing, dressing, and meets me at the bottom of the stairs with his bags and a knowing look in his eyes. I stand on the stairs looking in the direction of my mother's bedroom. Persona doesn't keep drugs in the house for fear of my mother finding it and overdosing, but he did keep something we would need: money.

More specifically cash. I'm not sure how much, but little is better than none. I put my duffel bag at the foot of the stairs and head for the slightly ajar bedroom door. My mother typically slept the day away or stared off into space. When I enter the bedroom I say a silent prayer that she is sleeping.

She isn't.

Her brown eyes are glazed over and focused on the ceiling as if expecting it to open up and take her away. I tiptoe around to Persona's side of the bed and look down at the bedside table. A million booby traps from my obsession with action movies raced through my head: pressure plates, trip wires, infrared lasers, you name it.

The tips of my fingers felt hot as I slowly reached for the small round handle.

"Mikan,"

I nearly jump out of my skin as my mother weakly called my name.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Her voice crawled down my spine and made me want to turn and run, forgetting the ridiculous notion of stealing from Persona ever crossed my mind. I swallow my moment of cowardice and pull the drawer open.

"Nothing," I reply.

There's a small red box on top of a stack of papers next to a gun holster. I ignore the gun and lift the little latch on the box. Persona is notorious so he would never think that anyone would steal from him, so why lock anything? I open the box and there's a wad of cash and a little baggie with white powder in it. I swallow a lump in my throat and shove the money into my pocket. My hands feel dirty knowing that its Persona's drug money I'm stealing, but I can't think about that now.

"Mikan no don't take that." Yuka said.

I wasn't even aware that Yuka had sat up in the bed and is now watching me with wide, doe eyes.

"I need it." I say curtly, placing the box back neatly.

"For what?" she asked.

"Do you even care Yuka? It's not for drugs so don't get your hopes up." I slide the drawer closed carefully not to slam it because I am still paranoid that there is some kind of booby trap.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere." I react instinctively.

"You're lying." She said.

"Welcome to the real world." I turn to the door, but something catches my eye; a necklace. A diamond necklace that Persona got my mother when they had started dating, it wasn't very big, but it would probably fetch a pretty penny. Cash is one thing, but to steal jewelry?

"Mikan put it back. He'll know and he'll kill you."

I take a step to the vanity where the necklace lies on the surface.

"I've been dead a long time Yuka." I say as I slide the necklace into my pocket in my most discreet fashion.

"Mikan please, let's not fight anymore, okay?" she tried to force a smile, but even that seems to require effort she just doesn't have anymore.

"I don't intend to fight. I'm leaving." I turn to look at her sullen and somewhat surprised face.

"You're-"

"Leaving," I cut her off, "and I'm not coming back. Ever."

If it's possible, her expression seemed graver, "No-"

"I don't have time for this Yuka. So why don't you go into that drawer and do a couple of lines and forget we had this little chat. Persona didn't hide all of it today."

She looked hurt that I said it so bluntly, but couldn't resist the slightest peek at the bedside table. My eyes are starting to sting. She's actually weighing her options.

"Well? Go ahead. In fact, I'll give you a choice. If you give up the drugs, I'll stay. I'll help you get clean and I won't fight with you. I might even start calling you mom again. Or you can reach into that drawer and forget you even had a daughter."

Tears started to flood her eyes and run down her face. It wasn't even a question, her choice was obvious. My cheeks are damp.

"It's that simple." I head to the door with new resolve.

"Mikan please no! I need it! Don't make me choose! Please!" she screamed at my back.

I stop in the doorway and meet Youichi's eyes. The tears are streaming down slowly. I turn just enough to catch her horrified gaze.

"It shouldn't be a choice." I say slowly trying not to let my voice shake.

A tragic photograph snapped in my head as I turn my gaze away from her. A mother who made a wrong choice and a daughter with no more options. I yank my hat over my ears and wrap my scarf around my neck. I can hear my mother's mournful cries as I put my duffel bag on my shoulder. Youichi stares up at me as if saying it's okay to stay. I rub the tears off my face and put on my gloves. I redo his scarf with a small smile on my face and take his little hand in mine. We leave through the front door almost afraid to see Persona walking up the front walk.

I shut the door firmly and tug Youichi in a direction of pure gut instinct. I have no idea where I'm supposed to go or where I can turn. My mind drifts to my Jii-chan, but my mother hasn't been in contact with him in a long time. He lives in a small town that was a while away from where we live now, but it was worth a shot.

"First things first You-chan, we need a map." I say.

He looks up at me through his grey bangs with his typical blank face.

"There's not much plan in this escape is there?" he says to me.

I always forget how articulate Youichi is for a five year old considering he never really speaks.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step." I tell him.

"Well we've taken about thirty steps and you have no idea where we're going." He replies.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" I ask him.

"We're going to catch pneumonia and die." He sighs.

I can't help but smile. I'd rather die a popsicle than at the hands of Persona and by the tight hold Youichi has on my hand, I can tell he agrees.

* * *

><p><em>Relatively short, but this is really the kick off chapter to the actual runaway part of the story. <em>

_A lot more hardships and crazy stuff that I will make up as I go along._

_Lots of Love _

_chi-chan_


	4. Struggle

_Hey guys thanks for supporting my new story._

_This chapter had to get cut in half for the purpose of the title. The good news is that means that chapter five is already half way done and can contain more character intros._

_RxExR_

_Remember every review counts compliments, flames and otherwise._

_Sorry in advance for any mistakes_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 4: Struggle<strong>_

We're born. We live. We die.

We breathe. We love. We hate.

We struggle.

Naturally, we do all of these things and more as we go about our lives on this planet. People are born into different lifestyles: rich, poor, Asian, American, only child, or one of many. As I sit here on this bus bench next to Youichi, I find myself contemplating the different struggles around the world like poverty, famine, and disease. Would I trade my situation for someone else's? Everyone struggles and in the scope of their reality, no one's situation is much worse than anyone else's.

We left Persona's house around one in the afternoon. It's early February so it's cold outside despite the high sun. To anyone passing by, we're just a teenage girl and her little brother waiting for their bus. The bus stop is in front of a convenience store where I bought Youichi a donut and hot chocolate. The money I swiped from Persona was enough to buy a bus ticket to Nagoya (kids ride free) which is a twenty hour drive from here. We would have to journey past Nagoya to get to my Jii-chan's, but the money I took was only so much.

Youichi crumpled the thin tissue paper up into a ball and threw it in the adjacent garbage can. Our bus is scheduled to arrive in less than ten minutes. There's a growing worry in my stomach that someone will catch us and drag us back to Persona. Technically Youichi legally belongs in Persona's care, so my actions can be misconstrued as kidnapping. I swallow a lump in my throat and take a deep breath. There are so many things I haven't taken into consideration and my 'go with the flow', 'sense of adventure' resolve is weakening by the second.

Still, I stifle an excited squeak as the green and white bus pulled up to the stop. I practically leapt off the bench, snatching up my bag and Youichi's hand as we got in line to board the bus. The bus driver is a pudgy older man that gives us a glance over as we climb the narrow stairs.

"Where are you younglings off to?" he asks with a raised eyebrow.

"To our grandparents' house sir." I say automatically.

"Pretty long trip for just the two of you." He says with a suspicious eyebrow.

"We can manage." I reply.

I guide Youichi down the narrow aisle to two empty seats in the back. I catch the bus driver's eye in the big rearview mirror. He's suspicious of us because we're the youngest ones on the bus right now and then I remember something important.

It's Monday.

As in a school day.

Damn.

We're supposed to be in school for several more hours. I see the bus driver look our way again. Everyone is seated, but we're not scheduled to leave for several more minutes, more than enough time for someone to run a check for absent students or missing children. What if Yuka called the police? What if she called Persona? The bus driver seems more ominous to me like somehow he has a telepathic link to Persona and is signaling him here right now.

After what seemed like an eternity waiting for S.W.A.T. to swarm the bus and drag us back to our prison, the driver finally closed the doors and stepped on the gas. My chest feels lighter and lighter as we get further away from the bus stop. Youichi occupied himself with Mr. Bear and I pulled out the map I had bought at the store. The next twenty hours will be long and we will arrive in Nagoya at nine a.m. which is good time for job hunting. I'll need more money to make the trip to Jii-chan's village. I can't afford to hitchhike there and Youichi needs a stable environment. Besides who would pick up two kids off the side of the road aside from pedophiles, serial killers, and rapist?

I need now to figure out how I'm going to make that stable environment possible. I'll need a job and a place to sleep that isn't too expensive and we'll need to be fed. A restaurant would be the best place to work because of the food that they throw away around closing. I just won't mention to Youichi that the food I'm giving him is intended for the trash. It's perfectly good food, but restaurants can't serve people leftovers.

After an hour or so on the bus, I feel a lot better and not so paranoid that Persona will get us. By the time he gets home tomorrow morning we will already be in Nagoya and he'll have no clue where we are. My mind drifts to Yuka's crying, indecisive face and my chest tightens. My situation is not ideal, but we're heading into the right direction (which is anywhere Yuka and Persona aren't). I think of my grandpa's one story traditional house in the country: the wide space with green grass and wild flowers with sliding doors and Koi pond in the backyard. Youichi would like it there I think. I think he'll like anywhere where he doesn't have to duck under a table to avoid being hit.

My grandpa, from what I can remember of him, is a sweet old man who loves kids. He would take me to the summer festival in his village and help me catch a fish with a paper net. Then some kid would start crying about not being able to do it and my grandpa would just have to help them. The last time I saw my grandpa was right before Persona came into the picture. I must've been fourteen at the time. He threatened to stop giving my mother money and take me away. We packed my things, but my mother was hysterical with sadness and rage. I told my grandfather that I would stay and that my mother needed me, I could help her. What a fool I've been. Each time he called after that, my mother never spoke to him and I answered his questions as if I had rehearsed them.

When we moved in with Persona, I didn't know the number so that I could give it to my grandpa and then sometime after when the beatings started I knew that if I told my grandfather he would probably have a heart attack or worse, try to come get me.

So I stopped calling.

I hate to think that by not calling him , I may have broken his heart and he won't want to see me when I just show up on his door step, but I know he wouldn't do that once I tell him what's been happening for the past three years. I don't want to guilt him into forgiving me, but what other choice did I have at the time? I was scared and young and stupid. It was stupid of me to not take my escape route when I had one, but back then I had faith that my mother would get better.

In a way, it' a good thing I stayed because where would Youichi be if I hadn't? I look down at him as he snuggles his bear drifting into sleep. I don't want to imagine where he would be without me or me without him for that matter. We're rescuing each other so our meeting must be fate. Would I have had the courage to leave my mother behind if I didn't have someone younger and more innocent to look out for? Probably not.

I hope my grandpa is in good health. How depressing would it be to show up only to find out he's in the hospital or fighting some disease. I push the morbid thought to the back of my mind and stare out the window. I think of my mother, not Yuka, but the mom I had before my life started its sharp decline into a hellish oblivion.

How warm she was. How she smiled like nothing was ever wrong. How she always smelled like oranges and her special perfume. The way her hair always moved like she was in a shampoo commercial and how she always knew what to say or do to make everything okay. Maybe when you lose someone without really losing them, the person they were before seems like this flawless deity instead of the human beings they really were. My mother's fall from grace makes me believe that everything she was prior to that is above and beyond mere human expectation.

After my father's death, if my mother had said 'Everything is going to be okay' I would have believed her. I would've smiled through the tears and things would have gotten better, but she didn't say anything. She was just there, broken and beginning to decay.

I don't think there is a happy memory among these three years in Persona's house. There have been moments of relief when Persona's not at home or decides to blow a gasket elsewhere, but never a happy memory. Not like going to the beach with my parents or doing homework on the living room floor with my father or sneaking desserts with my mother while my father cooked dinner. Not one happy memory that can even compare to the ones I had when my dad was alive.

Youichi rests his head on my lap with his eyes closed. I memorize his features, his young face and gently closed eyelids. I remember the bruises on his face when he got sent home early for being sick. Persona had to take a break from his 'get high' time to go get him from school, which, of course, put him in a foul mood. I found Youichi hiding under my bed when I got home from school. Since then Youichi has kept his personal ailments to himself. He nearly died of a fever a year ago because dying is a lot easier than facing Persona especially when it concerns what Persona refers to as a 'little sniffle'.

I had to give Youichi an ice bath to cool him down and when that didn't work I had to make him sweat it out by wrapping him in blankets and pumping him full of chicken soup. He didn't mind the soup part because it's his favorite, but the fever was making him look like he was dying. After his second cool down bath I held him for a long time trying to take away some of his body heat. I prayed while I held him. I prayed that Youichi would get better; I would even trade his sickness for my health. I prayed and I bargained until his fever finally broke. I guess bargaining worked because I started running a temperature that night.

The scenery goes by in blurs. The bus makes several stops: twice for gas and once again to switch drivers. I'm relieved to not have that pudgy little man staring at me from his seat although he did cast a sidelong glance at us before he descended the narrow stairs. Our second driver is a really thin old man with gray hair and large spectacles. He doesn't look at us or at anyone in general, he just settles into his seat, adjusts his chair and starts driving. He needs to give that other guy some pointers about how to mind his own business.

I tuck Youichi under my arm and settle into my seat. If I close my eyes and sleep, I'll wake up in Nagoya. Far away from Yuka, Persona, and everything I never want to be. I let my eyes drift close with the humming of the bus engine lulling me to sleep. A chill passes through me as pale hands reach for me in the darkness.

* * *

><p>"Oi." A small voice calls to me.<p>

I mutter something incoherent in reply and try to roll over. My neck is stiff and I feel like I'm sitting upright. I open my eyes and yesterday's surreal events play over and over in my mind.

We ran away.

Outside the bus window I see the mounting yellow sun and the countryside. It's a little past six in the morning if my sun reading abilities are accurate. The bus is silent with less passengers then I remember. Everyone is either asleep or reading. I stretch my arms and stifle a yawn, bus seats aren't the most comfortable place to sleep, but I've never felt more rested. Like today is the first day of the rest of my life.

"Oi." Youichi called again.

Our lives.

"What is it You-chan?" I ask looking down at his messy mop of hair.

"I'm hungry." He stays stoically.

"We'll be there soon and I'll buy you another donut." I say trying to tame his mane.

"I want eggs." He says defiantly.

"We'll see. I only have so much money left." I explain.

He bats my hands away, "Why didn't you take more?"

"I took all I could find. Besides stealing is wrong, even if you're stealing from a bad person."

I don't want to set a bad example for Youichi, but I couldn't leave the house completely broke we wouldn't have gotten this far. Then I remember the necklace in my pocket.

"But I will get you those eggs okay?"

He doesn't say anything and turns back to the window. I think he's happy, but then again I don't think he even knows what happy is. I put a stray hair back in place and he doesn't flinch. How do you teach a child to act like a child?

The next few hours seemed to crawl by and I feel myself growing restless. I felt as if we were drawing closer to Nagoya, but it was running away from us. I had to let Youichi use the bus bathroom by himself since it was so tiny. When I stood up to let him by I thought my bladder might burst. All this time I've been so focused on running and where we're going to go, I didn't even realize how badly I needed to pee. When Youichi came out I flew into the restroom and locked the door. I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw a purple dot on my neck. I unwound my scarf and saw the expected bruises from Persona's hands. Almost perfect purple handprints on my neck. I look less weary and my hair is too long, but on the inside I feel better.

As Nagoya came in sight I felt a little countdown ticking away in my head. Once we got off this bus we could fade away into the background of Nagoya never to be found. I will take on my mother's maiden name 'Sakura' since Persona only knew her as Yukihara. Youichi's last name is Hiriji, but we'll say its Sakura to establish that we are siblings.

As the bus rolled to a stop, everyone seemed to be moving so slowly as they stretched their muscles and gathered their things. I wanted to shove everyone out of the way and leap into the fresh air, but patience is always rewarded and when my shoes made contact with the concrete outside the bus, angels were singing in my head. I didn't mind the cold morning air or the chill the wind sent through me. I felt alive and happy. I gave Youichi's hand a squeeze and we started to walk. I spotted a fast food restaurant a few blocks down and a convenience store across the street.

After purchasing a newspaper at the convenience store and buying Youichi a breakfast sandwich, we sat by the window in the restaurant and I got to work. Circling potential jobs mainly the minimum wage, fast food kind. It didn't dawn on me that I would be considered a high school dropout since I'm not returning home any more. Hopefully I can charm someone into giving me a job without having to explain my circumstances. I circled seven different places and moved into the apartment/motel vacancies. I would have to get a job and a first paycheck before I could put a down payment on anything assuming I'm going to be making enough money. Not to mention keeping Youichi and myself fed.

My temples are beginning to throb. Apparently running away from home with no plan and no money is a bad idea. Who knew?

I circle the cheapest places on the list and decide to check out my job prospects first. If they ask me when I can start I'll say immediately. I check my Nagoya map for the closest places and we set off to navigate the streets of a foreign land.

* * *

><p>Defeated and exhausted, I plop down next to Youichi on a park bench. Seven job prospects all crossed off my list. I'm trying to keep my chin up for Youichi and myself, but when all seven places turn you down because they think that you're an underage, unwed mother of a five year old, you start to feel a bit glum. I release a heavy sigh and stare off into to space contemplating my shrinking number of options.<p>

There was one more place that I had ruled out since it was a bit of a walk from where the rest of the potential jobs were. _Imai's,_ a restaurant/bar. 'In need of everything from waitresses to hostesses to busboys' the ad said. I put a big star next to it like a sign of last hope. Youichi is already up off the bench looking at a woman and her son walking through the park so happily as he tugs her in the direction of the swing set. I never asked Youichi about his mom or how he got into Persona's care, but that longing gaze in his eye made my heart ache for him. I didn't have my mother for very long, but at least I had her. I don't know if Youichi even had a mom.

"Hey You-chan, I can push you for a little while if you want." I say to him.

He doesn't look at me and just starts walking, "Don't be stupid."

But he grabs my hand and squeezes. How can my heart not break even more for him?

* * *

><p><em>Huh a restaraunt called Imai's? That can't be foreshadowing can it?<em>

_Some of your favorite characters will be introduced next. I'm probably going to give Natsume a special intro so maybe chapter 6? Ah who knows I don't really plan that far ahead._

_Just a go with the flow kind of writer, but that's what makes writing fun, ne? My stir of the moment ideas are always the ones that seem to do the best._

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan_


	5. Darkness

_Hello Everyone,_

_If you guessed that Hotaru would be in this chapter, you're very perceptive. Her debut isn't very long, but I hope you enjoy the chapter anyway._

_RxExR_

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: Darkness<strong>

_Imai's, _from the outside, looks like a one story restaurant with a big glass window and matching sign that reads 'Imai's' in a delicate cursive. But if you look more carefully there is an empty alleyway with stairs leading down to the second half of the building. Above the side door entrance is a sign that also reads 'Imai's' but this time it's written in a bold zigzag pattern. The layout of the building reminds me of when there is a half-moon; one side is lit and can be seen from earth and the other side is dark and shrouded with mystery. You know it's there, but you can't really see it if you don't look hard enough.

The safest entry would be the ground level restaurant, so I pull open the glass door, letting Youichi enter before me. Immediately the warmth danced across my face and I just stood in awe by the drastic change of atmosphere. The restaurant is like a big ballroom with white, linen-clothed circular tables, cushioned dining room chairs, white lilies accented with violets in glass vases for the centerpieces, and a giant crystal chandelier looming on the ceiling. The waiters are dressed with royal purple button down shirts, white vests, dress pants and white dress shoes. The waitresses seem to float on air in their white skirts, white vests and violet three quarter sleeve button down shirts. Their headdresses matched the centerpieces with synthetic flowers that could pass for real ones. The entire room had a different air to it like it belonged to a completely different realm. It contrasted starkly with the cold of outside and the dull hum of chatter is drowned out by the soft music of the harpist, violinist, and pianist on the other side of the room.

Almost every table has a pair of women chattering about gossip or a man and a woman enjoying a late lunch or early dinner. They all seemed to be in their own world, but all occupying the same place. I wonder what their greatest worry is: paying their mortgages or rent, working at their jobs, what their kids are succeeding at in school, what their housekeepers might have stolen. I don't know about the lives of other people so I assume everyone who eats here is rich and they all have housekeepers, who apparently steal.

"Can I help you?" a voice called, snapping me out of my awe.

"Um yes. I'd like to have a job application please." I replied happily.

The girl had cotton candy pink hair and sapphire blue eyes, definitely the cutest girl I've ever seen like she belongs on the cover of a Lolita fashion magazine.

"Do you have an appointment?" she asks just as happy.

"Appointment?" I repeat.

You need an appointment just to fill out an application? This place definitely has high standards. (Hopefully not impossibly high) The girl realizes my look of confusion is authentic and asks me to follow her through the rows of tables; we had to duck a waiter carrying a huge serving tray for the party of six near the big display window. I follow the pink haired girl through the double kitchen doors, pass all the chefs and the delicious smell pork being roasted. I ignore the small groan in my stomach and say a silent prayer to whoever might be listening that I can have something to eat tonight that isn't a convenience store donut. Another pair of double doors at the back of the kitchen leads to a carpeted hallway with stairs leading down to what I guess is the bar/music case part of the building.

"You have to have an appointment with Ms. Imai before you can apply to work here." The pink haired girl explained.

"Really? Isn't that a bit much?" I asked.

She just giggled, "Nothing is too much for Hotaru." she said.

Her reaction made me think she has a prior history with this 'Hotaru' person, but isn't she also the boss? There's a door right before the descending staircase that was slightly ajar. Inside we can hear the quiet sobbing of a girl and another monotonous voice.

"There's no reason to cry Arashi-san. You're just not_ Imai _material. I demand the best of all my employees. Their incompetence costs me money and a blind man can see you're an incompetent fool who would probably play part in the decline in the standards of my corporation."

The sobs grew hysterical and the door flew open and a red head with her face buried in her hands ran from the room. I swallowed another lump in my throat.

"Oh good, she's in a good mood." The pink haired girl says.

I look at her like she sprouted an extra head. She gestures me towards the door. Is she trying to get me killed? Or at least verbally assaulted? I take a timid step toward the room. Youichi stays planted to the floor next to the waitress.

Traitor.

As I draw closer to the door the monotonous voice spoke.

"I don't like people lingering outside my door, so either come in or get lost." It said.

I look toward Youichi and the girl again; they were all the way by the kitchen doors waving at me.

A pair of traitors.

Well, I got this far and there's nowhere to go back to so might as well charge on ahead. I rest my bag outside the door and enter the room, closing the door behind me. The office had an elegant and sophisticated feel just like the restaurant. A polished wood floor with a big desk neatly organized with little piles of paper work and a slender white desktop computer that looked like you can fold it up and put it in your pocket. I seat myself on the chair facing the desk. The woman is standing at one of her bookshelves that line the adjacent wall with a folder in her hands. She flipped through the pages as if she couldn't care less what they said. She had short boy cut hair and is wearing an expensive looking suit. I can't see her face from the angle she's standing at, but she's slender and my height.

"Why are you in my office?" she asks so suddenly it caught me off guard.

"Uh." is the reply that came out of my mouth.

She closes her file and went back to her desk, "So you're deaf and dumb." She stated opening another file.

My initial shock was from the suddenness of her question, but this time I am stunned by her. Not by her beauty or anything, but her youth. She is very beautiful in an authority figure way, but she can't be that much older than I am. I just stared at her as she flipped nonchalantly through the papers. She glanced up at me and gave me a once over. I now realize how ridiculous I must look in my bulky. Layered clothes, but it's freezing outside. I should have made myself more presentable, but there's no going back.

"I'm sorry. What I meant to say is that my name is Sakura Mikan and I'd really like to work here. I'm new to Nagoya and I didn't know I needed an appointment beforehand."

"That much is obvious." She says, eyes on her computer screen this time as she moves the small mouse over her desk making sharp clicks.

"Yes, I never worked a restaurant before, but I'm a quick learner and I can start right away." I say quickly.

More sharp clicks.

"You expect me to give a job to an amateur off the street, too dumb to even make an appointment?" she replied not looking at me.

"Well I'm not stupid and like I said I can learn quickly-"

"Get out now." She said monotonously.

"But-"I begin.

"Look Miss Sakura, I'm a business woman and in order to keep my business in its peak of service and standards, I must have the best. You are an amateur with no prior work experience who is 'new to town'. Quite frankly you look like a stuffed hobbit who can't be bothered to brush her hair. In my book, that makes you an incompetent moron. Now get out of my office before I have you thrown out which would give me the utmost satisfaction. "

I stood up ready to turn on my heel and storm out, but something stopped me. I had faced the devil for three years and lived, was I about to take the lip of some over confident teenager running 'daddy's' business like her own game of monopoly?

"You don't know anything about me-"

"I'm sure your life story is a fascinating, pager turner, but I'm very busy in case you didn't notice."

"Actually I didn't notice. All I _notice_ is you flipping through papers you don't even read and making girls cry. Well I'm not going cry or beg you for a job because if you don't hire me then you're the stupid one losing out on an employee that would probably put the rest of your employees to shame. Does your daddy know you're down here playing dress up?" My condescending tone is making my own ears sting.

She had no expression, but I felt her surprise as if no one ever talks to her like that, but what else do I have to lose? I have no job prospects and no money, might as well blow off some steam.

"Times are hard and I don't need your sympathy, but I would like to be treated like a human being. Not everyone is born with rich parents who coddle you from cradle to grave. Maybe your restaurant doesn't meet _my_ standards. Maybe I would rather be broke that to work for some rich, arrogant, brat like yourself. Have a nice day."

Adrenaline flowing through me, I storm out of the office and slam the door. I snatch up my bag furiously and go back towards the kitchen. The waitress looked shocked to see me in a huff, but before she could say anything I take Youichi's hand and leave _Imai's_.

"Arrogant, loathsome, rich little brat." I mutter as I storm down the street with Youichi in tow.

"We're going to die." Youichi says suddenly.

"Listen to me, we are _not_ going to die. I will get a job and find us a place to live, you just need to buck up and have a positive attitude understand?" I say an octave higher than I should have.

Youichi looks slightly hurt by my outburst. I stop walking and take a deep breath and kneel down so we're eye level.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, but we're going to be okay, you and me. And you won't have to be afraid of anyone and we'll have lots of fun, okay?"

He looks at me a bit skeptically.

"I promise." I say sticking out my pinky.

He just looks at it and my chest tightens. He doesn't even know what a pinky promise is. To stop myself from crying I take his hand and make his pinky stick out and loop it with mine.

"A pinky promise means that I have to keep my promise no matter what. So we hook our pinkies like this and I say 'I promise to take care of you no matter what'." I explain.

He looks at our hooked pinkies and then back at me, "That's dumb."

Typical Youichi.

I just smile at him and stand up. Now what? All of my potential job prospects are out the window and we're practically down to our last yen. The air feels colder than before and the seriousness of our situation creeps up my spine. What are we-

"Mikan-sama!" a little voice calls.

At first I think I imagine it but it gets louder. I turn to the direction we came from and see the pink haired waitress from before running to meet us, her cotton candy pink pony tail swinging wildly behind her.

"Mikan-sama!" she explains as she finally catches up to us. She threw on a light coat to come after us, but she will definitely get sick if she stays out here like that.

"You're going to get sick you know." I say to her.

She waves her hand as if to say no big deal while she catches, her breath, "I had to come get you quickly so I just ran and hoped you wouldn't get into a vehicle or something."

"No I don't have anything like that." I tell her.

"I'm Anna by the way. I realize now that we were never properly introduced."

"You ran all this way just to tell me your name?" I ask confusedly.

"Well since we'll be working together I thought a formal introduction would be appropriate." She says smiling.

"I got the job?" I repeat.

"You got the job!" she announces ecstatically.

"But-But she hates me." I tell her.

"Oh Hotaru hates everyone, it's just how she is."

"But I yelled at her."

"I think that's part of the reason you got the job. Congratulations!" she says. Her cheeks are flushed to match her hair as she grins at me.

I follow her robotically back to the restaurant and she takes me to the employee lounge to fill out my paper. I thank whatever force responsible, that I don't have to face that Hotaru person again to do so my paper work. A lump form in my throat when I see the lines marked 'education', 'address', 'emergency contact', 'references'. My head starts to throb lightly and a sinking feeling hits my stomach. The boss already thinks I'm an idiot who will downfall here business, so what if she knew that I'm homeless and possibly a kidnapper? I fill out the majority of the sheet and wrote the name of a school I had heard of from my grandfather on the education line.

"Anna-sama? I don't know my grandfather's address by heart yet so can I leave this blank for now?" I ask hopefully.

She didn't bat an eye, "Of course. And please just call me Anna. I'm still in high school." She says getting a cup of coffee from the machine.

The employee lounge is an apricot colored room with a kitchen and living room area. The counters are marble with different coffee fixings in different flavors organized by size next to the chrome coffee machine and a full-sized fridge. The sink is pristine chrome with a touch activation faucet. There are three circular tables with four chairs around them. Aside from the three of us, there is no one else in the room. The flat screen in the corner by the two black leather couches is tuned to the news with a female reporter. The thought of either of our faces on the screen made me turn away almost abruptly. Anna didn't notice my reaction and I tried to calm myself. Freaking out about plausible scenarios is not going to do my heart or I any good. I finish the rest of the sheet and give it to Anna who puts it in a manila folder identical to the ones Hotaru was flipping through earlier. She didn't strike me as someone who would let my blanks slide unnoticed.

Regardless, Anna closed the folder and I follow her into the back room which serves as a locker room for the employees. She leads me to an empty locker and writes the combination on a napkin for me. Inside the locker there is a box sitting on its side. She takes it out and hands it to me, not missing the confused look on my face.

She says "It's your uniform."

"Will it fit?" I ask looking at the unmarked white box with purple trim.

"Hotaru never makes mistakes." is her reply to me.

I hold off on opening it until Anna goes over my work schedule with me. The schedule, she explains is posted weekly, but everyone has a set schedule every week that works with their school schedule. The older workers take on the harder shifts like early morning and closing. I tell her I want to work as much as possible and she just blinks at me, I cover by saying that I'm paying for college on my own and I would like to go as soon as possible. She smiles at me again and pulls out a tentative week schedule. She and some others work every weekday afterschool till ten o'clock.

The doors are to be locked at ten and then the closing process begins. Cleaning and resetting the tables with fresh flowers and table cloths. Any dirty chairs are replaced and the professional cleaners will take care of it. The floors are mopped and polished and the glass door and display window are shined inside and out. Inventory is counted at the end of the week to place the delivery order for the next week. Everything has a system: fresh fish in the morning, garbage taken out every night on the right side of the building since the club entrance is on the left. Everyone works like cogs in a very expensive clock.

If I'm working the morning shift (which I am) I will need to come in by seven and make sure the night shift cleaned properly and spray a light fragrance of lavender around the room. Have our uniform inspected and open the doors exactly at eight a.m. There is usually a line in the morning Anna tells me, to which I respond with a shocked look. She just laughs and shows me where she keeps her pen and pad and shows me some short hand for writing orders. It's imperative that I know what the special of the day is and learn customers by faces because some of them are regulars who just order 'the usual' and I have to know what it is or they tend to get uppity.

Instead of punch cards, every employee has an identification card with a strip in the back for swiping. The clock-in machine is mounted on the wall next to the lounge and you can only swipe in after changing in your uniform and passing inspection. I ask her to clarify 'inspection' and she says that sempai whose been working here for a long time will be in charge in clearing us for inspection. Everyone has to look the same and everyone will have to look pristine. I ask her if Hotaru is OCD and she just laughs, but doesn't deny it.

She goes down the list of what my uniform should look like (clean and pressed) and says that inspection also included personal hygiene (white smiles, fresh breath, trim and clean finger nails, tame and clean smelling hair). Long hair should be pulled in a purple or white hair band. She pulls a purple one out of her pocket and hands it to me. I thank her and put in my sweater pocket. Youichi yawns and stares blankly at the other side of the room. Anna beams at him and offers him some cake. He just stares at her and I jump in and accept for him. She goes to the fridge and pulls out a plastic bowl with a single slice of strawberry cheesecake and places it in front of him with a plastic fork. She pulls off the lid and I clench my stomach to keep it from growling. Youichi eats the cake slowly trying to hide how hungry he must be, but he still leaves a piece in the bowl. Anna asked him if he enjoyed if, but I think she's use to his silence and just leaves to deliver my file. When she's gone, Youichi pushes the bowl across the table to me.

"Youichi it's ok, you eat it." I say about to return it to him when a groan in my stomach slips out.

"Dead girls can't keep promises." is all he says.

I smile, but he's looking across the room again.

A wordless promise to take care of me as well seemed written on the small piece of cake. I put it in my mouth and silently promise him not to be a handful.

* * *

><p>Living with Persona all for these three torturous years comes in handy when your boss might be just as OCD as he is. After Anna returned with a smile of approval and my id card, she went back to work and I was told to start tomorrow. I would be under Anna's charge as somewhat of her kouhai and if she isn't here, which she won't be tomorrow morning when I start, I'm told to report to Harada Misaki-sempai who wasn't there at the moment so Anna gives me a description of an older, bustier girl with dark pink hair and brown eyes that seem pinkish at times. She has a very strong personality and will definitely stick out amoung the other waitresses. Anna told me not to worry because Misaki-sempai is very nice and motherly towards newcomers, but don't expect her to go easy on me.<p>

Now Youichi and I are sitting on a local bus bench, me reading to the newspaper for the cheapest places to live and him just staring off into space. It will be dark soon which means it will just get colder. We need to find shelter for a while. Anna told me that paychecks can be deposited directly, but since I don't have a bank account my check will be given to me at the end of the second work week, which lucky for me, is this Saturady. I just have to make it to Saturday and I'll be able to hopefully put a deposit down somewhere. The cheapest places are quite a way away from _Imai's _ so I would have to map out a bus route and memorize the schedule to get to work on time.

I stand up off the bench and take Youichi's hand. There's a place that we might be able to stay, at least until Saturday. In the paper there is an ad to buy a build that had been seized by the government and up for auction. It's old and a fixer upper, but hopefully intact. I look for the address on the map and pull Youichi in that direction. It takes us a while to get there, but thirty minutes later we are standing in front of a pitiful looking building that is boarded up to prevent trespassers. There's a side alley that will hopefully take us to a more secluded part of the building that we can get into. Apparently running away from home can jump start one's criminal activity, but I would rather keep Youichi warm than worry about my impending incarceration.

We arrive at the back of the building with no luck; this place is sealed up pretty tight. To my left I feel something move and hear a soft 'mew'. A black cat struts from behind a garbage can and stretches. It probably just woke up from a nap. It looks at us for a moment and walks to the corner of the building and disappears. I blink to make sure I hadn't imagined it, as I draw closer to inspect to spot where the cat had gone, there is a board that rests against the window to look like it's sealed, but really isn't.

I carefully move the board away to reveal a window that had been broken through, but the glass shards have been moved away to allow safe entry. Guess I'm not the first homeless person to think of this place. The thought comforts me and scares me. As I lower myself through the gap, I listen carefully for any signs of movement. I can make out the cat sitting on the floor watching us, but that's about it. I help Youichi through the hole and put the board back as best I could.

The window we had climbed through was leveled with the ground outside, but lead down into the room which would make this a basement of some kind. I take Youichi's tightly and feel along the walls for a doors. The darkness of the room unsettles my stomach. The cracks around the boards barely provided any light and it will be night soon. I feel around in my pockets for something I can use for light, then I remember the flashlight I packed. After some awkward maneuvering in my bag I found the red flashlight in my bag my father had given me when I was six. He told me the flashlights are like kryptonite to monsters and all I have to do when I'm scared is sweep it across the room and the monsters would go running. I switch the power on and sweep the beam around the room. We are able to find the brass door knob that squeaked as I turned it. I waited before emerging in the hall not completely confident that we were alone.

The long hallway led to an ascending staircase that went up to another door. This one is a little harder to open and I have to use a little of my weight to make it budge. There is another staircase that looks like it leads to the apartments. The front door is boarded over and I can hear myself breathe.

"Shall we check ourselves in?" I ask in a whisper.

Youichi doesn't reply but tightens his grip in my hand. I use to be afraid of the dark when I was little. My dad would have to check the closet at night before I went to sleep even if I had my flashlight. After he died I wasn't scared of monsters hiding in my closet because now I know the monsters are all around us in broad daylight. Persona's face floats back into my mind, but I push it away and mount the stairs. Each step creaks loudly under our weight but we make it to the second floor landing without falling through.

I try to open one door, but it's locked. It never occurred to me that doors in an abandoned building would be locked. Well I guess that taking the first door down the hall would be a bad idea in case other squatters showed up. I guide Youichi further down the hall and stop at a door marked eleven and pulled out my lock pick. I've never used it in a desperate situation before, but hopefully my inner cat burgular will assist me. After fiddling with the lock while Youichi held the flashlight, I grew frustrated and decided to open the door the old fashion way. I grab tight hold of the knob, twist as hard as I can and slam my shoulder into the wooden door. Finally the door swings open with a creak and I feel pretty accomplished, excluding my screaming shoulder. I take Youichi's hand and we go inside.

The air is stale like the rest of the building but the stuffiness makes it warm. I push the door closed and let out a sigh. It's a small place with a unified kitchen and living room space and door that probably led to the bedroom. There's no furniture, as to be expected, but it's warm and hopefully doesn't leak. I take off my bag and sit down on the dusty floor against. Youichi sits next to me and sighs.

"It's only temporary, but what do you think?" I ask him.

"We're going to die." He says.

"Is that your catch phrase?" I ask him.

He doesn't respond, but sighs again. I'm starting to sweat so I take off a few of my layers and unwrap my scarf. I pat the box that has my uniform inside. I'm one step closer to being on my feet in this dark, stuffy room miles and miles from Yuka and Persona. I wonder what they're doing. Looking for us? Persona must be furious. I shrug my shoulders turn my attention to Youichi. He's bundled up as well. I help him out of his coat and sweater and make a pillow and blanket for him out of my sweater and jacket. He clutches Mr. Bear and closes his eyes, not letting go of my hand. I rest my head on my bag next to him and turn off my little flashlight.

Fully dressed in a small room in a foreign place with no money or food, engulfed in darkness and I've never felt more at home.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter six is already in progress and I'm in love with it so far. Thank you for your support.<em>

_For those of you waiting patiently (or not so) for Natsume's debut, I'm debating with his placement, but I assure you he will be here soon and we can all enjoy some NatsuMikan action and interaction. It's a work in progress._

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan_


	6. Shaken

****_Well hello gorgeous readers,_

_Thank you all for your patience and understanding. This is longer than the usual chapter because as usual I couldn't find a decent stopping point, which caused writer's block, which led to the late update. And my thumb is broken making writing a little hard, but I'm still going strong._

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: Shaken<strong>

"_Did you think you were going to get away that easy?" Persona drawls._

_He laughs cruelly and reaches for my throat with pale, unforgiving hands._

"No!" I yell sitting up in a panic.

It's dark and I can only hear my own ragged breathing. My hands shakily touch my throat as I try to calm myself. My flesh is damp with a cold sweat, but I'm safe. I repeat this phrase over and over again in my head. Persona has no idea where we are and he will _never _find us. Youichi is still sleeping peacefully beside me, undisturbed by my outburst, thank goodness. I feel dirty, damp, and uncomfortable, but I'm not suffering from pneumonia from having to sleep in the streets. Beggars really can't be choosers.

I realize that I have no idea what time it is, but my internal clock that I've honed from living with Persona tells me that it's early enough to start getting ready for work. I would have to find someplace to wash up though. After savoring Youichi's delicate appearance I woke him and we found our way back into the basement of the building and out the window. The cold morning air filled my nostrils and woke my senses as if I had never been outdoors before. You never know how stuffy a place is until you leave. The air outside felt light and the sun wasn't even out yet. Youichi is still rubbing tiredness from his eyes as we walk down the mostly empty street.

I pull the map out of the side pocket of my bag and try to see if there was anything like a community bath around. Unfortunately the only community bath was way out of range and in the complete opposite direction of _Imai's_. The best my map could offer me is a gas station that is within walking distance. Since the sun is barely rising, six a.m. must be approaching. I hoist half-asleep Youichi into my arms and hasten down the street. As the sky started to lighten, we made it to the gas station which, thankfully, had a public restroom. The cashier smiled at me as entered and I asked him where the restroom was. He tells me it's in the back and passes a wayward glance to the two of us. I know we must look dreadful and bulky, but I can't pacify him now so I just bow my head in thanks and make a beeline for the restroom.

Once inside, I spill the contents of my bag on the floor and change into a pair of clean jeans, a black t-shirt and my blue sweater. Youichi is changing in one of the stalls, I know he doesn't want me to see his bruises so I leave him be. I wash my hands, neck and face in the sink and rinse my hair so it will look like I showered. I brush my hair as straight as it will go and help Youichi with his. The automatic hand dryer served us as a blow dryer. I make sure Youichi's hair is completely dry and put his hat and coat on him.

I repack my bag carefully so everything will fit as neat as possible and zip it tight. Upon exiting the bathroom, I pick up a few donuts and two cans of milk and head back to the register. The cashier looks stunned by our change of appearance, but doesn't comment on it. He rings us up and I dig into my pockets for money, but I remember that I have none.

Crap.

I apologize and dig around into my coat pockets. My hand touches the necklace. My mind works quickly and before I knew what I was doing I slapped the necklace on the counter.

"You look like a nice guy, so I have a proposition for you." I say.

He raises an eyebrow at me, but looks amused.

"I need a place to clean up in the morning and some food. Nothing more than this," I gesture to the donuts and milk.

"This necklace is worth a lot of money. I'll give this to you and you ask no questions and every morning my brother and I will come in, change and grab nothing more than this and leave. I have to get to work so do we have a deal?"

He looks at me for a long moment, "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"One of my conditions is no questions." I repeat.

He picks up the necklace and looks at it.

"Well?" I repeat.

"You look like a nice girl, so sure, but I have a condition as well." He says with a grin.

"What is it?" I ask, expecting the worst.

"Tell me your name." He says.

It's my turn to raise an eyebrow at him, but he just smiles at me. His mop of brown hair and crooked smile seemed innocent enough.

"Mikan." I finally reply.

"I'm Kokoro." He says and then turns to Youichi, "And who's this?"

"You said 'a condition', that's two." I say stepping protectively in front of Youichi.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow Mikan-chan." He says with his grin.

I grab the food off the counter and hurry out with Youichi in tow. My defensive side came out and I probably seemed rude, but I don't care. If somehow Persona found me, I would rather die than let him have Youichi taken back with him. I don't know if I can trust this Kokoro person, but as long as he doesn't call the cops, asks me no questions and keeps his big mouth shut, we'll be really good friends.

We make it to _Imai's _at a quarter to seven and go through the back entrance as instructed by Anna. I put Youichi on the leather couch in front of the television and hand him the remote that sat on the coffee table. Not the most productive way to have a child spend his day, but until I figure out how to get Youichi in school without formal paperwork, this is the best I can do for now. I stuff our bags in my locker, which is full length with a shelf. I start to open the box with my uniform inside. I haven't even seen it yet because I was afraid to get it dirty.

Inside, in their own divided compartments, are my white skirt, vest, purple button down and head dress. I draw my hair up in a bun with the purple band Anna gave me. There are even socks in the box. I look down at my feet and nearly faint. I don't have white or purple shoes that will coordinate with this outfit.

"Dammit." I mutter.

I want to cry as I look down at my bare feet. I kick the box off the bench I rested it on and it hit the ground with a thud, too loud for an empty box. I pick it up off the floor and despite its empty appearance it's weighted. I sit on the bench and shake the box, definitely weighted. I turn in upside down and the 'empty' part of the box fell out and a pair of boots right behind it. Turns out the box has a separate compartment where evidently perfectly matching suede boots reside. They feel expensive and so soft to touch. This Hotaru person doesn't miss a beat. I'm practically caressing them when a few people walk in chattering about a little boy on the couch.

"Who is he anyway?" a girl asks.

"Maybe he wondered in here by accident and got attached to our television." a guy responds opening his locker tossing his bag inside.

"I think he's adorable." another girl says.

"We should call the cops." The first girl responds fixing her hair in her locker mirror.

"Please don't." I say quickly.

The three of them look shocked to see me. I managed to stuff my feet into my socks and shoes and close my locker and they didn't even notice me till now.

"He's my little brother and he's no trouble at all." I explain.

"Well your brother is super cute. I'm Nobara." The second girl who had spoken bowed her head and smiled a little bit.

"Shut up Nobara." The first girl said.

"Oh Luna you're just crabby because Natsume disappeared again." The male says and then turns to me, "I'm Hoshio. My hostile friend is Luna."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Mikan." I say buttoning my vest.

Luna casts me a disinterested glance and slams her locker shut and exits. Nobara and Hoshio just look at each other slightly embarrassed and smile apologetically at me.

"Welcome to Imai's perfection slave driving robot mill." Hoshino says.

I notice that they're both already dressed in their uniforms. I guess you come to work in your uniform instead of changing since it's a shared locker room. I adjust my headband as best I can and excuse myself to go check on Youichi. He took off his coat and looks comfortable on the couch. I kneel next to him, but he doesn't look away from the TV.

"Youichi I have to go work now. I need you to stay in here and don't cause any trouble, okay?"

"I don't like donuts." He says.

"We'll eat something else for breakfast from now on, okay?"

He doesn't respond so I just tousle his hair and leave the lounge as some other workers come in. As I walk through the kitchen, there is a whirl of activity all around me. Chefs are prepping their stations and going over ingredients. I emerge into the empty restaurant, Nobara and Hoshio are chatting with each other and that Luna person is tapping away on her cell phone.

"Mikan-chan!" Hoshio says waving me over.

I contain my sigh of relief at being acknowledged and make my way over to them.

"It's obviously your first day so whose your host?"

"Host?" I repeat.

"Yeah sorry we kind of have our own language here. Whenever there's a new worker we call them the fledgling and whoever oversees them is their 'host'." Hoshio explained.

"We used to call newbies cysts, but Imai-san said that calling someone a cyst in a restaurant will ruin people's appetites." Nobara chimed in.

Hoshio looks very delicate with sandy brown hair and matching eyes. His clothes look almost too big on his lanky frame. Nobara is a completely different story, just like Anna, she seems almost too cute to be in my presence. Her curly light blue hair and crystal blue eyes almost seemed store bought, but she appears so delicate and gentle I would hardly believe a girl like her does something like that. Her uniform compliments her frame and she laughs so airily. It's like I'm across the room instead of right next to her. I hope I don't look as out of place as I feel.

"So where are you from?" Nobara asks me.

"Um, I'm from some backwoods town you've probably never heard of. I just moved in with my grandparents so I can work for some college money." I reply quickly.

"Oh wow, where do you want to go?" she asks.

"I'm not sure yet. I haven't exactly figured myself out yet."

"That's perfectly normal we all can't be a 'Sumire Shouda' or a 'Hotaru Imai'." Hoshio chimes in.

"What do you mean and who's Sumire?" I ask genuinely curious.

"Well what I mean is, that we all don't have our lives planned out step by step with money to back up whatever we choose to do."

"Yeah planning and money are pretty scarce for me right now." I say trying to sound like I'm joking.

"And Sumire, _well_," Hoshio starts.

"Sumire Shouda is a delusional, spoiled little brat with nothing good about her appearance or personality in any shape or form." Luna says suddenly.

I didn't even know she was listening to our conversation, but she gets up and walks over to some other waitresses.

"Don't mind her. She and Sumire hate each other because of Natsume."

"Why?"

"Because one week he'll be with Sumire and the next week he'll be with Luna and then the next week someone else, but he always manages to circle back to those two."

"What a jerk."

Hoshio just shrugs, "Personally, Nobara and I think that he doesn't particularly like either of them. He just likes to see them go at each other's throats when he walks into a room."

"That's low. If he doesn't like them, he shouldn't play with them like that." I huff.

"Well he doesn't profess his love to them or anything; they just like to be number one. Quite frankly, I think they enjoy it, like being with Natsume is like winning a pageant or something."

"Well he's still a jerk and they're both idiots."

Nobara and Hoshio smile at me as if I've won their approval with that one phrase.

"You never told us who you're host is." Hoshio pointed out.

"Oh, um someone named Misaki? At least until Anna starts her shift." I reply.

"Lucky. I got Luna when I started here. She was awful and practically made me do everything." Nobara pouted.

"So where is this Misaki person anyway?" I ask.

"Alright! Everyone shut up! It's almost time to open." A pink haired girl barked emerging from the kitchen.

Upon seeing her I knew she was Misaki. She was rather busty and her eyes seemed to match her hair perfectly. She had an authority over the room as she went over the morning procedure.

"We have a newbie today so everyone please make Mikan Sakura feel welcome. Answer her questions and be patient we were all newbies once." She says.

Everyone's eyes are on me and I tried to not look as self-conscious as I feel and managed to smile a little bit. Behind Misaki, through the window a crowd was forming. Anna wasn't kidding when she said _Imai's _was popular. You would think there is nowhere else to eat in this town.

"Alright, Hamachi and Ishikawa are hosting today, Hoshino and Nakamura are on register and everyone else needs to grab a menu. You should have looked at the chart in your kitchen to know what quadrant you are serving. No slip ups people. Hotaru has a meeting today so she could show up at any time. Be on your toes always. Mikan-chan you are with me. Let's go people!"

Everyone seemed to disburse like soldiers to their designated areas. Two headed to the door and small groups disbursed among a group of tables, which must be the 'quadrants' Misaki mentioned earlier. I followed Misaki to the group of tables more towards the front and she handed me a small purple pad and a pen.

"I'm in charge of you until Anna gets here for her shift. You will practice taking orders. I will be the actually taking the orders, but you will be standing behind me writing it down as well. You will learn our short hand system this way. Compare yours to mine as you run it back to Aoi's."

"Aoi's?" I ask.

"Automatic order input system. Aoi's. It's how we get the orders sent to the kitchen. There's a button for everything on the menu. It's Hotaru's own invention. There will be someone there to take the order slip from you and input it. Take note of how they do this. You will learn that later."

"Whatever happened to just giving the orders directly to the chef?" I ask.

"She does it that way so she can monitor the order trends of the customers. What foods are popular during week days, weekends, and holidays and so on."

"Wow."

"Hotaru is very analytical if you couldn't tell."

"She invented Aoi's herself?" I ask not bothering to contain my amazement.

"Yep. It's patented as well so other restaurants that want to upgrade to Aoi's has to cut her a big fat check first."

"Wow." I repeat.

I look at the pair of machines in the back corner beside the kitchen. Two girls were already standing behind them chatting with each other. They looked impressive and didn't take away from the restaurant's elegance. They are shaped like podiums with touchscreens built in. There is a swipe side for ID cards to record who is in charge of Aoi's at any given time. For accountability Misaki told me.

As the clock drew closer and closer to eight a.m. my palms were starting to sweat. The only thing I knew about being a waitress was what I saw in dramas. What if I screw up and Hotaru fires me on the spot? I push the thought to the back of my head and take a deep breath. No one else seemed nervous or anxious. Everyone looked happy to be there working together. This is an attitude I will have to adopt.

"5, 4, 3, 2- "Misaki counted.

And as a unit, the doors opened and everyone bowed while saying 'Welcome'. I will definitely have to get that part down. I bowed my head as well, but everyone else was already straightening up and showing people to their tables. It's unbelievable that this place is nearly full and it's so early in the morning. I plaster a smile on my face like everyone else and follow Misaki to her first table.

She greets the customer's with a genuine warmth and glow with a smile on her face. She recommends an omelet with such detail about its 'rich flavor and fresh vegetables' that my stomach turns with want. The two women's eyes lit up and they ordered two and a side of piping hot porridge. I scribble down the orders along with Misaki as I was instructed and took Misaki's sheet to one of the girls behind an Aoi's machine. I watched as the brunette behind the machine moved her fingers effortlessly across the screen, selecting the order and quantity. There's a box alongside the order screen labeled 'Specifications'. She clicked the box and an onscreen keyboard appeared. She typed the words 'piping hot' in the box and hit the submit key.

"Customer satisfaction is top priority. If a customer requests a temperature that is what we provide." She said to me.

I nodded eagerly and looked at Misaki's order sheet, the shorthand for omelet and porridge were rather simple. I looked up and she was already at another table. I hurry over to her as she hands another order form to me.

"You have_ got_ to keep up newbie." She says.

* * *

><p>When Anna arrived at quarter to three I was on my break. Employees get courtesy lunch meals so we don't have to bring outdoor foods in. Hotaru would rather die than have people eat someone else's food in her own restaurant. We're limited to what we can order of course. She may be self-obligated to feed us, but she won't put her profits at risk, Misaki explained to me.<p>

When Anna came in she had her typical air of Lolita bubbliness that the dark ages probably couldn't penetrate. Her eyes lit up upon seeing me and she rushed over to the table where I was sharing my lunch with Youichi. 'Sharing' being the operative word, since he was devouring everything in sight, but it made me so happy to see him eat, that I didn't even notice.

"You're here! How was your first day? Was Misaki everything I said she was? Oh you brought Youichi! He's so adorable. I'm going to go fix my hair. Don't go anywhere."

And like a whirlwind of activity, she disappeared into the back room.

"Sorry about that. Anna operates on a higher frequency than everyone else. I blame the baking fumes." A girl said to me.

I got so caught up in Anna's tornado of words that I didn't even notice she was with someone. I was even more caught off guard because the girl had the same face as Anna except dark blue hair replaced cotton candy pink.

"I'm Nonoko, Anna's twin sister. She told me all about you yesterday. Congratulations on getting the job. Hotaru doesn't really hire on the spot like that so you must really be something." She said.

I realize my mouth was slightly agape at the fact that Anna had a twin. I know that they exist, but  
>I've never personally met any twins in my life, like they are some kind of mythical creature that originated from folklore to explain yin and yang. But here I am staring at Nonoko who shares DNA with Anna that makes them identical even down to their small noses and big blue eyes.<p>

"Oh. Yeah." I manage to get out.

Smooth. I manage to stare at the girl for a solid minute without saying anything like a moron. She's going to think I'm a freak and tell Anna who will tell Hotaru that she made a big mistake in hiring me and then I'll get fired and then we'll be on the street and I'll have to sell my organs-

She laughed, "Don't worry about it. A lot of people freak out when they first meet Anna and me as a set. I dyed my hair so we wouldn't be so similar, but our resemblance is undeniable. The woes of being a split zygote I'm afraid."

It was my turn to laugh. Nonoko is similar to Anna, but she has her own spark that I've immediately taken a shine to.

"You and your woes." Anna says emerging from the back room, hair done up perfectly.

Nonoko rolls her eyes playfully and they sat down in the two vacant chairs at the table. Youichi finished eating and got up from the table wordlessly and plopped back in his spot on the couch.

"Is he always like that?" Anna asks.

"Always." I reply eating a piece of garlic bread Youichi left. He doesn't like garlic, which to me is a shame. Garlic bread is my favorite. My dad was big on Italian food when he was alive. Our traditional Japanese home got invaded by pasta and ziti some nights.

"She's really spacey." Nonoko says.

I pop my head up and look at them, they're giving me that weird 'what's up with you look'.

"Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind these days." I laugh.

"We were asking where you go to school." Anna said smiling.

"I'm being home schooled right now. Me and Youichi both. My gramps use to be a professor so he's really smart and he likes teaching us." I reply.

I silently thank God that I had thought of a few lies yesterday after the whole application form incident. I can put down a bogus address for now seeing as we get our checks handed to us on payday.

"I thought you went to that other school. What was it again?" Anna asked with a contemplative look on her face.

"Yeah, but seeing as how I want to pay for college myself through working homeschooling is a better alternative."

"So it's just you and your brother all the time?" Nonoko asked.

"Not always. My gramps is home a lot, but Youichi is attached to me since our parents…left."

"They went abroad?" Anna asked.

I nodded quickly, "To America. They love it there."

"Wow. My mom hardly ever leaves the kitchen." Anna commented.

"Our mother owns a bakery. She's always covered in flour and smells like cake batter." Nonoko said with a smile.

"She's always smudging everything with her frosting fingers." Anna commented.

"Like you're one to talk." Nonoko added.

Anna just laughed.

"Do you bake also?" I ask.

Anna turned a little pink, "I'm nowhere near as good as my mom, but I dabble a little."

"A little? You would write your homework in frosting if you could." Nonoko interjected.

"That's brilliant. Are you going to take over your mom's shop?" I asked.

"Not right away. I want to…well…its stupid…forget it." Her cheeks are really red now.

"It's not stupid," Nonoko defends, "She wants to go to France and study to become a pastry chef."

"That's not stupid at all that's amazing." I said genuinely impressed.

"Thanks. I'm not really that smart, but I really want to make it happen." Anna explained.

"You don't need to be smart. You ace French like it's nothing and you can bake like no one's business. You're going, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming." Nonoko threatened.

Anna just smiled at her sister and tried to stop blushing.

"Why France?" I ask.

"Aramis Kingcade. French Pastry Chef God." Anna said dreamily.

"You're going because of some guy?"

Anna looked offended, "Some guy? He is the greatest pastry chef in the world. People pay thousands of dollars for his work. He made a chocolate fountain Devil's food cake that was the work of an angelic being."

"So he's not hot?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Anna went pink again, "Gorgeous. BUT I'm going there purely for educational purposes."

"Riiiight." Nonoko said which sent us both into laughter.

"You guys!"

"Okay, okay, we're sorry. So are you just going to knock on his door and say 'Hi my name is Anna please teach me your heavenly ways?'"

"He has a school in Paris. He travelled the world seeking out the best pastry chefs of the world to teach there. They only accept the best. If I get accepted I'll be able to work anywhere I want. Graduates from his school have the top employment rate after graduation."

"That sounds amazing."

"My application is already finished. If they like it, I'll get to have an interview and if I pass the interview, they'll send a scout to taste my amateur samples to gauge my potential."

Anna's eyes lit up as she went on about Paris and Aramis and the school. I envy her. I want to have that passion for something. Something that I know I'm going to want to do for the rest of my life. Nonoko also shares her dream of going to Tokyo University and major in Genetics to study cloning and how chemicals affect the human body. She says she wants to clone herself because God must've sneezed when he was putting Anna together, to which Anna responded with a not too gentle smack on the arm.

I listened to them bicker on and talk about dreams and the future. Fortunately they didn't ask me anymore questions and then I had to go back to work. I shadowed Anna around the restaurant and really got into the swing of things: taking orders in shorthand, going between tables quickly without running or knocking someone or something over. Turns out being a waitress is just like how they are portrayed in the dramas, except they don't tell you how much your feet hurt or the temptation you have to fight when delivering someone's delicious meal because you are a starving runaway and the aroma of deliciousness calls to you like the devil himself. Nevertheless, I managed to keep a cool head and a graceful demeanor as I went about my work.

As the clock drew nearer to the end of my shift I felt some resentment. Working from eight to four is a typical daily grind for most people, but I need to work more. I need my first paycheck to have enough money to cover a down payment on an apartment. Any decent place would ask for the first and last month's rent especially if they're considering giving an apartment to Youichi and me.

I still have to put some serious thought into what I'm going to do with Youichi even if we do find a place. I'm too paranoid to leave him alone at home for hours and I can't keep bringing him to work with me, it'll get suspicious. This whole runaway with a child thing is getting more complicated every day, but the thought of going back to that house with Yuka and Persona sends a chill down my spine. Thinking about Yuka makes me feel a little light headed because a part of me still worries about her: if Persona is feeding her, if she's showering, if her heart is broken all over again, if she's still alive. I told myself a long time ago that I didn't care if Yuka lived or died, but the eight year old girl who held her mother as she sobbed refused to let me be one hundred percent indifferent.

I have to work for money to take care of Youichi and myself, but work also provides a distraction from my thoughts. I can't think about anything else except for orders and table numbers and hastening my pace with running and trying not to knock something or someone over. It's just a blur of activity that doesn't give my thoughts a chance to creep up on me.

I'm on my way to the back room to swipe out when I see that Hotaru's office door is open. I really wanted to avoid her at all cost just in case she had any resentment towards me, but she did hire me after all, but was I really in any position to try and ask her for a favor? Without even realizing it, I'm walking towards her door. I can hear her tapping away at her keyboard. I take a deep breath and knock on the door frame.

"What?" she replies not looking up from the screen.

"Imai-sama I was wondering…." I couldn't bring myself to finish the question.

"If you're inquiring as to why I hired you, don't misunderstand. I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner, but you raised my interest enough to see if you can actually do the job. Imagine to my surprise when my establishment is still intact and you've managed not to knock anything over or set anyone on fire. I was half expecting Misaki to demand your termination immediately, but she seems to like you for whatever reason, so your job is safe _for now_."

"Actually I was wondering if there were any more positions available, perhaps a night shift at your bar."

My request causes her to look up at me, but her amethyst eyes are blank as usual and she says nothing.

"It's just that I really want to start college on time and since I'm being homeschooled now, I can work whole days and I would really appreciate the chance to earn as much as possible and your ad did say that you many open positions. If I can manage not to completely screw up your restaurant, bartending shouldn't be so hard, right?"

My request was beginning to sound like a plea and her silence made me feel even that more pathetic. She just looked at me some more and then shuffled through some papers on her desk I didn't know if it was contemplative or dismissive, so I stood rooted to my spot as she pulled out a single sheet and looked it over.

"You already work full-time in the restaurant and if I give you another position it'll be complicated to sort out your pay, so you can apply for a bartending or waitressing position for the bar and I can determine your income for both separately and combine them for your paycheck."

"Is that a yes?" I ask, somewhat surprised.

She looks up at me again, "Don't get happy, I just don't want to go through another parade of worthless bimbos who try to apply here because of Natsume."

That name again.

"This Natsume guy, is he really that great of a person?"

She rolls her eyes, "Quite the opposite, he's a bastard with a hidden agenda who goes through women like Kleenex."

"You must really hate him." I comment.

"He's one of my closest friends." She sighs.

"Oh."

That's a head scratcher.

"Brutal honesty draws me to people and although you're rude, crass and hopelessly moronic, you're honest. I can't stand a liar."

My stomach twisted uncomfortably and I said nothing in response. She was scribbling on my application, so she didn't notice. Honest? I haven't been honest about anything since I ran away. My name, where I'm from, Youichi, my grandparents, where we live; everything that has come out of my mouth since I stepped foot off that bus has been a lie, but how could I tell anyone the truth? The truth could put Youichi in danger and I can't allow that. If I have to trade honesty for Youichi's life I rather be a liar my whole life. I owe Youichi everything, everyone else will have to come last. The only person in this world I cannot lie to is him.

Hotaru slid the paper across the desk for me to sign. Her purple pen marks up my new job hours: Monday thru Friday I work in the restaurant from eight a.m. to four p.m. and Thursday thru Sunday I work in the club from eight p.m. to midnight. I work every day, but I have Saturday and Sunday mornings off, which will probably, be filled with apartment shopping and trying to figure out Youichi's school situation. Even though I'm technically a high school dropout, I want Youichi to go to school. It's just a matter of how. And seeing as 'how' is the major point of the problem, I can't exactly move forward.

I signed the paper and slid it back across the desk to her. She put it back in a pile and started tapping away at her computer again. I took that as my dismissal and went back to the employee lounge to get Youichi after I clocked out. I was fastening his scarf around his neck when Anna came in.

"Are you on break already?" I asked her, fastening the scarf.

"No I just came to see you off." She said with a smile.

"So are we like friends now?" I joked.

"Of course! I hired you didn't I?"

I just laughed and put on my coat. Youichi buried his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall looking at nothing in particular while I put on my stuff. Anna is trying to get Youichi to tell her what his favorite snack is. She's really cute kneeling down next to him; her big blue eyes are looking at him with intrigue and eagerness to reach out to him.

"Come on Youichi-chan. I want to know what your voice sounds like."

I smiled to myself as I took my hair down and wrapped my scarf around my neck when Anna's shriek made me jump out of my skin.

"Don't you ever touch me again!" Youichi practically screamed.

I turned around to see Anna sprawled on the floor and Youichi with balled fist and an ugly scowl on his face. My eyes went wide with fear as he lifted his arm to strike her.

"Youichi no!" I yelled running for him, but a different hand stopped him.

"What the heck?" the man asked with a firm hold on Youichi's wrist.

My body is shaking all over and the room is spinning. The hatred that was in Youichi's eyes and the terrified look on Anna's face reminded me so much of Persona the chills are still pulsing through me. I can't calm myself down enough to get a word in. Youichi steals his arm away and looks at me. He realized what he just did and I can see the revelation shakes him to the core.

"Anna? Are you ok?" the guy asks kneeling beside her, but she can't take her gaze off of Youichi. Her eyes are wide and full of fear and confusion.

"Who are you and what the heck is going on?" the guy says sternly to me.

I nearly jump out of my skin. I suppress tears and grab my bag.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm so sorry." I say and keep repeating as I grab Youichi's and hurry out of Imai's as quickly as I can.

I didn't stop running until we reached a bench at a bus stop a few blocks away. I collapse onto my knees and start sobbing. I don't mean to, but they won't stop coming. All the fear and anger I felt towards Persona for planting even the smallest seed of darkness in Youichi made me feel a rage that consumes my entire body. My shoulders shake as I cry. I can feel Youichi's eyes on me, but I can't look at him.

I was stupid to think that we could run from Persona. He's everywhere; in every weary glance, in every raised hand, in our minds, darkening our hearts, directing our nightmares. We can't run.

"I'm bad, aren't I?" Youichi said after a minute.

I looked at him, but he was looking at his trembling hands with wide eyes. When you're a kid you learn about superheroes and villains, right and wrong, good and bad. As you grow you learn about the shades of grey: white lies, vigilantes, me 'kidnapping' Youichi to get him away from the source of our terrors. It doesn't make sense at first but as you continue to grow, you realize that nothing does. The set boundaries you receive as a child begin to fade and nothing is the same.

As I look at Youichi, I can feel him slipping. Darkness is creeping into him and he's afraid and not of Persona, but of himself. I wipe my face on the back of sleeve and take his hands in mine. He looks up at me confused and afraid. I kiss his palms tenderly, one after the other and cup his hands in mine and look into his eyes. I can't waver. Not in this moment, not ever again.

"You are not bad. Don't even think that." I tell him.

His trembling hands refused to be steadied by mine. So I wrap his entire little body in my arms and hold him like I'm losing him. Just stay. That's what I want to tell him. Don't turn into something that makes you look at your own hands as if they're covered in blood.

"You're okay. I promise. Everything is going to be okay."

"I thought she was gonna-"

I shushed him, "I know. But I will protect you. I'll always protect you."

His body is rigid in my arms, an unconscious refusal to be comforted. Tears are welling up again; it's not enough to be away from Persona. It's like we've contracted a disease that's no longer environmental it's inside of us. The fear, the rage, everything that we've experienced is still with us. I was foolish to think that we could just leave it all behind like it never happened. The past shapes who we are and affects our present.

The bruises fade, the wounds heal, and distance separates us from what we fear the most, but we are left shaken in the wake of that has happened.

And we are never the same.

* * *

><p><em>I know, I know. Not the Natsume chap I promised, but I'm trying to time everything well and not rush through it. Currently in the story it's Wednesday which means Mikan starts at the bar tomorrow. I have a few ideas for the chapter but nothing conclusive so I don't know when it will be up.<em>

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan_


	7. Numb

_Hello everyone,_

_Another chapter for you so spread the word and bring me lots of reviews, okay?_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Numb<strong>

I actually worked up the nerve to come back to work today. I didn't want to, but the rumbling in my stomach brought me to my senses.

Youichi didn't speak for the rest of the day yesterday. We had some snacks from the gas station after walking back from where I dragged us when I sprinted out of _Imai's_. Kokoro, the cashier, tried to talk to me, but I couldn't be bothered. I just wanted to get Youichi some food and get some sleep. He didn't stop trembling the whole night. Lying next to me in apartment eleven, he didn't stop shaking. Not from the cold, but from realizing the same thing I did. Even though he's only five, Youichi knows that you can run from the hands of the devil, but that doesn't mean you're free or safe from what it leaves inside of you.

After what happened yesterday, I resolved to never come back. Rumors spread like wild fire and I didn't want Youichi being the victim of dirty looks while I waited tables all day. If Anna and that guy reported it to Hotaru I'd be fired anyway, so why bother? I guess having no options left gives you the courage and humility to return to the scene of the crime. I know Youichi feels terrible about what happened, but there's nothing that can be done now. When I walked into work after seven thirty, everyone carried on with their duties; setting tables, spraying lavender fragrance, and getting ready for a Thursday morning rush.

My paranoia led me to think that everyone knew about the incident that transpired yesterday and are ignoring my presence. I didn't see Nobara or Hoshio, but Luna was there. She just looked at us with her usual disinterest and went about her work, which didn't put me at ease. When I got to the employee lounge Hoshio came out of the back room and told me that Hotaru wanted to see me _and_ Youichi. My throat got dry almost instantly and my heart sank more and more as we drew closer to Hotaru's office door.

I knocked hesitantly on the door and she called us in. We were told to sit as she continued to type. We watched her perform various task as we waited. Ten minutes have gone by and my stomach is swirling in more knots, while Youichi just stares blankly ahead. I'm more worried about him than my job. Our relationship was not formed under the most ideal circumstances and he's not the most pleasant boy to be around, but then again none of that is his fault.

Hotaru sighs and pushes a stack of papers from in front of her off to the side and takes a sip from her china tea cup. She sets it down carefully before speaking. I note that her hair and face are exactly the same since the last time I saw her only today she is wearing a white dress shirt and her lavender blazer is hung over the back of her chair.

"Well yesterday's incident has indeed been brought to my attention and although Anna assures me that she is fine and won't say anything, Ruka is concerned."

"Ruka?"

"The gentleman who stopped your brother from assaulting Anna yesterday."

I think back to yesterday's events and focus on trying to remember the boy's face. I was so concerned about Youichi and the look in his eyes it must have given me tunnel vision, but I manage to remember blue eyes, blonde hair, and the chiseled jaw line of a boy who couldn't be older than twenty. I can't remember what he was wearing, but under the circumstances I was otherwise preoccupied.

"Look, I know that it was a bad situation, but Youichi is really sorry for what happened yesterday." I explain.

"He doesn't look sorry." Hotaru comments.

"That's just how he always looks, but trust me he's sorry, really, really sorry." I plead.

"His demeanor is so similar to Natsume's, it's scary." She says more to herself than to us without taking her eyes off of Youichi.

He doesn't make eye contact, but I know he's listening and he's probably uncomfortable being compared to someone he's never even met.

"What about Natsume?" a voice says from behind me.

I turn around and come face to face with the guy from yesterday. His eyes are indeed ocean blue and his hair is like sunshine in the summer. His black button shirt has two buttons undone and the sleeves are rolled up to his elbows. He walks around to Hotaru's side of the desk and sits on the edge of it looking at Youichi and me with analytical eyes. It was like he was trying to get our entire backstory from just looking at us.

"I was remarking about the boy's demeanor." Hotaru clarified picking a file.

"Yeah the same blank eyes and uncaring tone in his gaze." He agreed.

"Look I said he was sorry, there is nothing else I can say."

"You can explain why you bring your brother to the work place. This isn't a day care center." Hotaru said over the top of the papers.

"I know, but if I don't take him out he would never leave the house. My grandparents are nice, but they're old and he has no friends his own age and we're both home-schooled. He's very attached to me as well. We're all each other have when our parents fly the coop, which is often."

"I believe I made it clear that I could care less about your life story." She replies not even bothering to look up.

"Come on Hotaru. You know how Natsume gets, this kid is no different." Ruka says nudging her with his elbow.

"Yeah and based on what you told me yesterday this kid is shaping up to be just like Natsume; violent, short-tempered, cynical, and a disappointment." She says.

"How dare you." I say before I can stop myself.

The two of them say nothing and just look at me.

"You don't know anything about him and you don't even have the decency to use his name. 'This kid'? What do you even know about him? You're so quick to compare him to this Natsume person who you talk about with disdain, but apparently he's one of your closest friends? I know what he did was wrong, but you have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to him. He is my family and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about him as if he is a parasite. I don't know about this Natsume and what kind of person he is, but I will never let Youichi be like that. Ever. My job is to protect him and make sure that what happened yesterday never happens again."

They stare at me for a moment without saying anything. The silence is awkward and tense. After a short moment Hotaru lets out a sigh.

"Then it can't be helped. You can bring your brother here with you, but he needs to stay under my careful watch."

"You're going to watch him?" I ask incredulously.

"Don't be stupid. I just said he'll be under my careful watch. The incident was isolated and none of the other employees know about what happened."

She swivels the computer monitor around to show me a live streaming image of the employee lounge.

"So if there is another incident like yesterday, you're fired. Anna is a close associate of mine and she has worked here for a while. I cannot tolerate any behavior that makes her feel uneasy because it will reflect in her work."

"There won't be another incident and again I am very sorry." I tell her.

Ruka still looks skeptical and says nothing as I take Youichi's hand and we leave the room. I bring him into the employee lounge and set him on the couch.

"I know you're upset about yesterday and I promise that things will get easier. I won't let anything happen to you okay?"

He doesn't respond so I just hug and kiss his head, "You're safe." I whisper in case Hotaru's cameras also come with audio. I clock in at two minutes past eight and rush to find Misaki. 'Meeting with Hotaru' was all I needed to say and Misaki didn't ask me any questions. We go about the work day at our usual pace and it's like the whole 'incident' never happened. I learned more shorthand and shared my lunch with Youichi. When Anna came in and hurried past without even looking up, I knew I had to talk to her.

When I got to the back room she was putting her coat in her locker. Her back was towards me so she didn't notice I was standing in the doorway, which gave me some time to actually think about what I want to say. I was hoping to avoid the subject altogether, but she said we were friends and I didn't want to make her feel like Youichi was some crazy monster.

"Anna. . ." I called out.

She turned to me and looked a little concerned, "Oh Mikan, how are you?"

"I'm fine. How about you?" I reply.

"I'm good, just running a little late today." She explained unwrapping her scarf.

"Look Anna about yesterday-", I start.

"You don't have to say anything, okay?" she jumped in, turning back to her locker.

"No it's not okay and yes I do." I say walking to the other side of her.

She kept her eyes focused on her reflection in her locker mirror and started fixing her hair. I took a deep breath and decide to wing it.

"I know that you probably hate me because my brother freaked you out and I promise that we'll both stay away from you. I never meant from this to happen, but there are circumstances that you can't possibly understand and I can't even begin to explain to you."

"Mikan stop. You're the one who should hate me. I completely flew off the handle yesterday. He's a kid for God's sake how could I let him scare me so much? I knew that your brother was standoff-ish, but I still pushed him anyway. He was right to snap at me. I was just a little caught off guard, but when I thought about it, I realized how wrong I was. I was terrified that you would think that I was trying to get you fired. I would never do that, ever." She explained.

I wanted to cry. She thought I was mad at her for her overreaction. I guess anyone who lives in a normal household would perceive Youichi behavior as a tantrum. They have no reason to think that there is something seriously wrong with him. They couldn't feel the anger in his voice like I could or see Persona in his eyes. Maybe Anna got a glimpse of it, but she shrugged it off as easily as she takes off her coat. She pulled me into a hug and apologized. I felt awkward as I just stood there with Anna's arms wrapped around me. I've never been hugged by another girl before. I hug Youichi, but to be hugged by someone my own age is a completely new experience for me.

She pulled away and smiled and launched into a story about what happened in her Math class. Her mile a minute speech is a perfect distraction from how awkward I feel after being hugged. The closest thing I've had to a hug since the downfall of my life was supporting my mother who couldn't stand on her own. Trying to dress her and get her into bed was my hug. I push the morbid thoughts away and concentrate on Anna's words.

"So you got the job in the bar? That's awesome you'll be making some serious money down there. There are a lot more rules down there though. Hotaru likes to keep things classy without wanting to seem too uptight."

"Who would ever accuse Hotaru of being up tight?" I ask with evident sarcasm.

Anna just laughed and finished looping her hair through her white hair band. Despite the awkward start to the day, I manage to end my shift with Misaki's praise and not getting fired. Youichi sat glued to his seat the whole day. He ate lunch in silence and didn't even insult me when I asked him if he liked the chicken better than the fish. After eating he just went back on the couch and continued to stare disinterestedly at the television.

I was readjusting my bun when Luna stormed in with a black box with purple trimming. She thrust it into my chest and I had to cling for dear life just not to drop it. She turned on her heel and was heading for the door.

"Hey wait! What is this?" I call out to her.

"Are you retarded? It's your uniform." She replied looking over her shoulder.

"Uniform?" I repeated looking down at the box.

"God. Are going to keep this up much longer? Shouda is going to have a field day with you." she said with a smirk.

"Shouda?" I asked.

"You got off easy getting Misaki for a host, but Hotaru must have it out for you to make Sumire Shouda teach you the bar ropes."

I didn't reply and just stared at her. She scoffed and left the room. I stuck my tongue out at her back and opened the box. If the restaurant is for saints, then the bar is for sinners. A violet dress that I mistook for a skirt and black shorts occupied the box. The second compartment had black leather stilettos boots tucked neatly next to each other. I go into the employee bathroom to change, but after I zipped up the side of the leather boot I wanted to die. The dress revealed too much flesh. I'm way too pale to pull this look off. The door opens and I nearly jump out of my skin.

"Oh, Mikan-chan. Wow." Nobara said coming up to me.

"I feel like a prostitute." I say.

"Don't be ridiculous. I've seen girls wear shorter dresses to go to school dances. And besides it's very flattering on you."

"I've never worn anything like this before." I explain.

"I can tell. Your hair is all wrong. Let me help you."

Nobara pulled down my bun and pushed my hair over my shoulders. My hair is curly thanks to letting it air dry up in a bun. Nobara twist some of my locks around her finger and adjust my bangs.

"Your hair is so long Mikan-chan."

"Yeah I never do anything with it so all it does it grow." I admit.

"You should wear it down more often. It's really pretty."

"Thanks."

My cheeks feel a little warm, having female friends that hug you and fix your hair, and call you pretty is a lot better than TV shows suggest. Of course you have to worry about girls who become your friends just to fill an agenda, but I don't think Anna and Nobara are like that at all.

"You have really good skin too. You must never wear make-up or eat greasy foods."

"You got me." I reply.

I never thought about all the things I missed out on since my mom became a walking corpse. I spent a lot of time at school to get out of the house, but I knew I was different for the other girls. I've known most of them since I was young, but ever since I became 'that girl who's dad got shot' I started getting treated differently. Their moms would ask me where my mom has been, they don't see her at the market anymore. I had so many excuses that eventually they stopped asking. They could sense that something was off about my family, especially when Persona and Youichi got into the picture, but they had the decency not to ask. They prefer to whisper and make up their own stories as to what was going on in that house; none of them could even imagine the real truth.

I fantasized what my life would have been like if my dad didn't die or if my mom didn't get so sick. Maybe I would have a dream by now, a goal that went beyond basic survival. Would I have wanted to be a pastry chef like Anna, a scientist like Nonoko or maybe a writer or a freelance photographer? The list went on and on in my head. The endless potential they say every child has. I think of Youichi. Most five year olds talk about being firemen or superheroes. I can't even imagine Youichi saying anything like that and it makes me want to cry. The constant reminder that he and I are not 'normal' is painful. We don't have hopes and dreams, we just have survival. Running away just to have a chance at seeing tomorrow, that's what we strive for. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but if we can just do a little bit better every day it's good enough.

I excuse myself from the bathroom to go check on Youichi. Nobara stays to fix her hair in the mirror. I catch a glimpse or her as I leave; she has no idea how different we are. My bruises have faded which I am thankful for, but even if she had seen them, any excuse would pacify her because just like Anna, she wouldn't want to believe what's right in front of her. It must be nice on the other side.

Youichi is watching an anime movie that I recognize from when I was about ten or so. It's based off of the Cinderella fairytale with lots of drastic changes, but the basic plotline is intact. He doesn't look away from the screen or acknowledge me in anyway. I lean against him, nothing. So I keep leaning until I'm practically squishing him.

"What are you doing?" he says pushing at my face, "Get up."

"Not until you stop being pouty." I say leaning more.

"Oi old lady, get off of me."

"Not until you feel better."

"Because breaking my ribs will make me feel better? Move." He demands.

"Fine I'll just hug you instead." I say wrapping him in my arms before he can slip away.

He wiggles and squirms in my grasp, but of course I'm much strong than he is. He finally sighs after a minute and stops moving.

"Now was that so hard?" I say.

He grunts in response and I finally release him.

I sigh dramatically and tousle his hair, "You're so cute when you're grumpy."

He folds his arms over his chest and tries to sit further away from me. I slide closer to him so he's caught between me and a hard place. I rest my head on his.

"Oi hag, don't do anything sketchy for money." He says after a minute.

"Hm?" I reply popping my head up.

"Dressed like that, don't do anything weird for money." He repeats.

It crosses my mind that Youichi may know more about the adult world than a typical five year old. Having Persona as a guardian must have led to more exposure than what a kid his age should ever see.

I tousle his hair again and laugh, "Like I would ever do anything weird."

He doesn't reply, but I can tell the potential horrors of his past are crossing his mind.

"Hey Youichi?" I call out.

He doesn't respond, but I know he's listening.

"How did you end up with Persona? Do you remember?" I ask.

He doesn't say anything, but the tension in his eyes makes me wish I hadn't asked.

"It's alright if you don't remember, I was just-"

"I remember." He says quietly.

"Oh?"

"I remember a lot of things." He says.

The ominous tone in his voice gives me a chill. I'm beginning to wonder if the terrors that I assumed must be in his past are nowhere near as horrible as they actually were. When he doesn't say anything else I just sit there next to him, holding his hand. He has a little faith in me right now and I never want him to lose that. I want it to grow. I want him to tell me all the terrible things that happened to him so that I can cry for him, so that he can know that he doesn't have to do it alone.

"I don't have to work for a while, let's go for a walk." I say.

"Not dressed like that." He replies.

I laugh and go to my locker to get my clothes and change in the bathroom. I leave my hair down so I don't have to mess with it when I come back. After getting him into his coat and hat, I take his hand and we leave through the back entrance which Anna told me about and head down the street. It's not as cold today as it's been all week, which I'm thankful for. Warm weather would make my life a little bit better since I won't have to worry about either of us freezing to death in that old apartment.

We find our way to a small playground and sit on the bench overlooking the swing set. We always seem to find our way to a park of some kind. Like dramatic irony the one place we seek peace is a playground that neither of us have set foot on since happy times. Normal kids can come here and play and swing and laugh then run home when frostbite starts to nip at their fingers. I try to think of what to say, but if I've learned anything about talking to people it's that sometimes you just have to say what you're feeling and the words form by themselves.

"Youichi, you know you can tell me anything, right? I would never run away from you or leave your side, you know that right?"

"You say that." He replies stoically staring at the swings.

"I mean it. I have no intention of breaking any of my promises. You're older than you look. The things we've been through have aged us, but I don't even know what happened to you before I met you. I know Persona isn't your real dad, so how did you end up with him?"

Youichi says nothing and just stares off into the distance like he's remembering something he promised himself that we would forget. The ball of regret is starting to form in my stomach the longer he just stares at the scenery, not looking at anything or taking it in just staring blankly ahead.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I tell him squeezing his hand in a comforting way.

"He killed my mom." He said after a minute.

My heart sank like a stone and I can't open my mouth to speak.

"What do you mean?" I ask hesitantly.

He sighed, "She owed him money, but she didn't have a job. He threatened to take me away. She fought him, but he was too strong. Her head leaned a funny way and she didn't move any more. I wasn't sad. I didn't know what happened."

"He broke her neck?" a part of me is in disbelief.

"She didn't get up, but her eyes were open. I don't know where he put her, but I never saw her again."

"Why did she owe him money?" I ask.

"She needed to pay rent so we wouldn't get kicked out, but she lost her job because she was sick all the time."

"I'm so sorry."

"Why? You didn't kill her." He replies in his usual cold tone.

"I know but you saw him kill your mother right in front of you."

"So did you." He replies not missing a beat.

"What?"

"Your mom is dead on the inside because of him. She was nice to me before, but now she's dead," He says, "Everybody dies. When doesn't really matter."

"Youichi . . ." I begin.

"She's not the only one he's killed. He choked someone and ran another person over. That's why he looks like that. The ghosts haunt him. I can feel them," he sighs again, "That's why he doesn't sleep. He's dead too."

My voice is barely a whisper, "I know."

I never thought Persona would kill someone, but apparently he's more than versed in homicide. Why is he allowed to tread so quietly? Where is God to smite him where he stands? Where is the cosmic energy of karma going to repay him tenfold for what he's done? If he'll kill and shoot up in front of a child who's to say that he hasn't done other things for Youichi to witness. I know that Persona is evil, but to kill Youichi's own mother in front of him? He's sick.

"He's going to kill us you know. If he ever finds us, he'll kill us. He told me if I ever ran away he'd find me and I'll wish I was dead."

I wrap my arm protectively around him, "That's not going to happen. I made you a promise and I'm not one for breaking promises."

We just sit like that for a while, not speaking. Persona is even more soulless and evil than I could ever have imagined. A chill runs down my spine at the thought of him ever finding where we are, but I can't keep running in fear of him taking the time to track us down. If it's one thing that Youichi needs its stability right now. I read that kids who are exposed to a negative environment are more likely to become criminal and the like. If it takes every bone in my body aching six ways from Sunday, I will never let Youichi go down that path. He'll have friends and a high school diploma, a job, a car, a wife and kids and all of this will be a distant memory if I have anything to say about it.

* * *

><p>Much like the restaurant, a line forms outside of the bar way before it opens. Fire code regulations set a maximum occupancy of the bar lower than the amount of people who actually show up. One thing I've learned working here is that Hotaru is very money oriented and provides bar entrance according to what lines her wallet the thickest.<p>

I leave Youichi in the break room with a bag of chips and a juice box from Anna. She does me a favor by leading me down the back stairway down the hall from Hotaru's office to get to the bar without having to go outside in my 'outfit'. We emerge into a smaller break room with one circular wooden table surrounded by three chairs, a leather love seat facing a television and a small kitchen area with a coffee maker. The walls are pale purple with black trimming matching perfectly with the rug in front of the loveseat. The table is a dark wood that I can't name just by looking at it, but it complements the room very well. There is no door enclosing the room just and archway that leads into the stock room where the refrigerators and wine rackets are kept.

The swinging door of the stock room leads to the back corner of the room next to the bar. It stretches down the entire back wall and is practically glowing with polish. The glass shelves mounted on the walls are fully loaded with alcoholic beverages that I've never even heard of before in fancy glass bottles. Below the shelves are beer dispensers that I've only ever seen in movies. Fruit mixers and actual slices of fruit are beneath the top counter of the bar where the customers can see or reach, but the bartenders can use to adorn drinks with. Below that surface are ice chests filled with beer bottles and other drinks I can't name.

Music is already pulsating through the air from a D.J. booth on the corner of the miniature stage on the opposite side of the bar. A sea of tables, chairs and a small dance floor separate the bar from the D.J. booth, but the music is loud as ever. A boy with round spectacles is tapping away at his laptop that is hooked into D.J. system. A pair of oversized headphones hung around his neck and the light from the computer screen reflected in his glasses.

Several girls dressed identical to me are already patrolling the room: fixing tables and wiping surfaces. Anna ushered me behind the bar where three out of the four girls were helping to set up: slicing fruit, wiping glasses and checking the ice chests. The fourth one is the on the phone talking in a very annoyed tone. She wears a black cocktail dress and leather and studded ankle boots. Her hair is short and very wavy and gives off a greenish tint. Her emerald eyes are narrowed in annoyance as she continues speaking.

"I don't care what it takes Yome, I need that paper done by tonight. Psychology is pointless and stupid and I need to be here tonight in case Natsume shows up." She says.

The person on the other end of the line is pleading a case of some sort that the girl couldn't be less interested in. She looks up at Anna and me and sizes me up with her eyes and then proceeds to roll them.

"Look either do it or don't speak to me ever again, your choice. Now if you'll excuse me I have something even more annoying that you to deal with."

She taps the screen of her phone to end the call and sighs looking back up at us crossing her arms over her chest.

"What's this?" she says with a pointed look.

Anna jumps in before I can open my mouth, "This is Mikan and starting today she is in your charge. Mikan this is Sumire Shouda."

"Sumire Shouda? I thought you're like mega rich with your future already planned out? Why are you working here?" I can't stop myself from saying.

She raises an eyebrow at me, but she's obviously pleased that I've heard of her.

"That is true, but I don't work here for money. I get paid, but I come here to see my boyfriend." She explains.

"You have to get a job in order to see your boyfriend?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

She doesn't approve of my skepticism if her glare is any indication.

"Rule one: don't get on my nerves." She says strutting away.

Anna rolls her eyes as soon as Sumire's back is turned, "Don't listen to her. She's all talk and like Natsume would ever be her boyfriend. She works here because Hotaru said she couldn't stalk Natsume here anymore so they worked out a trade. As for Natsume, he likes to disappear sometimes and when he comes back in town this is usually this is the first place he comes to. He sits in that back corner over there." Anna says nodding to a circular couch in front of a coffee table in a dim corner of the room.

"Try not to seat anyone there, but that shouldn't be a problem since Sumire will probably work you like a dog behind the bar," she smiles and hugs me, "Good luck."

Again with this physical contact. Hugs are natural for most people I'm sure, but I'm still not quite use to them and Anna seems like a hugger. She disappears behind the swinging door with a last wave goodbye to me. I'm not technically on my shift till eight and it's barely six, but I was getting antsy just waiting around with nothing to do. So I came back, got dressed and now here I stand ready to witness another rush of customers into _Imai's_ only this time the darker venue.

"Hey, new girl, if you're down here that means you're going to work." Sumire calls to me from another door entrance on the opposite end of the bar. I hurry over to her as fast as I can in my new shoes and follow her into a small tiled room filled with dish washers.

"This is where we wash all the glasses. You can load dishwashers today. Break anything it and it's your ass." She advises and disappears from the room.

I'm left alone in a room full of machines I don't know how to use and I'm not even getting paid. Guess this is what they mean when they say 'grunt work'. I walk up to one of the machines and inspect it. Buttons read 'Start', 'Super Wash', 'Delicate' and other machine washing related things I'm sure. They're chrome machine with a bright finish, shining as if they are cleaned regularly and knowing Hotaru they probably are.

I push both sides of my hair behind my ears and wonder around the room a bit. I hear the rush of people enter the bar. Their voices and laughter blended together with the pulsing music. I shut the door and sit on top of one of the machines. My legs crossed and my mind flinting about not really doing much for once. I haven't been alone by myself in the quiet for quiet so time. Youichi and I have been joined at the hip since our tragic story's beginning and when I'm not with him I'm being swallowed by a sea of people following Misaki around.

I let out a long sigh. I calculated my paycheck for this week and with the edition of my convenient second job, I'll definitely be able to have a place before the week is out. It may be empty and kind of crappy, but it will be ours and that's good enough.

Good enough. . .

When you have limited funds and an incomplete high school education 'good enough' is better than good enough. There's a mounting list of worries in my head about our security and safety, but what about the long run? In a perfect world I'll be able to finish high school, go to college, and live in a flat in Tokyo with a beautiful view of the skyline. Alas, the perfect world is elusive and flawed a dream that will remain just that. Confronting the fact we may never be free from the man that stalks our nightmares and lives inside us like a festering cancer.

I jump down from the machine a clack of my boots just in time for Sumire to come into the room with an annoyed look on her face.

"Are you going to stay here like a useless sack all day or are you going to clear tables?" she asked.

She didn't give me a chance to answer before throwing an apron at me and hauling me out by my arm.

This Sumire Shouda is going to be the death of me.

* * *

><p>For the past four hours since Sumire hauled me out of the washing room I've been waiting tables. Wiping spilt alcohol from the tables with a bleach-soaked rag and putting empty glasses into a tub I'm carrying around and discarded used ice into the trash bins. Wouldn't be too bad up in the restaurant, but down here it's torturous. My heels are too high and my feet are killing me. I'm getting bumped around every which way and dodging the groping hands of the male patrons. I put my hair up into a messy ponytail seeing as my busgirl duties didn't require me to look like I'm in a shampoo commercial.<p>

Sumire is more bar candy than an actual bartender. All she does is sit on the bar and maybe she'll pour one drink, but she mostly just does her makeup and flirt. I rolled my eyes as she takes a shot with an older man and laughs at what he says afterwards. I've been busting my hump and all the while she just sits there. I wipe another table and save my rear end from the reach of some guys whose still in high school.

"Newbie! Over here! Quick now!" a blonde girl shouts to me.

I maneuver the crowd to get to the table she gestured towards. It's overturned and as I pick it up my hands nearly stick to the surface. I wipe it clean on both sides and pick up the glasses off the floor and place them in my bucket. Getting up off the floor is rough business for my back, but I'm not one to moan and groan now that I'm on the clock. I lift the tub off the chair and turn to head back into the kitchen, but someone is in my way and I bump into his back. Broad shoulders, tall stature and dark hair in a messy toss from where he stood with his back to me. The dimness of the room and the flashing of the lights is getting to me and I just want to get this work done and check on Youichi. This job is working me to death.

As the person turns I ready my apology, but when I looked into his eyes I dropped my tub of glasses and shriek.

Everything I fear suddenly stood less than a foot in front of me making me numb to my core.

And now death doesn't sound like a bad idea.

* * *

><p><em>Cliff hangers are by far the most interesting things to end a chapter with :)<em>

_Hopefully you can contain yourself till the next chapter. _

_I would like to remind you all that there is no outline to my stories so I kind of just read what I write and go with the flow. I will start on Chapter 8 today (hopefully)_

_So until then,_

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan :)_


	8. Fight

_Hello wonderful readers,_

_Another longish update for you all. Let me know what you think with rave reviews._

_I think I will kick things up a notch etc. etc. ;)_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8: Fight<strong>

I didn't breath as we stood there staring at each other. His eyes are cold and dark, but as I look into them I notice that his eyes have a tint of red in them. My brain slowly processes what I'm seeing as I allow oxygen to flow into my lungs again. The gaze in his eyes shook me to my core, but this guy was no Persona. He is much younger and more built in frame than Persona is. His left ear is decorated with a glint of gold and his jaw line is softer due to his youthfulness. The messy mane of black hair is short and tousled in a just rolled out of bed sort of way. His black polo is pressed, folded up at the sleeves and undone at the chest. A black cross necklace hangs around his neck and he continues to gaze at me with those eyes.

My throat is dry and tight, but I force myself to swallow and open my mouth to say something, but before I could form words Sumire is at my side tugging my arm with such force I have to bite my cheek to keep myself from shrieking again.

"Natsume! You're back. Can I get you a drink baby?" she asked standing in front of me.

I stare at the floor humiliated, annoyed and a little grateful towards Sumire. I didn't hear his reply to her but she yanked me to the side as he walked past us to the bar.

"Do you want to get fired or are you just that stupid?" she hisses in my ear, piercing me with her green eyes.

As I open my mouth to reply, she cuts me off with her sharp tone, "Shut it. Clean up this mess and get back to work before Hotaru throws you out herself."

She tosses my arm away as if it suddenly became infected with some flesh eating virus. I bend down to pick up the tub and the glasses that (thankfully) were strong enough to survive the fall. I walk as strongly as I can back into the dish washing room, but my eyes are starting to sting and my hands are shaking. I put the tub down onto of one of the machines and hold my hands to my chest. It isn't just my hands, my whole body is trembling. I run my hands through my hair a few times and take a few deep breaths.

When will this stop?

This fear.

This tremble.

This urge to run and scream and hide every time something or someone catches me off guard? I don't know what to do anymore. Telling myself that Persona will never find us isn't enough. Running isn't enough. When will it be enough? How much distance do you need to put between yourself and something you fear before you don't fear it anymore? They say running away doesn't solve anything, but this isn't arachnophobia or vertigo. It's not the kind of fear you can face and be okay afterwards. We can never face him. If Persona ever did find us . . .

I feel the strongest urge to see Youichi and make sure he's safe. I abandon the tub on top of the machine and hurry out of the room and up the stairs. As I went past the bar I catch the eyes of the guy from before. The blank stare reminded me of Youichi, but there was something else there. Something I can't quite place.

I jog up the stairs—which isn't easy in these shoes—I just need to see Youichi and make sure he's safe. I push open the stairway door and practically sprain my ankle trying to get to the employee lounge where Youichi was sprawled on the couch with boredom practically etched into his forehead. He looks up at me and recognizes the look in my eyes. He pushes himself up to a sitting position and I collapse next to him trying to compose myself. He just sits there holding my hand as if trying to absorb the trembles from my body into his own. We didn't speak because of the cameras, but even if I didn't feel like Hotaru was watching my every move and listening to my breathing, I don't think there's anything to say. Youichi and I can't be comforted by words. A simple silence with a person who makes us feel just a little bit safe is enough.

I sit with Youichi for a little while until that nagging feeling that I should get back to work rears its ugly head. I give his small hand a squeeze before I left. I descended the stairs feeling a bit more composed and steady. I keep telling myself that even if Persona did show up he can't do anything in front of a crowd of people like that. He'd have to drag me kicking and screaming out of this bar and I'd fight with every cell in my body. As I reentered the bar the pulsing music hit me hard and I had to readjust. Sumire was sitting on top of the bar in front of the guy I bumped into. She's flirting shamelessly and her dress is riding up her legs, but I'm sure that's her intention.

His back is to me as I approach them, Sumire sees me, but doesn't give me a second glance until I tap the guy's shoulder. Her gaze is like fire and if I knew better I would have just walked away and disappeared into the crowd, but then again I'm not one to know better.

He turns around in his seat just enough to look at me from the corner of his eye. He's quite handsome upon closer inspection. Too handsome to look anything like Persona, but the gaze could make them brothers. He says nothing and just looks at me. His glass of murky brown liquid clasped disinterestedly in his hands. Sumire wants to kill me I'm sure, but I just lean in close enough so he can hear me shout over the music.

"I'm sorry about earlier, you just surprised me." I say.

He doesn't say anything and I'm beginning to feel like more of an idiot every second.

"Well any way, I'm just sorry and don't mind me I won't get in your way anymore."

He turns all the way around in his seat and stands. He looms over me by several inches and at first I think he's going to shove me so I brace myself with an intake of breath, but I don't break eye contact. Never back down. Sumire leaps off the bar and places herself between us, pressing her body to his in a suggestive way.

She whispers something into his ear and leads him away, making sure to throw a nasty glance over her shoulder at me, a 'back off' look that I recognize from watching teen dramas. I sigh and shrug my shoulders my weirdness didn't give anything away and Sumire just thought I was after this guy. I should count myself lucky that most high schoolers are so shallow. I retrieve my tub and proceed about my duties like a drone is flashy clothing.

I notice that Sumire lured the guy into an isolated corner—what's his name again? I rack my brain for it, but for some reason I can't think of it, but as I see Sumire settled into his lap, arms looped around his neck, and her tongue possibly down his throat, it hits me.

Natsume.

I can't help but stare as Sumire really works him over with her entire self as if she's trying to absorb him into herself. He, on the other hand, seems distant as if he was only there in body. His arms are draped over the back of the sofa, not touching Sumire at all and his eyes are open—which if you ask me is the creepiest thing to do when kissing. Not that I would know.

It's not that I haven't been able to attract guy attention in order to get kissed; it's just that any form of physical intimacy kind of freaks me out. I can't even be hugged without over-analyzing it and feeling really awkward. Youichi is the only person I can have physical contact with and not freak out and that's probably only because he's a little kid.

That Natsume guy catches my eye from across the room and I immediately look away. He couldn't have been looking at me right? It's just a coincidence. I decide to keep my eyes down for the rest of my shift. Seems like the safest place right about now.

* * *

><p>A few minutes past the end of my shift and I'm still wiping down tables and trying to avoid being groped. I hear someone shouting my name over the music. A blonde girl in a uniform matching mine pointed towards the bar where the blonde guy Ruka was standing. I swallowed a lump in my throat made my way over to him balancing my tub over the crowd.<p>

"I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to offend you or your brother. He's just a little kid after all." He says to me over the music.

I shrug my shoulders in response because I really don't know how to talk to him. In my mind he's a Hotaru lap dog who's probably wearing a wire that is directly linked to his master. I size him up with my eyes. He's attractive I'll give him that, but as far as his apology goes, he can shove it.

"My shift is over so if you'll excuse me." I say brushing past him.

He taps my shoulder and I reluctantly turn, "I know we got off to a rough start, but I really think we can be friends." He says sticking out his hand and that perfect boy smile on his face.

I look at it, and then back at him. I place the tub in it with a little more force than I mean to, but he manages to keep it upright.

"I don't need any friends, especially ones that are spies for my boss. Now if you'll excuse me." I turn on my heel and march away.

Maybe it's because I lost my dad or maybe it's because I've been living in hell for the past few years, but I can't bring myself to trust a guy. They all want something. Whether it's monetary or physical depends on the guy, but at the end of the day they are all the same. Friend? Please. Who does he think he's fooling? That pretty boy smile and those ocean blue eyes may get some girls but I'm not just a girl. I'm a runaway, a guardian, a kidnapper, a savior, and the last thing I need is another guy in my life to fail me or Youichi. Ruka can have the noblest intentions, but I'll never see him for anything more than his gender and the only thing the male gender means to me is disappointment.

* * *

><p>The day I've been longing for is finally here: Saturday. I can hardly contain myself as I sit in Hotaru's office to get my first pay check. I've been busting my hump in the restaurant all day and I'm getting a day off from the bar tonight to help my Grandparents move, when in reality I'm going to be running all over the place to find an apartment. As Hotaru punches buttons on her keyboard I'm restraining myself from screaming "Hurry up!" at the top of my lungs. Finally she does a few clicks and her printer clicks and whirrs and spits out a small piece of paper. Hotaru takes it without looking at it and scribbles her signature onto it and hands it to me. I take it with a leap in my heart and refrain from hugging it to my chest.<p>

"Thank you." I say.

"There's no need to thank me. This is your earned compensation." She replies in a manner only she can pull off.

Professional and cold.

Her stoic response doesn't surprise me and I just smile and excuse myself. Not even five minutes later I'm skipping down the street with a song in my heart and Youichi is dragging himself behind me. The poor thing is probably embarrassed, but I'm too happy to care.

"Come on Youichi, smile. I told you we aren't going to die." I say in a sing-song voice waving my check in front of his face.

He swats it away and buries his hands in his pockets, "Death is inevitable. Just because we won't die from pneumonia today, doesn't mean we won't be hit by a bus tomorrow."

"Must you be so morbid? Your big sister has earned us enough money to get our own place with hot water and maybe a bed and decent food. So you should at least shed your bitterness for a moment to appreciate me." I say taking a little bow.

He scoffs and walks right past me. I roll my eyes playfully and follow behind him. He won't show it, but I know he's happy. I read somewhere that happiness can be infectious and I'm oozing enough of it to make the whole street sick. I pull the folded newspaper I got from the gas station this morning from my pocket along with my red pen. I already circled the places within my price range and a star next to those that accept cash. I learned through the grapevine at my school that you can cash checks easily at those money transfer places and thanks to my handy dandy map I'm able to locate such a place not too far from _Imai's_. I make Youichi wait for me on the bus bench outside of the sketchy looking place as I cash my check. The guy behind the counter looks me over and I'm grateful to be wearing so many layers. If he tries to undress me with his eyes, it'll take him sometime.

He puts the check through a machine punches numbers in. A crank and a whirr later and I'm holding the cash equivalent of my check in my hands. It's not much, but enough for now. And I'm a very live in the now kind of girl. I fold up the money and tuck it into my pocket. Youichi is swinging his feet off the edge of the bench when I plop down next to him.

"Okay so the check is cashed and the money is tangible so now I just need to narrow down the top choices and we can be in our new place before the day is out."

Youichi doesn't respond which is to be expected so I go through the list. A burger sounds good right about now, but I don't want to risk falling short over a slab of meat. I really want a two bedroom, but they're bordering on the pricey side and I need something with utilities included, more evidence for the 'beggars can't be choosers' theory. I cross out all the two bedroom listings and start looking at one bedroom with utilities. My first choice is a one bedroom with utilities included that's a bus ride away from Imai's- no more than two stops. 'Contact Tsubasa' it read at the bottom and is followed with a phone number, but I can't see a payphone anywhere.

"Well I guess we're waiting for a bus You-chan." I say looking at the bus route map on the reverse side of my newspaper.

The local buses are a lot nicer than I thought they would be. When our bus finally arrived the interior is navy blue with cushioned seats and there are only a few people riding. Each sectioned off in their own little world. I get us seats in the back after scraping my pockets for fare. A short twenty minute ride and a short walk and I find myself staring up at a five story apartment complex. It's old fashioned and a little run down, but somehow that made me more hopeful that I could get the apartment. I hold Youichi's hand and give it a confident squeeze and try to open the door.

It's locked.

Beside the door is a list of apartment numbers and a key pad. Below that is a button for the front desk. I push it and it makes that annoying buzz noise like in prison movies. The intercom connected to it made a dull noise and I can hear a little girl screaming in an annoyed whine in the background.

"Yeah?" a deep voice said after a moment.

"Um I'm here about the one bedroom vacancy." I say into the intercom.

The door gives a buzz noise of its own and I yank it open. It's a little hefty for security I suppose. The lobby is loud with the whining red headed girl pulling her mother's pants leg and complaining. The blue haired man behind the desk looked annoyed and the woman looked aggravated and sweaty.

"Look I can get you first _and _last. Just give me the apartment and I can get out of your face." She bargained.

The blue haired man behind the desk ran a hand through his messy mane and ousted his cigarette in a silver ashtray.

"You need to stop coming by here. I need first and the deposit up front. No exceptions. You and your loud mouth kid need to get out before I call the cops." He explained and then pulled the corded phone in front of him.

"What's it gonna be?" He asks raising an eyebrow.

The woman snatched her daughter's hand and pushed passed Youichi and I. She smelled like body odor and the little girl kept whining all the way out the door. Guess everyone has problems.

"You here about the apartment?" the guy calls to me lighting another cigarette.

"Um, yes." I respond stepping up to the desk.

"Well you heard the terms I suppose: first and deposit up front."

"And how much is that exactly?" I ask feeling the wad of money in my pocket.

"65,000 yen for first and the security deposit. Then there's fee for your key."

"65,000?" my heart sinks into my foot, "I wasn't expecting it to be so much."

"You're not from around here are you?" He asked with a smile on his face as if seeing me for the first time.

"Does it show?" I say sighing.

Youichi starts tugging at my coat. He knows we can't afford it and doesn't like the way this guy- who I assume is the landlord- is looking at me.

"A bit," he says with a grin.

"Well 65,000 is too rich for my blood." I sigh taking Youichi's hand.

"I think we can work something out." He says leaning his elbows on the table.

"Sorry I'm not that kind of girl." I say backing away from the desk.

He looks shocked and then embarrassed, "Hey, hey, not like that. I'm engaged. I just mean I'd rather sell it to you than that crazy lady who keeps coming by here because she knows the place is empty. We have some pretty strict policies because when this place got bought over by a big company they said our business plan was 'atrocious'. From then on we had to start charging for everything: first month's, security deposit, a key fee. Ridiculous."

"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Well back in the day, an old lady use to run this place. It was beat up and falling apart. She collected the rent herself, despite her bad knees and a lot of the time people didn't pay or just disappeared completely. She died and this place went up for auction. I'm surprised they didn't tear it down. We've had a lot of renovations since then and people move in and out, but for the most part everyone's been here since the renovations got done. My fiancée and I live on the first floor just down that hall. There's no elevator and the laundry room is in the basement, but the apartments are nice. Small, but nice."

"Trust me, it sounds like paradise, but I can't afford it." I say with a shrug.

"How much do you have?" He asks straightening up.

I pull the wad of cash out my pocket with my free hand, "About half that, but I have a job—two actually—and I know you have no reason to trust me, but I can give you all of this and more the next time I get paid. I've only been working four days, this is all I have."

He runs a hand through his hair, "Geez kid you sure know how to play it." He still had a small smile on his face though.

"Don't you have family or something? I don't like to make assumptions, but is it just the two of you?"

I don't want to lie, but sometimes the truth is complicated. I can't tell him just like I can't tell Anna or Nobara or Hotaru or anyone. I know how complicated lies can get, but I'm already too deep. Telling lies is wrong, but if Persona ever did find us I want as little people involved as possible.

"Only my grandparents and they're not the greatest pair. They live too far from my job and don't understand that I need to pay my way through school. They're farm people. They don't understand how important college is to me. They can barely support themselves let alone us."

"What about your parents?" He asks.

"Please. It's just us." I say remorsefully, "Dysfunctional family isn't even the half of it."

"There you go again." He said chuckling.

He rubbed the back of his head profusely and seemed to debate with himself as he looks at us from the corner of his eye. He sighs with frustration and rubs his face. He pulls open a drawer and picks up a single key and puts it on the counter.

"What the hell. Better you than some wack-a-doo." He says smiling.

"Are you serious?" I practically yell.

I put my wad of money on the counter and push it toward him excitedly. I'm back to being broke, but at least we're not homeless.

Baby steps.

"Whoa, whoa, maybe you should see the apartment before you throw your life savings at me." He chuckled a bit and came out from behind the desk and led me up the stairs after I shoved my money wad back into my coat pocket. The stairs are very solid and made of wood. The wooden flooring went down the halls and up every flight of stairs. He takes us up to the third floor. The hallway is short and there are only three apartment doors.

The guy pulls out a set of keys and fumbles through them as we walk down the narrow hallway. I can hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner in one of the apartments we pass by. He stops at apartment 3B and takes a minute to unlock both locks on the dark wooden door.

The foyer is small and instead of tatami mats, there's solid wood flooring, but there's still a space for shoes by front door and a step up into the apartment itself. It's a very open space despite not being too big.

"It's not much and it's filthy, but considering the circumstances-"

"It's perfect." I say quickly walking into the kitchen area.

The kitchen and the living room occupy one space separated by a counter with a built in old fashioned sink. The countertops are tile and covered with a film of dust and grime. There's a gas stove in the corner across from where the refrigerator would go. He shows us the bathroom which I'll spare the gruesome details of the level of filth. The bedroom has a window that needs to be washed, but it's big and has a view over the adjacent buildings and the street.

"It's kind of a dump I'm not going to lie, but I'll tell you what. I'll let you stay here free of charge for now, but you are on your own with the cleaning. I can't turn on your lights without payment and a signed contract, but the gas is always on and so is the water."

"I couldn't possibly-", I begin before my brain could stop me.

"It's either here or some dinky motel thirty minutes away. Come on kid, it's not going to get any better than this."

"Mikan." I correct him.

"Huh?"

"My name is Mikan and I'm not a kid." I clarify.

"Well Mikan you left home with no money and no plan. I'm doing you a huge favor going on blind faith here, so to me, you are a kid. You can call me Tsubasa."

We shake hands and he still has a small smile on his face. I thought the mark under his eye was a birthmark or a mole, but upon closer inspection it's a tiny star tattoo. He reminds me of a gang leader I saw in a drama once. In the story the gang leader falls in love with a college student after he saves her from an opposing gang. She changes him for the better and he makes up with his dad and takes over the company and they get married in Paris. Blah, blah, blah. Things always seem to end perfectly in dramas, but real life is hardly perfect if my life is any testament.

"Like I said the place is a dump and you won't have any lights or furniture, but it's better than getting killed out in the streets. I don't think I'll be able to sleep at night if I saw your face on the news."

I swallow thickly and push the thought out of my head, "I'm eternally grateful and in two weeks you can have everything I owe you plus interest."

"I will hold you to that Mikan-chan." He says with a huge grin.

My brain tells me to shut up, but I can't help but ask, "Why are you doing this? I mean I'm really, _really_, grateful, but you don't know me or owe me anything. I'm not the kind person to accept this kind of help without asking why. Everybody wants something right?"

He sighs and rubs the back of his head, "I don't know. Maybe I've seen one too many kids wonder in and out of this town with no one but themselves to rely on. Hell, I was one of those kids. Who am I to throw you on the streets when there's an empty apartment just sitting here. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe you'll ditch me after a week and go tell your sob story to some other poor sucker who has a weak spot for girls in trouble, but right now my conscience is clear. Maybe that's a selfish reason, but at least you're not freezing somewhere especially with a kid depending on you."

He puts the key in my hand and gives it a squeeze before leaving. I listen to his footsteps disappear down the hall before I burst on into a squeal. I scoop Youichi up into my arms—much to his disdain—and dance with him in celebration. He wriggles free and drops his bags on the floor.

"Youichi this is so exciting! No more dusty old apartment." I squeal walking around the kitchen.

"Yeah, now we get a dusty new apartment." He comments making patterns in the floor with his foot.

"Must you always be such a downer?" I whine.

I drop my bag on the floor which kicks up some dust. Letting us keep the little money I made these past four days is a blessing because now I can buy cleaning supplies and food (that doesn't need to be refrigerated) and maybe have that hamburger I've been craving. I tell Youichi to strip some of his layers so we'll better be able to carry our groceries. We can't put anything away until the apartment is scrubbed to hell and back so we stack our clothes on top of our bags in a corner and leave the apartment. There's something satisfying about turning the key in the lock of my new apartment. Despite the odds, I've managed to get two jobs and a new apartment.

I'm still reluctant to accept charity from some guy I barely know. Especially since he is in fact a guy, but in a weird way he reminds me of my dad. That goofy grin and the way he rubs the back of his head. I read a psychology book that said children often seek partners with traits similar to the parent of the opposite sex. Girls look for their father and guys look for their mother. I thought it was creepy at the time, but I think I kind of understand now. Your mother and father are supposed to be the people you idolize the most, so it's only natural that you would seek comfort and partnership in someone who shares their traits.

I dwell on this on the way out. Tsubasa tells us the code we need to punch in to get into the apartment building. I thank him again and he gives us direction to the closest convenience store that sells everything we'll need for a decent price.

I practically want to skip around the entire journey down the two blocks even more so when we stop to get dinner at a small diner across from the store Tsubasa directed us to. I ordered a burger and fries with a milkshake and Youichi wanted the same. There were only crumbs left and we spilt a second milkshake before paying and going off to do our shopping. There are no push carts in this store, just hand baskets so I grab two of them and we set off to work down the aisles. The old man behind the counter greeted us friendly and a stock boy swept one of the aisles not glancing up even once.

Despite my urge to zoom down the aisles scooping everything into my basket, I know that I have to be smart about what we buy the first step is to get cleaning supplies. Starting with gloves and ending with scrub brushes with disinfectant and air freshener in between. The white tile floors gleamed under our feet as we moved on to canned goods, snacks, and ramen. I pondered in the back of my mind how we would carry all this for two blocks, but my excitement got the better of me. The old man behind the counter rang us up making small talk about how much we were buying. I made up a lie, not being able to help myself, and told him that I just moved in with my grandparents and they didn't have anything in the house because they can't really get around. He commended me on my hard work and even gave me a little discount. He told his stock boy to help us with our bags when I told him we didn't live far. The stock boy rolled his eyes, but the old man was answering the phone and didn't see him.

I apologized on the way back to the apartment, but he didn't bother respond. He is a pimply, scrawny little thing, but I guess being a stock boy helps give you some muscle as he had no problem holding most of our bags. When I got the apartment building door open I let him go and he seemed more than glad to disappear. It was already dark out and I can't wait to clean and get some sleep. Tsubasa—whose kindness seems to know no bounds—helps us take the rest of our bags up to the apartment and offers to lend us a futon to sleep on.

"You ask a lot of me even though I'm letting you live here rent free." He mocks.

"You offered so you're stuck with us free loaders until I can pay you and get you out of my hair." I joke back.

"Whatever you say kid." He chuckles.

"Stop calling me kid." I say, but he just raises his hand in a sort of wave and disappears out the door.

"Well You-chan, we've got our work cut out for us." I say unpacking some of the cleaning supplies.

"We?" he responds flopping down on the pile of clothes.

I roll my eyes in a playful way and decide to tackle the bathroom first. If it's one thing running away has taught me is that working hard becomes more important than ever. If people can see that you're a hard worker they might just give you a chance to be something in this world. Tsubasa and that old man at the convenience store have taught me that there are some good people still left in this world and if I would let anyone be something of a 'friend' to me it would more than likely be Tsubasa. He seems to know a thing or two about struggling and unfortunate circumstances. After all he looks a little young to be a landlord and an engaged one at that. So if worst ever came to worst at least someone in this town would understand.

* * *

><p>I can't feel my hands. We've cleaned beyond the point of pain and numbness. At this point, my hands can be cut off and I wouldn't feel a thing. On the upside we're finally done cleaning. Youichi started helping me after I finished tackling the bathroom. I covered every surface in bleach and scrub powder and let it soak while I wiped and disinfected the kitchen. Youichi swept the floors with a traditional broom I picked up at the convenience store since it was only a few yen. He looked so cute collecting the dust and dumping it out the window where it flew off into the chilly night. It was imperative that we cleaned with the window in the bedroom and bathroom open. The scent of cleaner was strong enough to make your head spin.<p>

I scrubbed every surface, the tub, the shower, the sink, and then had to rinse and wipe everything down. My jeans and t-shirt are ruined thanks to the bleach, but it was worth it. We had fun mopping the floor turning it into a race. Dipping the rags into buckets we filled with water and a lemon scented floor cleaner and running up on and down the floors in each room. Youichi wouldn't admit to having fun, but he did try to out mop me and I let him a few times. I caught a glimpse of a smile, but he removed it almost as quick as it let itself appear.

We're lying on the empty living room floor completely exhausted. Hands numb, legs sore and clothes ruined, but all worth it to have a clean lemon scented apartment.

"I thought we'd never finish, but this place is finally livable. And the only thing that would make this moment better is a hot bath. What do you say?"

He said nothing as usual but allowed himself to be escorted into the bathroom. Youichi and I have taken baths together before because of beatings that made it hard for him to move. I usually fill the tub and let him soak in the water while I sat on the edge of the tub listening for any sign of Persona.

I help him out of his clothes and let him go into the shower himself while I fill the tub with warm water and bath herbs and salts I brought from home. I didn't realize I brought them until I got a chance to actually unpack my duffel bag. It makes the water green and is supposed to soothe the body and wash away ailments. I got it at a flower shop after I read that certain herbs can help make swelling and bruising go away. Comes in handy especially since I had P.E. at that time and I was running low on sick notes.

The tub is finally full and the water is green in color because of the bath salts. I peel off my clothes and wrap a thin towel around my frame and help Youichi wash his hair and plop him into the tub while I brace myself for my first hot shower since coming to Nagoya.

If heaven can manifest itself into a shower, I have just stepped into it. The water is warm and soothing and my body is screaming from joy. I start humming a peppy tune as I wash my hair. I'm imaging myself in a shampoo commercial. One of those where the girl is washing her hair in the middle of a tropical forest under a waterfall. How do people come up with that stuff? I guess I'll never know especially with my given circumstances. I'm taking so long in the shower that Youichi already left the bathroom when I went into the tub. Thankfully the water is still warm.

I marvel at how well I cleaned the bathroom. It's not much bigger than my old closet, but it has both a standing shower and a bath that were covered in mold and hard water stains, but a strong dousing with bleach and a scrubbing powder let that sit for a half hour while we tackled the kitchen and then come back and scrub every inch until the grout is white again. I actually had to let it soak in bleach twice. The fumes were so strong I didn't let Youichi anywhere near until I re-scrubbed, rinsed, and mopped the floor. There's still a tang of bleach in the air, but it's actually a pleasant smell combined with the strong scent of bath oil and salts.

I sink down in the tub till the surface is right below my eyes. The steam combined with the warm water is making my skin sing. I heard some girls in my class talk about going to spa's to get their faces steamed and to get facials. Why would I ever need to pay someone for that when I have hot water and a bathroom with a door that closes? I can make my own sauna any day and I don't have to spend a dime. I never really cared for those kinds of things anyway. I hold my breath and completely submerge myself under the water.

For a small moment I pretend like I'm not Mikan Sakura. Like I don't have to be at work in a few hours and I don't have a six year old boy depending on me. Like I can wake up tomorrow and go to school and have a conversation with someone and actually care about what they're telling me. Like I have a family that loves me more than a needle in their arm or alcohol in their bottle. I imagine being in a place that I can find who I am and what I really like to do. I think about what it would be like to not be afraid when a stranger raises their hand or to see Youichi smile and play with other kids.

I come up and take a big gulp of air. Pretending is just like holding your breath it would seem. It's easier at first, but the longer you go, the more the need to breathe imposes on you just like reality and you have to come up for air. I wrap my arms around my legs and just sit, trying not to think about anything for a moment, not the need for money or stability. Just sit here and force myself to think about something related to my dire situation. For some reason Tsubasa's grin pops into my head and the weird way he rubs the back of his head and can smoke a whole cigarette without touching it.

I smile and wonder if this is what a crush is like. I know he's older and engaged and pitying me and my miserable plight, but a girl can wonder. I've seen how girls with crushes act in my school and on television. It usually starts with an innocent crush that slowly manifest into a full blown obsession. Writing their names all over notebooks and stalking them everywhere they go. I don't know what's so great about the male gender that girls lose all brain function, but part of me hopes to never find out.

After another minute or so of pointless bathtub soaking, I finally remove myself from the bath. When I'm securely wrapped in my towel I find Youichi in the bedroom laying on the futon under a blanket that Tsubasa must've thrown in. He was out cold breathing softly into Mr. Bear's stomach. I can't help but watch him for a moment. No worry lines in his forehead, no blank stare or scowl etched into his features. Just Youichi, a six year old boy fast asleep in futon in a room where he doesn't have to worry about some drunk bastard stumbling in and taking a swing at him. He can just sleep, really sleep.

I get dressed in my t-shirt and sweatpants and towel dry my hair. I put the rest of the groceries away, making sure that nothing is in size order or alphabetical. No more OCD house, everything can just go where it fits and I don't give a damn if it's organized or not. I may not have a fridge or pots or furniture, but I can put my canned goods where I want and how I want.

I guess I should count myself lucky. I manage to escape the grasp of the person I hate the most, gain the trust of a little boy who has no hope for anything in this world. For some reason I find myself thinking of the Natsume guy and Sumire and everything I knew about him from Hotaru's comments. He's violent, disinterested in everything, promiscuous, and shrouded in mystery. If there is ever a time for a red flag to shoot up, it's now. I consider quit working at the bar, but it's only a matter of time before I completely turn my sensor off to him. Only one person can strike fear into me and I have no intention of letting that number rise for any reason.

Letting fear spread can be the downfall of everything and I rather die than let something like fear ruin me.

I can have a real life here. I go to the open bedroom window and breathe in the cold night air. The apartment is no longer stuffy so I can shut the window. It closes with a clack and I make sure to lock it before I tuck myself beside Youichi's small frame. I trace my finger lightly over the curve of his cheek. He gives off a soft sigh and the corner of his mouth twitch.

I wonder what he dreams about if he dreams at all. Sometimes it's more comforting not to dream. Your brain doesn't torture you with thoughts of a better life. So that when you open your eyes you don't have to be disappointed and not want to get out of bed. The only reason I ever got out of better was because I had to show some gratitude to be able to see another day. Whoever was looking down on my pathetic life wasn't going to get a laugh at seeing me defeated.

I close my eyes and succumb to the darkness beneath my eyelids.

I may be a lot of things, but the one thing I will never be is beaten. And the only way to maintain that is to keep swinging and never give up.

* * *

><p><em>I want to move things along and get to the really good stuff, but I have to pace myself with this one. I'm glad you all are enjoying regardless getting attached to the characters while I build up the story and have fun typing it.<em>

_Anywhoooo drop me a review okay?_

_Lots of Love _

_Chi-cahn_


	9. Risk

_Hey everyone,_

_I apologize for the late late update, but college is such a pain. Maybe if some nice rich person _can drop a million dollars into my bank account I can just spend the days writing fanfiction and working on my novel ideas.

le sigh

RxExR

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: Risk<strong>

It's been three days since we've moved in to our power-free apartment. I've bought candles so we don't have to eat in complete darkness. I can't get our power turned on until I can give Tsubasa the rent and deposit I still owe him. I thought about asking Hotaru for an advance, but I figure I look suspicious enough with my shifty answers about my family and the fact my little brother is surgically attached to my hip. My body has adjusted to running on five to six hours of sleep which is due in part to the fact that I started drinking coffee.

Kokoro, the guy at the gas station, was happy to see us in less bulky wear and without our bags. He was grinning from ear to ear when we walked in looking like regular customers. He looked eager to ask me about it, but he remembered our agreement and shut his mouth as quickly as he opened it and just continued to smile. I got myself a coffee from the machine while Youichi wandered the aisles of the store looking at nothing in particular. The invisible leash he made for himself that keeps him cemented to my side when I'm not working is slowly letting itself uncoil.

I feel a twinge of pride every time I notice little improvements in Youichi's behavior. When Anna gives him a piece of cake on my lunch break, he doesn't hesitate to dig right into it. He still doesn't speak to her, but her face lights up when he snatches up his fork and dives right into her sweets. She just sits there staring at him as he eats with this big stupid grin on her face like he's some super important food critic or something.

I spend a couple coins on coffee every few hours. Anna gave me this weird look when I first started, stating all these facts about coffee and oral hygiene. I tuned her out after the first hour, but Anna's like an infection. If not properly taken care of, she'll just keep coming back.

"Look Anna, I understand that you're concerned, but I have two jobs and a kid brother tailing after me. I _need_ coffee." I explained to her before taking a big gulp of hot deliciousness.

"But Miiiiiikan there are so many healthy alternatives." She began.

"But none that is quick, easy and only cost a couple yen." I cut her off.

She pouted through the rest of our shift, but eventually got over it in her typical Anna way. She bounced around the room in her curly pink pigtails smiling every which way. I put the plate that I was serving down in front of the female customer. I was covering three of Misaki's tables on my own. She told me that I was a fast learner, but she didn't want to overwhelm me just yet. Nobara wounded my hair into a high bun. She has appointed herself my own personal hair stylist and claims that she has found her calling. Before I know it she'll be bringing scissors and a straightener with her to the break room.

My encounter with Natsume and the territorial Sumire hadn't crossed my mind until I saw him plopped on the couch next to Youichi. I didn't freak out like before because he was sitting down perfectly harmless in front of the television on the opposite end from Youichi. I swallowed deeply and took a step into the room, but I didn't get far before Ruka popped up behind me.

"Oh Mikan-chan Hello." He greeted me with a smile.

I still do not like this guy.

"Chan? Aren't you getting a little too familiar? You don't even know me."

Instead of getting insulted, like I wish he would, he just smiles some more and apologizes, "I guess you're right. What would you like to be called?" he asks with wide blue eyes.

Is he kidding me? I've honed my radiation of "I hate you, go away" vibes for years under Persona, but this guy just can't take a hint. He's just so. . . _nice_. It's nauseating. It would be nice if I wasn't so convinced that he's wearing a wire or something.

I really wish this Ruka guy would buzz off. Bad enough I'm mooching off of Tsubasa's sympathy for the next week and a half. I completely ignore his question and walk over to Youichi forgetting Natsume was less than three feet away.

I crouch down next to him, "You-chan, I'm done with my shift. What do you want for dinner?"

He continues to stare blankly at the television. He sighs after a moment and I just pet his head. I'm thinking that means noodles. He's really gotten to like Ramen and the only reason why I know is because on our second trip to the grocery store he put a bunch of them in my basket without a word.

"Shouldn't he be in school or something?" a voice asked.

It took me a moment to register that Natsume had actually spoken to me. He seemed more like a mute if anything. I just blinked at him for minute waiting to actually see his lips move. He just continued to stare at the television.

"I think Hotaru said something about home schooling." Ruka interjected.

"How can he be homeschooled when he's always here?" Natsume said.

"Well nice to see you all have had a fascinating time deconstructing my life. Come on Youichi." I say taking his hand and easing him off the couch.

"Sakura-san it's nothing like that." Ruka said quickly.

"Deconstruct? Don't be stupid." Natsume scoffed.

"Well you seem to know enough. And all this time I thought you were just here to have your mouth readjusted by Sumire's tongue." I retort.

"You couldn't stop staring. Probably wish it was your tongue." He said not missing a beat.

My cheeks got hot, which is a sensation I'm not familiar with and I couldn't say anything other than, "Yeah right!"

I stormed passed Ruka who looked embarrassed and surprised all at once. I don't have time to decipher his facial expressions as I storm out of _Imai's_. An unpleasant encounter in my mind, but at the same time I'm furious that my body has betrayed me with red cheeks and a twisted tongue that only let me utter a retort that Youichi could have bested.

He's definitely a jerk who is full of himself, but his comment about Youichi bothered me more than the disgusting mental image of us kissing. Youichi _should_ be in school and I have no idea on how to get him there. I can tell lies with ease, but I can't forge paperwork to get him into school. I'm not a criminal.

"Sakura-saaaaaaaaan!" a voice yelled out behind me.

I only turned half way before rolling my eyes as Ruka bounded towards us. I try to get a lid on my annoyance, but this kid is seriously getting under my skin. He stopped about two feet from us and caught his breath before flashing his grin.

"Great, you didn't get too far. Hotaru wants to talk to you." He says.

I'm so dead-on with my lapdog theory.

I march past him with Youichi tow and reluctantly began the short walk back to Imai's. Youichi goes back to sitting in front of the television where Natsume is still perched, much to my disdain, but I have no time to dwell on it or perform an exorcism to ward off his evil. I tap lightly on Hotaru's door and wait for the signal to enter.

My suede work boots click on the floor as I enter and the door closes with a clack. Instead of tapping away at her keyboard in her perfectly pressed suit, she is standing at her bookshelf with an open file and is wearing a school uniform: a red plaid skirt against her pale thighs, a black button down and a red blazer with a school crest on the breast. Her hair and expression are the same as always, but in a school uniform she didn't seem as intimidating or as old.

"Sit." She said in her usual way.

I straightened my skirt and sank into one of the two chairs facing her desk. It was silent for a moment as she continued reading. I looked around her office and it reminded me of the staleness of Persona's OCD, but it was warmer. I know warm seems like the wrong adjective to associate with Hotaru, but she had a vase of wild flowers on the corner of her desk and a picture frame facing away from me so I couldn't see the photo. There are lots of little things I never notice before due to the fact I always want to hightail it out of here.

She closed the file and tossed it on the desk and sighed. I'm beginning to feel a bit nervous. She didn't seem her usual stale self. She seemed to be –dare I say it –uncomfortable. Not constipated, awkward, tense or even noticeably uncomfortable, but just a subtle hint of it. Being around Youichi and observing him wordlessly has made me sensitive to the silent type or maybe I'm just over thinking it. I haven't been around her long enough to know anything about her really.

"You're a liar." She said suddenly.

My heart sank like a stone, "Excuse me?"

"Are you deaf too? What else have you been keeping a secret?" she said sitting in her chair.

I struggle to find words, but she opened the file she had and started to read.

"No permanent residence, no alleged grandparent guardianship, and no record in the home-schooling database. Shall I continue or do you want to weave me another story?"

I take a deep breath and look her straight in the eyes as I speak, "I'm not going to weave you a story Ms. Imai. I'm not going to paint you a picture of what the last week of my life has actually consisted of. I'm not going to sit here and look you straight in the eye and lie to your face because I'm not that kind of person. I'll weave a story every now and again to avoid awkward situations, but since you're confronting me like this I have no choice. On the other hand I'm not going to sit here and tell you the fascinating page turner that is my life story. If you want to fire me for lying, then go ahead because I'm not sorry and I would do it again in a heartbeat."

She narrowed her eyes at me, "If it's one thing I believe in without a doubt, it's that money can do anything and I have a lot of it Ms. Sakura. If that even is your real name. With the money that I have I don't need you to tell me your life story. I can hire the best detectives in the world and have them in Japan in a few hours. They would pick you apart and find everything from where you came from to the type of shampoo you use in your hair. Do not test me."

"I'm not testing you and if you want to dig up my past go ahead, but you should spare yourself the disappointment. I'm not running away from the mob-"

"What are you running away from?" she jumped in.

"Nothing," I say too quickly and she actually raises an eyebrow at me, "I'll be gone before you have a chance to find out and what would be the point then?"

"One phone call. One phone call and you won't be able to get a job anywhere. A legal one anyway." She threatened.

"Then you're sentencing me to a life of crime and a little boy to a life without the only person he knows."

"Did you kidnap him? Are you a criminal already?" She asked.

I didn't answer. How can I? I don't know if Persona has the whole S.W.A.T. team looking for us. I don't know if the cops are going to show up at my door with handcuffs. I don't know anything. I'm taking everything one day at a time and if something does happen, I'll deal with it. What other choice do I have? Hotaru looked frustrated which is the most expression I've ever seen her show. My guilt over this whole thing is mounting because I could cause more trouble than I'm willing to admit, but I don't have options. I never did.

"Look, I'm sorry if I'm putting your business in jeopardy and like I said I'll leave if that's what you want, but that's all you'll get from me."

"I can call the police. My father is good friends with the District Attorney as well."

"Call whoever you want, but I won't be sticking around." I reply.

"You-"

But I cut her off, "Do you have dreams Hotaru? I envy you. You probably have doting parents and you have a booming business with lots of money and security. You can be anything you want to be. You're smart and beautiful, probably first in your class as well. You can put all the top colleges in Japan in a hat and just pick one, but what for? You already have a lucrative career, but do you have a dream? A crazy one, like to be a world famous pastry chef or discover the cure for cancer? Maybe your dream is to jet-set around the world and enjoy exquisite gourmet meals. I don't have a dream because even when I'm sleeping I am awake. I'm not telling you my life story not because I don't want to or because I'm embarrassed, but because in the scope of your reality I don't even exist. I am a bug on the windshield of your life. A small, insignificant being not worth anything to anyone. I don't want your pity or your judgment. All I want is to be left alone."

She just looked at me for a moment as if she was having a hard time processing what I've said. We sat there in silence just looking at one another. I remember crawling into my parents' bed on early Sunday mornings. I would lie between them and stare at the ceiling until they woke up. I would make up stories in my head as I lay there about dragons and princesses and other ridiculous things until I fell asleep only to be woken up by my dad singing the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' song and tickling my stomach, such a weird time to remember something like that, but I can't help it. I think there's a safety zone in my head I go to when bad things are happening. If I was happy once, I will be again.

That's what I want to believe.

She spun her chair so that she was no longer facing me. I stood up to leave, but I felt there was more I had to say.

"I'm sorry I lied to you, but like I said before I would do it again. I only have one person I owe anything to and he's sitting in the lounge waiting for me. My promise to him means more to me than the type of person you think I am."

I walked to the door and twisted the knob, but made another attempt, "There are lots of things you don't know about me Hotaru. Even if you hired Sherlock Holmes and Watson, you won't know everything about me. You can learn about where I come from and my family and my school, but you will never know me. I'm not a file in your precious cabinet or a link on your computer screen. Maybe, if you actually talked to people, instead of at them you will know more about people than what a folder can tell you. And maybe someone can get to know you too, the real you."

I pulled the door open and took a step out when Hotaru finally spoke, "I need you to work tonight. Six o'clock don't be late or I'm docking you."

I smile to myself and close the door, "Yes boss-lady." I say to myself.

I arrived for my shift a half an hour early after taking Youichi out to a Ramen shop that has the most amazing noodles. Youichi went through two bowls like it was nothing at all and he even belched afterwards. The old man in charge of the shop even gave him a coupon for the next time we came. I asked Youichi on the way back if he would want to come back the next day, he just stuffed his coupon in his pocket and grabbed my hand. I couldn't help but smile and give his hand a little squeeze as we went.

When I went into the employee bathroom to change into my uniform Youichi was alone on the couch watching the television. When I came out fully dressed trying to make my hair behave, Natsume Hyuuga was sitting next to him again showing him a book. Terrified it might be porn or something I practically sprinted over to Youichi and snatched it from his hands.

"What are you doing?" I ask trying not to raise my voice.

"Oi baka what are you doing?" He said raising an elegant eyebrow at me.

"That was my line." I say glancing down at the book.

It was just a manga. The first volume of 'Full Metal Alchemist' and several other similar graphic novels stacked on the couch between them.

"All he does is sit here and watch television every day." Natsume said turning to the television.

"And comic books are a good alternative." I mock.

"At least it's something different to do." He shrugged.

I felt a tad bit guilty upon realizing that he was right. I reluctantly handed the book back to Youichi and Natsume had the nerve to smirk at me. I kissed the top of Youichi's head, ruffled his hair a bit and went to work, throwing a glare over my shoulder at Natsume as I went.

An hour into my shift Natsume came in through the 'employee only' door and sat at the bar to get a drink. Sumire was delighted and sat on top of the bar in front of him. I shake my head in disgust and go about my business being extra careful not to stare at them.

"Oi little girl," He called out to me as I was heading to the dishwashing room. He was shaking his empty glass in my direction and Sumire was staring daggers at me.

I rolled my eyes. Is this guy serious? Do I have a servant girl sign plastered on my forehead? I wanted to turn on my heel and go on ignoring him, but that stupid smirk on his face made my blood boil. I marched over to him completely ignoring Sumire.

I took the glass from him and placed it in my bucket.

"You can just leave the glass on the bar and I'm not a little girl." I told him.

"Well you responded and came over, so clearly you are a little girl." He responded.

"I only responded so I can come over here and say my peace." I said.

"So you just wanted a reason to come over?" He said.

"No!" I replied too quickly.

He chuckled at my flustered expression which just made my cheeks burn even more.

"Don't you have a table to wipe?" Sumire interjected.

"Don't you have legs to close?" I said instinctively. The girl serving drinks behind the bar laughed and Sumire shot her a look and I used the distraction to slip away. I have no idea where that snappy retort came from, but I'll more than likely be paying for it later.

Working at Imai's is like working in some parallel universe where there are no adults. Since Hotaru runs the place the legal drinking age is not enforced, but Hotaru does employ a certain level of class and precautions. If you look around it's hard to distinguish the high school seniors from the people in their mid-twenties. The older guys in suits were easy to distinguish because they always seem to be the rowdiest.

All the women high school or not seemed to be covered in make-up and wearing glamorous clothes I've only seen in magazines. Their hair swayed with their every word and they sipped their drinks through straws and giggled when they made eye contact with a good looking guy. You can see the occasional drunk couple making out in dark corners and the mating rituals called dancing near the D.J. booth. I prefer the rock genre myself, but I can understand the appeal of a dim lit place and losing yourself in the music.

I snap myself out of my random thoughts and clean off a table that is covered in lime wedges and overturned glasses. When I get into the dishwashing room Sumire is leaning against one of the machines. The look on her face tells me two things: I need to stay out of arm's length and there will probably be yelling. I open the adjacent machine and start loading it up. Sumire closes the room door and leans against the wall with arms folded.

"I don't know what your game is, but listen here Natsume isn't interested in you-"

"Thank God." I say rolling my eyes.

"You don't know anything about him, the real him. So stay away."

I turned to look at her but the expression on her face wasn't a sneer or a dirty, mean girl 'stay away from my man' kind of look, it's a cross between warning and a hint of fear in her eyes. I clear my throat and try reanalyzing the look on her face.

"It's a little hard to intimidate me when you're shoving your tongue down his throat ninety nine point nine percent of the time."

I closed the machine and pressed the start button. I pick up my bucket and start to leave, but she pushed me back. Not hard enough to start a cat fight but enough to make me take a step back.

"Do you wonder why an eighteen year old guy can just walk into a bar and drink whatever he wants? Why everyone seems to hold their breath when he walks by? He's a Hyuuga and you have no idea what that means around here."

"Sumire I really don't care. I have no intention of getting involved with Natsume Hyuuga. Quite frankly I can't stand the guy so get over-"

I stopped talking immediately as my eyes landed on something that made my stomach churn. My mother's diamond necklace from Persona hung around Sumire's pale, dainty neck. I feel like I'm going to puke. What the hell is Sumire doing with that necklace? It's too similar to be coincidence. She gives me a weird look and says something, but I don't hear her over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. I babble some incoherent sentence about having to get back to work and rush past her.

I pawned off my mother's necklace for food, so why would her necklace show up around Sumire's neck? I suppose it could be coincidental, but what are the odds? Pretty small either way you look at it. I'm just a little sensitive right now I think. I just need to lose myself in my work before I start getting worked up about jewelry and uncanny coincidences.

"Oi little girl." A familiar voice calls out.

I forget all about the necklace and roll my eyes. Sitting on a couch in the corner of the bar is none other than Natsume Hyuuga—again.

I decide ignoring him is the best way out of the entire ordeal that is bound to ensue if I engage in conversation with him. How did I even hear him over the thumping base is beyond me. He wasn't far, but there is quite a distance between us, which means he would have had to be yelling for me to hear him. Looking at him, he didn't seem like the type to raise his voice. A dark look and a hollow whisper would be enough to silence any room.

The simple fact that he kept conversing with me is beginning to draw attention. The girl who heard me insult Sumire at the bar already spread it to everyone else working in the bar which spread upstairs to the restaurant. Sumire is still glowering at me from her resumed perch on the bar. I don't know what she's so sour about tons of guys are hitting on her and buying her drinks so what if Nats-

"Are you deaf now too?" a voice said right by my ear.

I nearly leap out of my skin, but upon realizing that it was just Natsume I felt my cheeks grow warm with frustration—again.

"What are you? My babysitter? Go away. I'm already in enough trouble because of you." I say.

"Because of me?" He scoffed shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Yes. Sumire is all pissy for no reason." I hiss picking up cups from an empty table.

"It might have something to do with the fact that you called her a slut." He mocked.

"Well. . . That's. . . God you're annoying." I said furiously cleaning a tabletop.

He made a sound that was caught between a scoff and a laugh and walked off. I was glad that he was gone and pondered why the hell he was even there in the first place. I unconsciously watched him exit the club just to make sure he actually left and wouldn't sneak up behind me again. He left through the main entrance so hopefully he won't be spending anymore couch sitting time with Youichi. I have no idea what that guy's deal is but according to the gossip I've heard in the lounge he's not someone you want to get mixed up with.

Though his intentions are unclear, Natsume Hyuuga is no virgin and quite the womanizer. According to Hoshio, Natsume is like a skilled hunter and once he sets his eyes on the prize: the chase is on. I pray this sudden start of conversation isn't the initiation of some cat and mouse game that I am bound to lose.

"Don't be ridiculous Mikan." Anna says when she visits me on my break after I confide my worries to her.

"Because there's no way Natsume is interested in me like that right?" I say hopefully.

"No," my heart sank, "It's just ridiculous to worry about it. I mean it's not like he's going to shoot you or anything."

"That's comforting." I pout.

"Besides as far as I can tell Natsume likes the easy kill. Like a wounded zebra. You are a graceful gazelle and you're quick witted and stubborn. He'll leave you alone to frolic when the next sleazy thing walks through the door."

I sigh. She is right after all. Natsume's reputation did stem from the fact that girls just seemed to fall around him and their clothes seemed to want to bust right off of them. I have nothing to worry about. My worries about Natsume melted away as I went about my work. Sumire was being a major pain in the butt, by spilling things on purpose and making me get down to wipe it up. I swallowed my pride and bit my tongue. The sooner she got back to feeling like she was on top, the sooner I can go back to being anonymous.

* * *

><p>The next morning when I walked into the gas station Kokoro wasn't behind the counter. It was empty and I wondered if it was closed and I just missed the sign, but before I walked back out to check for a 'Closed' sign, Kokoro came out of the back room carrying a box.<p>

"Morning Mikan-chan!" He greeted enthusiastically.

"Morning." I replied with not even a fraction of his enthusiasm.

"You're looking good these days." He said restocking the candy display.

"You mean less homeless?" I said inserting my coins in the coffee machine.

"Something like that." He said not pressing it.

I watched as the cup dropped from the machine and the hot brown liquid poured out into it. I pulled out the lid and some sugar packets. Something is bothering me, but I didn't know which is worse: asking or not asking. Kokoro seemed harmless enough just standing there stocking candy in a black t-shirt and an employee smock.

To hell with it.

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked.

"You just did." He said teasingly.

I gave him a look and he just smiled and retracted with, "Only if I can ask you one."

"Fine. Remember that necklace I gave to you? Where is it now? Did you pawn it?" I asked.

"That was three questions," He said, "Yes. I don't know. No."

"If you didn't pawn it then where is?" I asked trying not to panic.

"That's another one. I gave it to someone." He said dismissively.

"A girl?" I asked.

"I think your quota for questions has been filled. It's my turn to ask one."

I suppress my irritated sigh, "What?"

"Do you like pancakes?" he asked with that big goofy grin.

"I give you an opportunity to ask me anything you want and you ask me if I like pancakes?" I ask him in disbelief.

He just shrugs his shoulders.

"I hate pancakes." I take Youichi's hand and leave the gas station.

I don't really hate pancakes. I actually quite like them especially drowned in strawberry syrup, but I wasn't going to let him know that. I'm weary of unpredictable people. I find comfort in being able to read people: their moods, expressions, body movement and be able to use that to predict their next move, but everyone in this town has thrown me off somehow. Well except Sumire, that girl is something right out of a shoujo manga. She radiates perfection at all the right moments and the minute you step into her territory she goes all homicidal kitten. Point being, she's predictable and therefore, can't scare me. Kokoro, Hotaru, Ruka, Natsume are just a hand full of people I cannot trust, simply because they're all so random and out of place yet they all occupy the same space. A genius entrepreneur that still in her teens, her blonde boy lap dog, the Lolita girly staff, the mysterious bad boy lurking in and out, the elegant restaurant and the underground bar; everything is just so. . . random. And me and my little brother, practically runaway fugitives, caught up in the middle.

Yeah that's random.

"What's wrong with these people?" Youichi asked in a monotone voice.

I sigh before responding, "I have no idea."

Maybe they're all insane or maybe there's something in the water in this town. What I know for sure is that I have to get rid of that necklace. I'm more than confident that it would be just my luck that every person I run into in this town probably knows everyone else. I've fallen smack dab onto the set of some narcissistic wanna-be novelist's creative playground. My thoughts wander into the dimension of frivolity where I imagine my perfect life in a posh loft, modern-Victorian contrast decorated, with beautiful paintings hung and maybe a dog. I want a view as well. For three years my only view has been my own little box. Seeing people walk back and forth at school and on the street, as oblivious of me as I am of them. I want to see the world, really see it: the people, the scenery, no metaphorical bars on the windows and no blanket over my eyes that prevent me from seeing the beauty in life and in people. I want to see something.

Every event since our escape has been like a spark, little sparks that haven't ignited anything big yet. The only problem is I can see the main sparks, but not the small ones. Usually these mini sparks are no problem, they fade out easily and don't burn too hot, but they still hold potential. That tiny spark can ignite something huge. I don't know if that's good or bad.

When that time comes, I hope I find the spark before I see the smoke.

* * *

><p><em>Tell me what you think about the chapter. <em>

_I'm writing Chapter 10 right now. Building ever so slowly to epic climaxes and dramatic conclusions._

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan_


	10. Drown

_Hello devoted readers,_

_Due to no internet in my casa you've had to wait an additional number of days for this chapter and I apologize. I hope it's length makes up for it. Sorry for any mistakes as usual I'm in a hurry to update for you since I have access to a computer._

_Anyways_

_Read__xEnjoy__xReview_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10: Drown<strong>

I can't keep my eyes off Sumire's neck that following Thursday night. I haven't gone back to the gas station since Koko's inquiry about my opinion on hot cakes, which for some reason still has me on edge. I suppose it could be a simple question to distract from the fact that I'm a potential, no longer homeless kidnapper, but I don't think that's the case. I have this feeling like every conversation I have in this town is a test. My answers determine whether or not I pass. 'Do you like pancakes?' could be code for, 'Are you a kidnapper?' and so on. I know it doesn't make any sense, but my paranoia is mounting instead of subsiding as the days go on. The more comfortable I allow myself to become, the more likely I am to mess up and I cannot afford to mess up, financially or otherwise.

As I balance my tub through the crowd, I have my peripheral vision trained on Sumire's every move, which is easy seeing as she never moves from her perch on the bar. She tosses her neck this way and that, laughing and sipping drinks with various guys. The necklace hangs loosely around her dainty neck, threatening to submerge itself into her protruding cleavage. It sparkles for a brief moment when the light hits it the right way, mocking me with its presence, like some evil link to my past or maybe a tracking device.

I want to get rid of it. I _need _to get rid of it. But how to do so is a whole other story. I could trip and swipe the necklace off of her, but she'd notice that, not to mention get extremely pissed off. I could tell her that it's a knock off, but something tells me Sumire can spot a real diamond clear as day across six lanes of heavy traffic. I could try to get into a fight with her, but Sumire doesn't seem like a brawling kind of girl, not to mention I would most definitely lose my job.

I wipe the table in front of me without looking at it because Sumire starts moving the pendant along the silver chain. It's like she knows I'm staring at her, but she's too busy flirting to even notice me.

I make it all the way to the end of my shift without coming up with a plan to get the necklace. Sumire leaves on the arm of some guy, not helping to clean up as usual. The bar takes a great deal more to clean since there is alcohol and sticking footprints everywhere. To earn our workers compensation we straighten tables, retrieve glasses, organize chairs and restock the shelves. We do this until the professional cleaning crew comes in. They start doing their thing and everyone says their "Good nights" to one another. I jog up the stairs and retrieve my coat, bag, and brother and start on the journey home.

* * *

><p>I don't even hear Tsubasa calling my name as I begin mounting the stairs of our apartment stairs.<p>

"Oh. Hi. Sorry." I say finally acknowledging him.

"Lost in thought?" He said standing at the foot of the stairs looking up at me.

"Completely. It's new territory for me." I joke weakly.

He chuckled a bit, "Well you guys should have dinner with us." He says with that goofy grin.

"Us?" I repeat.

But he doesn't answer me and just makes a motion for us to follow him. Youichi tightens his grip on my hand. I give him a small reassuring smile and lead him back down the stairs and down the hallway behind Tsubasa. He holds an apartment door open and the aroma of delicious meat nearly knocks me off my feet.

"Hey babe, Mikan's here." Tsubasa says flopping down on their three seater couch.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" A familiar voice calls from the kitchen.

Suddenly Misaki appears in the doorway wearing a pink apron that matches her pink mess of tresses she has pulled up in a bun on top of her head. I blink at her for a moment thinking that I am imagining her standing there, but no, there she is holding a wooden spoon in one hand and shoving Tsubasa away with the other. She looks very different from her composed, drill sergeant self with flour smeared on her cheeks and rice on the corner of her mouth.

Their apartment is larger than ours and fully furnished. After I remove my shoes, I step up into the entryway where there is a small table with envelopes piled on top and two sets of keys. I help Youichi out of his coat and hang it up on the coat rack. I remove my own coat slowly, taking in my surroundings: the smell of Misaki's meal, the warmth of the apartment, the western style furniture. A dark wood coffee table with magazines spread on the surface, a white couch with several brightly colored throw pillows decorating it, a black leather arm chair to the left, a messy bookshelf in the corner, and pale green sheer curtains hang in front of the windows.

I pull Youichi behind me as we follow Tsubasa and Misaki into the dining section where a beautiful dinner is spread. Barbequed meats, white rice, vegetables, soup, and a jug of iced green tea. I could hardly cover the sound of my stomach rumbling. Tsubasa ushered us into two seats as Misaki wiped her face and took off her apron.

"It isn't much, but I'm proud of the result." She said as she sat down next to Tsubasa.

"Are you kidding? It's gorgeous." I say looking over each dish.

"Well then let's dig in." Tsubasa says with his cheesy grin and chop sticks held in the air.

A comfortable silence fills the room as we eat. Everyone more preoccupied with their bowls instead of trying to make conversation which I am thankful for. I imagine this is what my life would have been like if Persona wasn't such a bastard. My life went straight to hell after my dad died, but it had countless opportunities to get better, but every opportunity just gave my mom another chance to make matters so much worse. Like the fact she even met someone was an opportunity, but instead of a nice accountant or maybe even a construction worker, she had to meet Persona of all people. Out of anyone she could have met, it had to him. I never wanted to succumb to the life I was given. People say things like "Everything happens for a reason" and "The red string of fate", but I refuse to believe that garbage because I don't want to believe that misery is something that someone had already set up for me. I have no say in the matter? Some divine force rolled the die and now I'm doomed to be this miserable, scarred and broken human being for the rest of my life? I'm anchored to my misery by the red string of fate?

No thank you.

I want to write my own destiny. Fill the pages of my novel with my own convictions and how I strive to make my life better every single day. Each day presents another chance, a fresh start and I won't take any of it for granted. I could've died tragically during these past three years and become another statistic case of violence in the home, but I'm alive. I'm surviving and trying to leave that life in the past.

Misery, be damned.

I catch glimpses of Tsubasa and Misaki and wonder what the future could hold for them as well: a small house with two kids and a dog. They'll sit at the table as we all are now and talk about their day like a normal family. I've tried to imagine myself in these types of scenarios, but it all seems farfetched to me. Meeting someone, falling in love, living with them, getting proposed to, marrying them, it just seems like a life that will forever be elusive to me.

But why?

Why can't I have the things that come so naturally to others? Maybe I just don't believe anyone can love me or maybe my life has been so screwed up that anything resembling normalcy is just not conceivable. Whatever the case, my world just doesn't have any room for normal so instead I'll just borrow some from others around me to get me by.

"So Mikan, Tsubasa tells me you suckered him into letting you squat here."

I laugh off my anxiety, "Nothing like that. He's just letting us stay here to keep some crazy lady and her screaming kid out."

"She's still coming around here?" Misaki says looking sharply at Tsubasa.

"Not anymore once I told her I rented the apartment out." He said in a very bored tone.

From Misaki's sudden attitude change I'm guessing the woman had been by before and didn't make a good impression with the future Mrs.

"Anyway Mikan how's work?" Tsubasa asked, "Imagine my surprise when Misaki starts telling me about this newbie at the restaurant named Mikan. What a coincidence."

"Yeah I was just thinking that." I reply taking a sip of my green tea.

"Well it's a small world after all." Misaki says with a smile.

"Now you can have dinner with us more often." Tsubasa says.

Before I could begin to argue, Misaki jumps in, "Yeah we can talk about all the crappy waitresses behind their backs and you can tell me all about the bar."

The mischievous glint in her eyes told me there was no way I was getting out of it. We spent the next hour eating and Misaki telling horror stories about when she first started working at the restaurant where the boss is younger than she is. We laughed and drank green tea; Youichi ate till his heart's content and flopped on the couch in front of the television. I could tell he was at ease even though we've never been here before. I guess seeing me talk and laugh so much helped him get comfortable. My sides were sore from laughing so hard. I use to think that Misaki was kind of cold, but she's really nice and funny. She and Tsubasa make a perfect pair. There are little moments where they would just look at each other while telling a story or making a joke that warmed my heart. Two people in love, is quite a sight to behold.

I help Misaki clear the table and wash the dishes. Standing at the sink together made me realize that she's slightly taller than me, but not by much. I think I made her bigger in my head because she is usually such an authority figure, but right now she is just Misaki and I am just Mikan; two girls washing dishes while Youichi sleeps on the couch and Tsubasa takes out the trash.

"We really should do this more often." Misaki said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah it was really fun." I chimed in.

"It's nice to see you not so serious."

"Me? What about you?" I laughed.

She nudged me with her elbow playfully, "You know what I mean. You always seem to be in a different world, like its work or die in your head."

I try to laugh off the comment, but it's a little dry in my throat all of a sudden.

She continues, "I can understand though, being on your own with no help. It feels like the whole world sucks and there's nothing, but self-reliance."

I stay silent and dry another dish as she hands it to me. I can feel her looking at me, but I can't make myself make eye contact. I feel as though my eyes might say something I'll regret later.

"It's okay you know," She says eyes still on me, "To rely on people sometimes."

I sigh and place the dish into the clean pile, "Not in my experience. People either let you down or they die."

"I've been where you are Mikan and it's-"

"Looks like Youichi is passed out." Tsubasa said coming back into the kitchen suddenly.

"Yeah I should get some sleep before my shift tomorrow." I say drying my hands on my jeans.

"I'll help you." Tsubasa said throwing Misaki a look I didn't quite understand.

Tsubasa lifted Youichi off the couch and followed me out of the apartment. We walked up the stairs in silence and to make myself feel less awkward I actually counted every step until we got to my front door. I unlocked it and turned to take Youichi from Tsubasa who looked surprisingly remorseful.

"I'm sorry about Misaki. She really means well. I was sort of eavesdropping earlier." He confessed.

"It's okay. I know she has good intentions."

"Still, I didn't mean to spill the beans." He said looking genuinely regretful.

"It's alright really. You shouldn't keep secrets from your fiancée anyway. All is forgiven."

He hands Youichi to me and gives me a little wave before heading back down the hallway. I watch him go for a while before going into my apartment. I lay Youichi down on top of the futon and get him into his pajamas. The amount of food he ate put him in a hibernation-like sleep, I undressed and redressed him in his pajamas and he didn't even fidget. I tuck him under the blanket and stroke his hair for a minute.

We've slept together on several occasions over the years as a safety in numbers technique, but I've never really looked at Youichi like I do nowadays. Remembering every curve of his face, the faint scar on his forehead, his eyelash length, his hair color and how soft it is, everything I now know by heart from watching him sleep and just being around him so much in general. I wonder if we're anything like real siblings.

I get up and head to the bathroom after my little moment of reflection. It's a little after two in the morning and I have to help open the restaurant like I do almost every day of the week. I wish I could remember what sleeping in felt like. Even on Saturday and Sunday I'm up at the crack of dawn: cleaning, doing laundry, calculating the budget, reading my poetry book, making Youichi breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner if he wants Ramen.

I wash my face in the sink with warm water. My skin isn't as pale as it was before and even though I'm running on fewer hours of sleep than usual, I don't look as tired and lifeless as I use to even in the dark of my bathroom I can make out the faint outline of my face. Nobara and Anna are always telling me how pretty I am and that I should dress up more. I laugh it off every time the conversation even comes up. Under my skin I feel like my true self exist and it's ugly and dirty and broken. I go back to Youichi on the futon. I lie down next to him with my hair sprawled out underneath me as I stare at the dark ceiling.

Nighttime used to be so ominous. I never really slept, only part of me slept while the other part of me listened for footsteps on the stairs or voices in the house. If I heard anything out of the ordinary, my exhaustion left me and I was out of my bed and at the door ready to run or intervene at a moment's notice. Now, night is just a time of almost complete silence. A few cars going down the street, maybe a person speaking too loud or laughing, but that's about it. Sweet silence surrounding us, so quiet I can hear my own heart beating. I just feel it pulsing beneath my ribs and let it lull me to sleep as I counted. . .

_One Two Three Four…_

* * *

><p>"You're not working today." She repeated.<p>

"I beg your pardon?" I repeat for the umpteenth time.

"Are you deaf or something?" Hotaru said sounding more irritated.

"I have to work. It's Friday, there's going to be an all-day rush and I cover three of Misaki's tables." I try to reason.

"I don't care. I will not have you suing me for exploitation of your situation nor will I have you dropping dead in the middle of my establishment."

I sink back into the chair in front of her desk and sigh. Working is the only thing I've been doing since I got here. A "day off" isn't in my vocabulary.

"Fine I'll just come in for my night shift at the bar."

"When I say not working today, that also includes the bar." She said scribbling down on a sheet of paper.

She hadn't looked up at me since she called me in her office ten minutes ago. She just sat there scribbling away and telling _me_ that _I _need a day off. This girl is really a piece of work.

I strut around to the back of her desk and take the pen from her hands and push all her papers off her desk and on to the floor.

"Are you insane? I said take a day off, not attempt to get yourself fired." She said in her most annoyed tone.

"If you're making me take a day off, I'm making you take a day off." I announce pressing a bunch of buttons trying to shut off her computer screen.

She just kind of sits there (I'm guessing in shock) as I fumble with the computer and her papers. I grab her hand, which is a new sensation for the both of us I can assure you, and pull her out of her chair with some difficulty at first, but eventually she gets up. I pick up her cashmere sweater off the hook screwed into the wall near the door. I drape it over her shoulders and wrap her scarf around her neck several times making her look a little ridiculous. She keeps glaring at me but doesn't interrupt. I march her out of her office with a firm grip on her hand and she stopped resisting.

"Come on Youichi." I call out into the employee lounge.

He pokes his head up and leaps off the couch casting weary glances at the two of us, but I just smile and take his hand with my free one and march us through the back entrance.

"You have a car I assume?" I say to Hotaru releasing her hand.

She doesn't answer me as she pushes her arms through the sleeves of her sweater and adjusts her scarf to its proper position. She then digs in her pocket for a moment. With a jingle and a jangle she pulls out what look like car keys. I snatch them from her, much to her disdain, and pull them along the alleyway and down the street. In front of the restaurant there are several cars parked, but it was easy to spot Hotaru's.

It's a posh silver Mercedes-Benz that looks like it belongs on a showroom floor. I click the unlock button on the keys and the lights on the car blink twice. Hotaru helps Youichi into the backseat since it's a two door car, and then settles herself into the passenger side. I slid into the driver's seat and slid the key into the ignition and started the car.

For the record I've never driven a motor vehicle in my life so sitting behind the wheel of my boss's expensive Mercedes both excites and terrifies me especially since Hotaru is now being so complacent. She just sits in the passenger seat fastening her seat belt and staring blankly ahead. Everything I know about cars I've basically learned from instructional videos, girl talk in my school, and movies.

Curiousity is about to kill a car full of cats.

After a few minutes her eyebrow arch upward at me.

"You do know how to drive don't you?" She asked.

I just smile and put the car in 'Drive', "Of course."

And then I peel away from the curb.

* * *

><p>"Just stop the car." She says again.<p>

"No I got it." I say slamming sharply on the brakes and then accelerating.

"I thought you said you knew how to drive." Hotaru said.

"I do. . .In theory." I reply giving her a sheepish grin to which she glares.

"Pull this car over now Sakura." She demands.

"I got it Imai." I counter.

I pull off of the busy intersection and try to accelerate slowly down the street. Both Hotaru and Youichi are clinging to their seats for dear life, but I am having a blast. I have no clue where I'm going, but the rush of driving a car is intense and I just want to do ninety in any direction.

"Where are we going?" She asks practically clawing her nails into the dashboard.

"Does it matter? It's our day off." I say trying to successfully ease into a gentle stop with little success.

"I'm suing you for emotional trauma." She says.

"And whiplash." Youichi adds from the backseat.

"Oh, pipe down you spoiled sports. Loosen up." I say.

"You are so beyond fired." She mutters in her seat.

I just smile and accelerate through the intersection when a diner catches my eye. It's on the opposite side of the street so I have to maneuver a little to park in front of it and by maneuver I mean swing across four lanes of traffic without signaling.

Oops.

Hotaru is glaring at me with the hot intensity of the devil herself, but I just happily cut off the engine and get out of the car. The early morning air is brisk, but I my cheeks feel hot. I help Youichi out of the car on the driver side and we stand on the sidewalk waiting for Hotaru to get out, but she just stares ahead not moving a muscle like a car dummy.

I walk up to the window and knock on the glass. She closes her eyes tightly like she's trying to suppress her annoyance. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.

I open the door, "Hotaru, come on."

"I refuse." She states.

"Why?"

"One: I do _not_ eat diner food. Two: I do _not_ set foot in diners. Three: You are fired. Now give me my car keys."

I shake my head and suppress my urge to laugh, "One: You need to get out more. Two: We are not employee and employer right now. Three: You _are _going in."

I grab her hand and pull her out of the car which surprises her so much that she actually stumbles out of the car. I lock the door before she can even think about retreating and drag her into the diner while Youichi holds the door open. I greet the red headed waitress who looks to be in her mid-thirties and dragged Hotaru into a booth. I place her in the corner seat and sit next to her and Youichi sits across from us.

The waitress drops several menus on our table and takes our drink orders. I order Hotaru and me a cup of coffee and Youichi some hot chocolate.

"See? You haven't spontaneously combusted." I say opening a menu.

She mutters something about not yet. A moment later a buzzing sound started coming from her pocket. She pulls a slim, touchscreen cell phone out of her pocket and presses an on screen key.

"Hello."

…

"I'm being held against my will. Send rescue."

I snatch the phone out of her hands and end the call.

"That was impolite." She said.

"So is answering the phone while we're in the middle of bonding. You want to know me and I want to the enigma that is Hotaru Imai so let's play twenty questions."

"Are you a kidnapper?"

I nearly spit my coffee all over the table.

"First the boy, now me, your reign of terror needs to end."

"That's not-", I try to explain.

"Is this how you intend to break me? By forcing me to eat poorly prepared, disease ridden diner food? Then you'll just leave my body in the woods to be ravaged by raccoons and wolves."

I just stare at her for a moment, "You really have problems, don't you?"

"Right now my only _problem_ is being kidnapped by an idiot."

"I'll start, how old are you exactly?" I ask pouring more sugar into my coffee.

She sighs deeply and glares at me for a moment before resigning internally and taking a sip from her coffee cup.

"Eighteen." She says.

"Exactly?"

"October 25th of last year. So yes, eighteen and several months."

"Your turn." I say signaling the waitress for another cup.

"Where are you from?" she asks.

"About a day's bus ride from here." I reply.

"That was specific."

"You didn't ask for specifics." I countered.

"Can I take your order?" the waitress asked, pulling a pen out of her hair bun and a notepad out of her apron pocket.

I look at Hotaru, "Let me guess, you're an egg whites and whole wheat toast kind of girl."

She rolled her eyes, but didn't deny it. I just smile because I know I hit the nail on the head.

"Let's see. What do you want Youichi?"

"Bacon."

"That's just one thing. Let's all have omelets with a side of bacon and some toast."

"More hot chocolate."

"Youichi aren't you forgetting something?"

"With whip cream." He responds slouching down in his seat.

We're still working on his manners obviously, but the waitress just smiles and takes no offense.

"Well aren't you just the sweetest thing." The waitress comments as she picks up our menus.

In my sweater pocket, Hotaru's phone starts buzzing for the third time. I pull the device out of my pocket and look at the screen.

'_$$Ruka$$'_

I guess her little lapdog can't find me and is calling to report it. Won't he be surprised? I can feel the corners of my mouth turning up into a smirk as I click the on screen 'Answer' button.

"Hotaru's phone this is Mikan!" I answer cheerily.

I can practically hear his confusion over the line and see that dumbstruck pretty boy expression on his face. I just continue to smile as he fumbles for words.

"Sometime today maybe Ruka, Hotaru and I have things to do."

"Sorry about that Sakura-san. You and Hotaru are together?"

"Yes. Is that so strange?"

"Well yes, seeing as Hotaru doesn't really go anywhere with anyone."

"Yes I know we're working on this horrible personality of hers, teaching her to lighten up."

"That's great? Um. . . Can I speak to her?"

"I'm sorry that won't be possible. Hotaru is taking the day off and I can't risk you talking to her about something work related. I will give her phone back after she has shown some improvement. Ta-ta!"

Hotaru glares at me with her stone cold violet eyes. I don't think she can decide between whether to fire me for real or throttle me. I think she is too dignified to wrestle me down to the ground in a public setting, especially one that she deems unsanitary.

"What?" I ask innocently.

She crosses her arms defiantly across her chest just in time for the waitress to place our plates in front of us. I've never seen an omelet look so delicious; stuffed with cheese and piping hot. Three crisp slices of bacon alongside it. I pick up my fork and get ready to dig in when I notice Hotaru sitting stiff staring at the plate like it might jump out and strangle her. She shakes her head a tad and just picks up her coffee cup. I put my fork back down and sigh.

"So you're just not going to eat?" I ask.

She doesn't respond and just signals the waitress for another cup of coffee by waving her empty mug in the air.

"There are millions of starving people in the world and you're just going to sit there and let a perfectly good omelet go to waste."

"My company donates lots of money to third world countries; I can afford to pass up a subpar omelet in a tacky diner."

I scoff and shove a big piece of omelet in my mouth, "I think I know what you're problem is."

"This should be good." She says rolling her eyes.

"Yeah it will be. You don't care about anyone do you? Just you and your money."

"Why should I care about anything else?" She asks arching an eyebrow at me.

"Because that's how you get friends?" I reply taking another bite of omelet.

"I don't need friends, just people to do things for me and get little in return."

"Slaves?"

"That's a crass term. Besides I have yet to strike anyone."

"But that's what we're talking about here. You don't like people that much is clear, but you like to use them for labor, which is why everyone who is employed at your establishment is in the same class as you or around the same age."

"Are you always this perceptive?" She commented taking another sip from her cup.

"No one ever challenges you. You just get whatever you want." I continue.

"No one ever challenges me because they know they'll lose and I get what I want because I have the means to take it. For someone who doesn't want to be judged, you sure pass a lot of judgment. You say you don't owe anybody anything, but you owe a lot. I gave you a job without calling the police, Tsubasa gave you an apartment without payment and you have the nerve to walk around like you're so independent."

"I never-", but she cut me off.

"You raise red flags everywhere you go and it's only a matter of time before whatever you're running away from catches up to you. Maybe you've had a hard life, but that doesn't give you the right to say who can and can't act a certain way. Everyone is damaged."

"Including you?"

"You say I don't have friends and maybe that's true. I just don't want to lean on anyone or need validation from anyone. I'm perfectly fine standing on my own two feet. If that makes me an 'Ice Queen' then so be it. Tell me again how different we are. Just because I don't bounce around laughing and smiling forming fake connections with people I have no intention to trust, makes you better than me?"

I hold my tongue because I know she's right. I have been judging her and others and pretending I'm a one woman army, but truth be told I owe everything to Hotaru and Tsubasa, without them I'd be homeless and jobless. I don't trust any of these people even though they've given me reasons to trust them. Scary enough as it seems, Hotaru and I are potentially wired the same way, only she stands true to herself by going the extra mile to let people know they're going to have a hell of a time breaking down her walls whereas I make people think that I trust them and that we have a connection, when in reality I don't let anyone really know the real me.

"I guess you're right," I finally say after an awkward pause, "and I'm really sorry. I guess I never realized how much I sucked at being on my own."

"If it was easy, everyone would run away from home." She said over the rim of her cup.

"Anywhere is better than where I was." I said.

"Did your mom cut your allowance?" she asked.

I think that's Hotaru's attempt at a joke so I laughed, "Not exactly. Things like that don't really apply to my situation."

We were both silent again. Youichi was still eating his massive omelet with enthusiasm, but I know he's listening to some extent. Our waitress refills our coffee mugs as we sit there. I wrap my hands around the cup to warm them up.

"So is this little field trip over? Can I be released now?" She asked.

"It's not even eight a.m. and you're already trying to bail. I never pegged you for a quitter."

"I don't enjoy spending prolonged amounts of time with someone with below average intelligence."

"I'm not that much of an idiot seeing as I have both your cell phone and car keys. I can strand you here if I had half a mind to."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

We sit there staring at each other for a moment with her glaring at me and me smirking confidently, quite pleased with myself. She arches her eyebrow at me and I just shove my last piece of omelet into my mouth.

"Tell you what," I say swallowing the egg-y deliciousness, "If you take a big honking bite of that omelet I will return your car keys."

"And cell phone." She adds.

"No cell phone." I counter.

"No phone, no deal."

"You get one call."

She's quiet for a moment, but then picks up her fork. For a moment I think she might just stab me in the eye with it, but instead she uses it to cut off a piece of the omelet and pick it up. She just stares at it for a moment looking like she might hurl.

"You don't have to it you don't want to. I'll still respect you even if you're a big sissy. I mean you do sign my checks after all."

Without warning, she shoves the entire morsel into her mouth and chews savagely.

"Can we go now?" She says between bites.

I nearly burst with laughter, but I settle for handing her the car keys with a triumphant smile on my face. I leave several bills on the table and get up to let Hotaru out of the booth. I wipe Youichi's mouth with a clean napkin and take his hand as we follow Hotaru outside to her car. I help Youichi into the back seat and slip into the passenger seat. I watch Hotaru closely to make sure she doesn't spit the omelet into the street, but she manages to force it down, despite the 'incoming projectile vomiting' look on her face. She starts the car and holds her hand open to me.

"My phone call." She says curtly.

I slip the phone into her hands, starting to feel a little regretful now. I don't want her to fire me (for real this time), but at the same time the only way to get what you want is to have the means to take it right? With Hotaru everything is a game of leverage, so I thought I might try my hand at playing, but she's looking really upset pounding her thumb away on her touch screen phone.

She started the ignition and pulled the car away from the curb with ease. I make mental notes in my head as she drives. I do hope to get my license one day, but I don't think my 'need-for-speed-what-is-a-speed-limit' method will get me very far, license wise.

"I'm on my way." She says into the phone and hangs up.

I don't even recall her saying 'Hello' into the phone, but Hotaru seems like the type of girl who doesn't like to waste her breath on such frivolities like 'Hi' and 'Bye'. She slips the phone into her cars cup holder and turns off of a busy intersection. We spend almost a half an hour in silence. I reached for the car radio at one point, but Hotaru's icy 'Don't' made my hand freeze in mid-air and retreat to its original position. Now I'm completely engrossed in the scenery: the streams of sunlight peeking through the trees, the hints of blue sky behind the thickening clouds. I hope it doesn't rain. Cold weather and rain has never been a combination I could tolerate.

Suddenly we're submerged in a residential area. Houses similar to the one I've spent the past three years imprisoned in make me shudder slightly. I remind myself that houses are not evil. At the end of the road we pull off the road and up into a driveway almost as long as the street itself, completely paved with brick. We stop several feet in to wait for the gates to open. There's a beep noise and a loud clank, then the iron gates swing inward to let the car through.

I sit in awe as we roll up the driveway and around the half circle to the front steps where there is a an older gentleman wearing a chauffeur's uniform waiting for us. Hotaru turns the car off and yanks the key out in one graceful motion sliding out of the car like a regular princess and if we are where I think we are then she really must be. The chauffeur doesn't blink an eye at us and just takes the keys from Hotaru, bowing deeply as she passes him to ascend the stairs. I watch her walk for a while, perfect posture as always with the ends of her scarf drifting in the wind.

The front double doors open almost automatically as we get within range of it. There are several maids standing by the door arms outstretched ready to take her coat, scarf, and blazer. I nearly jumped out of my skin when one of them tapped me on the shoulder from behind. I feel a little ridiculous seeing as Youichi is calmly letting two of the other maids take of his coat, hat, sweater, and scarf. The maids bow to dismiss themselves and disappear through one of the walkways. Hotaru is waiting at the foot of the grand staircase with eyebrows arched.

Well excuse me miss high and mighty, but some of us aren't use to such luxuries.

I take Youichi's hand and follow her up the stairs, which are carpeted by the way. The stairway goes off in two separate directions before continuing upward. We follow her up the left half of the stairway and down an elegantly decorated hallway with paintings, sculputures and giant vases. We come to two double doors with 'Hotaru' labeled in the center. There is a key pad built into the wall alongside the door, she punches in several buttons, each beeping as they are pressed. Several seconds pass and the doors swing open in a single motion and the lights in the room turn on.

If this was a cartoon, my jaw would be on the floor and my tongue would stretch several feet in front of me. I try not to hyperventilate as we follow Hotaru into the room. It's like something out of a dream. Decorated in several shades of purple with white accents, the room is elaborate with a royalty décor. A king size canopy bed with a million pillows on top the bedspread and sheer white curtains hanging down around it took up almost the entire left side of the room. The carpet looked practically brand new, making me feel guilty for having my shoes on, but Hotaru had hers on as well and made no motion to remove them. We pass a vanity table and chair, the surface is bare of any vanity supplies like brushes or jewelry.

In fact the entire room seemed to lack anything personal, like it was just for show. The night tables on either side of the bed have matching lamps and on top of them, but other than that they too were void of any personal knick knacks.

"Your room is amazing." I say looking up at the high ceiling were a beautiful underwater scenery is embedded in the molding.

"I know." She says dismissively.

I guess for someone like Hotaru, a palace like this is quite fitting. A small living area complete with white couches, a coffee table and elaborate bookcase embedded in the wall grabbed Youichi's attention. He wandered along the long row of books skimming over titles as he went. I turn back to the vanity and approach it slowly I trace my finger along the glossy surface. The maids must clean this place from the time Hotaru leaves right until she gets back. A circular outline on the table catches my attention. I run my finger along the curve. A scratch maybe? Couldn't be, Hotaru would have noticed something like that. Unless my theory is correct and this room really is for show.

Upon closer inspection, the curve in the table actually makes a full circle in the surface. I press on it lightly and nearly jump out of my skin as the table makes and whirring noise and starts expanding. The top portion slides back into the bottom wood panel of the mirror revealing a complete set of make-up and hair accessories.

"Wow!" I exclaim hardly able to contain my amazement.

Brushes, combs, lip stick, eye liner, a complete array of girl essentials built into her vanity table. I look at all the different colors and styles, there is even some perfume. It's very odd on some several, seeing as Hotaru doesn't strike me as the type to sitting in front of a mirror grooming herself. Speaking of the devil, I think to myself as Hotaru appears beside me pressing another secret button built into the mirrors frame and the vanity turns back into a simple table.

"That's amazing!" I practically shriek forgetting my proximity to Hotaru.

Hotaru winces at my volume, but doesn't reply as she turns back to her computer desk that sits in front of her large window.

"It's like you're a secret agent or something with all of these hidden gizmos. What else does your room do?"

"Are you always this loud?" she asks.

"You'll get used to it." I reply not missing a beat.

"I doubt it."

"Come on! You bring me to your amazing room in your amazing house and you expect me to be so cavalier? Sorry but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be in a place like this." I say looking at a painting on the wall next to a door which must lead to Hotaru's bathroom. It's a watercolor of the Eiffel Tower during sunset the colors in the sky are blended together: purple, scarlet, burnt orange, into a beautiful pattern that must only exist in Paris.

"I only brought you here so I can take emergency medication in case that slop you call food you made me ingest decides to make a second appearance." She says clicking away on her computer.

I just roll my eyes. I'm too engrossed in the painting to retort or pry her away from her computer where she is no doubt doing something work related. I doubt I could get her away anyway she probably has computer built into the walls, but maybe if I did a little snooping she'd have no choice. Without thinking twice about it, I twist the knob on the door and walk into the room. I was right on the money about it being the bathroom, but apparently the term 'bathroom' has its own meaning in this lap of luxury.

The floor is covered in white tiles that shine as I walk across the lavish space. A sink is embedded into the marble counter that is decorated with purple scented candles and a vase of white flowers I don't recognize. The sink sits in front of a huge mirror that spans several feet across. The bathtub takes up the center of the room elevated slightly where you need a half step to reach it. The shower stands in the corner with frosted glass design so the inside could not be seen. I open the door and the frost design disappears leaving just transparent glass. I stood there opening and closing the door for a moment completely awe struck. The entire room is spotless and smells like cleaner. There are two other doors, one adjacent to the sink that leads to a separate toilet room and another that leads into Hotaru's closet.

And what a closet.

It's like I was transported into a department store at a shopping mall. Each wall of the closet is covered with racks filled with clothes. Perfectly hung outfits from suits to dresses. There are even cushioned benches in front of the floor to ceiling shoe rack. There is no denying Hotaru's gender if the staggering amount of shoes she owns is any indication. Hotaru could open a boutique in her own closet. There's another door that leads back to the bedroom. I can see Hotaru through the doorway showing Youichi a small device. I walk out of her closet in time to see a large television rise out of her carpeted floor.

"Is there anything you don't have in this place?" I ask flopping down into her couch, which is the most comfortable seating my butt has ever experienced.

She looked thoughtful for a moment, "A decent security system."

"You're kidding." I say arching an eyebrow.

"My mother won't let me arm the system with live ammunition."

I looked at her in shock, but her expression is as blank and her tone serious as always.

I need to change the subject, "I didn't peg you for a mini-mall closet having kind of girl. It's incredible."

"I needed adequate space for the copious amounts of clothing my mother insists on buying me."

"Well she is your mother. Isn't that her job?"

"She tends to go overboard especially when fashion week comes around. She insists on pretending like I care about things like this."

"But you're Hotaru Imai. You must have the best of the best." I say sarcastically.

She was undeterred, "True, but I'm going to need another closet at the rate she goes."

"Sounds wonderful." I say more to myself looking at the television that had a music video of an all-girl band I didn't recognize. They look Korean, but their Japanese singing is flawless.

"My curiosity has forced me to be complacent with your idiocy for some time now, but this 'getting to know you' experiment is inefficient. I'm better off researching you thoroughly through the FBI."

"Are you sure?" I ask flopping down into a laying position on her couch, "Researching me just makes me another file on your desk, but continuing with this experiment makes us friends."

She folded her arms across her chest, "So we invade each other's personal space and hit each other with pillows?"

I snort with laughter, "We wouldn't want to overwhelm ourselves. How about we have some tea instead?"

I like Hotaru. She's the only person that has challenged me to be honest. Not just with others, but with myself. I need to face the reality of my situation in terms of how it affects my perspective of myself and my relationships with people. I'm so busy telling lies and being nervous all time that I don't have the luxury of getting genuinely close to anyone. I know what you must be thinking, of all people in this entire region, why on earth would I want to be friends with Hotaru Imai? The heartless ice queen who is also my boss?

I can't quite place it really.

Maybe it's because we challenge each other or maybe because I've had more fun with her in these last few hours than I've had since I left Persona's house. Maybe I'm just weird and Hotaru's weirdness compliments my own. Maybe the whole reason I haven't been able to really connect is because I'm still focused on running, but the fact of the matter is, I'm not running anymore. I've been in one place for a while now and I haven't made any effort to start being a new person.

I want to be happy. I want to feel safe. I want to smile and laugh and really feel it. I want at least one good friend. Maybe I just need to start being brave. Maybe this is a different kind of test; one that challenges my ability to be honest with someone. Hotaru doesn't strike me as a gossip type and the fact that neither of us really get the whole 'friend' thing makes it that much easier. I sit across from her in the sitting room with sunlight streaming all around us as we sip tea for little porcelain china cups. She looks otherworldly like a princess from a foreign land pulled right out of a fairy tale. She sits with perfect posture taking small sips her violet eyes shimmering in the sun.

Lots of girls wish to be princesses when they are young and I am no exception, but maybe instead of becoming a princess I was sent one.

And that's when it happened. Like verbal diarrhea, I told Hotaru Imai everything, the entire fascinating pager turner that is my life story, from birth to present. She didn't ask me to, not really, but between the sips of delicious oolong tea and complimenting her amazing house, we made eye contact. A simple gesture, sure enough, but somewhere in her violet eyes I could see her curiosity. The reason for us being here after all, was because she was curious about me, Youichi, and where we come from. So I placed my cup gently on its saucer and took a deep breath, once I started I couldn't stop.

It's like I opened the flood gates and water is pouring in from all directions. There is no forcing it shut. I just have to keep talking, which seems to suit Hotaru just fine as she continues to sip her tea looking from her cup to the window to me then back at her cup as I talk.

Maybe this is a horrible idea. I should shut up.

But I can't.

I can't shut up; it's like some part of me deep down wants to tell someone. I've never talked to anyone about this stuff ever and between my blabbing and Hotaru's typically blank face, I'm beginning to feel the water level rise. Stuff about my dad that I've never talked about with anyone; my mom, Persona, Youichi, the necklace I stole, the drugs, the alcohol, the bus ride, the abandoned building we stayed in, my entire life being stuffed into a duffel bag, leaving high school, not having a clue what I'm doing, the fear of being caught: everything.

I feel the water rising past my neck up my jawline and finally submerging me. It wasn't until Hotaru handed me her silk handkerchief that I realized that my water metaphor sprouted from the fact that somewhere among my words I started crying. My eyes stung and water poured down my cheeks, but I didn't stop. I kept talking, her eyes were trained on me now as if she were watching a movie.

I feel like I'm drowning.

I never realized how much I'm holding inside me all the time. The grief and anger that I try to repress, all of it just built up behind some door inside of myself. I need to be strong for the sake of Youichi and myself, but I'm not strong. I'm weak. I can't even keep it together in front of the most stoic person I've ever met, how pathetic is that.

I'm drowning in the middle of my princess's castle and I can't stop crying.

* * *

><p><em>I know you guys want more NatsuxMikan moments but I have to take everythiong one step at a time, but don't worry chapter 11 is under way and Natsume is making a prolonged appearance. I have big plans for him in this story no doubt.<em>

_I'm also working on my next story and Dangerous intentions so look out for those._

_Please take the time to review!_

_Lots of Love,_

_Chi-chan_


	11. Surge

****_Hiho wonderful readers,_

_No internet at my casa still so here's your long awited chapter. drop me a review and tell me what you think!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11: Surge<strong>

All is quiet.

I wipe my face with Hotaru's handkerchief and sniffle a bit. I think I managed to save a little face at the end of my emotional speech when I concluded with a sarcastic remark about fate and destiny. Hotaru didn't say anything; she just refilled my cup with more oolong tea and looked rather thoughtful as she filled her own. My eyes feel tired and my knuckles are white from clutching her little handkerchief in my hands. Surprisingly enough, I feel better. After being submerged in my problems for a moment, when I was finished it was like the tides receded and I was here in the sitting room again, sipping tea with the ice princess.

No more drowning, just sitting there trying to compose myself with the same air of confidence I've been trying to perfect. She raises the cup to her lips and sips. It's driving me insane. I know this moment is supposed to be a comfortable silence with internal reflection, but her just sitting there as if I said nothing at all is making me fidgety.

I clear my throat, "Say something."

She places her cup delicately back down on the saucer.

"What do you want me to say?" she asks looking directly at me.

"I don't know. Isn't this the part where you ask me if I'm okay and tell me how brave I am?" I reply.

"Well anyone can see that you are not 'okay' by any means and I'm not going to tell you're brave because quite frankly I don't know if it was brave."

Pause.

What?

"What?" I say aloud this time.

"Bravery is doing something with courage, you didn't really have courage. All you had was fear."

"Then what would you call it?"

"Oddly enough I'd call it smart. Basic human survival: run away from danger. I didn't think you mentally capable."

"Gee thanks." I say forgetting my grief and drinking my tea sourly.

"As for Youichi, that was selfless. You aren't even biologically related and you didn't think twice about taking him with you and he didn't think twice about leaving. It's rather poetic."

"Well then write me a sonnet." I mutter twirling the small spoon in my cup.

She was silent for a moment and then shocked us both by saying, "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? It's not your fault."

"I'm aware of that, but I've been told I lack compassion: an ability to relate to others and see things from their perspective. Not that I've ever had such need for that ability, but I suppose statistically there is a first time for everything. So I am sorry that I pried so much, it must have made you very uncomfortable."

"Um, it's fine?" I reply not really knowing what to say.

Her apology sounds like something that should be submitted in writing, but she is making a genuine effort, which must make this a rare next to impossible occurrence.

"Well aren't we quite the pair. I'm the emotional, runaway basket case and you are a heartless, money hoarding, social interaction failure. Beyond repair aren't we?"

"Immensely." She concludes.

The corner of her mouth lifts ever so slightly for a moment. I guess that's as much of a smile as I'll ever get out of her.

"I propose we enact the ancient sacred ceremony passed down as tradition states between two friends throughout all of time." I announce placing my arm on the table.

She raises an eyebrow at me, "What is that exactly?"

"The pinky swear," I reply, "But first you have to tell me something about you. Something you don't want anyone to know."

"Why would I do that if I don't want anyone to know?" She asks monotonously.

"Because I have literally told you everything about me that I never want to ever have discussed without my knowledge so you are going to pinky swear to me that you won't tell, but I know for a fact that you are a woman of leverage so I cannot bind you in this practice until I too have something of pinky swearing value." I explain.

She folds her arms across her chest and looks defiant.

"Come on. Nothing? No embarrassing stories? No experiments gone horribly wrong and covered up by the government?"

She didn't budge.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Nothing.

"Not one tiny little thing?"

"Clowns." She said after another moment of silent pleading.

"Clowns?" I repeat.

"Hate them to an unparalleled extent." She clarifies.

I try not to laugh, "You're scared of clowns?"

"I was four. He squirted me with a flower and chased me around the yard. I hid in my mother's closet and peed my pants."

I lost it. She glared at me, but I couldn't stop. The thought of a stoic little Hotaru running away from a clown, hiding in a closet and peeing her pants, it's too much. I can't breathe.

"And you call me heartless."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say clearing my throat trying to stop the remnants of my laughter from taking me over once again.

To some extent, I know there is a good chance that she's probably lying. Why would the super-rich ice princess tell me something personal about herself, especially an embarrassing secret? But part of me knows that she won't tell anyone my story so I loop my pinky with hers and laugh at the silliness of the gesture. Pinky promises between someone like me and someone like her.

Could we be any more different?

Yeah I doubt it.

"Hotaru!" a male voice shouts right outside the sitting room.

"Ruka we do not shout indoors." She said picking up her tea cup.

The blonde boy found his way into the room with Natsume right on his heels looking as bored as ever. I make the most effort to not even look at him which is easy considering my back is to the entry door. Ruka wastes no time plopping into an empty seat at the small round table and plucking a cookie into his mouth.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." He said between bites.

"Must have been quite a task, considering I'm at my own house."

He looked unfazed, "Yeah I called Hamilton and he said you had arrived with two guests. I'm surprised to see you here Sakura-san."

"I'm just as surprised to be here." I reply biting into a cookie myself.

"Where's your brother?" He asked.

"In place like this I would guess he's somewhere in Narnia, but last I checked Hotaru gave him full access to the game room. I think he might have smiled a little."

"That's fantastic! You guys should come by more often."

"How courteous of you to grant a standing invitation to someone else's home." Hotaru commented.

"Well I figured with all the bonding that must be going on, you two must be good friends by now." Ruka replied sheepishly.

"We're still ironing out the details. The proposal is not yet to the satisfaction of both parties, but we'll be sure to Xerox you a copy." I interject.

He smiles, "Well as long as the party of the first part doesn't have a negative effect on the party of the second part everything will be to my liking."

"I promise not to make her days off too common. I know things must be a madhouse without her looming presence at _Imai's._"

"I meant her negative affect on you Sakura-san. Hotaru tends to be firm in her ways."

"Not to mention she sucks the fun out of a room." Natsume adds from his seat on the window sill.

I laugh a little, "Well I believe we are at an impasse because I can be just as stubborn as she can, except of course I'm louder and I take things."

Hotaru makes a grunt noise in protest.

"It's true." I defend.

"Well I believe you since you did answer her phone this morning." Ruka chimed in.

"And drove her car." I say earning a pointed look from Hotaru.

Ruka looks impressed, "First time for everything I suppose. She won't even let me drive her car. It's not included in the boyfriend benefits package."

I choked on my cookie which resulted in my coughing and gagging for a moment trying to compose myself.

"Boyfriend? You and Hotaru are . . . Huh?"

I can tell by the smile on his face, he had intended to surprise me and my reaction must have been priceless because even Natsume smirked. I gulped down my tea in an effort to stop coughing and looking like a total moron.

"But I thought you and Anna were. . ."

"Me and Anna?" Ruka said chuckling a bit.

I make a note that Hotaru narrows her eyes slightly and resumes drinking from her tea cup.

"Anna and I use to date. In kindergarten." He says smiling somewhat fondly at the memory.

"Huh?" I say needing more clarification.

"She was nice and brought me cookies every single day. We always sat together during playtime our relationship never went further than that I'm afraid."

"That's adorable." I comment imagining a tiny Ruka with pudgy cheeks having his face stuffed by a teeny Anna with bubblegum pigtails.

"So wait," I say backtracking, "How did you two end up together?"

"She loves me." Ruka answers simply.

Hotaru rolls her eyes and pulls a small device from her pocket. She pressed a small rectangular button and placed it back in her pocket. Several seconds later a dog came running into the room breathing hard and yapping away. I got excited for a moment because I expected a real dog, but it was a robot dog that ran straight to Hotaru's feet with a stack of papers in its mouth. She patted its head taking the files and the dog runs from the room yapping away. Hotaru slid the papers across the table toward me and Ruka's face paled.

I picked up the stack and nearly died.

It's a stack of photographs of Ruka: tending to horses, feeding chickens, riding horses, washing a car, sleeping in class, standing in front of a row of lockers.

He looks drop dead gorgeous in each one, perfect lighting and angle. As I go through the stack there are photos of him daydreaming in class and getting out of a swimming pool and sleeping with a white rabbit.

"What are all these?" I ask flipping through the pages.

"How I paid to have my room remodeled." Hotaru answered.

"You let her take all of these? Isn't it a bit much?"

Ruka opened his mouth to answer but Hotaru beat him to the punch.

"I do not require permission to seize an opportunity to make profits." She replied simply.

"You get paid to take these?" I ask still flipping through the stack unable to believe my eyes.

I never realized how good looking Ruka is. Well defined muscles under his shirt, sparkling blue eyes, gold cornflower hair. . .

What was I talking about?

"You obviously doubt the power of the female's ability to lust after males they deem attractive." Hotaru said cutting through my thoughts.

"I _really _don't." I say straightening the pile and forcing my eyes to look at something other than Ruka.

"I simply provide the moronic female population with a look at a different side of Ruka. He should thank me for his popularity." She says.

"Thank you?" Ruka repeats incredulously, "Thank you for invading my privacy and taking advantage of me so that you can make money?"

His eyebrows were arched and his eyes narrowed at her, but she didn't even bother to make eye contact with him.

"I still don't understand how this turned into a romantic relationship." I say trying to cut through the sudden tension.

"It wasn't. She agreed to stop selling the pictures and I agreed to keep her followers away."

"Followers?" I repeat looking at Hotaru who said nothing.

"Geeky nerd types who worship her work in robotic engineering and then realized there is a girl under all that brain so naturally they started to worship other various parts of her as well." Ruka said giving me a knowing smirk.

The thought of anyone thinking of Hotaru in a sexual manner disturbs me.

Away bad thoughts.

I push the stack back across the table and before Hotaru could take them Ruka snatches them off the table and stands up. He dumps them all in the waste bin, but the lack of reaction on Hotaru's part tells me that there are truckloads more where that pile came from.

"Wow, that's . . . unexpected, yet somehow predictable." I say after thinking about for a minute.

It's completely fitting that Hotaru would enter into a monogamous relationship for means other than romantic pursuit. Ruka is tall and rather striking in terms of physical appearance and he's probably smart. I doubt Hotaru would date someone below a certain IQ level.

"So what do you ladies have planned for the rest of the day?" He asks.

"Well we thought we'd braid each other's hair and fawn over boy bands, but then we thought better of it and decided that plotting to take over the world is more our style."

Hotaru waved her hands signaling the maid standing at the door that it is okay to enter. She bowed before piling our used plates and tea cups onto her silver serving tray. She looks to be in her mid-twenties, rather plain looking with hair the color of straw pulled up in a bun and topped off with a bonnet that matches her uniform. Her hands move quickly, but carefully across the table as she removes the items from the table. She doesn't seem to be breathing and is keeping a wary eye on Hotaru who is tapping away on her phone. I guess if I worked in such close proximity to someone like Hotaru I'd be pretty nervous too.

She picks up the tray with some difficulty, but bows her head and hurries from the room. I didn't even realize Ruka was still speaking to me until he called my name.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was asking if you'd like to go swimming." He said, smile unwavering.

"Swimming? In the middle of February?" I ask blinking at him.

* * *

><p>Of course the Imai mansion would have a heated indoor swimming pool. It goes without saying. Even so I still stand in awe of it. The intense aroma of chlorine is overwhelming. I follow Hotaru into the changing room where she lends me a spare swimsuit. She doesn't say anything and just disappears out the door to let me change. I stand in front of the full body mirror holding the tiny one piece suit in my hands. I look up at my reflection, feels like it's been awhile. Same face, same mess of brunette hair pulled up in the same way, same skinny body stuffed in unflattering clothes.<p>

I slip out of my clothes slowly, pulling my sweater over my head and wiggling out of my jeans. It feels like it's been forever since I've been in a swimsuit I opted out of the swim class elective when I started working on theater productions in school. I also played lacrosse for a while. It helped to make excuses for my bruises.

I pull the black straps over my shoulders and let my hair down. It grows like a weed, at least that's what my mother use to say when she used to sit me on her lap to brush my hair before bed. A tiny pair of arms around my legs forces me from my thoughts.

"Youichi? What's the matter?" I say unwrapping his arms so I can kneel down to his level.

Natsume comes strolling in nonchalantly in a pair of black swim trunks and no shirt. He tosses a pair of shorts in Youichi's size at my head.

"He can't even change his clothes without you around?" He says shoving his hands into the pockets of his shorts.

I pull the trunks off my head and glare at him, "Maybe he just doesn't want some stranger staring at him as he changes. You could be a pedophile."

He scoffs and leaves the room letting the door slam shut behind him.

I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to Youichi, "You don't have to swim if you don't want to, but it could be fun."

"I didn't want him to see."

"See-" but I know what he means almost immediately.

The bruises.

"I'm sure they're all gone by now Youichi. Let me see." I say tugging at his shirt.

He stiffens under my touch, but let's me remove his shirt and undershirt. His skin is pale, but free of any marks or bruises.

"See? You're perfect." I say letting him check himself out in the mirror.

He looks himself over in the mirror searching for any marks, anything that might give away our past. I hand him the swim trunks and fold our clothes, placing them in a neat stack while he changes behind me. I know a five year old shouldn't be self-conscious, but if you saw bruises of various colors decorating your skin when you looked in the mirror, you'd be insecure too. He puts the remainder of his clothes on top of my neatly folded pile and follows me out to the pool area where Natsume and Ruka are hitting a beach ball back and forth while trying to stay above water. Hotaru is sitting on one of the cushioned lounge chairs surrounding the pool typing away on her laptop computer.

Youichi grabs my hand and I lead him around the pool and over to where Hotaru is sitting. I plop down on the chair next to her and Youichi climbs into my lap. It's a new behavior for him, but I think the swim trunks is making him feel a little vulnerable and exposed in front of these people he doesn't really know too well.

"Sakura-san! Come on in! The water is perfect." Ruka calls out swimming over to the edge of the pool closest to us.

"I will when Hotaru does." I say.

"Don't drag me into this." Hotaru says not even looking up.

"Are you going to let these guys ruin our day of bonding?" I say in mock horror.

She gives me a look out of the corner of her eye and I know this isn't a fight I'm going to win. Youichi tugs on a strand of my hair while looking at the water. I've never seen Youichi swim and I highly doubt Persona has ever taken the time to teach him. I want to ask him, but it would be odd to ask my 'brother' something a big sister should no doubt already know. Hotaru knows our circumstances, but I definitely don't want the lapdog boyfriend and the womanizer to know about it.

"Come on Youichi let's swim." I say to him.

He clings to me as I carry him over to the steps that lead down into the pool. The water is lovely like the temperature of a perfect bath. As we get further down the steps Youichi clings tighter to me.

"Don't be afraid." I say to him low enough so neither Natsume nor Ruka can hear me.

"Can he swim?" Ruka asks me coming over to where I'm standing waist deep in the water.

I shake my head, "No he's never had time to learn."

"Well I can teach him." Ruka says stretching out his arms.

Youichi tightens his grip on me and turns his head away, "That's nice of you, but Youichi's not a huge fan of strangers."

He didn't take any offense, "I see. Well I should try to get Hotaru in the water. I wouldn't want to ruin all your progress with her."

I just smile as he climbs out of the pool and makes his way over to Hotaru who ignores him. Natsume just leans against the edge of the pool watching me with an expression I can quite decipher, but Youichi's grip on me is more distracting.

"It's ok Youichi. We'll go real slow." I tell him.

He looks up at me and loosens his grip a bit. I support him under his back and let him float on top of the water. I can feel him relax in my hands as he moves his arms a bit. Ruka is fighting to get the computer away from Hotaru who is threating to take more photos of him.

"He'll never learn to swim like that." Natsume says coming up behind me.

"I'm not teaching him how to swim. I'm helping him get use to the water." I defend.

"Exactly. You're being such a girl about it."

"And let me guess you would suggest that I throw him into the deep end of the pool and tell him to just flap his arms and kick if he wants to live?"

"Not the technique I'd use, but whatever big sister feels is effective."

I just roll my eyes in response.

"Just relax Youichi."

Natsume just stands close to us watching me move Youichi across the surface of the water. He's beginning to make me feel awkward as I tell Youichi to move his arms. I'm glad my curtain of hair is cloaking me as I turn my back on Natsume who is watching us somewhat skeptically.

"Hotaru come back!" I hear Ruka shout.

I turn around in time to see Hotaru storm out the door with her laptop tucked under her arm. Ruka chases after her calling her name effectively leaving me alone in a pool with a boy I practically despise.

I focus all of my attention on Youichi putting my hands under his arms so he can be vertical in the water and move his arms and legs freely.

"He'll hit puberty at the rate you're going." Natsume says coming up behind me again this time much closer than before.

He slips his arms under my own and turns Youichi over on his stomach putting my forearms to support him in the water. His body is several inches from mine and he's still holding my forearms under the water making me move Youichi (who doesn't even look up) around in a small circle. My skin feels tingly and warm against his. Once again I'm finding myself grateful that I let my hair down because I'm pretty sure my cheeks are on fire.

"He needs to feel his weight in the water so he knows that he has to keep himself above the water."

Why is it that whenever you're in an embarrassing situation of a somewhat intimate nature, every sappy scene from every sappy movie pops into your head and makes you ten times more embarrassed than you were to begin with? Natsume is the last guy on earth I would cast in the role of male heart throb if my life was a romantic comedy, but the proximity of our bodies and the touching of our forearms is fueling unrealistic thoughts.

"He should have fun and not depend on you for every little thing." He says cutting through my thoughts.

"He does no-" I begin to say, but Natsume takes Youichi from my arms and I try not to look as panicked as I feel.

After his little incident with Anna, I don't trust Youichi's ability to 'play well with others'. The lack of emotion on his face as he looks up at Natsume quells some of my mounting anxiety. He just stares up at him and doesn't even blink as Natsume turns him over to lie on his stomach and tells him to kick and move his arms to stay afloat. I just watch as Youichi follows Natsume's instructions and kicks and waves his arms as hard as his little body will allow.

Ruka and Hotaru return a few moments later with Ruka looking triumphant and Hotaru looking bored clad in a green tankini with yellow swirls. Ruka is tugging her along much like I did early today. I wave at her and smile, she looks at me for a minute and breaks out of whatever trance Ruka has her under and pushes him into the pool with ease. I can't hold back my laughter as he lets out a yelp before hitting the water making a large splash. He returns to the surface sputtering, but Hotaru is already on the other side of the pool descending the stairs with a small smile on her face. I dog paddle over to her and sit on the step next to her and watch Ruka swim up. I don't think Hotaru could've picked a better contract boyfriend. My lapdog theory wasn't too far off although it did stem from paranoia.

Ruka is a good space filler because between Hotaru's silence, Natsume taking Youichi around the shallow end of the pool and me not wanting to really tell anymore lies, he just talks and talks; everything from school to sports. I told him I played lacrosse for a while and that sent him into an endless chatter about sports. He played lacrosse for his school team until he started the equestrian club. His mother donated a couple of horses and started a charity to raise money for underprivileged kids, some of those kids even got to ride horses at the school once in a while.

"That's amazing." I comment.

"Not really. My mom is eccentric and does everything to an extreme level. She bought some land next to the school and built the stables and fenced in the training circle."

"There should be more people like her in the world." I say imagining a blond goddess-type super heroine.

"I think the balance of the universe would be greatly disturbed if there was more than one Misa Nogi." Ruka replied half-joking, half-horrified.

We spend a couple hours in the pool swimming back and forth. Natsume put Youichi on his shoulders as he swam around the pool. Youichi waved his arms excitedly, but didn't say anything or even smile. He reached for me when Natsume was standing rather close to me and as I reached up to take him down, Natsume turned towards me and leaned forward. His face was practically paralleled with my chest so I wasted no time swinging Youichi off his shoulders and turning around to face Hotaru who's listening to Ruka talk about something that was obviously boring her.

We clamor out of the pool drying off with the towels some maids had brought in. I rub Youichi's hair with the white fluffy cloth and drape it over his shoulders. I wrap one towel around my hair and a second around my body and take Youichi's hand in my own walking towards the changing room.

"Your clothes aren't in there." Hotaru says walking towards me.

"Where are they?" I ask her as she floats pass.

"It's time for lunch. I've been informed that both my mother and brother are home so I cannot have you looking like a hobbit at the table."

"You're giving me clothes?" I say trailing behind her with Youichi in tow.

"I have every intention of charging you for them." She says matter-of-factly.

I shake my head with a small smile on my face.

This girl really grows on you.

* * *

><p>"It's too much." I say.<p>

Hotaru flipped a page in her book and didn't look up, "If you don't like it, just change."

"It's not that…" I defend weakly.

I'm standing in front of Hotaru's full body mirror in her bedroom wearing a rather expensive pale pink chiffon dress. After we followed her back to her room, there were several maids inside laying out outfits on Hotaru's obscenely large bed. They took Youichi into Hotaru's bathroom where there was a bath waiting for him. I don't know if it's the king sized tub filled with bubbles or having several girls waiting on him hand and foot, but Youichi definitely likes life in the Imai house. They helped him change into a pair of navy shorts and a white button down shirt and a gray vest slipped over it. He even let one of the girls comb his hair.

To say that I'm elated with his lack of outburst is a massive understatement.

I got to shower in one of the bathrooms down the hall after I was given a bottle of Imai brand shower gel, a wash cloth and a fresh pair of towels. The bathroom down the hall is just as amazing as Hotaru's personal bathroom. The interior is decorated like an enchanted forest with its pale green walls and vine-like molding. Little fairy candle holders and soap dishes adorned the sink counter. The bath is already filled with warm water that is tinged a light purple color and smells amazing for the post-shower soaking. I could hardly pry myself out of the lavish shower, but I didn't want the S.W.A.T. team sent in after me because I was already indulging a little too long, plus the water in the tub was beginning to cool to a lukewarm.

I was only in the tub for a few minutes before a soft knock came on the door and a voice told me Hotaru was ready for me. I questioned what that meant but there was no reply. So I just toweled off and made my way back to Hotaru's room. Hotaru's wearing a white single-shoulder dress that reaches her knees. The layered skirt material sways with her every movement and the sequined bodice glitters in the light. A simple snowflake pendant necklace decorates her chest and white stiletto pumps hug her tiny feet. She looked like such a grown–up I was taken aback by her like the first time we met. She seems to sparkle even without a smile on her face.

She walks around the rolling dress rack pushing fabrics aside. I'm interested to see the types of dresses Hotaru has, but she seemed to be looking for something in particular, so I just stayed quiet. Finally she plucked something off the rack and handed it to me. There's a dressing screen set up in the corner for me to slip behind and change. The dress fits perfectly snug around my body and doesn't require a bra which is good because I have no idea where Hotaru put my clothes. I was discreetly given underwear which was folded into the towel I received. It was still in the purchase package, but I had no fears about receiving a pair of underwear that Hotaru Imai had actually worn. She probably wears them once and then burns them for safety reasons.

Now here I stand on top of a small cushioned foot stool with maids busying themselves around me trying to make something of my tangled mess of wet hair and altering the hem of my dress to fall just below my knees. Hotaru waves off one of the maids carrying two pairs of shoes that obviously didn't please her. I finally got to step down from the stool and admire the dress that I know I will never be able to afford in a million years.

The style reminds me of the Roman fashions we studied during Cultural appreciation week at my school. We're not allowed to wear costumes to school during Halloween so the School board decided that Cultural appreciation week can both teach us and let us dress up. Each class sends a representative to draw a country from the principal's office and the whole week during history period we learn about our country and vote on ideas for our booth to be set up during the Cultural festival at the end of the week. The best booth gets to have an early release day at the teacher's discretion. Early release means no crowded streets or buses, getting the best table at the local hangouts, and for me specifically it means several school-free and Persona-free hours where I can go anywhere I want (typically the movies or the library). Our class didn't win, but we had a lot fun with our Egyptian maze and costumes. Our teacher was so proud of us that we had a pizza day during lunch period right before winter break.

That's one of my fonder memories of school. One that makes me kind of miss it because for a few hours every day I could pretend I was normal.

I admire my reflection for a moment: the dress falls right below my knees, twirling with the slightest movement, the wrap-like design makes it look as if one long piece of fabric is wrapped around my waist several times then brought up to cover one breast go behind my neck and brought down to cover my other breast and then fasten into a bow on my left side. I'm sure whoever made it used a lot more than one piece of cloth, but I like the simplistic look of it. One of the maids brings a pair of cotton candy colored heels to my feet and I wriggle my way into them.

And I thought my work shoes were ridiculous.

Not so surprisingly, working for hours a day almost every day on your feet in heels makes leisure time in heels very easy and not so painful. Plus the bows on the front make them absolutely adorable.

Hotaru gets up and struts around me like a sergeant for inspection. I've forgotten what my hair looks like blown out. A blow dryer is a luxury that I have long forgotten, but I forgot how straight and shiny my hair can look. They wanted to put it up, but I stopped them. I really want to enjoy my dry straight hair, so instead they loop the sides together and fasten it with a flower clip behind my head and dismiss themselves. Wordlessly, Hotaru deems my appearance acceptable and I follow her down the grand staircase and into the dining room where Natsume, Ruka, and Youichi are already seated.

The table is long surrounded by eights chairs placed in the very center of the room. A giant vase of tropical flowers stands proud and beautiful in the center of the shiny wood table. The surface has been polished to shine and even show a reflection of the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Chairs at both ends of the table are unoccupied; Natsume and Youichi sit on one side of the table looking disturbingly the similar with their dapper clothes and blank expressions. Ruka sits alone opposite them with a grin on his face upon seeing us.

"You guys look amazing." He says standing up to pull back Hotaru's chair.

"We don't need your hormone driven approval." Hotaru says slipping into her seat.

Ruka just keeps smiling at us. I slip quietly into the seat next to Youichi opposite Hotaru. I feel like I'm in some kind of alternate universe. Sitting across from a modern day princess and her prince for hire, their dark, brooding knight, and my brother and I are in disguise trying to mingle with people who are so clearly above us in every shape and form. But if it's one thing I've learned from spending quality time with the ice princess herself, is that I can't go through life lumping people into categories and judging them before I really know them.

If I never put myself out there and try to really get to know someone I won't end up wearing their expensive couture and sitting in their magnificent dining room about to have probably the best meal of my life.

"Oh Susan you know how much I adore you, but if I say it won't sell then it won't sell. I'm not about hand you a hundred grand so you can flush it down the toilet. Either come up with a new line by Tuesday or I'll give another designer your spot. Tootles!"

Hotaru's mother is _nothing _I expected.

I pictured a librarian looking woman with a tight bun fastened atop her head and piercing violet eyes; someone who always wears pantsuits and talks in a harsh tone. Someone who probably talks down to Hotaru a lot which would explain Hotaru's poor people skills, but Mizuki Imai is the exact opposite of everything I imagined.

First off, she's tall. Like probably almost six feet tall. Her hair is jet black like Hotaru's and cut in a cute pixie style. Her lips are coated in a pink shimmer and she's wearing a lavender cocktail dress with a white leather jacket and matching boots. She has several shopping bags hanging carelessly from one arm (I don't recognize any of the names but they look expensive). Her French tip manicure looks fresh as she plops down into the seat between Hotaru and me at the head of the table. Her voice is light and bubbly as she introduces herself and shakes my hand. I catch the faint smell of acetone.

"Mikan. That's a beautiful name. It reminds me of summer, which I can't wait for because I cannot stand the cold. I tell my husband we should just move to some place exotic when it's cold like this, but he won't hear of it."

"Where's Subaru?" Hotaru asks suddenly.

"He and Shizune are _still _with the wedding planner. Your brother is being so stubborn about the food. Sometimes I think sending him to med school was a bad idea: high cholesterol this and poor digestive quality that." She waves her hands dismissively.

"How was your trip Mizuki-san?" Ruka asks.

"Oh Ruka, you gorgeous boy," She says looking fondly at the blonde, "I swear you are the sweetest thing. How on earth did you end up with my daughter I will never know, but I am thankful." She giggles in the sweetest way and launches into a description of her flight to New York in the family jet. Shizune, who in addition to being Subaru's fiancée is also Mizuki's assistant, met her in the airport and got a private car to take her to the hotel where she 'slept like a log for eight hours straight'. Mizuki is the editor in chief of Vogue Japan and also the personal consultant for many designers famous and not. She gives the final say-so on everything from print to runway and she is not shy about her power.

"I was sick of being a model. Constantly pushed into and out of clothes. Finish one shoot and you're on a plane half way around the world about to walk the runway and when you finally get a break it's nothing but the gym and spas to stay in top condition. It was fabulous, don't get me wrong, but I just wanted to call the shots you know? I was more interested in the clothes than myself. When I quit modeling I met Hotaru's father and he inspired me to go after what I really wanted and I just never stopped working since. I gave birth to Hotaru at an airport on the way home. Little lady just decided she was ready to be born and before anyone could reach a proper doctor, an Air Marshall put my little six pound five ounce miracle into my arms. I thought I scarred my little Subaru for life, but coincidentally I think that was the moment he decided he wanted to be a doctor."

The way her stories just blend together when she talks makes me feel comfortable. She effortlessly goes from topic to topic without any awkward gaps or glances. She is perfectly comfortable talking about herself and her work. I, myself, have never been on a plane or even to Tokyo. I imagine Mizuki's life to be very glamorous. I've only seen New York in pictures, but it still enchants me that she's actually been there. She might as well have told me she's been to the moon.

"It's pure chaos, but it is a glamorous life." She shrugs, "So what have you guys been up to? Hotaru hardly ever has girlfriends over to the house. Do you go to the Academy?"

"No I'm home-schooled." I reply.

"How exotic. You must have lots of free time. Do you travel?"

"Not really and free-time is rare since I'm working to pay for college."

"Independence. I love to see that in a woman your age. Hotaru came out of the womb with it let me tell you. Never wanted help for anything. I had to practically force parenting on her sometimes just to feel like a mother. She and Subaru have always been so smart and stand-offish; sometimes I can't even believe they're my children."

She reaches across the table and squeezes Hotaru's hand, "But she will always be my little Ruru."

Hotaru just sits there bored as ever, "Where are the crab cakes?"

Lunch is an under the sea festival with different platters of fish, shrimp, crab, and lobster placed on the table with steam rising, sending an aroma of deliciousness into my nostrils. The servers place down each platter painfully slow and bow out. I wait for everyone to start taking their shares before I do anything. Traditional meals at my house usually result in overturned tables and broken dinner plates. I'm not sure how the well to-do go about their midday meals, but I hope not to screw up too bad like using a salad fork instead of a dinner fork.

I place rice into Youichi's plate and help him get some tasty crab cakes. I can feel Mizuki's eyes on me as I make sure Youichi has everything he wants before turning back to my own empty plate.

"You're so attentive Mikan-chan." She comments cracking a crab leg.

"Youichi's not comfortable around strangers so I have a full time job around him." I reply taking some rice.

"I wish my children were like you guys. They're so cold to each other." Mizuki says giving a shudder.

"I'm sure they love each other in their own way." I say giving a glance to Hotaru who is stuffing crab cakes into her mouth.

"Yeah in that looming silence kind of way." Mizuki says bitterly.

"Touchy feely isn't really Hotaru's thing." Ruka interjects.

"Which makes the relationship between the two of you even more questionable." Mizuki arches an eyebrow at them.

Mizuki seems to be the love-at-first-sight, fireworks, and grand gesture kind of woman. I don't think she'd be too pleased to know that her daughter is in a loveless contractual relationship with a boy.

No matter how 'gorgeous' he is.

"Madam, Master Subaru and Miss Shizune have arrived." A maid calls from the door.

"Well it's about time." Mizuki says wiping her hands in her handkerchief.

A tall male with straight dark blue hair and tan skin clad in a tailored grey suit enters the room followed by a girl with long black hair cut in a traditional style wearing a black pantsuit. She holds his forearm loosely with her small hand while he just looks ahead with a serious expression and a hand in his pocket.

"Did you finally decide on anything?" Mizuki asks with a big grin on her face.

"You mean did your son get frustrated with our wedding planner and storm out? Yes." Shizune says sitting in the empty chair next to Ruka adjusting the spectacles on her nose.

Subaru sits at the head of the table opposite Mizuki before he speaks, "If you want all of the guests at our wedding to suffer from indigestion and gas at the reception then you can go ahead. Well just move the wedding outside."

"Do you see what I have to work with?" Shizune says with a sigh.

Mizuki shakes her head, "I'll talk to Deidre tomorrow I'm sure we can work something out. Flexibility isn't in Subaru's dictionary."

Subaru scoffs and loosens his tie, only then did he seem to notice Youichi and myself and he then raises a questioning eyebrow.

Without anything being said Mizuki pipes up, "This is Mikan and her younger brother Youichi. Your sister has defied the odds and actually made a friend and a cute one at that."

I can feel my cheeks warm.

"That's not fair mother Hotaru has friends. Take these two for instance," Subaru says gesturing to Natsume and Ruka, "They're always here."

Natsume takes a sip from his glass and Ruka just laughs off the comment. The atmosphere gets a little colder, even Mizuki stops talking to take a long drink from her glass. I use the time to stick more food in my mouth and savor the exotic flavors. Everything is so delicious.

"Shouldn't you lot be in school? What? Has the academy gone lax on its truancy policy?" Subaru says.

"It's actually an off day for seniors who scored high enough on the assessment test given earlier this week." Hotaru answered before taking another crab cake.

"And the little one?" Subaru asks eyeing Youichi.

"We're home-schooled." I answer, my protective instincts kicking in.

What is this guy's deal? He makes Hotaru look like a cuddly kitten with that serious, condescending expression chiseled into his face.

"Well, Subaru has succeeded in killing the mood once again. Why don't you girls come with me to my bedroom? I've brought some wonderful things back from New York. Ruka and Natty-chan can take Youichi to the library or maybe the theater to keep you boys busy." Mizuki stands up grabbing her bags off the floor.

Hotaru takes her plate of crab cakes and follows her mother and Shizune to the door. Youichi looks at me and I rub his hair.

"You can go if you want to. I won't be too far." I say reassuringly.

He leaps off the chair and runs after Natsume who is already half way out the door. This silent bonding is beginning to scare me, but I don't have the luxury of worrying about it now because Mizuki is calling and heading in the opposite direction as the boys. Subaru wonders off by himself, probably to go and drown kittens or take candy from babies. I hurry to catch up to Hotaru and the others, throwing a last glance at Youichi who is following behind Natsume anxious to see what other toys the Imai house possesses.

Hotaru's parent's room is a big circular room decorated in a deep blue with black accents. The king sized bed with its mahogany frame has crisp white bed sheets with black vine-like designs embroidered into it. A blue plush blanket is thrown across the bottom half of the bed. A big trunk sits at the foot of the bed with a seat cushion on top for sitting on. A large vanity sits near the floor-to-ceiling windows that are draped in baby blue sheer curtains. This entire house can be the poster child for Better Homes and Garden magazine.

"Make yourself at home Mikan. Hotaru and Shizune are so uptight in here." Mizuki says throwing her bags carelessly on the bed and heading into her bathroom.

Hotaru and Shizune say nothing and plop down on top of the trunk's cushion seat, Hotaru chewing on the remainder of her crab cakes and Shizune tapping away on her cell phone.

I opt to sitting on the stool in front of the vanity. Mizuki reemerges from the bathroom barefoot and without her jacket. She doesn't look anything like a mom. I imagine what it would be like if Yuka and Mizuki ever met. Of course that would mean Yuka would actually have to be conscious and not drunk or high.

Yeah that would never work.

I haven't really thought about Yuka since I left. Mostly because I've been way too busy and exhausted to think about anything except money and survival, but part of me knows that I _can't _ think about her because then I'll start to worry and worrying about Yuka is not something I can afford to be doing ever. Whether she's eating, bathing, if she stopped drinking, or if she's even alive, and then the damn guilt starts to creep in. No matter how liberated and safe I feel being away from that house, I can't stop that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know Persona won't take time out of his busy drug hoarding schedule to take care of her and I don't know if she's even taking care of herself. There are times, mostly late at night, when I imagine what it would be like if I never left. It's ridiculous, I know, but there's a part of me that wonders if I tried hard enough to make things work at home. Maybe I should have called the cops, but they probably would've put Youichi in foster care and I couldn't bear that. And if the cops can't help you, you're pretty much screwed.

"Mikan?" a voice calls.

"Yes?" I say jerking my head up slightly embarrassed.

"What do you think?" Mizuki asks with outstretched arms.

Her lavender cocktail dress is tossed carelessly on the bed and she is wearing a long black dress that hugs her slender figure. It's completely bare back with a v-neck that does what Mizuki calls 'showing that I'm a woman, but still a lady'. I think it's her way of saying that it shows off just enough cleavage.

"It's beautiful. I love the crystal flower on the bodice." I reply.

"Finally! A girl I can talk to. Hotaru and Shizune don't really have opinions. You can't ask Hotaru anything when she's eating and poor Shizune is up to her eyeballs in wedding details."

Neither Hotaru nor Shizune look up, Hotaru is polishing off her last crab cake and Shizune is tapping away quite viciously on her phone. Mizuki moves in front of the mirror gathering her short hair in one hand and looking at her face from different angles. I take off my shoes and stand up. The plush white carpet feels cool and soft beneath my feet. She has several other dresses on the bed and midnight blue one catches my eye.

"How about this one?" I ask holding up.

Mizuki turns to me, releasing her hair and smiles, "Gorgeous, isn't it? But I don't think is suitable for a Gala with a bunch of stuffy suits." She says touching the soft material.

"What if you dressed it up with some nice jewelry and pinned up your hair?" I suggest.

"Pin up?" She contemplates.

"With those jeweled bobby pins like in the magazines, you'll look like a fairy goddess." I say.

She laughs, "Fairy goddess. I like it. I probably do have some of those pins lying around."

She searches for the pins in the drawers of her vanity table. Hotaru, who is all done eating, stands gracefully from her seat and crosses the room toward me.

"You were staring into space like an idiot."

I just smile, "I was thinking about my mom, a dangerous pastime."

Hotaru just looks at me, I nudge her with my elbow, "Don't worry I'm not going to burst into tears again. I just got a little caught up."

"Here they are!" Mizuki announces holding a small box over her head.

Hotaru flops down on her mother's bed kicking off her shoes in the process. I don't know how much time passed between helping Mizuki get ready for the Gala and pinning up her short hair with jeweled flower bobby pins. Hotaru even picked out her perfume. Shizune left halfway through to go find Subaru. I can't remember the last time I talked and laughed so much with an adult present. Even my teachers were bland and faded into the backgrounds of my daydreams, but Mizuki is full of fun and energy and bounces around the room commanding attention. She bought Hotaru a gorgeous cream-colored cashmere coat which she presented to her by wrapping her in it from behind. It was then that I noticed how alike Hotaru and her mother look with their violet eyes and short raven hair. Even Hotaru's small smile seems to mirror her mother's large beaming one.

Something inside me hurts and I find myself blinking away tears. Luckily Mizuki excuses herself to take phone call and Hotaru and I pad our way down the hall barefoot to go find the boys. We don't speak and I just focus on swallowing the lump in my throat. I didn't realize how much seeing someone else's mother would make me miss my own. Not Yuka, but my mom. The person she was before I stopped calling her mom. I shake my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts.

Hotaru stops walking and looks at me.

"What is it?" I ask.

"My mother is smothering you." She states bluntly.

I actually laugh, "No of course not! She's wonderful."

"Then why do you look so constipated? Was it the food?"

"No, no, I'm fine really."

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but you should know by now that lying to me accomplishes nothing."

I take a pause, "You're so lucky to have a mom who's so strong and full of life. She reminds me of Yuka. . . before."

Another pause between us makes me feel the sadness and guilt creep up. I put my hands over my stomach trying to quell the surge of irrational feeling building up in it.

"It's normal." She says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"To feel sad, confused, maybe even guilty. You abandoned her to a certain extent and every action has a consequence. Just because you left doesn't mean that things magically got better there. Running away didn't fix anything."

I can't even speak and my vision is starting to blur. She takes my shoulders in her hands and squeezes.

"Guilt. Sadness. Pain. Confusion. These are things you feel because you are alive to feel them. You are alive and you can go on living. You have to. For your own sake and for Youichi's."

I still can't form words so I smile and nod. I wipe my face with the back of my hands and follow Hotaru through her house to where the boys are in the media room. Explosions are going off on the 56 inch screen and the surround sound shakes the room and nearly deafens me. Instead of sitting in the leather recliners, Ruka, Natsume and Youichi are sprawled out on the floor with Youichi sitting on Ruka's back while the three of them play cards. Hotaru snatches up the remote and lowers the volume before sitting in one of the recliners.

"Is girl time over?" Ruka asks without looking up from his hand.

"It's always girl time, haven't you heard?" I reply without even thinking about it.

Ruka just laughs, "Well I hope you don't expect us to get our nails painted."

I sit on the floor next to him taking Youichi from his back and placing him in my lap, "Of course not. You will paint our toenails while Natsume feeds us fresh grapes and Youichi waves the giant fan."

Natsume scoffs.

"Oh I'm sorry Natsume-kun. Would you like to hold the fan?" I ask.

He makes eye contact with me and smirks which makes me uneasy for some reason, but I try not to let it show.

"Should we peel the grapes first?" Ruka asks.

"Yes and they must be green." I say matter-of-factly.

"Green grapes give Hotaru the runs." Ruka says with a straight face.

I nearly explode from laughing so hard and double over when the TV remote sails into the back of Ruka's head. We play a few hands of Old Maid and Gin with old movies playing on the television, even Hotaru played a few hands as long as there was a bet involved.

And just like that my entire day consisted of staying inside a palace swimming, eating fine cuisine, wearing expensive clothes, and playing cards with three unlikely people. I wriggle into my clothes at a quarter to five inside Hotaru's bathroom. I stare hard at my reflection as I pull my hair up into a ponytail. I feel different, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like the day I ran away, everything felt so surreal like any moment I was going to wake up in my bed back at that house with Persona lurking in my doorway.

But the days slowly went on and every time I woke up I was lying next to Youichi in an abandoned building feeling safer than I've ever felt and now we even have a little apartment to call home. Something Hotaru said is still bugging me though even after several hours of movies and card games.

_Running away didn't fix anything._

She's right, as always. Running away didn't get my mother off drugs or make Persona magically disappear. He's still out there selling drugs and probably destroying other people's families. I'm praying with every fiber of my soul that he doesn't come after us, but what if he does? What's going to stop him from dragging our sorry asses back to that prison? The police? He'll just say I'm a kidnapper and have me locked up and then I'll never see Youichi again and God knows what he'll do to him then. Just thinking about it sends a cold shiver crawling down my spine.

I have to stop acting like I've escaped to some impenetrable fortress a million miles away.

I grab my coat of the sink counter and exit the bathroom. Youichi is waiting downstairs with Ruka and Natsume while Hotaru is doing Hotaru stuff on her computer waiting for me to finish getting changed.

"Ready." I announce pushing my arms through my coat sleeves.

"Natsume is going to drive you home. He and Ruka are heading back to the club." She says without turning around.

"Oh okay. So I'll see you tomorrow?" I say.

"Is that a question? You'll be at work, I'll be at work, and assuming neither of us will lose our vision, you will for all intents and purposes 'see' me tomorrow."

I can't help but laugh. I know she's being like this on purpose. The whole friend thing is way weird especially with my background story involved.

"Hotaru? I need a favor." I say turning away from the door I had been walking towards.

She doesn't respond but I know she's intrigued.

"I need to adopt Youichi."

* * *

><p><em>Even I didn't see that one coming! Next chap should be a good one it's already in production!<em>

_Let me know what you think!_

_And as a side note PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no anal reviews about the adoption process. I did some research but for the most part I will be making it up. I'm going to try to stay as realistic as possible and not offend anyone, but it will be mostly stuff that I make up to help shape the story!_

_Cry me a river, Build me a bridge and Get Over it!_

_Lots of love!_

_Chi-chan_


	12. Tame

****_Hey hey hey readers,_

_You're head is probably spinning, no it is not a fake, it is not an author's note, it is an actual CHAPTER!_

_I'm so __proud of myself in updating twice in less than a week. See? I'm not completely heartless! I better get twice the reviews!_

_I apologize for any errors. I try to proofread, but it's like 2 am and I want to SLEEP!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: Tame<strong>

Hotaru didn't even turn around when the words came out of my mouth. She didn't even stop typing. The printer on her desk, modeled after a turtle for whatever reason, started to make a noise and it began spitting out sheets of paper. She stood up from her spinning chair and gathers the sheets once the printer had fallen silent. She flips through the pages and still says nothing.

"Did you hear me Hotaru?" I call out.

There is plenty of space between us, but I thought for sure she had heard me, but the violet-eyed girl just strode over to me and placed the stack in my hand.

"I have excellent hearing," is all she says before returning to her desk.

The first page on top of the stack has a government logo printed on it and **'National Japanese Adoption Registry' **written in big bold letters on the top. Was she looking at this the whole time? I can't help but ponder as I stare at the back of her head as she resumes sitting at her desk. My heart warms a little upon realizing what a phenomenal person I have been lucky enough to meet.

"I expect you to read those carefully and follow the instructions." She says cutting through my warm and fuzzy feeling moment with a blunt knife.

"Great," I moan, "homework."

* * *

><p>My newfound relationship with Hotaru didn't drastically change my work environment like I thought it would. I figured maybe I'd be a pariah and no one would want to be around me because they would fear anything they say being used as a tool to get them fired.<p>

But when I walked in through the back door of _Imai's _the following Saturday evening with Youichi in tow, I was greeted by Hoshio and Nobara who were both sitting in the lounge drinking coffee. They smiled and asked how my day off was and offered me some coffee. They were both working a double shift at the restaurant because Luna and two other girls called in sick. Judging by the looks on their faces when Hoshio said the word 'sick' I'm guessing that's far from the truth.

Youichi made himself comfortable on the lounge's couch with a book Natsume gave to him during our ride home yesterday evening. It was lying on the floor in the back seat of his black Porsche where Youichi and I were sitting. Let me just take a moment to say that the ride back to my apartment was amazingly comfortable in cozy leather seats that, get this, heat up. Heated seats that make my butt feel like it's a cake in an oven is the greatest invention known to man, especially after the temperature outside dropped about thirty degrees.

Natsume pulled up to the front of my apartment and turned to look at us as I opened the door to leave. He and Youichi made eye contact and he just nodded. Youichi tucked the book to his chest and got out of the car. I thanked them for the ride and pressed my code to get into the building. I watch Youichi somewhat wearily not really knowing what to think of this 'thing' between him and Natsume. I definitely don't want Natsume influencing Youichi's already fragile and stoic personality. I don't think my heart could take it if Youichi turned into some dark and mysterious womanizer sulking around in dark alleys. I want him to be happy and smile and laugh and play with other kids and live in a positive environment.

I hid the adoption information packet Hotaru had printed off under my sweater before going downstairs where the guys were waiting to take us home. I don't know what his reaction to it will be and it's not like I know what I'm doing exactly so I wouldn't be able to answer any questions he might have about it. Plus I haven't even had time to read more than the cover page since I almost overslept after crashing out on Friday night.

Saturday's shift was pretty uneventful except for catching the tail ends of conversations revolving around Natsume. How cute he was that night, his motorcycle, his eyes, and the alleged 'slut' he was with. The girl was actually really pretty with long black hair and a shimmering mini-dress that hugged and complimented her petite figure. She didn't look like any more of a slut than the rest of us. She sipped pink cosmos all night and had her hand permanently cemented to Natsume's upper thigh, but that was as far as the physical intimacy went which was odd considering that most of the girls that manage to get that close to Natsume make it top priority to try to force their tongues down his throat. Luna and Sumire, who both hate each other if I recall correctly, sat at the same table a few feet away and watched with bitter expressions on their faces.

Unite against a common enemy and all that.

As the blood alcohol level of the girl started to rise, her physical intimacy also elevated. She began to peck at his neck ever so often and her arm was draped over his shoulders. It was embarrassing and nauseating, but Natsume's lack of response made it a little more bearable. He looked a million miles away as always just sipping his beer from the bottle.

"Hey Sakura, bring this to that table over there. I have to pee!" another waitress yelled pushing her tray at me.

It was my first drink delivery and it actually wasn't too bad and I didn't screw up. Before the night was over I was delivering more glasses than I was picking up and my feet were killing me. All I wanted was a nice hot bath and some sleep, so that's what I did as soon as we made it into the apartment last night after I put Youichi to bed.

Now it's a little after seven in the morning on this chilly Sunday and I'm staring out at the sky as it begins to lighten with damp hair piled up in a bun and wearing just my sweatshirt while Youichi continues to sleep sprawled out on our futon. If I don't wake him he can usually sleep well into the morning, which gives me a few hours to just enjoy the quiet, plan our budget, count what's left of our money and calculate my paychecks. By next Saturday I will have enough money to get some electricity in this place and start buying some furniture. The classifieds in the local newspaper is a gold mine for gently used furniture.

I pull the stack of papers I have tucked away in an empty kitchen cabinet out and place it on the counter looking over to make sure Youichi is still fast asleep. Reading through the adoption packet is both insightful and frightening. The basics are all there like having to go through an agency whether public or private and then filing out the application and having to provide personal information, all of which will be reviewed and then rejected or accepted. Then there's the home study where an actual social worker comes to your house several times. Once for the initial meet where she gives a basic assessment of things needing improvement and then two more surprise visits at her discretion. The whole thing can last three months or even longer and then if everything checks out with a judge, you too can possess your very own small human. Hotaru included several pages about an agency called the **Ai Nagoya** **Agency** they apparently take on a lot of abuse cases in Nagoya. If Hotaru picked it, then she must have thoroughly researched them.

She included a copy of their application and the list of things they need from me: fingerprint, blood sample, proof of residency, form of identification, and a high school diploma. I release an annoyed sigh because I knew the whole high school dropout thing would come back to bite me in the tush. I flip the pages feeling a bit dejected when the next page catches me off guard. A high school equivalency exam pamphlet tucked in between the pages. The high school equivalency test is rumored to be a difficult exam on par with college entrance exams. Instead of the cop-out it appears to be, it is actually a difficult test given so that only those that are serious about their education can pass. I've heard it's a lot easier to just coast through high school for four years, which worries me. I was a good student at my school especially with all of my extra-curriculars decorating my record, but a big test gets me nervous and makes it hard to focus.

Five sections: reading, writing, math, science and a personal essay. The personal essay is the section where you tell them why you're taking the exam and how you think you did; points to Hotaru for her through-ness. Everything I need to pull this off literally in an organized stack, forms and all.

I start filling out the forms one by one with Youichi's personal information and my own. It's very satisfying to fill out because it's similar to knowing all of the answers to a test, unlike the forms I filled out at work several weeks before.

_Criminal Record?_

Potentially kidnapping, robbery, bribery, squatting.

I shake the disturbing thoughts from my head and check the box next to 'No'. As far as the cops and the government know I have a squeaky clean record. I fill out the rest of the forms surprising myself with how much I know about Youichi: his name, age, birthday, eye color, hair color, height, and even his weight. There are gaps in the paperwork that would have to be filled out with the social worker, but one of the blanks I already know how to fill.

Birthmother: Deceased.

I have no idea if Youichi's father was even part of the picture when his mother died. I don't even know if Youichi even knows who or where his dad is. The scuffling of tired feet into the bathroom snaps me out of my thoughts. He heads straight for the toilet and I use the time to gather all the paperwork and put it back in the cabinet.

"Morning sleepy head." I greet slipping into a pair of my jeans.

He rubs his eye tiredly and sits down on the futon.

"Ready for some breakfast? I thought we could go to that fast food place with those breakfast sandwiches. I know you like those." I say taking down my bun.

"I finished my book." Is his reply.

I just look at him for a moment as he takes the book out from under the futon, "You really like to read huh."

He flips through the pages of the manga looking as bored as ever, "I didn't bring any."

"We can get you some." I say packing my work clothes for tonight in Youichi's small duffel bag.

"We can't afford it." He says without looking up from the book cover.

"That's the beauty of reading, you don't need money just a card." I say.

He raises a skeptical eyebrow at me. I can only smile.

* * *

><p>The Nagoya Public Library is a large building two stories high. As we stride through the large oak doors, there is a dull chatter at the check-out desk between the aged librarian behind the counter and a middle aged woman. We stand a few feet behind them and look around. The white and black checkered tiled floor is scuffed from the high traffic of people entering and exiting the library. There is both a staircase and an elevator off to the right and next to it is a glass wall looking into the Children's Library where there are small children playing with toys on the large round rug and mom's helping their little ones pick out books. Youichi just watches the children, even as I fill out the paperwork for his library card, he just continues to stare.<p>

"Here you go You-chan." I say squatting down next to him.

He finally breaks his gaze from the playing children to look at the card in my hand and then at me.

"You're very own library card." I say with a smile.

He takes the card from me and turns it over in his hands. I start walking towards the Children's Library's glass door entrance, but Youichi stands rooted to the ground by the circulation desk. It isn't until I call his name that he walks towards and then pass me towards the entrance. I hold the door open for him and just watch as he looks around the room at the shelves stocked with colorful paperback and hard-cover books. I find myself wondering the aisles alone narrowly avoiding get trampled by several small boys chasing each other.

I have ulterior motives for taking Youichi to the library. The adoption agency is a block and half away from here and I have the papers tucked away in the duffel bag with my work clothes. I spot Youichi down one of the aisles with several books in his hands. I make my way over to him stepping over a little girl who is lying on her stomach with a large book stretched out in front of her.

"So You-chan I think I'm going to explore this place a little, maybe gets some books for myself. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"

"I'm not a baby." He replies.

"I know you're not a baby, but I don't want you to think I'm ditching you or something."

"You wouldn't break your promise." He says pulling another book off the shelf.

"No I wouldn't," I say rubbing his hair, "I'll see you in a little bit."

I slip out of the Children's Library doors and out the front entrance making sure Youichi doesn't see me. Feeling worried and a little guilty about leaving him, I jog the entire way to the adoption agency practically leaping up the front steps. As I enter the main foyer I try to slow my breathing. A plump receptionist sits behind a computer with a phone cradled between her ear and shoulder and her fingers busy typing away at her keyboard. She looks up at me and points to an empty waiting area. I sit on one of the uncomfortable plastic blue chairs fiddling with my fingers. After several muttered responses and a clack as she hangs up the phone, she waves me over.

"Can I help you?" she asks not looking up from her screen.

"Yes I'm here about an adoption." I say opening my bag.

"How many months are you?" she asks.

My cheeks flush red, "I'm not pregnant!"

She finally looks up at me and blinks behind her round spectacles looking confused.

"I have someone I want to adopt." I clarify handing her my papers.

She takes them, but doesn't look at them, "How old are you?"

"Eighteen." I say.

"You'll need to talk to Serina," she says handing all of the papers back to me, "She handles all of our 'special' cases."

"Where can I find her?" I ask.

She directs me up the wide staircase and down the hall to the office door of Serina Yamada. Through the glass window of the office door I can see a very beautiful platinum blonde woman writing something down on a piece of notepad paper. I tap lightly on the door and she looks up at me with light brown eyes. She looks tired and a little drained as she signals me to enter.

"How many months?" she asks me.

"I'm not pregnant." I say a little calmer this time, but still slightly insulted.

"I apologize," she says not at all sincerely, "We just get a lot of young mothers through here looking for assistance with closed adoptions."

"I'm actually looking to adopt." I say.

This peaks her interests, "Is that so?"

"Yes, I already filled out the paperwork." I reply handing her the forms.

She takes them from me and looks through them, "Interesting, deceased mother and the whereabouts of the father unknown. Sounds like 'Youichi' should be a ward of the Japanese government, yet here you are ready to adopt him."

"He's like a brother to me and I just want to be able to provide for him."

"So this is about money." She says placing the forms into a manila folder.

"No," I say firmly, "I just need things that only the government can provide so I can enroll him in school."

She just stares at me for a moment, "What is your name?"

"Mikan."

"Well Mikan I hope you know what you are about to get involved in. The adoption process in this country is very rigorous and any little thing at any given time can give the goverment authority to take this boy, who I am assuming is already in your care, away."

"Yes he is and no offense but I've practically been taking care of him his entire life."

"That's all well and fine, but the fact of the matter is you are not a blood relative and if we can find a better place to put Youichi, we can forcibly remove him from your care."

My heart feels cold, but I don't let her see that her words have affected me, "I am aware of that, but there is no better place for Youichi than with me. I know and understand him and he has faith in me. No one can love him more than I do."

My words shock even me. The word 'love' is not something that I throw around. I haven't really used it with such gravity since my dad died. I say things like I love this band or I love cake, but to say that I love another person is something I haven't done in nearly a decade. But in my heart I know that I have loved Youichi this entire time. Cared for him, protected him, cried for him, and sacrificed for him. Loving him is just something that comes naturally after all we've been through together.

"Well then let's see. You have two jobs, but no diploma. Youichi is not enrolled in school and you live in a one bedroom apartment. Who sleeps in the bedroom?"

"No one. We sleep on a futon in the living room."

"I see." She says scribbling something down.

"It's not ideal, but we do have a roof over our head."

"Uh-huh. And where are your parents?"

"My father died a long time ago and my mother is not the best influence right now." I reply.

She folds her hands together and rests her chin on them, giving me a hard look, "I'm going to honest with you Mikan, there is a lot of work to be done and not a lot of time to do it with a case like yours. Legally you are an adult, but Youichi is still a minor and it is my job to make sure that he is in a safe, loving environment. It is also my job to make sure you provide and maintain those conditions. Let's say I take your word that Youichi is best suited to be in your care because of the bond you two must have from a rough family home life, I can't just let you adopt him because of that."

"I just need you to tell me what to do to make this happen. I _need _this to happen."

She looks at me for a moment and sighs, "I can advise you, but it is out of my hands once the social worker gets involved. You have a place to live and that's great, but it's need to be fully furnished and Youichi needs to have his own bed. You need to get him into school I can give you some temporary files that will help you do that until the adoption becomes official. As for you, you need to get yourself a diploma, I'm assuming that you are looking into the equivalency exam?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good. Pass it. And don't just pass, excel. Passing is great, but a good score can help us push the odds in your favor. Invest in a more mature wardrobe; appearances can also help if you look more maternal. Youichi needs to be under supervised care as well so if you can successfully get him into school you need to arrange safe travel there and back home every day. Encourage him to take part in extra-curriculars, maybe music or art or even sports. If you want to pull this off you have to be supermom. You need to cook, clean, and keep up all appearances of a good parent. If you can do that, I don't see any trouble with the adoption."

"Really?"

"I know it may seem like we're tyrants yanking kids out of one home just to drop them into another, but we would never want to remove a child from an environment he or she is happiest in. Just bring all of requirements up to speed and Youichi will be all yours in no time."

"Thank you so much!" I practically squeal.

She stamps the top of my file with a **'PENDING' **stamp and places it off to the side. Her dismissal is similar to Hotaru in that she just goes back to her work and pretends that the other person just disappeared into thin air. I bow my head in thanks and respect and hurry my way back to the library, not giving a damn that the receptionist was staring at me like I had a tail.

I find Youichi sprawled on the couch with a stack of mangas next to him. A group of girls are sitting on the floor several feet away and they keep looking over at him and giggling. I try to figure out what's so funny, but judging by the blush tingeing their cheeks I'm guessing they're not laughing at him. I shake my head trying not to laugh at the cuteness of it.

"Ready to go, my little stud muffin?" I say biting back my laughter.

He looks at me with an arched eyebrow, but picks up his stack of about ten books and leads the way back to the entrance door. Unbeknownst to him, his little group of admirers watch him leave, still giggling.

It wasn't until we were finished with lunch at a nearby fast food restaurant that I finally had enough courage to begin 'the talk'.

"You-chan, I want to talk to you about something." I begin.

He just continues slurping down his milkshake, but his eyes are on me.

"I have to take precautions against Persona because even though I'm ninety-nine percent sure he won't ever find us there is a chance that he might and I need to have a plan B in case that happens."

He doesn't respond, but the slight widening of his eyes tells me that he is worried.

"Don't worry, we're not going to keep moving around. Actually we're going to do the opposite. I'm going to get you into school and hopefully adopt you."

"Adopt?" he repeats.

"Meaning that you will legally belong in my care and if anyone tries to take you away from me, I can just call the police. You and I will be legally bonded to one another. I will be like your foster mom/sister."

He stares at the surface of the table and says nothing. I guess he's letting it sink in.

"It's going to be great, you'll see." I say before draining my own milkshake.

We sit there in silence for a bit mulling over our thoughts. My brain is trying to wrap itself around how much needs to be done before a social worker gets involved. I mentally take notes of the furniture we would need: a bed, a couch, coffee table, kitchen appliances, hangers for clothes, a bureau, towels, and the list goes on and on. Thank goodness for newspaper ads.

Youichi doesn't say anything as we begin our journey towards _Imai's,_ it's a little early to be going in for my shift, but I need to pick up a newspaper and get some information about local schools so hopefully Hoshio or Nobara are in the break room when I get there.

Almost an hour later we're finally in the lounge, Youichi and his stack of books have taken over one of the couches by the TV and I am circling moderately priced, gently used housewares. It isn't until Anna drops several Tupperware bowls filled with cake in front of me that I take my mind off of my looming situation.

She is out of breath with flushed cheeks and her hair is in a sloppy bun with stray strands sticking out in a million different directions.

"Uh hi?" I greet as she plops down into the chair next to me completely out of breath.

"Hey." She says after catching a few breaths.

"What's with the cake attack?" I ask looking at the various Tupperware bowls.

"All of my specialties. I started baking at four this morning. They finally called about my interview. It's in one week from tomorrow! And they're sending—You won't believe who they're sending! Miss Jacqueline Quinby! She's going to be in Japan on business and she's going to do only a hand full of interviews and I got one! Me!"

I grab her hand, "Anna! Breathe!"

She takes several deep breaths and rubs her temples, "I know I've been freaking out since they called yesterday. It's like my whole life is going to be decided in seven days and it's like I've forgotten how to crack an egg."

"You are going to do an amazing job. This Jacqueline person is going to love you and if your cakes taste as good as they look you have nothing to worry about." I say reassuringly.

"Thanks Mikan-chan. I just need to stop freaking out." She says with a sigh.

"Next item of business: Why on earth are you carrying so many cakes around?" I ask stacking the bowls on top of each other.

"Well I figure I can practice and have people critique me at the same time. My mother is up to her elbows in my cakes and she told me I need to go pawn them off elsewhere. I figure I'd talk to Hotaru and maybe give her best customers one of my cakes as a little thank you gift and get their feedback."

I nod, "Sounds like a good plan."

"Except this one. This one is for You-chan." She says pushing a strawberry cheesecake towards me.

Youichi, who comes out of nowhere, takes the bowl from me and goes back to his spot on the couch without a word.

I shake my head and grin sheepishly, "Well at least we know someone who loves your work."

"Best little critic I've ever had," She says with a smile, "Ugh I must look like a slob! Be right back!"

She disappears through the doorway as Nobara comes sauntering in.

"I guess hurricane Anna has blown through here." She says giggling at the mini mountain of desserts stacked in front of me.

"Yep and she just dropped several pounds of desserts in front of me." I comment.

Nobara helps me get all of the desserts into the fridge and notices my furniture hunt spread across the table.

"Looking for some furniture?" She asks.

"Uh yeah I just got my own place actually. Nothing fancy I just couldn't be with my grandparents anymore."

"Are you okay?" she says sitting down across from me.

"Yeah, it's just I'm sick of homeschool and my granddad can be really strict sometimes. So we had this big fight and we moved out."

"Wow, that's insane!" Nobara chuckles.

"Believe me I know." I say going back to the newspaper.

She gasped very loudly and looked possessed for a moment, "Oh my god! Housewarming party!"

"What?"

"Trust me Mikan, the best way to get some of this stuff without spending a dime is to throw a party and force people to get you stuff!"

"No I couldn't, the place is completely barren, I don't even have lights yet!"

"Even better! That way nothing gets broken, and we can throw the party during the day and then move it to the club for a little after hours celebration."

"Hey Nobara-chan!" Anna greets coming back into the lounge with her hair pulled up into two pigtails with gentle curls.

"Oh Anna-chan! We're throwing Mikan a housewarming party!"

"No we are not." I protest.

"That is such a good idea! Wait I thought you lived with your grandparents?"

"She's going out on the lamb." Nobara replies.

The next half-hour is dedicated to the planning out of party details in spite of my meek protests. They schedule it for next Sunday making it a brunch party. Anna will bring food and get her friend Yuu to bring some music and start organizing some invitations. Nobara is in charge of drinks, gift registry, and staying on top of the guest list. I reiterate how small my apartment is, but once again I seem to be talking to myself.

Well it looks like I'm throwing a party.

* * *

><p>My stomach is in a million knots all week long. Between Anna, Nonoko, and Nobara's party planning, Serina Yamada leaving a message with Tsubasa about my next appointment with her a week from Wednesday (good or bad news is yet to be determined), Natsume hanging out in the lounge with Youichi, Hotaru handing me stacks of study materials for the equivalency exam, and realizing I have nothing to wear to my own party, I think I'm going to pass out.<p>

Finally Pay-Day Saturday has come and passed and I had more than enough money to pay Tsubasa and get electricity in my apartment. He looks at me with that grin and rubs my head. I tell him that he can no longer treat me like a kid, but I go against that when I flip the light switch on and off about a hundred times squealing like a child. Youichi just gives me a blank look and rolls his eyes.

Thanks to Ruka I learn about the Alice Academy transfer exam that Youichi can take. It's a K-12 school so once I get him in and can afford the tuition he'll be squared away with a top of the line education. I'm a little terrified about the tuition costs, but there's no harm in letting him take the test on Monday.

My Sunday starts at seven a.m. with cleaning and laundry. I fold and stack our clean clothes and put them away in one of the empty cabinets. I stash away all of my personal things just in time before Anna, Nobara, and Nonoko show up with food, chairs and a boom box. They begin setting up for the party which starts at two o' clock. Hotaru shows up (much to everyone's surprise) with a gift that she places on the counter and then takes a seat in a chair not bothering to help setup. I'm curious as to what's in the blue box wrapped with a red ribbon, but I leave well enough alone and continue setting up chairs. Youichi sits next to Hotaru with one of his books and she actually pets his head and a flash goes off. Anna has one of those wind-up disposable cameras with her and she gets several shots of the party preparations.

The food looks really good considering Anna prides herself on being a pastry chef exclusively. She prepared several trays of deviled eggs and other finger foods that looked positively yummy. I change into one of my pleated skirts and a button down shirt with my work heels. I toss my hair up into a pony tail and mentally prep myself to play gracious hostess. According to Anna a lot of people will be passing through. I asked her why but she just smiled and didn't respond. She looked rather nervous, but I didn't have time to dwell on it as I spotted Youichi almost knocking over the deviled eggs tray because he's too short to reach the tempting treats.

My party is in full swing by quarter to four. Suspiciously the majority of the guests are females I've never seen before, but when I try to ask Anna about it she scurries off somewhere. I have to hand it to Nobara though, she wasn't kidding when she said I'd score with this party. The boxes on my countertop are spilling over onto the floor. I feel like a kid at Christmas time that has to wait painstakingly till Christmas morning to tear into the colorful paper.

I smile and laugh with Nobara, Anna, and Nonoko like I do this kind of thing all the time. My apartment door can't even close as people are constantly flowing in and out and loitering in the doorway. I pray that my neighbors aren't super uptight, it's not like we're making that much noise really.

Imagine my surprise when Sumire, Luna and several other ladies looking like high price call girls saunter into my apartment striding right up to me.

"You call _this _a party?" Sumire comments looking around at everyone in casual dress eating deviled eggs and having a good time.

"Um yeah. It's Sunday afternoon what did you think it was going to be?" Anna replies in my stead.

"Well if Natsume doesn't show we are so out of here." Luna says.

I nudge Anna sharply with my elbow. So that's how she got all these people here. Tell the girls Natsume is coming and they will follow and the guys hoping to get his rejects follow as well. I'm glad he hasn't shown up yet, it might cause a riot.

"Don't you have any manners? This is a housewarming party." Hotaru says standing next to me.

Sumire narrows her eyes at me even though it was Hotaru who spoke. She pulls her rather large purse off her shoulder and digs through it finding her wallet. She takes several bills out of it and hands it to me. I open my mouth to protest.

"That goes for the rest of you as well." Hotaru cuts in.

By the time all of the girls ante up, I'm holding a huge stack of money in my hand. They saunter away towards the beverages.

"Oh my gosh Hotaru." I say staring at the bills.

"Don't thank me." She says taking one of the bills of the stack and disappearing through the crowd toward the door.

"If I knew parties were this profitable, I'd throw one every week." I say counting the cash.

Forty thousand yen in like five minutes and I didn't have to do anything except stand there and take it. Part of me feels really guilty, but another part of me is really excited.

"I can't believe they just handed it over like that." I say handing the money to Anna for safe keeping.

"That's what crazy rich girls are like. They just throw money away like it's nothing especially where Natsume is concerned. For Sumire's sweet sixteen she made her dad buy her this jet so she could go to Paris for the weekend with her 'closest' friends, but really it was a setup for a weekend getaway with Natsume. The egg was on her face when Natsume didn't even show up. He went to his sister's piano recital instead." Anna informs me.

"Natsume has a sister?" I ask in shock.

"Yeah she's about You-chan's age." Nonoko says handing me a drink.

Speaking of Youichi he disappeared into the bedroom to finish his book in peace. I'm trying to make my way through the crowd when a soft thud on my head catches my attention.

Well if it isn't the life of my party.

"Natsume-kun." I greet a little sourly.

He isn't deterred and just hands me the small box, "It's for the kid."

"He has a name you know. You should know it by now with how much you stalk him and all." I say.

He shoves his hands into his pockets, "Do you pride yourself on being a total bore or is it included in the moron package?"

"Funny, especially coming from a womanizing narcissist." I retort.

"If you want me all to yourself all you have to do is ask."

"Please don't make me lose my lunch. Your fan club is here; maybe you can make Sumire and Luna mud wrestle for you. That outta pick things up." I say with mock enthusiasm continuing to the bedroom.

I slip into the empty bedroom where Youichi is sitting on the half folded futon engrossed in his book. He looks up at me and I just smile.

"For you. From Mr. Holier-than-thou."

He raises an eyebrow at me and takes the box from me. I slide down the wall to sit next to him, half curious about the gift and half exhausted from being on my feet so long. Youichi slowly peals the ruby red paper off the white box as if he's scared to open it. Finally he opens the box and nestled into Styrofoam casing is a pocket watch the same one Edward Elric carries around on Full Metal Alchemist. Youichi rolls it over in his hands and opens it 'Don't Forget .10' is inscribed on the inside.

"Do you like it?" I ask him.

He nods his head and closes the pocket watch, "I wish we burned our house down." He says after a moment of silence.

"Why?" I ask more intrigued than surprised.

"Because then we couldn't go back, even if we wanted to. Persona would have had to move away."

"Well burning down a house in a book is a lot different than burning one down in real life." I say.

"I know, but it would have been cool to watch."

I smile, "Yeah it would have."

The party continues on till six when everyone starts heading over to the _Imai's _bar for happy hour, leaving me with mountain of gifts, an envelope of money, and a huge mess in the living room and kitchen. I have to practically shove Anna, Nonoko, Nobara, and Hotaru out of my apartment. They insist on helping to clean and take inventory(except Hotaru who just wanted to stay and eat), but I tell them that I'm going to take Youichi out to dinner and clean up afterwards and they should go have fun, plus I have nothing to wear. They leave a little disappointed, but I promised to go out with them next time and they saunter off.

Youichi, having the same thought as me, starts moving the boxes from the kitchen into the living room. I help him and one by one we tear through the boxes.

A box of bright red high quality pots and pans from Anna, a complete pale green bathroom set from Nonoko with mats, towels, hand lotions and soaps, an official Imai invention coffee maker from Hotaru, and a vanity set from Nobara with make-up, hair brushes, and even a blow dryer.

Gotta love the power of friendship.

I manage to rack up:  
>A toaster<br>Two microwaves  
>Several gift certificates for Bed, Bath, and Body<br>Tupperware of various sizes  
>Silverware<br>A box of bright orange plates, mugs and bowls  
>A tea kettle<br>An iced tea jug with four brightly printed glasses  
>Wind chimes<br>Several photo frames ranging from single to collage  
>Kitchen accents<br>Dozens of last minute knick-knacks  
>And a couple of flowers vases<p>

A knock on my door makes me leap out of my skin. I scramble up off the floor and narrowly avoiding falling on top of one of my two microwaves. I fling the door open expecting Hotaru or maybe even Ruka, but it was Tsubasa holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Wow! They're beautiful!" I say reaching for them.

He pulls them just out of my reach, "Who says they're for you?"

He gives me that grin and hands the bouquet to me and looks around the apartment.

"So this is what happens when you get a little electricity huh? No more work, just party, party, party."

"It wasn't my idea. My friends from work went a little overboard." I defend.

"Well judging by the size of your loot, you have some really good friends."

"Yeah, I really do."

"Well I would feel like a bum if I didn't bring you something so I got flowers. If it helps I got the most expensive ones."

"You didn't have to get me anything and besides I absolutely love them. Especially in my new vase." I say picking up one of the vases on the floor

"Well I have to get back to the desk. Do you need any help?" He asks looking around at the mess.

"No I think we've got it under control."

He ruffles Youichi's hair and closes the door behind himself. I fill the glass vase with water and start cutting the ends of the flowers. My mother taught me to cut the stems at a slant before placing them into a vase. I forget why, but I do it anyway. I'm sliding the last flower into the vase when the bathroom door opens and Natsume slinks out. I just blink at him as he leans against the doorframe like it's the most natural thing in the world.

"Oh God. You're not doing. . . _that_ in my bathroom are you?" I say waiting for some little tart to slink out behind him.

"Tch." Is his response as he takes his long strides towards the counter where I am arranging the flowers.

I try not to look at him, but can't help but notice how fitted his black v-neck tee is. His chest is toned and his hair is in its usual tousled style. Does he even brush it? Or does he just roll out of bed and not even bother? His leather jacket is worn like he's had it a long time and doesn't wear anything else.

"Shouldn't you be juggling groupies or something? Why are you hiding out in my bathroom?"

"You ask a lot of questions." He comments.

"I have a curious nature especially when it comes to guys hiding in my bathroom." I reply placing the discarded pieces of stem into the trash bag sitting on the floor.

"Ever heard that 'curiosity killed the cat'?"

"Ever heard 'the party's over, you can get out now'?" I retort quickly.

He just leans against the counter and looks around the apartment, "What a dump."

"No one is asking you to stand in it." I say collecting the trash.

Youichi helps me collect the trash while Natsume just stands there like a lump. What is he still doing here? Maybe he's just curious about my living situation. He looks around the room like he's checking inventory. No furniture, no lamps, not even a fridge. I'll have to measure the spot where the fridge is supposed to go before I pick out a new or gently used one.

"If you're going to stay the least you can do is help, unless the mighty Natsume doesn't do hard labor?" I say as I hold the bag out to him.

To my surprise he takes it and holds it open while Youichi dumps the rest of the wrapping paper and empty boxes inside. I busy myself with cleaning the bathroom and putting out Nonoko's gift: placing down the mats on my lemon fresh floor, hanging the towels on the rod next to the shower and placing the soaps and lotions around the sink and in the medicine cabinet. There's even a cup to put our toothbrushes in. I make a mental note to buy new ones. By the time I finish making the bathroom lemon-fresh and pretty, Natsume and Youichi have cleared the floor of garbage and Youichi is getting the bucket and the rags for the floor. I busy myself in the kitchen putting up the appliances and clearing away the leftover food. I can't refrigerate them, so I settle for eating while I work.

I look over at Natsume and Youichi and hold back a laugh. Youichi is on the floor, a hand on each rag, while Natsume is holding him by his legs and sliding him back and forth across the floor like a human mop. I hate to admit that they look good together, but with Natsume's bad boy-ness and Youichi's cuteness and their matching expressions they look almost like brothers. Natsume is the last person I would want to be a role model for Youichi (as if I can't say it enough), but if some male bonding opens him up a little who am I to stop it.

Besides I have a more pressing issue at hand like which microwave I'm going to keep.

I stare at the two boxes comparing their details, but I know nothing about microwaves. I should just open the boxes and pick which color I like better. That's what girls do right?

Natsume dumps the bucket of dirty water down the kitchen sink and gives Youichi the empty bucket. They made quick work of the floor and even piled the living room gifts in the corner. Natsume pops one of the remaining deviled eggs into his mouth and stands next to me looking at the microwave boxes.

"You wouldn't happen to be an expert on microwaves would you?" I say still staring at the boxes.

"Go with that one." He says pointing to the slightly bigger box.

"Why because it's bigger?"

"And it probably costs more." He adds.

"Just because something costs more doesn't mean that it's better. Sumire and Luna should attest to that."

I suddenly find myself caged between Natsume and the countertop with his hands on either side of me. Youichi is in the bathroom getting ready for bed luckily. The last time a guy was this close to me it didn't exactly end well.

"You don't scare me." I say defensively.

"Maybe you should be scared." He responds.

"I've squished things more frightening than you."

"So you want to squish me?" He says making his voice deeper and quieter, leaning closer to my face till all I can see is ruby eyes.

A feeling in the pit of my stomach is unsettling something between disgust, fear, and something else. I'm not afraid of Natsume, but the lack of the ability to move away from him right now is terrifying. I'm not disgusted by his proximity because he smells really good and his eyes are trained on me like a skilled hunter. That's what he is though: a hunter. A lion looking for his wounded zebra.

I am a gazelle.

I slowly move my hand from my side and touch his cheek savoring the sensation of electricity flowing through my fingertips; he leans in a little closer. He thinks he's got me and I'm going to melt under that smoldering stare that must have brought many a women to their knees.

In your dreams pretty boy.

I squeeze his face making his lips do the duck pout thing and he looks bewildered as I push his face away from mine. I can't help but laugh. He really thought he had me and maybe for a minute he did, but it would be a loss for girl-kind if I give in to a guy like that.

"You didn't really think that would work did you?" I say laughing walking around him to take the smaller microwave box off the counter and put it in its own resale/return pile.

"You've never been kissed." Natsume says matter-of-factly.

"Maybe I have maybe I haven't."

"I can spot a virgin."

"It doesn't matter because I'm never going to kiss you. Ever."

"Never say never tangerines." He responds toying with a strand of my hair.

I swat his hand away just before Youichi comes out of the bathroom dressed in his pajamas. I help him set up the futon on the living room floor and tuck him into the sheets with his book. Natsume, who's rubbing his face where I squeezed him, walks around us as if he doesn't know what to do with himself. The image of his lips being ridiculously pouty like a fish will keep any weird thoughts at bay.

"Thanks for your help, but Youichi is ready for bed and I have some things to prepare for tomorrow." I say.

He doesn't respond and just walks to the door with a smirk, "Aren't you going to escort me out?"

"You're a big boy. I think you can figure it out."

He scoffs, "Absolutely no manners."

I roll my eyes and walk him out of my apartment and down the stairs. Tsubasa arches an eyebrow at us, but I smile and wave to assure him that I'm fine. I walk with Natsume right till we're outside the main entrance.

"Satisfied?"

He touches the side of my face tucking a lose lock of hair behind my ear, "Not for a long time."

I was about to ask him what he meant by that, but I could only stare at him as he walked off down the darkening street. I had assumed he drove here, but he just kept walking until he disappeared around the corner. My face feels a little hot where his fingers had lingered. I understand his popularity with the female population with eyes like that it's really no surprise.

I rub my arms for some warmth. The night air is chilly, but I stand there for a while longer as if expecting Natsume to come back and make some obnoxious comment so I can great rid of this weird feeling in my stomach. I force myself to move from the spot and go back inside where Tsubasa has a weird look on his face.

"What?" I ask going over to the desk.

"You know that guy?" He asks nodding toward the door.

"Know is a relative term. That's Natsume. He's a jerk, but totally harmless." I

"I know who he is, you obviously don't."

"Someone is a little testy. The guy is a womanizer and a total pain, but he's not as scary as people peg him too be." I find myself saying.

"Mikan, Hyuuga is bad news. You really shouldn't get involved with him." He advises.

"You sound just like Sumire, but I'm more inclined to listen to you since you don't make-out with him on a regular basis. Do you?" I tease.

"Mikan I'm being serious. That guy is trouble. Rebel without a cause and what not." He says lighting a cigarette.

"I'm not following you."

"He comes from one of the wealthiest families in Japan. His dad owns like a dozen companies and his mother is a surgeon. Their house is enormous and they have estates all over the world, but there is something seriously off with that kid. He's always moping around and hanging out in shady alleys with even shadier characters." He clarifies.

"You sound like you're setting up the background to a really typical drama." I say hoisting myself up on the desk.

"Mikan I mean it. Be careful." He states more firmly.

"Natsume Hyuuga does not scare me and more importantly I have no interest in spending 'quality' time with him. He came to a party and stayed in the bathroom the whole time."

"Probably shooting up." Tsubasa mutters bitterly.

"I know a drug user when I see one. Natsume doesn't do drugs. What's with you anyway? You seem to really hate him."

"I don't like spoiled little rich guys who think they have it so hard." He declares.

I jump off the desk and say goodnight. This conversation is going nowhere and neither is the bitterness in Tsubasa's tone. He reminds me of myself with how judgmental I was with Hotaru and everyone. Maybe Natsume's lifestyle is glamorous, but maybe he has some demons in his closet just like everyone else. Just because he doesn't live his life the way Tsubasa thinks he should doesn't mean he's a bad guy. I've lived with a 'bad' guy for three years with drugs and drinking constantly around me, I'd know a bad guy if I saw one. Natsume may be a womanizing pain in my ass, but I can handle him.

And by handle him I mean not get involved with him at all.

* * *

><p>"To put it simply, Youichi is a genius."<p>

"I'm sorry?" I repeat for like the third time.

Monday morning Youichi had an eight a.m. transfer exam at Alice Academy which is a million times more luxurious than my old school. There's a stone wall surrounding the school and a security guarded front gate. We were escorted to the Registration office where I filled out Youichi's paperwork and handed him off to a very effeminate looking gentleman with blonde hair. The name on his tag reads "Narumi" and he seemed nice enough. The test is four hours long and covers all subjects. I think it's all a bit much for a kindergartener, but clearly this is not your average school. Narumi leads Youichi to a small room with several desks and a chalkboard inside. All of the test materials are spread across the first desk closest to the window.

I had twenty minutes to get to work on time, but I felt weird about leaving Youichi alone for so long. But like any responsible guardian I fed him a big breakfast and brushed his hair. I even tucked in his shirt and gave him a bottle of orange juice before the test. Narumi-sensei assured me that he would call me as soon as Youichi was done, but that most kids take the whole four hours. I kiss Youichi's head and scurry off to work feeling pretty good. I do baby Youichi a little, but I knew he could handle a little test. I reassured him that it was no big deal and to take his time.

When Narumi called Imai's asking for me, I expected the worst because it was barely after ten. I asked Misaki to cover my tables and jogged all the way to bus stop. Once I got to the school a pit started to form in my stomach. Youichi sat completely disinterested in one of the chairs facing Narumi-sensei's desk. The expression on Narumi-sensei's face was thoughtful, but it told me nothing else. I sat down in my big coat that I put on over my waitress outfit because I didn't even think to change my clothes.

"Well Miss Sakura it is highly unusual that we call on the guardians so early after the start of the exam, but when I found Youichi-kun asleep on the desk I figured it was time to call you."

"You slept?" I say looking at Youichi, "Does that mean he got a zero? Because I mean he still technically has an hour and a half left."

"There's no need Sakura-san." He says taking a dramatic pause, "He passed."

"He what?" I reply as if the man had just spoken gibberish.

"Passed. A perfect score actually only a hand full of students have ever accomplished this and fewer still in less than two hours."

I feel dizzy "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that Youichi-kun is a promising student and we would love to have him here on a full scholarship."

"F-full scholarship?" I feel a little dizzier like the world is spinning too fast dizzy.

"He's a promising genius most likely. It's quite incredible."

"G-genius?" it's like I don't even know how to form sentences anymore.

"If you would just fill out this form and sign off I would be glad to welcome Youichi-kun to our school."

I hold my hands up as if trying to stop time, "Hold on a second, I'm still wrapping my head around this."

"Well to elaborate we will take care of all of Youichi's school fees: uniforms, lunches, books, as long as he maintains an A in all of his classes."

"For how long?" I ask.

"As long as Youichi keeps his grades up. If his Transfer exam is any indication I can see him at the top of his class in no time."

I turn to Youichi, "Do you like this place? I mean we can try a more typical school."

Youichi looks up at me, "We should work hard together."

I pet his head, "Okay."

I fill out his clothing sizes and sign off on his emergency contact card. Before long, Youichi is clad in an official Alice Academy uniform and boots. He looks positively adorable and I make a mental note to take a picture of him before developing the film in the disposable camera Anna left me.

"I'll be glad to show Youichi to his classroom. The last bell rings at three o' clock."

"Then I'll see you at three o'clock." I say kneeling down to give Youichi a hug which he squirms out of.

"Sorry, sorry. Again with the smothering." He gives my hand a squeeze and follows Narumi-sensei down the hall.

I feel a little sad watching him walk away from me, but I know he's walking towards something. Another step toward normalcy and that is definitely something to feel good about. The tears running down my cheeks are definitely tears of happiness.

* * *

><p>Afterschool at Alice Academy is complete insanity. Screaming children get released about fifteen minutes before the screaming teenagers do and after ten minutes I still can't find Youichi anywhere. I'm trying not to panic when Narumi-sensei waves me over.<p>

"Youichi got signed up for soccer club during P.E. They practice every day afterschool. He won't be released till five." He informs me.

"Can I see him?"

We walk from the front of the school to the soccer field which is next to the football stadium and past the tennis courts. I can see little bodies running after a ball in the distance. It isn't until I sit next to Narumi-sensei on the sidelines that I spot Youichi leading the pack dressed in a red thermal long sleeve shirt and a jersey with the number eleven on it. It's pretty warm out for February, but all of the kids are dressed in winter uniforms running wildly and screaming, except Youichi of course. He's completely focused on keeping the ball away from a pudgy boy. The large boy is exerting so much energy that he trips over his own feet taking a dark haired girl down with him. She lets out a loud scream.

Youichi stops in his tracks and turns back to the girl. The larger boy had fallen right on top of her. Narumi and I were already on our feet as the coach jogged out towards them, but Youichi already pulled the bigger boy off of the girl and pulled her up checking her legs. She rubbed her tear stained face, but was otherwise unharmed.

We jogged over to them in time to learn that the girl was perfectly fine, but she won't let go of the end of Youichi's shirt. Youichi who already inspected her for damage just stood there.

"Aoi." A familiar voice called.

Natsume wearing a lacrosse uniform is several feet from us carrying a duffel bag and looking rather sweaty.

"Onii-chan!" the girl wailed.

The other kids take several steps back from Youichi and Aoi who is still clinging to him.

"Ah Natsume-kun. Typical accident. Kids will be kids after all." Narumi-sensei says quickly.

"Come on Aoi." Natsume says looking at me instead of his sister.

Aoi finally releases Youichi and runs after her brother grabbing the leg of his pants. I watch them walk off stopping to get Aoi's duffel bag and backpack. The coach dismisses the kids early and Youichi walks with several other boys to their bags and some of them clap him on the shoulder as he walks towards me.

"Youichi-chan is quite popular on his first day." Narumi-sensei comments with a smile.

"Yeah." I reply barely able to contain the huge grin wanting to break out on my face.

I hold myself back from taking his hand as not to be that embarrassing mom/sister figure. He reaches up and grabs my empty hand though, not at all caring about being babied. The chaos at the front of the school has died down and the parking lot is mostly empty. As we stride through the main gate there are several black cars with chauffeurs standing on the passenger side waiting for their young masters to get released from their afterschool studies and activities. One of the cars looks oddly familiar when the backdoor opens and a little raven head pokes out.

"You-chan!" Aoi says waving her arm.

The pit in my stomach is back. Aoi looks adorable in her black pea coat that hangs open over her uniform. Her cheeks are flushed and her ruby eyes are shining as we approach the vehicle. Natsume sits in the driver seat tapping away on his phone not even acknowledging us.

"Hi! I'm Hyuuga Aoi! You must be You-chan's sister! It's nice to meet you." She says with a bright smile on her face.

"Yeah I am. It's nice to meet you too." I say bowing my head a little.

Her short raven hair falls shorter in the back and gets longer in the front, a style that fits her very pretty doll-like face. She asks Youichi a series of questions in quick secession that I can hardly keep up, but he looks up at me as if expecting me to answer.

"I'm sorry?" I say looking at the young girl.

"My onii-chan and I want to give you a ride home!"

"That's sweet Aoi-chan, but we're actually going to do some shopping and then grab some dinner." I tell her earning myself a pout and sad puppy eyes.

I notice she's holding onto Youichi's jersey again, but make no comments. Eventually we say our goodbyes with promises of some other time and begin our walk to the bus stop. There's a bargain furniture store that offers discounts for whole room purchases. With the money I earned from work plus the money Hotaru got out of Sumire's bunch, I'll be able to hopefully furnish both the bedroom and living room.

I don't really need much in theory, it's not like my place is that big. I mull over where I want certain things to go as we take the bus all the way to **Nana's Furniture Store**. It's not a big place, but they have a decent amount of stuff lining the walls and crowding the floor making it hard to actually walk through the place. A little obaa-san greets us as I am looking at a small couch. She asks me what I'm looking for and I tell her I'm looking for bedroom and living room furniture and some barstools so we can eat breakfast at the island counters that separate the kitchen from the living room.

"I have everything you need." She says confidently.

"But can I afford it?" I mutter following her through the labyrinth of furniture.

"Don't mumble girly. All you young people with your loud music yet all you do is mumble." The old lady says.

"Sorry." I say more firmly.

One thing I can say for the old broad is she knows how to haggle. Up and down and up and down with the figures, but not in a con artist way just in a 'I want to give you a good deal, but I am running a business here' way. By the time I finish filling out the order form I'm down for two end tables (buy one get one free), a refrigerator (half price for some missing shelves), a pull out couch (throw pillows included since it's a little old), a coffee table and TV stand for a bargain because they haven't been refurbished yet, four barstools (full price since they're new and rather nice), a great bureau with a mirror attached (vintage, old, and in good condition also on sale), and a full sized bedframe with box mattress included (got a great deal because she's been trying to sell it for a while). I'll have to buy a mattress, but for hygiene purposes I'd rather spring for a new one of those anyway and with the money I saved in this place I'll probably get a nice one too.

Oh and some pillows.

I arrange to have the furniture delivered the following evening right after work. I get free shipping for ordering more than five pieces of furniture, a deal I'm sure she is regretting by now considering how much I actually ordered. She handed me a copy of the order form so I can check things off as they bring it in to my apartment. I pay her in cash and take my receipt eagerly. In less than twenty four hours I will have a furnished apartment. I practically sing all the way home, in my head anyway.

I inform Tsubasa of my purchase and he looks rather impressed. In one week I've managed to get my lights turned on, get Youichi into a fabulous school, and buy furniture. I mentally check them off the list I have in my head. Now all that's left is the fun frivolous part of shopping. Buying posters, maybe some paintings, bed sheets, lamps, curtains, a rug, and a bunch of other stuff to make the apartment more home-y.

"Well Youichi enjoy your last night on this futon. Well not really because we'll probably put this on top of the box mattress in the bedroom till we get a real mattress, but Tsubasa says he can help with that." I say to him, rolling over to my side on the futon.

Youichi holds his pocket watch over his head watching it twirl, "Why do you hate Natsume-nii-san?"

The question surprises me, "I don't hate him. I just don't like him invading your space so much. Remember the Anna incident."

"He's nice and he doesn't invade my space. He likes the same books and shows I like. And he has a really cool car."

"I know you like him You-chan and I tolerate him because of you, but a lot of people say some not nice things about him."

"People suck." He states.

I shake my head, "Yeah I suppose they do, but sometimes people are right."

"So you'll listen to them?" He questions.

I sigh deeply, "I'm trying not to."

"Maybe he just needs somebody." Youichi suggests after a thoughtful moment.

"What do you mean?"

"Someone like you. To help him so that people don't say those not nice things about him."

I roll onto my back and stare at the dark ceiling, "I don't know You-chan."

"He's just like me."

"Of course he's not. Natsume is practically a grown up, you're still just a kid." I correct him.

"Well not all kids can have a big sister like you."

I lie there smiling in the darkness as Youichi rolls over and nestles himself into the sheets beside me. Maybe all Natsume needs is a little rehabilitation. To be around a girl who doesn't despise or adore him; someone who can be a neutral party and coax him out of his bad behaviors. It sounds like a lot of work, but if my brother wants to be exposed to this creature on a daily basis for prolonged periods of time, I must tame the beast. Only then can I feel reassured that none of his bad habits will transfer to Youichi in the heinous ritual of male bonding.

"I'll try. For you You-chan." I tell him closing my eyes.

Even in the darkness of my eyelids a pair of ruby eyes are staring at me.

With a look I can't describe.

* * *

><p><em>Love? Hate? Mild Criticism?<em>

_Drop me a line just keep it clean._

_Definitely picking things up in the Natsume department leading up to all of the craziness that is bound to ensue because you guys KNOW I'm just itching to leave you on cliff just hanging ;)_

_You're most welcome for the chapter btw I know those of you who have stuck with me know that it's completely out of character for me, but I really like this chapter. It's like the big turnaround before I pull one of my famous stunts lol_

_Lots of Love_

_Chi-chan_


	13. Reach

_Hey there readers! _

_Super Duper excited to get the ball rolling with NastuMikan!_

_More to come as the story progresses! The song in this chapter is Illegal by Shakira! Listen to it on Youtube if you want to get a feel from the mood during that scene!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13: Reach<strong>

Serina Yamada looks a million times better during our second meeting. Her tired eyes are gone and her 'less than enthusiastic about my job' demeanor is also gone. She sits behind her desk shuffling through paperwork trying to find my file. She seems like someone who could take a couple of lessons from Hotaru about how to organize. Finally she pulls my manila folder out of a messy pile and opens it with one hand and uses her free hand to shove her other papers to the side.

"Okay so what have you got for me?" She asks.

"Um, Youichi's transfer records and a copy of my furniture receipt. Also some photographs."

"Good, good." She says taking the stack from me.

The fact that Youichi got a perfect score on his transfer exam is in bold and I could she her eyes widen with surprise. I conceal my smirk of victory by looking around her office. I included some photographs I had taken using the disposable camera Anna had gotten for the party. There's a picture of Youichi in his uniform and backpack outside of the Alice Academy gates that I had taken yesterday when I dropped him off, another photo of him playing soccer with the other kids in his adorable uniform, and one photo from yesterday night of the two of us sitting on the couch in our pajamas. We had just had dinner with Tsubasa and Misaki so I asked Tsubasa to take a picture of us for my meeting. I also got a couple shots of the apartment before the film ran out, so I included a copy of those. I got the pictures developed right before my meeting and ran all the way here not even bothering to talk to the disinterested receptionist.

"These look good. You're really making an effort." She comments flipping through the pictures.

"I told you. Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it."

"And you certainly have."

Minus the mattress that will be delivered tomorrow, my apartment looks like a real place to live. All of my furniture was being delivered when I got back from work with Youichi yesterday. Tsubasa used an emergency key to let them in and directed the furniture where I wanted it to go till I arrived. While the men moved busily around my apartment, I made a pitcher of iced tea for them and helped Youichi with his homework. And by help I mean stand there in awe as he blew through the assignments like they were nothing at all. I got a note from his teacher saying that he doesn't really participate in class, but his level of work is above and beyond a kindergartener so he will be giving Youichi advanced assignments to gage his actual grade level.

This boy never ceases to amaze me. I pour him another glass of iced tea and offer refills to the guys as they were wrapping up. Misaki brought some supplies upstairs and made us dinner in our own apartment, the smell was heavenly. We joked and laughed and ate until it was time for me to put Youichi to bed. I cleaned up while Youichi showered and just looked around the apartment. The couch placed next to one of the end tables faces the window. In-between them is the coffee table and the TV stand that is pressed up against the wall. Tsubasa used some sand paper and finishing paint that was left in one of the supply closets in the basement to make them both look like new. I placed the picture frame of me and my parents on the end table and make a mental note to develop the film before my meeting so I can fill the empty frames I got from the party.

We also took a little trip to Bed, Bath, and Body where I put all of my gift cards towards buying a mattress and even returned my second microwave for some extra cash, which I spent on curtains, a painting of a meadow with wild flowers that was on sale, a rug for the living room, and some navy blue sheets for the bedroom. Misaki, after hearing that Tsubasa gave me some flowers, got upset and brought me several lamps from their apartment.

"I swear that boy doesn't think. We kept the lamps that my parents sent us even though we had already bought new ones and instead of giving you those he gets you flowers? I swear he's totally sweet, but such an idiot sometimes."

Tsubasa, who was standing less than a foot away, rubbed his head sheepishly and placed one of the lamps in the living room and the other two in the bedroom. He hangs up the painting I bought and rolled out the rug in front of the couch. He left me his hammer and some nails so that I can hang the large collage picture frames on the walls once I got my photos developed. I put the leftovers away and tuck Youichi into the futon on top of the box mattress in the bedroom.

I push the coffee table to the side and pull out the mattress from the couch. The woman from the furniture store assured me that the mattress was new because the old one smelled like cigarette smoke so lucky for me all I need to do is get sheets for it. I lie on the naked mattress just staring at the ceiling thinking about my meeting and what other possible things she might criticize me for. I know she thinks I'm just a kid and Youichi will be better off with an adoptive family that lives in a two story house with a yard and a dog, but I know the only place Youichi wants to be is with me. He doesn't say it outright, but for some total strangers to just take him from me, he would definitely freak out and run away.

Everything that I'm doing and trying to do is going to make a better life for both of us, but what drives me is Youichi. I want to send him to college and see him get married and have a job and a great life even if I end up being the old lady that comes around once a month to check up on him and give his kids presents, I'll be perfectly content with it knowing that he has a great life because of me.

"Mikan?"

Earth to me.

"Yes?" I say snapping my attention back to her.

"I was saying that you still need to pass your test and prove to the social worker that you are a mature and competent caregiver. How is Youichi getting to and from school?"

"Well right now I'm taking him there by bus and picking him up the same way."

"And what about your boss? Does she mind you leaving early?"

"Well if I know Hotaru she definitely minds, but she also understands. I can make up my missed hours on Saturday since I don't normally work in the restaurant that day. I'm also looking into getting him into a carpool of some kind, but most of the kids have personal drivers and I don't think that's in my budget."

"Understandable. You don't have a driver's license do you?"

"No, I'm looking into it, but I'm prioritizing right now."

"Always a good thing. Now the social worker assigned to your case is Sato Akira. He's kind of a hard-ass, but it's only because he himself was in the system and he knows firsthand how placing a child with the wrong caretaker can mess a child up for life, but with what I've seen he should have no problems."

"Okay."

"Next item and I know you're going to hate me for this one, but you need a phone, in your apartment and on your person. If there is an emergency and you can't get to the front desk what will you do? Jump out the window? I should hope not."

"Phone. Got it."

"Clothes as well, he's big on appearances. You can go. Take this." She says handing a piece of paper with some notes on it.

"Thank you." I say taking the paper and turning to leave.

"Oh and Mikan?" she says making me look at her again, "Initial meet is in two weeks."

* * *

><p>"It's like it never ends! No matter how much I do they just keep wanting more and more. Do they think money grows on trees?" I say flopping into the chair opposite Hotaru's desk.<p>

"Well you certainly sound like a parent." She comments.

"You would think I've done more than enough." I mutter.

"What do you expect? People to throw you a party every time you do something right? You're asking for the rights to a child Mikan. Of course they're going to make you shell out as much as possible."

"At this rate I'm not going to be able to pay my rent next month." I sulk.

"What about a loan?" She suggested typing away at her computer.

"Yeah right. What bank is going to give me a loan?" I ask tugging at the hem of my sweater.

"I would. You're not comfortable with hand-outs so this is my proposal. I give you enough money for your house phone, cell phone, some clothes and even appoint one of my drivers to you and all I ask in return is that you do whatever I ask." She says not looking up from her computer screen."

That's ominous.

I sit up straight, "Whatever you ask like what? Can't I just pay you back?"

"Money I have, but a personal lackey is priceless."

"What could you possibly want me to do for you that you're willing to give me money and not get any of it back?"

"Oh I'll get it back. In due time." She says finally looking at me again.

More ominous.

"You're terrifying me." I say leaning back in my chair a little.

"Take it or leave it Sakura."

Suddenly I feel like the temperature has risen beyond boiling point and I'm about to sign a contract with the devil. No, Hotaru is my friend. She won't make me do anything illegal that could make me jeopardize my adoption or corrupt my already slightly gray area morals.

Right?

"Fine."

She opens the desk drawer and hands me a pre-written check. Unbelievable. She already had the check written out and ready to hand to me.

. . .

Hold on.

Sweet mother of all that is good.

"Are you insane? One million yen! Are you out of your mind?"

"I said you could buy clothes too."

"I don't need this much money for clothes!"

"Pipe down idiot. Spend what you need and save the rest. Besides when was the last time you bought something for yourself. Food doesn't count."

She had a point, but I wouldn't feel right about taking so much money. Then again it is a loan that I just sold my soul for. And I do need clothes, a cell phone, a house phone, and maybe I can even get a television. I sigh in defeat and sit back down.

"You might want to deposit that." She comments.

"I don't have a bank account."

She sighs in annoyance and pulls out her cell phone. She holds her hand out for the check and I give it back to her. She swivels her chair away from me and calls someone that I assume works in a bank. After several commands and providing them with my name, age, and address, she hangs up the phone and shreds the check.

"Wha-"

"I've deposited the check into your new bank account and someone will be here with your card before your shift has ended. I will call Grant one of my drivers to pick up Youichi afterschool and to bring him here. Anything else?"

What have I gotten myself into?

"You're amazing?" I suggest.

"Noted. Now there is something I want you to do for me."

Oh God.

"Tonight at approximately eight o'clock Ruka is forcing me to engage in the tedious ritual of public dating and he insists on bringing Natsume and his new tart. You will be replacing the tart because I am more confident in my ability to tolerate you than some hormone driven floozy."

"You want me to go on a date with Natsume?" I repeat.

"Think of it as a business transaction." She says leaning back in her chair, folding her hands together.

"You're paying me to date Natsume?"

"If you want to be blunt about it."

"Absolutely not."

She goes back to her computer, "You don't have a choice. My money, your time. That is the deal."

"What about my inability to tolerate Natsume?" I offer.

"Your brother seems to like him, maybe you can learn."

"What if Natsume _wants_ to date his floozy?"

"What Natsume _wants_ is completely irrelevant. So I suggest after your shift you go shopping for something to wear while picking out your mom-clothes."

I open my mouth to argue but she just points to the door both dismissing me and shutting me up. A date? Is she kidding? Not only have I never been on a date, but I also do not want the first guy I date to be Hyuuga Natsume. I could kick and scream, but I know that I should be grateful. Not everyone can have a rich, ice princess for a friend who just gives you one million yen because she hates Natsume's floozies more than being in anyone else's company in general.

It's kind of sweet when you think about it.

And if I maintain that this is just a business transaction, then maybe it won't count against my dating history. I force myself to not think about while I work my shift. Every time I go into the lounge I half-expect to see Youichi on the couch reading or watching an anime, but his empty spot makes me both happy and sad. Happy that he's finally in school and getting into a stable routine, but a little sad that I can't see him whenever I want. I wonder what he's doing. I've almost forgotten what it's like to sit in a classroom all day long: reading by the window, taking notes, eating lunch, hearing bits of everyone's conversations as they talk about their weekend plans. Because of my home situation I felt very out of place at school. I never had interesting weekend plans or was able to get iced coffee afterschool with some of the girls in my class all because of Persona.

Here at _Imai's _it's different. Not just being on my own and away from Yuka and Persona, but saying hello and smiling to everyone, chatting in the lounge with Anna and Nobara, eating lunch with Misaki, forcing Hotaru to come over to my apartment, making fun of Sumire and Luna, and even having a few laughs down at the bar. Maybe my situation is not ideal, but I've come so far from the person I used to be.

My shift finally comes to an end and as I'm changing into my regular clothes, Nobara brings me a box that is addressed to me and is stamped 'PRIORITY'. I open the box and inside along with a letter is my new bank card.

_Dear Miss Sakura,_

_Thank you for banking with us. Imai-sama is one of our most valued customers so we will be sure to take good care of you. Your temporary pin is: 1103.  
>To change it just go online to the website below, call us, or just come into a branch.<em>

_We look forward to banking with you._

It is signed by the bank owner himself and includes all of his personal information if I have any questions or concerns. The power of the Imai name knows no bounds. I tuck the card into my jacket pocket as I pull my coat up over my shoulders. I shove the empty box into my locker and slam the door shut in time to see Youichi and a man in a chauffeur uniform standing in the doorway.

"Hi You-chan," I say ruffling his hair, "You must be Grant."

"Yes Miss." He says bowing his head.

"Please just call me Mikan. I'm no Hotaru Imai." I say bowing back to him.

Grant is old enough to be my father. Salt and pepper hair rests under his driving cap and his suit looks brand new and pressed to perfection. His white gloves are crisp and gleaming and his black shoes are shined. He looks like a solider standing there with his arms at his side and his feet together. He follows us out of_ Imai's_ back entrance and to the car.

Leaning on the hood of the posh black Mercedes is Anna wearing a trench coat over her school uniform. A white beret rests atop her candy pink locks. I can see the stick of a lollipop hanging out of her mouth as she stares up at the early evening sky. Her eyes light up as we approach and she leans up off the car.

"Hey!" she calls giving a wave.

"Anna, what are you doing out here?" I ask genuinely surprised since she has the day-off today.

"Hotaru said you desperately need my help. So I rushed over." She says.

"Help? I don't need any help I'm just going to get some clothes." I say.

She beams, "Then you definitely need my help."

* * *

><p>I'm trapped in a world gone mad.<p>

After leaving Youichi with Misaki so he can get some dinner and do his homework. Anna hauled me away to her favorite store. She promised me that the prices were decent and they almost always had things on sale. The store is called 'Cherie's' and it looks like a store that was meant for girls like Anna, really frilly, girly, pink, and brightly lit. The salespeople are really friendly and one of them even knows Anna by name. The best part about shopping when you have money is the money part. Everyone is so nice to you when they know you have plastic because it usually means business.

I'm glad that that Anna is here because I obviously needed her help even though it wasn't obvious to me. She pointed her finger like a magic wand and had salespeople picking up things, showing it to her and putting back what she doesn't like. Meanwhile I'm locked away in a large changing room trying on all of her nod worthy choices.

"I like it!" Anna says.

"It's a little binding." I say tugging at the material.

Anna has great taste in clothes, but she can go a little overboard at times. I've tried on several sparkly mini dresses that squeeze me in all the wrong places, but Anna refuses to let me leave unless I have something to go out with the girls on Saturday to Celebrate Anna's acceptance to the Parisian school of her dreams.

I manage to wiggle out of the dress without tearing it Thank God.

So far I've been approved for:

A tan trench coat (which is in this season if you hadn't heard)  
>A grey pea coat<br>Several pairs of jeans that don't have holes forming in the knees  
>I've lost count of how many tops because Anna just keeps piling them up<br>Three cashmere sweaters  
>A couple of dresses in different styles<br>A new scarf, hat, and gloves set  
>A pair of sunglasses<br>Shoes, shoes, shoes  
>Skirts of various lengths<p>

And then I saw it. In Anna's hand hanging from a wooden hanger. A white dress with ¾ sleeves and a wide neck hole so the dress can be pushed off the shoulder, but what really grabs me is the corset lace-up back with gray ribbon. You can see peeks of gray lace behind the ribbon making the dress a little edgy, but it retains its elegance. I take it from Anna's hand and scurry back into my dressing room forgetting that I was in my underwear. I pull it carefully off its hanger and step into it. Like a glove, it slid up my body perfectly caressing my body with its soft fabric. I step out of the dressing room and Anna literally gasps as I spin around to show her in full.

"Mikan it is so you!" she practically squeals.

I look at myself in the mirror and it is quite the dress, falling to my mid-thigh and holding my body the way a dress should.

"You know what you need now?" She asks with a mischievous grin.

Something tells me I'm about to find out.

I swiped my card and punched in my pin like a regular pro. I tried not to let my mini heart attack show when my total showed up as 80,000 yen. Once again I find myself pretending that I do this sort of thing all the time. Poor Grant had no idea what he was in for when Hotaru appointed him as my driver. His professional lack of facial expression turned to shock when he saw the mountain of bags and boxes the salespeople were carrying out to the trunk of the car. Anna and I smile sheepishly and take cover in the backseat.

Once the trunk slammed shut, Grant got into the driver's seat and Anna gave him an address I didn't know. Twenty minutes later, we pull into the driveway of a two story Victorian style house with a wraparound porch. Anna instructs Grant to take my purchases, except for one bag, back to my apartment because 'This will take a while'. He waits for my bow to actually get in the car and drive away.

Anna jogs up the front steps to what I am guessing is her house. I follow not too close behind admiring its beautiful white and light blue painted siding and the wind chimes hanging from the awning. There's even a porch swing off to the side where someone has left a book and large mug of a beverage that is still emitting wisps of steam. I hurry behind Anna who is holding the screen door open for me while shouting for her mother.

Somewhere in the house something breaks with a crash and a woman mutters something in frustration.

"Anna for the millionth time stop doing that." A woman says coming from what I assume is the kitchen.

Anna ignores the woman, "Mikan this is my mom. Mom this is Mikan."

"Nice to meet you sweetie. Would you like some pie?"

"Nice to meet you too, and sure." I say shaking her firm hand.

Anna's mom is a curvy woman, not skinny, not fat, but what some would describe as thick with wide hips. Her stomach lays flat under her strawberry printed apron. A blue bandana is tied over her pink hair that matches Anna's perfectly. She leaves the room and heads back to the kitchen.

"Rule number one of my house: Just say no. My mom will have you leaving ten pounds heavier."

"I heard that." Her mom shouts from the kitchen.

Anna just smiles and leads the way up the stairs to her bedroom. A foul odor practically knocks us off our feet as we reach the second floor landing. Anna doesn't even question it and goes to the first door on our left and pounds on it with her free hand.

"I swear to God Nonoko! I'm going to tell daddy to make you move to the garage!"

"Keep your pants on!" Nonoko yells back through the door.

"Hi Nonoko!" I say trying to cut through the sudden tension.

"Hi Mikan! Sorry about the smell!"

"It's okay!"

Anna rolls her eyes and leads the way down the hall into her bedroom, which is a light peach color with white accents. We pass her canopy bed which is littered in stuffed animals and throw pillows. She puts the bag on her bed and sits down so she can take off her school boots. Underneath her trench coat is her Alice Academy uniform with a yellow checkered skirt insteand of red like Youichi slacks.

She removes her beret and puts it on top of her vanity. I take off my coat and wander around her room looking at pictures of her and Nonoko in middle school with some other girls I don't recognize except one.

"Oh my god. Is that who I think it is?" pointing at the slightly pudgy little girl.

Anna emerges from hair bathroom with scissors and several combs and brushes, "Ugh I know. Back when Sumire wasn't all that bad. Then we started high school and she couldn't be seen with us."

"What happened?" I ask as she puts me to sit down at her vanity.

She puts the hair stuff on the vanity's bare surface, "Same old girl drama. She wanted to be Queen Bee with her ladies in waiting and it didn't go over well. Everyone just kind of went off doing their own thing, even Nonoko and me."

"Weird."

"Yeah I know. I think back to all of the birthday parties and sleepovers and I can hardly believe any of it when I see her now." She says with a shudder as she takes down my hair.

"Time changes people." I say looking at my reflection.

She drags the brush through my hair, "Time doesn't change people Mikan, life changes people and people change people. In Sumire's case when her dad came into a lot of money through smart investments her life changed thus changing her. All of a sudden every conversation we had was about her daddy's Porsche and her mom's boob job and how she's going to summer in Paris. It got nauseating. I mean my mom owns her own very successful cake shop and my dad is a Physics professor so it's not like we're poor, but because Nonoko and I are used to our comforts we never became conceited brats."

"I see." I reply grinding my teeth as she pulls through a knot.

"Sumire just couldn't handle it. I mean I blame her parents mostly because her mother's always wanted that kind of lifestyle and when they had it, it was like they couldn't get enough. We all took bets on when the money would run out, but Kami-sama seems to have smiled on the Shoudas for whatever reason."

Three swift knocks on the door and Nonoko enters with a tray of three pie slices and some milk.

"I come baring a peace offering. The smell is gone so please do not tell dad."

"Like I would." Anna says plugging in her straightener.

"Hope you like cherry pie Mikan. Mom's been experimenting with different kinds of cherries."

"I love cherries." I say taking the plate and fork.

She put my glass of milk on the vanity, "So what's with the primping?"

"Mikan has a date."

I nearly choke on my pie, "No I don't!"

"Come off it Sakura. Ruka spilled the beans when Hotaru called him during P.E."

"Wait what?" Nonoko asks sitting on her sister's bed taking off her lab coat.

"Mikan is going on a double date with Hotaru, Ruka, aaaaaaaaaaand Hyuuga Natsume tonight." Anna says with a giggle while dragging the straightener through my hair.

"Shut your mouth! Way to go Mikan!" Nonoko says between bites of pie.

"No, no, no, no, no. It isn't like that. Hotaru asked me for a favor. It's a business arrangement, that's all."

The twins give each other doubtful, mischievous smirks.

"It's not a date." I maintain.

* * *

><p>But when Ruka's silver Cadillac pulled up to Anna's house, I looked like a girl who was going on a date. After straightening my mane, Anna gave me a trim and then proceeded to put my hair in a very complex but elegant up style with several braids, some curls and a million bobby pins thrown in so that I could show off the back of my already favorite white dress. I wiggled my feet into a pair of grey ankle boots and threw on my new pea coat. Anna went all out with my make-up giving me cat-like eyeliner and shimmery silver eye lids and clear lip gloss over my lips so that she doesn't 'overdo it'.<p>

Overdo it was about an hour ago when she plucked my eyebrows.

Ruka, being the gentleman that he is, came to the door to get me and his eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw me.

"You look amazing." He says.

"Thanks." I reply trying not to blush.

Anna and Nonoko wave from the porch as Ruka walks me to the car and even opens the door for me. I slip into the backseat which is surprisingly empty.

"Where's Natsume?" I ask unable to stop myself.

"Natsume doesn't like not driving. He's going to meet us there."

"I'm supposed to be his date and he doesn't even pick me up?"

"Natsume doesn't go out on dates Mikan-chan. Usually he just gets flocked by whatever girls happen to be there."

"Disgusting." Hotaru mutters from the passenger seat.

We back out of the twins drive way and speed off down the lamppost laden street. I buckle my seat belt and settle into my seat with my head against the window. Without Natsume in the car I can relax a little bit and revel in the fact that I, Sakura Mikan, am all dressed up and going out with friends. On the one hand it's completely irresponsible because I have Youichi at home with Misaki. I can see him now stuffing his face with Misaki's home cooking and doing his homework while gulping down iced tea.

But I did promise Youichi that I would try to like Natsume or at least rehabilitate him and by getting mixed up in this loan business with Hotaru the universe is forcing me to spend time with him.

Date or no date.

The place we go to is a little restaurant called **'Mayonaka no Sora' **meaning Midnight Sky, known more charmingly as Sora's. It is a classy bar/restaurant where the social higher ups wine and dine and listen to live music. The valet takes Ruka's car to be parked and for a moment he places his hand on the small of Hotaru's back which I find cute and odd. Contractual relationship? I don't think I'll ever know. Hotaru leads the way through the main entrance where there is someone to check our coats and hats.

Ruka leads us to a table near the dance floor and we take our seats. Still, no sign of Natsume and I'm starting to feel like a third wheel. A waiter comes over leaving menus and taking our drink orders. I try to order water with lemon, but Hotaru orders champagne for the table instead. Because of Yuka I have a firm stance against alcohol consumption because I had this deep rooted belief that alcohol was evil and it turned people into unrecognizable forms of themselves. I blamed everything around me for my mother's disintegration into the person I call Yuka, but I had to face facts. People drink alcohol all the time: wine at dinner, champagne at weddings, a beer after a long day. And maybe some people do abuse it at parties or when they're just hanging with friends, but that's their choice. That was the part I had a hard time facing: the fact that my mother chose alcohol over me. As the waiter filled my glass with the bubbly golden liquid, I find myself staring at the little bubbles floating so delicately to the top.

I'm reserved to not having so much as a sip.

I distract myself by looking over the menu. Ruka looks around the room searching for Natsume, who I assume by now has stood me up. Isn't that ironic? I'm the one dreading the whole affair and he actually stands me up.

"Oh God." Ruka mutters under his breath.

But unfortunately I still hear him and follow his gaze across the room to the bar where Natsume is sitting and upon his lap is a girl with long black hair.

"I told you. He is perfectly content with his floozies." I say looking at Hotaru trying to mask how utterly pissed of I am.

I don't want to be here for one thing and not only does he stand me up, but he came here anyway and brought another girl? I mean he could have at least gone to a different restaurant.

"That's Gretchen, the foreigner who's been 'appearing' where Natsume does and not by coincidence. I happen to know for a fact that she pays people to let her know when he shows up somewhere. It's perfectly plausible that he got here before us and someone tipped her off that he was here. At least Sumire would have some kind of dignity in a place like this." Hotaru says and then takes a sip from her glass.

I look over my shoulder at the two of them. Natsume looks as bored as ever in his black pants, matching blazer and a red button down slightly undone with a vest over it. He looks pretty dapper compared to his usually alley sulking/bar clothes.

"I should probably go help him." Ruka says about to stand.

"No," I say surprising everyone including myself, "I'll do it."

Ruka sits back down and looks at me with a playful smile showing his curiosity. Hotaru just takes another sip of champagne. I stand up from my chair and look at the pair across the room again and then back to the table.

Desperate times.

I pick up the champagne glass delicately and take a small sip. Its bubbles tickle my nose and throat. I toughen up and take a gulp without looking too much like an amateur. As I place the glass back down on the table, I pretend those tickly bubbles are penetrating my body and transforming me into the Mikan who wears high end couture and goes out with her friends to fancy bars and is accustomed to being driven around and spending money on clothes because only that Mikan can pull off whatever the hell it is I'm about to do.

Her back is to me and her body is placed in between Natsume and me blocking his view giving me several seconds to think.

"Come ooooon Natsume-kun. Let's get out of here. This place is sooooooo boring." She whined obviously in a state of slight to mild inebriation.

"Why don't you just go home?" He says mildly irritated.

"Yeah why don't you just go home?" I repeat stepping in front of the couple.

They both look shocked to see me standing there. Natsume probably doesn't even recognize me under all the primping which makes me feel a little powerful.

"Who are you?" Gretchen asks her expression melting into annoyance.

"A really pissed off girlfriend." I say to my surprise.

I guess I still have a little juice leftover from theater back at my old school.

"Girlfriend? Hyuuga Natsume doesn't have _a _girlfriend. He has several if that's what you want to call us. Get in line." She clarifies wrapping her spaghetti arms around his neck.

"Listen here Skankerella, what he may or may not have done with you and rest of the female population is in the past. He's here with me."

"Really because he looks like he's here with me." She chastises with a smug smile on her narrow face.

"No, he looks like he should be picking you up off a street corner after negotiating the price of your hump day special."

_That_ made her stand from Natsume's lap, which allowed him to stand as well but he looked rather amused.

"Are you calling me a Prostitute?" she asks eyes ablaze.

"You don't call Prostitutes; you just leave the money on the bedside table when you're done."

My tone is fiery and I know I've struck several nerves and it looks like she's about to strike back, but Natsume steps between us snaking his arm around my waist.

"Just go home." He says more firmly and guides me through the tables towards Ruka and Hotaru.

"What happened?" Ruka asked eagerly as we sat done.

"Words were said and she decided it was in her best interest to go home." I say taking another sip of champagne.

"Doubtful. The look on that man's face and the wine that that woman just spewed out tells another story."

"I may have verbally assaulted her, a teeny bit."

Natsume just smirked and picked up his menu, but he wasn't looking at it.

At all.

After that it was all very tame. Dinner is ordered, light conversation is had, food is eaten, and dessert is served. It isn't until the band starts to play a slow sultry song that things start to take a turn for the. . . intimate. The blonde singer is wearing a velvet red dress and heels. Her lips are close to the microphone as she begins to sing.

_Who would've of thought  
>That you could hurt me<br>The way you've done it  
>So deliberate<br>So determined  
>And since you have been gone<br>I bite my nails for days  
>And hours<br>And question my own questions  
>On and On<br>So tell me now  
>Tell me now<br>Where you're so far away  
>When I'm still so close?<em>

Ruka takes Hotaru's hand and she allows herself to be guided to the dance floor with some of the other couples. Their slow waltz is very hypnotizing with the singer's sultry vocals and the band's smooth rhythms. I preoccupy myself with the red velvet cake in front of me and watch Hotaru and Ruka dance. They remind me of a music box I wanted when I was little. The kind that winds up in the back and when you open it the little figurine rises slowly and twirls around to the melody. My dad promised to get it for me for Christmas, but he died in the summer. The music box haunted me for a while. I wondered if that's why he was out that day, to get me that stupid music box. Ruka is saying something to Hotaru, she's not responding, but she looks at him intently. I ponder if her jeweled headband has real jewels in it when I feel a warm hand touch mine.

I look at Natsume who continues staring straight ahead as if he didn't just touch me.

For some reason this reminds me of Youichi. Whenever he wants something he nudges me, bumps me or squeezes my hand and then pretends he didn't and never voices his wants. I don't think the same rule applies to Hyuuga Natsume the personal space invader, but that doesn't stop some obtuse part of my brain from standing and walking to the dance floor. He just watches me stand there even when I wave him over. He takes a drink of his champagne and doesn't move.

Fine, I'll dance by myself.

The music slows again and I concentrate on the lyrics and move without a partner. I probably look ridiculous, but good food, good cake, and good music is a recipe for a little silliness especially when things have gotten a little awkward date-wise.

_I tried so hard  
>To be attentive<br>Do all you wanted  
>Always supportive, always patient<em>

My eyes close down and I just allow myself to be swept in the song moving slowly and rhythmically in my own bubble.

_What did I do wrong?  
>Wondering for days and hours<br>It's clear, it isn't here where you belong  
>Anyhow, anyhow<br>I wish you both all the best I hope you get along_

A familiar pair of hands take both of mine and place them on firm shoulders and then retreats to my hips.

"So he does dance." I say giving a somewhat victorious grin.

"You look like an idiot. I can't be seen at the same table as you if I let that go on." He responds sourly.

"Always with the appearances. If I don't have a partner, I'm happy to dance by myself."

"You must have a lot of lonely nights then." He retorts.

"Funny coming from someone who is always surrounded with people yet can't even crack a smile. Not a smirk, a real smile."

He pulls me closer making me realize we were dancing like middle schoolers at their first boy-girl dance: arm length apart. I think I prefer it to the alternative where there is only a sliver of space between Natsume and me and one hand is on the small of my back with the other above it and his long fingers are touching my ribs.

Distraction Mikan, Distraction.

"Youichi and I talked about you a little while ago."

He didn't say anything, but I know I've caught his interest.

"He seems to be the only person to think you're not a bad person. Ruka doesn't count because contract or not, he's dating Hotaru which throws his psyche into question."

Still nothing. He's not even looking at me, which is really starting to piss me off. First almost standing me up only to be in the same restaurant with another girl and now he can't even converse?

"Jerk."

He looks at me with a blank face.

Oops. I said that out loud.

"Yeah, you're a jerk. I didn't even want to come on this date and you're acting like its Chinese water torture after I went and rescued you from that Gretchen girl."

"More like you were so overcome with jealousy that you had to stomp over and assert your claim on me."

My mouth hit the floor, "Are you insane? I was doing you a favor."

"Whatever stupid girl. I don't need rescuing by the likes of you."

I pull away from him but his hands still linger at my waist, "Obviously you do."

He realizes his mistake and drops his hands placing them in his pockets, "The only thing I need from you little girl is a place to put my d-"

I slap him hard across the face before he can finish his sentence. For the most part no one notices and anyone who does just assumes we're a quarreling couple. I storm off the dance floor past the tables and out the door forgetting my coat. I'm standing alone on the sidewalk wondering how I'm gonna get home when Natsume bounds down the steps and receives his keys from the valet who brought his car around. He revs the engine and rolls down the windows so he can smoke.

I walk over to the car and lean over to peer through the window.

"You are a child."

"I'm not the one who stormed out of a restaurant in that dress without a coat." He replies lighting a cigarette.

I pull it out of his mouth and throw it on the floor, "You are a manipulative, defensive, hard to handle, never know what you want, don't want to ask for anything, child. And the reason that I know is because I live with one only I plan on fixing him before he turns into the train wreck that is you."

"Is that-"

"I'm not done talking. I'm a stubborn girl. You have no idea how much so. So I tell you this Natsume Hyuuga, I will not give up because I know how I'm going to fix you now."

"You're stupid and crazy."

"Maybe so, but that's not going to stop me from fixing you because what you need is a big sister in your life."

I think I've left him dumbfounded. I wave and back away from the car in time for him to speed off. Hyuuga Natsume is a little kid. He seems like a playboy using and dismissing girls, but I think he is riding the wave. He got his reputation from his air of mystery and his good looks. He just needs to learn how to use his powers for good and not evil. I watch his tail lights disappear down the street and rub my arms for warmth.

"He's stubborn too," says a familiar voice.

I feel a light weight on my shoulders accompanied by warmth, "Hotaru."

She fixes the collar of the coat she placed on my shoulders and just stands there next to me for a moment.

"Ruka's getting the bill and the car. Everything aside I think it was a successful night."

"You mean aside from me verbally assaulting a stranger, dancing with Natsume, and then slapping him in the face?" I clarify shoving my arms through the sleeves of my coat.

She put her hands into the pockets of her cashmere coat and sighed, "And then storming out into the cold like an idiot."

"How could I forget?"

"Your presence made the night less tedious."

I think that's her way of saying she kind of likes having me around.

"Hotaru if you don't like Ruka why do you do things like this?" I ask her.

She doesn't say anything and for a moment I think she might not answer when she says, "I don't hate him."

The valet brings Ruka's car around as the blonde boy bounds down the stairs. He opens the car door for Hotaru, but I beat him to my door and just wave him off. As far as I'm concerned this date night Cinderella evening is over. The ride home is quiet, but peaceful. I watch the streetlights pass and the clouds roll over the moon. I think it's going to rain tomorrow.

When I get back to my apartment Youichi is asleep since it's almost eleven. Misaki is sitting on the couch reading a book when I get in. She tells me how beautiful I look with maternal sincerity and I thank her a million times for watching Youichi.

"I would rather have my tongue nail to a cement block then do that again." I say flopping onto the couch beside her.

She helps me take down my hair, "Natsume's a jerk, it's imprinted on his DNA, but you've dealt with worse."

"I suppose. I told Youichi I would try to get along with him, but it's like his favorite pastime aside from sleeping with girls is getting under my skin." I mope.

"Maybe it's a self-defense mechanism. He doesn't really trust anyone aside from Ruka. As for the girls I don't think it's so much about physical intimacy as it is about mutual use and abuse. Girls follow him everywhere because he's good looking and a night with Natsume Hyuuga will surely increase their popularity and for him a night out with them will surely end with him getting a distraction from his brooding boy life."

"But why? I mean he's rich, from a powerful family, athletic, good looking, he should be some girl's teenage dream not a virgin's nightmare."

"Some of the best families have the worse secrets." Misaki tells me.

"I'm wondering what kind of secrets Natsume is hiding." I say mostly to myself.

Once my hair is disassembled, Misaki gives me a hug and says her goodbye. I decide a hot shower is the best course of action. By the time I scrub off Anna's make-up, wash my hair, and slip into my pajamas it's almost midnight. The prospect of Natsume having a dark secret is both intriguing and terrifying. Secrets can range from silly things between friends to something dark that you have buried deep in your mind, but no matter how much you ignore it, it will never go away. Secrets sometimes have a way of affecting more than one person like my mother's secret boyfriend who ended up being the worst thing that happened to the both of us. I slip into bed next to Youichi and look at his sleeping face. I never thought the dark cloud of Persona would have a silver lining like Youichi.

I sigh deeply, rolling over on the futon trying to get some sleep.

* * *

><p>My lack of sleep does not aid the fact that I have a double shift today. I had to drink two cups of coffee just to get to work. The upside of selling your soul for a driver is no more waiting for the bus. Grant arrives promptly at seven and waits outside till Youichi and I get downstairs. Then he drives me to work and takes Youichi to school. I'm not sure what else he does with his day, but I hope it's not waiting outside of the school for hours and hours. Grant strikes me as the very serious about his job type. He's always bowing and calling me Miss Mikan and he calls Youichi Master Youichi, but I think You-chan loves it.<p>

Speaking of You-chan he didn't ask me about the night before even though I had told him I went out with Natsume, clarifying and stressing that it wasn't a date. He didn't seem particularly moved one way or another. I just kissed his head and went to work.

_Imai's _is packed as usual and because one of the waitresses quit, I have my own sector of tables. Things are so crazy that I completely forgot about my lunch break. Between the orders, the food, the customers, and my coffee I had no brains cells to spare to remind me to eat something. At the end of my shift my stomach was roaring so loud I thought it might collapse into itself.

"Mikan was that you?" Nobara asks with big blue eyes.

"I'm starving. I don't even know if I can make it to the burger place down the street."

"Why don't you just eat here?" She asks me putting on her coat.

"The amount of food I'm prepared to ingest at this particular moment is not covered under our employee perks. I don't want to eat myself into more debt."

Nobara just laughed and slammed her locker shut, "Well come on. I'll go with you."

I blink at her, "Really?"

"One burger isn't going to kill me Mikan. I've been known to indulge on occasion."

So we walked the several blocks to a burger restaurant and I ordered the biggest burger they had with fries and a soda. Nobara just watches me as I stuff my face without a care in the world. I can hear myself making those noises, that moan and groan people make when they bite into something really good. This has got to be the greatest burger I've ever tasted. Only when I've devoured three-quarters of it and half my fries, is my body able to recall how to act like a person and have conversation along with a meal.

"So what time is Youichi getting out of school?" Nobara asks me taking a sip from her straw.

"His soccer thing goes till five and I told him he can stay till six because some of the kids stay and play for a while. Now that we have a driver I can actually afford leisure time."

"Yeah what's up with that? Did your parents send him?"

"As if. It's a loan from Hotaru. Part of our business arrangement."

"Oh yeah? What's in it for her?"

I was about to say something smart when something outside of the restaurant catches my eye. That raven hair, that cocky strut, that leather jacket, no way that it's a coincidence. What is he doing walking around when he has a parade of hot rides at his disposal and even more curious is the fact that he's slipping down an alley while taking glances over his shoulder.

"Hey Nobara, um I think I see someone I know. I'll be right back."

She just replies, "Okay!" in her happy tone and keeps eating.

I slip out of the restaurant and across the not too busy street and up the alley. I walk quietly, careful not to step on any garbage or kick any empty bottles, until I hear the voices. It's coming from the back of the building and they're speaking in low tones.

My mother always said no good comes from snooping, but I can't help but creep closer to the voices, pressing myself up against the wall and straining myself to hear their conversation. The alley stinks and I'm pretty sure there is something crawling in the trashcan next to me, but I can't think about that right now. A lighted cigarette bud flies from their direction and for a moment I thought they knew I was there, but no footsteps accompanied the cigarette so I stayed where I was.

"Nothing is free Hyuuga; didn't your rich daddy tell you that?" A man taunted, "You want in, you have to pay your dues, but since the boss man wants you so bad he might be willing to waive your fee."

"What does he want?" Natsume asks as stoic as ever.

"Well you'll have to ask him about that won't you? But I'll tell you this much. You get him what he wants and you become the right hand to a guy on the rise. You might even become our boss, so before that happens you can pay us for this vital information."

I chance taking a peak around the corner and see Natsume put a stack of bills into a much older red headed man's hand. He hands it to a very muscular guy standing off to his right and sticks out his hand again. Natsume just looks at him.

"Our usual fee isn't going to cut it. This isn't some cut rate rumor floating around your little high school kid. This is some big stuff that I don't even think you're ready for."

"Come off it Reo. I'm not giving you anymore money until I meet this guy and see if he's even the real thing."

"Oh he's real. And you better slip me a little something extra before things get very. . .physical in this alleyway."

Natsume scoffs and turns to walk off toward me. I press my back against the brick wall and hold my breath.

"Oi Hyuuga brat!" the man yells.

Some scuffling of shoes and grunts ensued and I manage to wedge myself behind a dumpster. The smell is putrid, but my fear has me straining myself to hear.

"This isn't over kid!" someone else shouts.

I watch completely frozen over as Natsume walks right past me seemingly unharmed. I countdown from sixty to zero before forcing myself to move from behind the trashcan. I cautiously exit the alleyway the way I came and peer out before walking out onto the sidewalk. No sigh of Natsume, but Nobara is standing outside of the restaurant looking worried. I wave at her as I cross the street.

"Mikan! What happened to you?" Nobara asks looking worried.

"Yeah sorry it wasn't the person I thought it was and then I fell. I'm so stupid."

She smiles, "It's okay. I'm just glad you're not hurt. We should probably head back to_ Imai's_ so your driver can pick you up."

"Yeah." I say absently.

We walk back to _Imai's_ with Nobara filling the empty space between us talking about her evil math teacher and the unfair pop quiz he sprang that day. I keep looking around checking that Natsume or any of those guys he met in the alley weren't around. I'm beginning to think that Natsume's problems stretch a little deeper than I am prepared to deal with. I'm trying not to assume anything, but it seems pretty clear the lifestyle Natsume wants to pursue.

As we approach _Imai's_ I can see Grant standing outside of the car waiting for me. I say goodbye to Nobara, who offers to take my shift down at the bar because I 'fell'. I feel bad for taking advantage of her kindness, but I do smell like a dumpster. I wave my final goodbye to her and jog up to Grant. We exchange our greetings as he opens the door, inside Youichi is waiting playing some game I don't recognize and next to him leaning over his shoulder is a familiar raven haired little girl.

"Aoi-chan?" I say standing in the open doorway.

"Hi Mikan-nee-san!" she says cheerfully.

"Hi," I say getting into the car, "What are you doing here?"

"My onii-san forgot to pick me up again and my mama is at the hospital. I didn't want to be alone, so Youichi-kun said I could come with him." She said beaming.

I push past my shock, "What about your dad?"

"My papa is in Europe for the week." She says peering over Youichi's shoulder again.

"Well Aoi-chan I don't want to take you somewhere without your parents knowing." I say uncomfortably.

"Oh it's okay Mikan-nee-san, I called my mama and told her. She's looking for my nii-san now."

I couldn't very well argue with her because then she'll think I don't want her around and the last thing you want to do is hurt the feeling of a small child. I just don't want a kidnapping charge on my record, it hits a little close to home where me and Youichi are concerned. I sigh and just watch Youichi play the game which no doubt belongs to Aoi. They take turns all the way back to the apartment. I punch us into the building and walk them up the stairs. Tsubasa casts me a weird look from the desk but I wave him off in a "Don't worry, I'll explain later" sort of way.

After opening the apartment door and getting the kids something to eat while they sit down and do their homework, I finally change out of my dirty clothes. I'm making a pitcher of pink lemonade (Aoi's favorite) when the phone Misaki lent me starts to ring. It's one of those old corded phones hooked directly into the wall. I wipe my hands on my sweatpants and pick up the phone.

"Hello Sakura residence." I say cheerfully.

"Is this Mikan?" a woman's voice asked.

"Who's calling?" I ask leaning against the wall.

"This is Hyuuga Kaoru. Aoi's mother."

"Ah Mrs. Hyuuga hello! I'm sorry, but Aoi was already in the car and she said it was okay and I didn't have a number to call-"

"It's okay Mikan-chan! I'm just glad she's with someone instead of sitting outside the school by herself. I already called Imai-san and she said you were trustworthy. I was in the middle of surgery and couldn't call anyone to get her. I swear that son of mine. If you could hold on to her until I get there I would really appreciate it!"

"Of course I can. Do you need the address?"

"Not to worry Imai-san has faxed me everything I need. See you in an hour or so!"

I hang up the phone and inform Aoi-chan that her mother will come get her. She nods and goes back to her homework. I pour them two glasses of lemonade and flop on the couch with my poetry book. About a half an hour into my reading there is a buzz at the door. I go to the pad and speak into the intercom expecting Mrs. Hyuuga, but I was wrong. With an eye roll I press the buzzer to let the person in. Youichi and Aoi are still doing their homework with Aoi complaining about not getting it. I open the door after several sharp knocks from the outside. Natsume Hyuuga is standing outside of my door looking irritated.

"Can I help you?" I ask standing in the doorway blocking his path into the apartment.

"I'm here for my sister." He says pushing past me.

I close the door and lock it Aoi greets her brother and starts to pack her things. Natsume stands disinterestedly behind the couch and Youichi puts away his own books. I can feel something welling up inside of me and suddenly I can't take it anymore.

"Youichi will you walk Aoi-chan down to the lobby and wait with Tsubasa until I get there?"

He just blinks at me, but hops off the barstool and walks Aoi to the door. It isn't until the door closes behind them that Natsume speaks.

"Are you going to give me another lecture about not giving up on me?" He asks with a smirk.

"Oh I'm more than ready to give up on you."

He walks to the counter grabbing Aoi's half empty glass and taking a drink of lemonade.

"I went out to lunch with Nobara today. Funny thing is I got a little lost on the way to the restaurant and ended up in this alley. I could've sworn I heard a bunch of guys talking."

"Tch. I don't have time for this." He tries to head for the door.

"Who's Reo?" I ask making him stop cold and look at me.

"You were following me?"

"Are you really avoiding the question?"

He just silently glares at me.

"There's a lot of things I don't know about you, but one thing I do know is that whatever you're looking for isn't what you think it is." I tell him.

"Oh really?"

"Yes. You think it's like the dramas? Shady deals in deserted places, fakes guns and money? It's very real and you have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

"And how would you know? You're just a stupid little girl who's probably been sheltered her whole life."

"You don't know anything about me! And you damn sure don't know what I've been through. You're calling _me_ sheltered? You've had everything handed to you since the day you were born. You never had to be poor, struggling, living on the street, or afraid of anything. People worship you and you take it all for granted."

He leans in close, "Don't be a hypocrite. You don't know me either."

"I know what you're looking for, something to fill that emptiness inside of you. You can't fill yourself with that kind of life and those kinds of people. It numbs the emptiness, but it doesn't make it go away. You forgot your sister today and from your mom's tone I'm guessing it's not the first time. She needs you, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for her. Pull your head out of your butt and wake up."

"Just shut up." He says pulling away.

"I want to believe that you're a good person for Youichi's sake, but I won't have him hanging around with you anymore if this is the kind of life you're going to choose."

"You can't control me. You can't control him. You can pretend you're the big sister in charge of everything, but when it comes right down to it. Everyone is going to do what they want anyway, so why bother?"

I sigh, "I hope that whatever you're looking for, doesn't find you."

He turns his back on me and walks to the door, "And if it does I hope you can get out before it's too late."

He turns to look at me from the door, "You're not my sister, you're not my girlfriend, you're not even my friend so don't act like you give a damn."

"Maybe I don't, but one thing I know for sure is that my brother thinks you're a good person. Don't disappoint him. He's been let down by too many people already."

My apartment door slams shut behind him and I stand there leaning against the couch listening to the silence. He's right, in a lot of ways, but wrong in the most important way. He's wrong if he thinks that I don't know what it's like on the other side because I have been pressed up against the fence, forced to look at the other side for years. Watching people as young as fifteen drift into the living room of that house jonesing for their next fix, people my mother's age strung out and passed out on the floor.

Persona is no big crime boss and we didn't live in a palace, but he was a pretty well known drug dealer around our area. If being into drugs and crime was a video game Persona would be at level three. The way Natsume is going is like he just put the game into the console and is still creating his character before starting level one.

I wouldn't want anyone to play this game especially someone who has the means to stay far, far away from it. Youichi comes back into the apartment a few minutes later and looks at me. I try to smile, but it doesn't stay there long. I rub his hair and hug him into my abdomen. Natsume is in a place that I don't think anyone can reach him.

"Youichi why don't you go take a shower and I'll make you some soup, okay?"

He looks up at me as if ready to protest, but he just disappears into the bathroom. I go to the phone and dial the only number I know by heart.

The phones rings several times before it's answered.

"Hotaru? I need your help."

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 14 is already in progress!<em>

_I know, I know I'm on a roll! Hopefully it doesn't stop, but I will have to go to work at some point._

_Anyhoo!_

_The story is progressing rather splendidly from an author stand point so let me know what you think!_

_Also try to keep in mind that once that really big stuff starts to happen it's a sign that we're almost at the end and no one wants that right? Except maybe me so I can work on some more fantastic ideas._

_Leave me lots of reviews!_

_Lots of love_

_Chi-chan_


	14. Go

****_Hello everyone, _

_Thank you for choosing to read my story. I know you have a wide variety of stories to keep you entertained, but I am so glad that you chose mine._

_So please sit back (or stand if you like) and enjoy the weird ramblings of my brain twisted and pounded into a fanfic for your amusement._

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14: Go<strong>

Talking to Hotaru didn't help me feel better or comfort me in any way, but if that's what I was looking for, I wouldn't have called her to begin with. I needed to talk to Hotaru because her brutal honesty allows me to regain a hold of rational thinking and it allows me to vent to someone who will say more than "That sucks" or "Natsume's a jerk".

"You'll have to be more persistent. If you insist on being the hero, you'll have to try harder." She says monotonously.

"Can't you just get Ruka to talk to him?"

"I can't get Ruka to stop talking to him. Even though they're similar in a lot of ways, Ruka and Natsume are vastly different mentally. When something is bothering Ruka, you can find him at the animal shelter or with the horses, Natsume just goes off the grid. And if what you heard was accurate, I'm guessing he's about to take off again."

I flop onto the couch and groan, "I know what happens when this starts, but I don't know how it will end."

"Natsume is smart, but he is irrational when it comes to dealing with internal conflict. I think he's craving at environment where it's okay to punch someone when they piss you off."

"But you don't think he's capable of killing someone, do you?"

"I think _he_ thinks he's capable and that's more than enough to get a gun into his hand."

I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to think.

And then it hits me.

"Hey Hotaru, Natsume is number one in your class right?"

She scoffs, "Don't remind me."

"I think I have an idea."

This isn't over yet.

* * *

><p>Because of frequent traveling or always being on call at the hospital, the Hyuugas have opted out of the luxurious mansion living for a very posh penthouse in the most expensive hotel in Nagoya (that they also happen to own), The Ruby Plaza. You need a special pass code and access card to be able to access their floor via the elevator and everything and everyone is thoroughly checked by security personnel. I wasn't expecting to have my purse thoroughly checked and almost being frisked by their guards, but luckily Aoi-chan met me in the lobby before my pat down.<p>

She admired my outfit: a pair of black jeans, a blue empire waist shirt, and my comfortable and stylish black army boots accompanied by my grey pea coat. Aoi looked cute in her simple pink house dress and fuzzy black cat slippers. We ride the elevator all the way to the twenty third floor and step into the penthouse itself.

The foyer is covered in marble flooring with a small dark wood table pressed against the opposite wall with a large vase of white roses placed on top. A maid takes my coat and hat and Aoi tugs me pass the living room with its all-white furniture and giant screen television hanging on the wall. The stairs are wide and twist in a spiral up to the second floor with a wide and elegant hand rail. I follow Aoi pass the stairs and through the archway into a small dining room where a woman with long raven hair sat wearing dark blue hospital scrubs. Her white coat hangs over the back of one of the chairs with a nametag clipped to it reading **Hyuuga, Kaoru MD**. She has a pair of rectangular frame glasses hugging the bridge of her nose as she continues to write something down. I wonder if I should call her Dr. Hyuuga instead or maybe she'll think I'm being too formal. Aoi's voice cuts through my nervous thoughts.

"Mama, Mikan is here!" Aoi announces climbing into one of the chairs at the table where there is a bowl of fruit awaiting her.

Mrs. Hyuuga removes her glasses and looks up with a smile, "Hello Mikan-chan. It's nice to meet you in person."

I shake her hand and bow deeply, "It's an honor Mrs. Hyuuga."

"I was so glad to hear from Imai-san that you would be coming over. I wanted to thank you for watching Aoi the other day. I hope she wasn't too much trouble."

"No trouble at all. She and Youichi seem to be good friends."

"Ah yes your brother. Where is he?" she says looking behind me to see if he might be hiding.

"He has cram school today. Narumi-sensei thinks that Youichi is easily bored in school so he decided cram school would be a good way to keep his mind engaged."

"That's exactly how Natsume was at that age. School always seemed like a chore to him and he excelled so easily much to the dismay of his teachers. You can't very well punish a child for sleeping in class if he's done all the work. I used to get so many calls about his horrible behavior, but there was nothing I could do about it so eventually they just let him be."

"Youichi-kun is very smart! He helps me with my math because I don't get it at all!" Aoi announces shoving fruit into her tiny mouth.

"We were really worried about Aoi. She has a hard time making friends because of her brother."

Aoi nods eagerly, "No one would sit with me because they thought my onii-san would get them. I tried to tell them my onii-san wouldn't do that, but they wouldn't listen. Youichi-kun is the first person to be my friend."

"I think you're his first friend too."

"Really?" Her eyes light up.

I nod and she looks really happy with herself. Mrs. Hyuuga just smiles. As one of the maids pass by, Mrs. Hyuuga sends her to fetch Natsume who is still sleeping.

"I swear I don't know what to do with that boy. He's hardly ever home and when he is, he just locks himself in his room." She sighs deeply.

Poor woman probably feels defeated and confused about how she could have raised two completely different children. Natsume is a surly pessimist with a serious brooding complex whereas Aoi smiles like she's covered in sunshine even when it rains. Her cheeks are stuffed with diced strawberries as she hums merrily to herself. I take a seat in one of the empty chairs and pull a rather thick book out of my purse.

"Well you will be happy to know that Natsume agreed to help me study for my high school equivalency exam."

Her crimson eyes perk up in surprise. "Really?"

"Yep. He's trying to turn over a new leaf. I can feel it." I say with a smile.

"I'll believe that when I see it." She says taking off her glasses.

Natsume, looking even more irritated than normal, shuffles into the room wearing a faded blue t-shirt and black sweat pants with his hands shoved into the deep pockets. He raises an eyebrow at me and then looks at his mother.

"What do you want?" He asks as sour as ever.

"Such a rude son I've raised. Mikan is here for your tutoring session."

"Wha-"

"I was just telling your mother about how grateful I am that you're going to help me pass my test. This quality time together will surely do something to improve your attitude."

"Tch." He simply turned on his heel and walked out.

I give a little wave to Aoi and Mrs. Hyuuga, who both look doubtful like it's only a matter of time before Natsume chucks me out a window, but I will not be dissuaded. I grab my bag and book and follow the raven headed boy up the spiral staircase and down the brightly lit hall to a single door at the very end. Inside is dimly lit with a dark maroon curtain cast over the windows and the floor is covered in clothes. Natsume lays face down on his bed and pulls a pillow over his head.

"What a slob." I comment kicking a pair of jeans out of my path.

I put my book and purse down on the bare surface of the desk and take in his room. It smells like leftover pizza and sweat. Not what I imagined at all for a modern day prince's room. The sheets beneath him on the bed are twisted and rumpled. There's a lamp and alarm clock knocked over on the floor. The room itself is beautifully decorated with its high ceiling and renaissance decorum. It even has a fire place, such a waste of a beautiful living space on such an ungrateful twerp. I walk over to his unmoving body and just look at him. He looks like a regular guy to me, not the brooding, perverted, sadistic, aggravating bastard I've come to despise.

"Get out. I'm not in the mood for your moronic antics today." He says from under his pillow.

That's better.

I walk to the window and pull back the curtains letting painfully bright sunshine into his room. Now I can see why he keeps it so dark in here, it's to hide the mess. I see the slightly opened pizza box sticking out from under his bed and the duffel bag containing his sweaty gym clothes sitting in the corner next to his large television. There's clothes and shoes littering the floor. And cigarette burns in the carpet.

"Natsume, I really am here for tutoring. You're number one in your class in one of the best schools in the country, can't you help me?"

He doesn't move, "No."

Arguing will get me nowhere so instead I just sit at his desk and read the problems out loud as I go through them. Math was always my worst subject. I didn't do too badly, but it definitely wasn't on par with my grades in Composition and Home Economics. I read the problems louder than normal speaking volume just to get on his nerves. I can hear him rolling over behind me trying to drown out the sound of my math problems. I even talk out loud as I try to solve the problems, asking myself questions about the proper methods.

Fifteen minutes in and Natsume huffs out of his bed and storms into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind him. I hold in a chuckle and creep over to the door, continuing to read loudly from the book even when I hear the shower turn on. I can practically see him in there getting more and more annoyed by the second: my voice piercing through his thoughts like a sharp blade, not giving him a moment's rest. I jump as I hear the shower shut off and practically sprint across the room back to the desk. I pretend to be very focused on the calculus problem in front of me when the bathroom door opens behind me. He stomps to his bedroom door kicking it shut.

_Click._

The distinct sound of a lock sliding into place breaks me from my reading. I turn to look at him, which in hindsight was a really bad idea seeing as he just emerged from his bathroom which is not conveniently connected to his closet like at the Imai house. A pale blue towel hugs his narrow hips and droplets of water slide down his toned figure. His mop of raven hair clings to the side of his face as he rummages in his drawers for clothes. I can feel my cheeks getting hot as I turn away from him. I force myself back to my math problems, but they're all turning into questions about Natsume.

_How many water droplets does it take to cover the surface area of Natsume's entire body?_

_If a towel is 36 inches in width, how many times can it wrap around Natsume's narrow hips?_

Then I remember who I'm talking about exactly. Natsume Hyuuga: bad attitude, wanna-be gang member, perverted playboy. No thank you. Reality quells my mischievous mind from any more hormone driven thoughts about Natsume. The boy practically bangs anything that moves. My math problems should read something like:

_If Natsume walks into a bar at nine-fifteen, how many girls can he take home and bang before his mother gets home at midnight?_

I wonder if he takes his female concubines here for the conquering. A bad boy from a drama I watched once never brought any of his lady-friends to his home, afraid that they would 'taint' his sanctuary. Natsume's probably like that. I tap my pencil against the smooth surface of the desk and read through the books explanation, which might as well be in Chinese.

"Are you ready to help me yet?" I ask taking a cautious glance at the boy who is finally dressed.

"I never agreed to anything. You showing up here is your business." He replies fastening a watch to his wrist.

I stand up to stretch, "Well I need help and you're the smartest guy in your school."

He grabs his jacket off the floor and heads to the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" I ask.

"None of your business idiot."

I launch myself at the door before he can yank it open, "Not so fast! What will your mother say if you just left me up here by myself? You're supposed to be tutoring me."

"That's your problem, not mine." He says.

"No it is your problem because I'm guessing those worry lines on your mother's face isn't from her patients."

He tries to pull the door open and it takes all of my weight to slam it back shut, "Here me out. If your mom sees you leaving she'll just bug you with a million questions about where you're going, who you'll be with, and when you'll be back. Right now, she is completely perplexed that you're tutoring me of your own free will, so the next time you go out she'll be less inclined to nag you with questions."

He just stares at me with a blank face. I'm thinking that any second he'll throw me out from in front of the door and storm out. Much to my surprise, he sighs and removes his jacket. Before he could change his mind I grab my book from the desk and plop down next to him on the edge of his bed.

"Math was never my strong suit. I don't get this equation." I say pointing to the combination of numbers and letters on the page.

"That's a reference formula, not an equation idiot." He corrects me.

He snatches my pencil from me and scribbles down the steps for solving the actual equation using the reference formula, turning what first appeared to be hieroglyphics into something that actually makes sense. The next hour went by in the same manner: I don't get something, he insults me, works out the equation in simple steps, and leaves me stunned as to how he does it so fast. He barely even looks at the problem before he jots the method down.

I'm finally getting into the full swing of the math section, lying on Natsume's bed with my elbows pressed into the soft mattress covered in navy blue satin sheets. He lies next to me with a manga covering his face and ear buds in his ears blasting a song I don't recognize. His jacket covers his stomach like a blanket and for a moment I forget how much I dislike him and just focus on my work and how grateful I should be that he's helping me. He could've just left, outing me to his mother in the process. She would then label me a crazy Natsume fan girl and kick me out. Hotaru would be furious because she's the one who got me here in the first place with just her word as my entry ticket. But no, instead of all that, Natsume and I are lying in bed together like it's the most natural thing in the world.

I struggle to figure out the next problem in the book. I'm more than confident that I can pass the equivalency test, but the fact that Youichi's adoption is riding on it makes me want to work all of the problems and make sure I know them backwards and forwards. I nudge Natsume's foot with my own trying to get his attention. I don't know if he's fallen asleep or is just ignoring me. I sit up and nudge him a little harder this time.

Lazy bum.

I lift the manga off his face expecting crimson eyes to be glaring at me from underneath, but his eyes are closed. Long, thick eyelashes fan out from his closed lids and his expression is blank, but less indifferent and more at peace. Natsume is the only boy I've ever been close to physically. He's not afraid of dwelling in my personal space and invading boundaries that others cautiously approach. Persona invades my space, but the smell of alcohol and the feel of grimy, dirty hands follow soon after.

I always wondered what it felt like to be held by a boy in a caring and protective way with hands that caress instead of hurt, with eyes that glow instead of burn, and with a smile that comforts instead of a scowl that intimidates. I've always wondered about such a person, what girl doesn't? But to pursue such a fruitless dream is just that. Normal girls my age are clinging to high school sweethearts, confessing to their crushes, fantasizing about their idols, and talking about their dream wedding after university.

I, on the other hand, do not have such a luxury. I don't know what I'll be doing with myself weeks or even days from now. I have no plans for university because I never had much time to think about what I wanted to be as a grown up. I have no plans for a career because aside from surviving I have no other talents that would take me anywhere. I have no romantic plans because what guy would want a girl with no future? Let alone one who's only accomplishment will be passing an equivalency exam and adopting a minor who depends on her. My ideal man would be someone like my father: someone who is nice, and likes to make people laugh, someone who does the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do, someone who sees the bright side of everything, and someone who makes me see sunshine behind the dark clouds.

I place the manga on the bed and just stare off into space. I should wake him because I really do need help, but his sourness will just spoil the peace in the room like a gun shot that goes off in a peaceful forest, forcing all the woodland creatures to scatter. Despite my best efforts to hold on to the moment, a crimson iris narrows at me through a half open eyelid.

"What now? You don't get something again? Why do you even bother?"

The music blaring in his head phones tells me that he couldn't hear me even if I did respond to him, so I merely shrug and hold out the book to him. He takes it from me and looks at the page.

"Which one?" He asks sitting up against his pillows.

I don't recall the problem I was on because of my ramblings so I just point to a random question that I haven't gotten to yet.

"We just did one like this." He huffs taking the pencil from behind my ear.

I shrug again and sit next to him a little closer than I would under normal circumstances, but I have to be able to see the problem after all. He finishes writing the steps and hands me the book and pencil instead of just shoving it towards me. In turn I hand him his manga which he opens to read instead of replacing it on his face. I try to focus on working the problem but the thumping bass in his headphones is a little distracting. I pull the ear bud out of his left ear, earning myself a glare.

"Do you mind? It's a little distracting." I say.

"So is silence." He retorts replacing the ear bud.

I take it out again, "You'll lose your hearing."

"Thanks mom." He replies sarcastically.

"I'm just saying. How are you supposed to be in a gang if you're deaf?"

He huffs, "This again."

"Why do you even want to do that kind of thing?" I ask.

"It's none of your business."

"Maybe I'll make it my business. Or is that something you reserve for pillow talk with your girlfriends?"

"Why are you so interested in my girlfriends?"

"So you admit that you have multiple girlfriends!"

"Tch. I admit to nothing."

"So you have multiple girlfriends, but you won't admit it, which indicates a much deeper psychological problem." I say thoughtfully stroking my chin.

He snatches my book out of my hands and tosses it across the room, "If you're going to talk nonsense, then this tutoring session is over."

"Hey! What'd you do that for?" I yell clamoring over him to get to the floor.

He takes firm hold of my waist and rolls on top of me situating himself between my legs. I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that Natsume Hyuuga being in my personal space invokes more annoyance than embarrassment coupled with flailing limbs or the fact that my lack of flailing may indicate something more sinister. After all, our position can be misconstrued as an intimate couples romp.

Shudder at the thought.

"Or maybe I can tutor you in something else?" He says raising his eyebrow.

I roll my eyes, "This again? Didn't you already lose this game?"

"I prefer to think of that as a warm-up."

"Seriously? Natsume it's nauseating enough having to be around you to try and keep you from doing something dumb, but the whole suggestive remarks thing is going to make me upchuck all over your nice satin sheets."

He sits up on his knees, slightly shocked. I rise up on my elbows and maintain eye contact.

"Your entire pursuit of the flesh is a tired game that I don't even think you like to play. So why do it? Does it help you escape your bland existence for a spell? Or maybe you just feel like a god being able to get girls to do whatever you want. I bet you've even been with more than one girl at a time haven't you?"

His silence is all the answer I need.

"Up until this point I was actually having a pretty good time and you really did help me a lot. Maybe if you spent more of your time like this instead of doing that other stuff you might actually find some peace within yourself."

He just continues to stare at me torn between throwing me out a window and just storming out, but somehow rooted to the bed right in front of me. It's then I notice the slight outline of bags beneath his eyes. I reach up and press my palm to his face tracing the line with my thumb. He leans into my hand ever so slightly.

"You don't sleep much do you?"

He brings his forehead down to my shoulder and just stays there for a minute, just breathing. I wonder if it's loud where he is. Back with Yuka, it was the silence that kept me awake. Everything just seemed so quiet all the time that the slightest sound made me leap from my bed. In the silence, memories taunted me with my dad's voice sounding like he was right there beside me. Sometimes though, it was loud like standing in the middle of a busy street with cars zooming past, honking their horns. I felt trapped under all the noise like any minute I would just open my bedroom window and make it silent forever.

Maybe all of his behavior is just Natsume's way of escaping the noise, doing something extreme to cope with it. I don't know what demons are torturing him, but if I can give him even a little comfort I will. I am my father's daughter after all.

We stay in our position for a while, but a knock at the door brings back reality and Natsume leaps from my arms and heads for the door. My palm still feels warm as I hold it up to my own face. A maid brings in a tray of fruits and leaves it on the table. Natsume leaves the door open after she leaves and stands there contemplating.

"You should go." He says after a minute.

Seconds feel like hours as I pull on my boots and get my book off the ground. I stop next to him on my way to the door and look him straight in the eye.

"I'm not really leaving you know. I'm still going to be here." I put the palm of my hand to his forehead, "In here."

I lower my hand to his chest, feeling the dull thump against my fingertips, "And eventually I'll find my way in here. I won't lose someone else to the darkness because despite what I may say. . . I don't hate you Natsume."

And it wasn't until I was safe outside in front of the hotel that I knew how true my words were because despite the cold wind licking my cheeks, my hand is still warm.

* * *

><p>I met with Hotaru at the <em>Cheshire Café <em>for lunch since Youichi is still in cram school. She arrived ten minutes after me wearing a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, white ankle boots and her cream colored cashmere jacket and matching hat. She slips the coat off her shoulders revealing a white silk blouse and the same snow flake necklace from the other night hanging from her neck. We order some hot chocolate and she tells me about her mother and Shizune finally getting somewhere with the wedding planning and how thankful she is that she has no need for marriage.

"It's just not financially responsible. Risking all of your net worth on someone, who statistically will end up leaving you in two years and take half of your possessions with them. One minute you're living luxuriously and the next minute you're using a chainsaw to cut everything in half."

"I think that's what a prenuptial agreement is for." I tell her.

"The court system is hardly adequate to be able to decide what 'half' is."

"Shouldn't you marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever?"

"If such feelings existed, marriage wouldn't be needed to act as the proverbial ball and chain."

"You're telling me that if Ruka proposed to you, you would say no?"

"Of course. We're too young for that kind of thing and besides what Ruka and I have is a business agreement. Once graduation is over, he and I will go our separate paths."

"Uh-huh."

She looks up from her phone and blinks at me, "What?"

"Oh nothing. I was just agreeing with you."

An eyebrow arches upward, "You tone is one of derision. Why?"

I sip my hot chocolate from its large red and white decorated mug and say nothing. It entertains me that I can get somewhat of a rise out of Hotaru especially considering that we're talking about Ruka. Not that she would ever admit it, but I think she and Ruka like each a lot more than their relationship let's on.

"I'm totally in agreement with you, Hotaru. No derision here, just simple agreement. You are the smart one after all."

She narrows her eyes at me slightly, "You're annoying me. Are you going to stop this nonsense and tell me what happened with Natsume or not?"

I tell her most of what happened: my arrival, the almost frisking, meeting Mrs. Hyuuga, Natsume's bland entrance, my tactics at getting him to tutor and then leaving to have lunch with her. I leave out the bits and pieces pertaining to physical contact, mostly because I don't know what it was myself and talking to Hotaru about it might convince me it was something that it really wasn't: perhaps meaningful, or even nice? I refuse to let my mind linger on it for too long. My attraction to Natsume is purely hormonal and drama-TV driven and the rest of it is my stubborn curiosity about what Youichi can see in Natsume that I can't. Sometimes it's there, a small glimmer of him being nice or maybe even vulnerable, but as quickly as it comes, that's how quickly it goes. He just opens that mouth of his and everything I think I almost have a grasp of slips away, but I'm getting better, I think, at seeing through his rouse.

"So what are you going to do now?" Hotaru asks pulling me back into the present.

"Um, I don't know. Let him simmer I guess. It's his move really. I can't just keep showing up at his house."

"True. He'll just write you off as another fan girl with a new tactic."

I roll my eyes, "I think he knows that I'm no fan of his."

"Regardless, he's put the moves on you and the minute you give in, you'll be shut out. You just need to dig a crawl space big enough to squeeze through, find what's broken, and fix it before you give in to your hormones."

I ignore the hormone bit, "You make him sound like a machine."

"Machines are easy. I understand machines. If something breaks you isolate the mechanism, get in, fix it, and get out, reboot and everything's fine. People are another case entirely, but I assume you understood what I meant."

I nod, "Yeah I do. I just don't know if I can. I have my own stuff going on and this whole Natsume thing sounds like its more trouble than it's worth."

She shrugs, "Then quit."

I sigh blowing my bangs skyward, "I'm in too deep. Youichi likes him and I want to at least be able to tolerate him and not want to torch my insides when he walks into the room. Plus, I can't have Youichi looking up to him if he's going to pursue that kind of lifestyle. I didn't run away from the devil to dance with a demon."

"Well put." She comments raising her mug to her pink tinted lips.

"What he needs is a serious reality check." I say.

"You could just tell him your life story." She suggested.

I scoff picking up my mug, "He wouldn't believe me. He thinks I'm sheltered and I don't understand that part of life."

It's quite comical that Natsume thinks I'm the one who's sheltered when I've been living with a drug trafficker for three years. The amount of liquor and cocaine I've had to clean up, the druggies I've had to shove out the backdoor, the number of times I had to take care of my mother is enough to write me a ticket to the funny farm for psyche evaluation. Yet he sits in his fortress penthouse with maids, butlers, drivers and everything he wants at the snap of his fingers, and I'm the one who's sheltered? I really should tell him my life story, maybe then he'll get the picture. Knowing Natsume, he won't believe me, write me off as a liar who will say anything to get what she wants and disappear to Gangland.

Not even a plate of piping hot Wonderland pasta can raise my spirits.

"Maybe you should give in." Hotaru says randomly.

"What?"

"I was just thinking that maybe the way to get through to Natsume is to appeal to him on a more intimate level. My older brother has tried for years to steer me in a medical direction, but he failed and created a gap between us. You never want a sibling to tell you what to do. A lover on the other hand. . ."

"Are you suggesting that I trade my virtue to Natsume to get him to stay away from the dark path?"

"I wouldn't put it so bluntly, but you have to admit relationships with women have steered men off course for centuries. Take the bible as an example."

"You've read the bible?"

"Of course. Mostly for reference and to invalidate arguments, but I also consider myself a well-rounded person."

"So I'm to use my feminine wiles to steer Natsume off course?"

"It's a good plan."

"It's an awful plan! It's a dangerous plan! Sumire and Luna would tear me to shreds and leave pieces of me for Gretchen and the rest of his worshippers. Not to mention I kind of hate the guy."

"You've been mindlessly spacing out ever since I got here, looking dreamily out the window as if remembering something fond. When you were telling me about what happened today you trailed off at times leading me to believe more happened then what you're letting on and the fact that you're not telling just confirms something happened. You're too frigid for anything _too_ intimate to take place, but I would chance a guess that it was something deep that involved some light caressing and prolonged gazes."

It's like she was in the freaking room.

"You're terrifying, you know that?"

"Noted." She replied taking a bite of her salad.

"It's not that I didn't want to tell you, it's just that I don't know what to think of it myself. There were these moments where everything just felt so quiet like he and I just hang out together all the time and it's no big deal. I don't know. I told him I wouldn't give up and that I didn't hate him."

"And why did you say that?"

"I don't know. Because I meant it? I think I did. He just seemed to be teetering between being two people in that moment and I just wanted to reach inside and pull that other person out: that non-hostile person, the person that might actually talk to me like a person. I don't know. I guess it was pretty dumb."

"Not the adjective I'd use, but never the less you said you wouldn't give up so now you just have to figure out what to do with yourself."

Hotaru left me with my thoughts and my half eaten pasta (and the bill!). I decided that thinking too hard about things would be counter-productive so I got Grant to take me to the school so I could wait the last half hour before Youichi got out. I leaned on the outside of the car with my hands tucked into my pockets staring up at the school. It's large and looming almost like a castle. I imagine myself wearing the uniform I saw Anna in, hanging out with friends by the rows of lockers, eating lunch in a grand cafeteria that uses real silverware and not plastic, and going home to a penthouse like Aoi or a mansion like Hotaru or even a nice modest home like Anna and Nonoko. With Mom and Dad waiting for me, asking about my day, and the smell of cookies wafting through the room. Youichi would come home after soccer just in time for dinner and Mom would tell him to go wash up and Dad would go with him.

I smile to myself at such a ridiculous fantasy. If my dad was alive Youichi and I would never have met and I wouldn't have come all the way to Nagoya. I wouldn't have met Hotaru and Anna, and Nobara. I can't imagine not knowing them. I can't imagine not having Youichi's tiny feet stumbling to keep up with me. As he bounds down the stairs with some other boys from his class I take a mental picture. I don't need a fantasy in my head because my most precious dream is coming true before my eyes. Youichi looks like a regular kid, aside from his blank face. The other boys chat animatedly around him and he actually waves as they run off. He walks up to me giving me a 'What?' look, but I just smile and open the car door for him.

He has no idea how happy he makes me.

* * *

><p>Sumire is pissed off and no one is to blame aside from Natsume Hyuuga (of course). Gretchen got the word around that Natsume is exclusively seeing someone. Just to get a rise out of Sumire, she apparently dressed up the story.<p>

A lot.

How the girl is a leggy brunette from Paris who is on her way to becoming a big time model. She went as far to name drop the top designer brands the mysterious brunette was wearing that night and how Gretchen had to back off because Natsume grabbed his new girlfriend by the waist and strode off to a private booth. She even threw in a hotel stay at the end just to watch the vein by Sumire's left eye twitch with annoyance and rage.

After the storytelling, which took place before I got to work (thank God), Sumire went around questioning everyone about the mysterious brunette which did more harm than good because the other girls thought they also heard a rumor about Natsume's new French super model girlfriend. She apparently lives in his family's hotel and drives a red Porsche (because she and Natsume just had to match). Someone even mentioned something about an engagement to help seal a business deal with her family.

These girls watch waaaaaay too many dramas.

Me? A French super model? I don't even know the French word for model.

_Modele?_

The rumor spread across the bar like an alcohol fueled fire. Sumire's sour expression looks like she smelled something foul and her face froze immediately afterward. The usual string of guys buying her drinks and flirting with her was absent as she sat on her usual perch with arms crossed over her prominent chest. Her shimmering green blouse left nothing to the imagination revealing her bra underneath. Her black shorts coupled with fishnet stockings and dark green knee high boots made her legs look really long and her overall demeanor is that of an extremely pissed off girl with a fresh manicure that is ready to scratch out eyes.

When Natsume walked into the bar at a quarter to midnight, Sumire slapped on her happiest smile and primped her hair a bit before hopping down off the bar and making a peacock strut over to him. She trailed her tongue across her lips in what I guess is supposed to be a seductive manner. Natsume, whose eyes barely lingered on Sumire for more than a minute, looked around the room like he was trying to find someone.

Terrified, that it was me, I busied myself in the stockroom counting the bottles of wine and filling out the order sheet. The girl who usually does it was more than happy to trade with me so she could watch whatever was going on outside. I peeked through the swinging door and I could see Sumire talking to Natsume trying to get him to talk to her. Natsume, still looking around, spotted something across the room and shrugged Sumire off. Curious, I opened the door wider to see who or what it was. My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the man Natsume was talking to. It was the red headed man from the alley the other day. Reo I think his name is.

He smiles a big grin upon seeing Natsume and slaps a hand on his back. They sit down at Natsume's usual table and order drinks from a very eager blonde. I try to get a closer look when someone crashes into the door knocking me flat on my butt.

"Ow!" I yell.

Sumire's emerald eyes narrow at me, "What are you doing in here? Risa is on inventory check tonight."

I get up rubbing my bruised tailbone, "She was feeling a little cramped so we traded."

"Psh, more like she just wanted a reason to flounce those uber fake double D boobs for Natsume and that guy."

"Who is he? I've never seen him in here before."

"A loser who use to go to our school, he was in the bottom of his class and notorious for making a scene on school grounds."

"A scene?"

She rolled her eyes, but I can tell she likes having information that I didn't know like it made her superior, "Busted for drug possession, use of drugs on campus, fighting, inappropriate conduct and the like."

"Shouldn't he have gotten expelled?"

"Reo is the only graduated and because his dad bribed the school officials so he could stay long enough to get his diploma. You would think guys like that would just fall off the grid, but he still hangs around looking to recruit high school kids."

"Recruit them for what?"

"What am I, an information desk?"

"I just thought you would know since you're kind of like the head honcho around here aside from Hotaru of course."

Stroking Sumire's ego is probably the easiest way to find out anything. A smirk appeared on her face and she flipped her curly locks over one shoulder.

"You got that right. He recruits for his lame gang, a bunch of shady types who stalk around alleys and try to push drugs on middle schoolers or something. If Reo is the brains of the outfit, they pose no serious threat. The only reason why the police don't arrest them is because of Reo's dad's reputation and money train."

"So he's not even a threat?" I ask skeptically.

She rolls her eyes again and pulls a bottle of wine from the rack, "Of course not. He's just some loser."

She disappeared back into the bar, leaving me there with my thoughts. Reo may have started out as some know-nothing loser, but that conversation with Natsume in the alleyway tells me that he may have his fingers in something very serious and he is dragging Natsume down with him. I abandon my inventory sheet and slip out of the stockroom and into the bar. Natsume and Reo seemed to be in deep conversation with half a dozen shot glasses on the table.

Maybe Natsume is just telling him off. Maybe I got through to him on some level and he was sending Reo on his way. They're just having a polite "Thanks, but no thanks" drink before Natsume resumes his normal gang-free life.

But something about that creepy grin on Reo's face and the clinking of their glasses before they downed their beverages, tells me that Natsume is doing just the opposite. Reo pulls his phone out of his pocket and shows Natsume something on the screen. Natsume glances at the phone before going back to his drink. They get up and head for the door and I feel a familiar panicky feeling in my chest. That feeling right before you're about to do something stupid, but you know you're going to do it anyway. I manage to force my way through the thick crowd of people and out the exit. I can see my breath in front of my face as I bound up the stairs looking for Natsume and Reo. The frosty breeze and my bar attire don't agree with each other and I have to lock my jaw to keep it from chattering. Instead of heading out to the street I spot Natsume and Reo going deeper into the alleyway that leads to _Imai's_ back entrance. I push myself to ignore the cold and keep going. I can see Reo's lips moving but I can't hear what they're saying. They stop just around the corner giving me a perfect vantage point for eavesdropping.

"-it's that simple." Reo concludes.

"Sounds stupid."

"Maybe to you and me, but the boss is hell bent on it. People have to know their place you know?"

"Hn."

"Think of it as a really lame initiation."

Natsume doesn't respond but I hear a beeping from a cell phone.

"I have to go. I've got a pick up tonight. Meet me up later if you're in. I'll give you all the details. Later Hyuuga."

Luckily for me, Reo chose not to come back the way he came and continued to take the alley to a different street. Unluckily for me, Natsume didn't.

"Don't you ever get sick of eavesdropping?" He asked without even stopping to look at me as he passed.

"But I have all this free time." I mock.

"Tch. You're really starting to bug me."

"I wasn't bugging you so much earlier. I'm just trying to meet my quota."

He turns on his heel and glares at me, "What the hell is your problem? You move to a new town and you just have to put your nose where it doesn't belong."

"I'll decide where my nose belongs, thank you very much. Why are you still hanging around that guy?"

"As if it's any of your business."

"I hear he's a big loser, the still-hanging-around-high-schoolers type."

"You should mind your own business before you end up in trouble."

"Like you're going to be if word gets out you're hanging around in dark alleys with shady people. Oh, but that's what you do right? Hang around in alleyways with shady guys and falling off the face of the earth from time to time."

"For someone who got defensive when she thought people were gossiping about her, you sure cling to a lot of the gossip around here."

"It's not gossip if I see you with my own eyes."

"Why don't you just leave me alone?"

"I would love to, but you have my brother convinced that you're a good person and being an older sister it is my obligation to see if you are. It's not looking good so far I'll tell you that."

He merely turned on his heel and started back towards the bar.

"Natsume wait."

He stops walking but doesn't turn.

"I'm sorry. I know I can be annoying and stupid, but I really think I can help you. Whatever you're feeling, whatever you need, I can help you. I know there's darkness in the world, but you don't have to embrace it. You can still seek out the light and be happy. Things get better, you just have to give it time."

He turns blank crimson eyes towards me and a gust of wind forces my teeth to chatter despite my jaw clenching. He slips his leather jacket off his shoulders and over mine. He looks rather thoughtful as he pushes his hands into his pockets.

"You want to help me?" He asks.

"Yes I do."

"You'll do anything?"

"Yes."

"Kiss me."

A million reactions flash to my mind: slap him, yell, walk away, sarcastic comeback, stutter like a moron, or just avoid the request all together. But as I stare up into his eyes I know this is more than a pervy request from a guy who obviously doesn't take me seriously, it's a test. Something inside him is curious about how serious I am about helping him.

I reach up with trembling fingers to touch the side of his face, not breaking eye contact for even a moment. Even in my work boots I have to guide his face down to mine. I let my eyes drift close and ever so slightly, but not completely. I press my lips to the corner of his mouth and stay there for a moment trying to convey how sincere my effort is.

I pull back from him slowly looking into his eyes as if they held the secrets to whether I passed or failed, but he just looks back at me same as before. I think we're both in a state of shock. I don't know how long we stood like that: my hand on his face our mouths close enough so I can feel his breath on my lips, his gaze drowning me so much, that I can't even feel the cold anymore. Eventually, he drifts out of my grasp and down the alleyway, disappearing around the corner. I want to call out his name, make him stop and come back, but the sound of the bar door opening and the laughter filling the alleyway as people are leaving snaps me back to reality.

What am I doing?

Being helpful and trying to make a suitable male role model out of Natsume is one thing, but kissing him and feeling. . . different about him is something else entirely. Kissing him, even that little peck so dangerously close to his actual lips, is going way outside of my comfort zone. I want to believe that I have no romantic inclinations towards Natsume, but I'd be in denial if I said the boy hasn't gotten under my skin: the way he stares, the way he smells, the way he talks, and those rare moments where I feel like we're all alone in the world. I push my arms through the sleeves of his jacket and hug my body for warmth. I should go back inside, but I'm rooted to the spot trying to make sense of the nonsense that is my brain.

By the time I force myself to move, stash the jacket in my locker and get back down to the bar my mind has floated off some place and I'm in robot mode. Even Sumire's insults and ranting couldn't reach me. I'm just elsewhere, drifting through my thoughts not stopping long enough on any of them to get caught up in serious contemplation.

Risa yelled at me about the incomplete stockroom sheet that I abandoned earlier and demanded that I finish it. It took me a whole half hour after I was supposed to get off my shift to finish it, but I did and left it hanging on the wall for the delivery guys to go through tomorrow.

"Hey there." A voice calls out to me as I'm grabbing my stuff out of my locker.

Ruka looking as dapper and blonde as ever leans on the door frame with a smile on his face. Looking at him now I can see why Hotaru's "business" is so successful. The boy is very photogenic and even when he's casual, the genuine friendliness in his eyes makes you want to trust him. His denim jeans are loosely fit and he wears a biker racing jacket over a white shirt.

"Hi Ruka. Coming from a race?"

He laughs, "No, no. I was at the track today helping Natsume with this engine Hotaru sold to him."

"She sells engines too?" I ask.

"If she can make it, she will definitely sell it. Not mass production though she hasn't gotten it patented yet. Right now Natsume's her only client in that department."

"That girl will never cease to amaze me. What are you doing here? I thought Hotaru was having dinner with her parents?"

"She is. It might snow tonight so she thought I should come and make sure you got home alright."

"Hotaru Imai asked her boyfriend to come check on me? Do not insult me with your tom foolery." I mock closing my locker.

He chuckles, "I never was a good liar."

"Besides I have a driver now."

"I thought I was seeing Grant around a lot."

"Yep that's him. So what are you _really_ doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"What could we possibly have to talk about? Is it about yay high with a permanent scowl accompanying a piercing ruby gaze?" I tease.

"Nothing gets past you."

"I may be a little naïve, but I know a desperate blonde when I see one. So, what about him?"

"I want you to be careful. Natsume told me about the other day in the alley. I don't think he's going to do anything he hasn't done before and he always comes back. I don't know why he does what he does, but it's best to leave him be. I'm happy that you're not just another girl trying to get into his pants, but I think you may be doing more harm than good."

"Well I disagree. I think Natsume has had quite enough coddling and he needs a swift kick in the pants. He's flirting with a very dangerous path and just because he hasn't fully committed yet doesn't mean that he won't. It just takes one act Ruka, one favor, just one time to seal the deal in that world. He shouldn't ruin his entire life because of his whims. I thought you as his best friend would try and talk him out of it."

He rubs his head, "I've tried, but he'll stop talking to me all together if I push too hard."

"Sounds like a friendship of convenience to me."

He gets a little defensive, "It's not like that."

"Let me give you some advice Ruka and I'm not an expert so you can dismiss me if you want, but to be a good friend you have to be willing to hated for being the voice of reason. If he's really your friend, he'll see that you're only looking out for his best interest. Natsume's biggest problem is that no one challenges him."

"And you want to be that person?"

"Sticking my neck out for a guy I barely know? Of course not. But if I can stop him from becoming something worse than a sour puss playboy, then I can sleep easier at night."

I pat him on the shoulder and leave him with his thoughts. Who am I to judge what makes a good friend or not? But I do know right from wrong and that ignoring a problem is just as bad as being a part of the problem. Ruka strikes me as a non-confrontation type, but behind those blue eyes genuine worry and concern are stirring. Instead of dissuading me from butting in, he should be the one doing more of the butting in so I can take my butt out. My father always told me 'don't cry over spilt milk, but you can't leave the milk on the floor to rot either'. You have to acknowledge your mistake and clean up your mess. Natsume spilt his milk and doesn't want to clean it up and everyone else getting a whiff of the sour milk and they're all just ignoring it, but that doesn't make it go away.

Ruka said 'He's not going to do anything he hasn't before', but from the way Reo is smiling and lingering around I think Ruka is dead wrong about that. The milk has soured and is attracting flies and those flies just bring more flies until you have an infestation.

Riding back to the apartment in the back of the town car, I watch the streetlights pass overhead. My thoughts drift over the happenings of my day as I ask myself 'What I am doing?' over and over.

I am creating a stable environment for Youichi and I to grow and live.

I am working my butt off, killing myself and losing sleep to achieve my goals.

I am filling the gaps of my free time with studying and budget planning.

I am not thinking about Yuka or Persona.

I am curious about my Jii-chan.

I am curious about Natsume.

I am helping Natsume.

I am annoying Natsume.

I am annoyingly helping Natsume.

All of these answers are correct of course, but I wonder how the Natsume-related answers even got on my list to begin with. I can blame Youichi's fondness, but that's becoming a half truth. More than anything I am curious about Natsume. And curiosity has a very bad reputation emotion-wise.

For example, it kills cats.

And you just can't trust a cat killer.

I sigh causing my breath to trail across the glass. I draw a little heart in the condensation. I told Natsume I would get into his heart. My father told me a story about a dragon whose heart was made of ice. He could not feel and so he destroyed villages and burned down homes. One day a little girl named Ai got eaten by the dragon, but she did not die instead she wandered around inside the dragon and eventually found her way to the dragon's heart, but it was not made of ice. Instead it was covered in ice which made it unable to beat. She pounded on the ice with all of her strength, but it did not move. She was about to give up when she thought of an idea. She wrapped her arms and legs around the dragon's heart and squeezed with all her might. Eventually the ice melted and the dragon was overwhelmed with the feeling of his heart thudding in his own chest and left to live a peaceful life.

I asked my father if the little girl died and he shook his head, "No my Mi-chan she did not die. Because love cannot die."

_Ai means love._

I never understood the story until I got older. Ai wasn't really a little girl, she was a physical representation for love when the dragon had met a stubborn girl dragon and had fallen in love with her. It was my favorite story. My father often used books to explain things to me and I think that's where my thirst for books began.

Love has been an abstract theory to me because everyone I've ever loved has left me, except for Youichi and now my entire concept of love is wrapped into his existence. A love between a sister and a brother, a love between a guardian the guarded, this is the only type of love I can really hold on to. Truth, my dad was taken from me in a blur, but that still doesn't keep that feeling of abandonment away.

"Will that be all miss?" Grant asks me as we pull up to the front of my apartment building.

I consider asking him to take me Natsume's so I can see if his Porsche and bike are still there and that he's not off with Reo doing something dumb, but it's late and Grant needs sleep just like I do.

"You're officially off duty Grant. I'll get the door."

"Have a good night miss." He says as he pulls to a stop.

"You too. See you tomorrow." I say getting out of the car.

Like a good driver, Grant waits until I'm safely in the lobby before pulling away from the curb. I wave a little after him and head down the hall to Tsubasa's apartment to get Youichi who's probably asleep in front of their TV again. Misaki is a way better babysitter than Tsubasa because she makes sure that Youichi brushes his teeth and showers and gets to bed at a decent hour. Tsubasa on the other hand plays video games with him until Youichi passes out and then covers him with a blanket and lets him snooze until I get back.

The door is unlocked and Tsubasa and Youichi are both asleep on the couch with some video game blaring on the TV screen. I can smell Misaki's soup lingering in the apartment. I turn off the television and grab Youichi's shoes and get ready to hoist him onto my shoulder.

"There you are Mikan." Misaki says coming in from the bedroom.

Misaki goes to night school and gets in late when she stays to study at the library. She hasn't changed out of her clothes from earlier so I'm guessing she just got home as well.

"Here I am." I say hoisting Youichi up onto my left shoulder.

"I left some soup for you in your apartment and Tsubasa managed to get Youichi to take a bath amongst all the video game playing."

"I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you guys. The amount of debt I'm in is not even feasible."

She laughs, "No debt. Tsubasa is big on doing the right thing. 'Put good out, get good in' is what he says. Goofball."

"It's a good thing." I say.

"I know. How did I end up with a good one I'll never know."

"Well when you figure it out let me know. So I can at least avoid the bad ones."

We say our goodnights and I begin the walk up the stairs and down the hall to my apartment. I can feel Youichi's breath on the back of my neck as he snoozes quietly. It's amazing how much of a deep sleeper he's become, yet another sign that I'm not messing up too bad. I twist the key into the lock and push my way through the door. Inside is warm and smells like soup and apricot candles. I take Youichi into the bedroom and lay him down on the fully made up mattress.

Amazing what a little loan money can do.

I change Youichi into a pair of his new pajamas and slip him under the covers. He sighs softly and nestles himself next to Mr. Bear. I change my clothes quietly in the dim glow of the nightlight plugged into the wall beneath the window. I've grown quiet fond of my jade green silk pajamas I realize as I slip into them. I've grown quiet fond of a lot of things in my new life. My friends that call ever so often, my landlord and his fiancée's endless generosity, my driver even though he's a little stiff, my quirky apartment and all the little knick-knacks I bring into it to make it more homey.

No one would believe that it's the same dirty, dusty, dump Tsubasa let me squat in. Not with its flower adorned coffee table, throw pillow covered couch, spotless bathroom with rugs and towels, and its kitchen smelling like home cooked meals instead of instant noodles. Even I have trouble believing it.

I move the coffee table and pull out the bed from the couch, effectively turning my living room into my bedroom and snuggling up with my bowl of hot soup. Hopefully this will keep me from getting sick after my little stalker session in zero degree weather. I still have Natsume's leather jacket in my duffel bag which guarantees that I'll see him again.

I find myself dreading that encounter after my little touch and go with insanity. I reason with myself that kissing Natsume doesn't count as my first kiss because even though I was very close and slightly tempted there was no full 'lip-on-lip' contact.

And as the saying goes, close only counts in a game of horse shoes.

Not that I've actually played.

There was definitely a tingle in my lips accompanied by sudden warmth just like when I touched his face earlier today. Something is stirring, but I'm not sure what it is. Hotaru's logic is making my head blurry and my own fleeting fantasies of a guy I can trust being a permanent fixture in my life is making me dizzy. I put my half empty soup bowl down on the side table next to the lamp and snuggle under my covers.

The room is starting to spin and even with my eyes squeezed shut, I can still feel like I'm sitting in a spinning tea cup. I try to hold on to a thought to steady myself mentally, but everything is muddled and confusing.

I just want to sleep, but my spinning tea cup head and muddled brain are attacking me at full force. I decide that counting sheep will be the best course of action because it doesn't require much thought and can be quiet helpful getting a restless mind to sleep.

1 sheep…

2 sheep…

3 sheep…

4 sheep…

1 sheep with Natsume's head…

1 sheep with Hotaru's head…

1 sheep with Anna's head…

1 sheep with Ruka's head…

Oh look the Hotaru sheep is chasing the Ruka sheep with a camera and a razor. Silly Hotaru, you can't shave Ruka's wool. The Anna sheep is eating cake, a lot of cake. Anna go boom.

Natsume.

Natsume, stop being a sheep.

Don't go with Reo he's not a real Shepard.

Stop.

Don't go.

_Don't go._

* * *

><p>No promises because I'm making all this up as I go, but things should definitely get more interesting from here on out. There will be quiet a few time leaps both backward into Mikan's memory and forward for the sake of the story itself.<p>

I'm not exactly sure how to go about setting up the foundation for what I will try to do in the next few chapters, but for me that's the joy of writing!

I promise to start on Ch. 15 tomorrow because right now Chi-chan is running on four hours of sleep and isn't thinking straight.

Could that be the inspiration for my weird ending to this chap? Or maybe I'm setting up for the next chapter?

You won't know until I upload so I'll just torture with the "Why did she do that? Is there a method to this madness? Or is she just mad?"

Hahahahaha

Okay enough of that. Nighty night my duckies.

Lots of love (and lack of sleep)

Chi-chan


	15. Consumption

****_Herrrrroooooo!_

_Hope you enjoy the chapter! I'm really giving it some gas now :)_

_Drop me a review! I'd love to read them while I'm working on Chapter 16 today!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15: Consumption<strong>

"_Daddy!" A little girl screams from outside._

_A man with honey blonde hair and deep blue eyes comes out of the backdoor of a very modest house. He's wearing a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a few buttons undone. It's a warm spring day with a soft breeze trickling through the trees._

"_What is it Mi-chan?" he asks coming over to where the brunette is squatting by a patch of dirt. Her yellow sundress is covered in dirt and mud. Her tiny hands are scratching at the dirty ground looking franticly for something._

"_It isn't here!" she shrieks._

"_What isn't here?"_

"_My plant!"_

_The man chuckles, "Mi-chan a plant can't grow in one day."_

"_But you said that if I put the seed in the ground, a plant will grow!" The brunette says her eyes are becoming misty._

"_It will, but you have to give it time."_

"_I want it now." The brunette pouts._

_The man scoops the girl into his arms and gives her a squeeze, "I know you're disappointed, but plants need water and sunlight and a little patience before they can grow big and strong."_

_The girl rubs her face smudging it with dirt, making the man laugh._

_The hearty laugh that vibrated in his chest fills the girl's heart with joy. She was disappointed that nothing grew in her garden, but she knew her daddy knew best and if he said they would grow then they would._

_That following summer, the girl's garden flourished with colorful flowers of all shapes and sizes. When winter came her beautiful plants died and she mourned them. _

"_Don't cry Mikan. Everything has to come to an end. Winter is the time of decline where everything goes back into the earth for a good long rest."_

"_But daddy my beautiful flowers. . ."_

"_I know sweetheart, but next spring they'll be back and more beautiful than ever because they'll be well rested."_

_She sniffled, "Okay."_

_As always her dad was right and the flowers started to poke out again when spring came. The girl laughed and smiled and danced around her little garden. With her father looking at her from the porch with that smile on his face, arm draped over his wife's shoulder, life never seemed more wonderful. Then that awful summer came and went and when the girl returned from her Jii-chan's house her beautiful flowers were gone. Winter had come early that year. The girl laid on top of that patch of dirt, willing the flowers to come back and take her to that place of rest where her daddy was. She could be just like Alice in Wonderland with the flowers talking and dancing while she and her daddy had tea. Mommy could come too and they could be happy just like before._

"She's sweating." A voice says.

"That isn't sweat." Another voice corrects.

"She's crying." A smaller voice adds.

I force my eyes to open slightly and try to think, but it's proving to be very difficult. I can see figures moving in front of me. Someone is sitting beside me I can smell perfume, but can't place the scent.

"Mikan? It's okay, we're right beside you." The voice says.

Mom?

A small towel caresses my throbbing temple.

"She can't go to work like this." A different voice comments.

"Poor thing."

I can see someone else standing by the window. Blonde hair is all I can make out aside from the tall stature.

Daddy?

My head is swimming between consciousness and unconsciousness. I can't remember why I feel so sad and weak.

My flowers.

And then like a faucet I can feel water streaming down my cheeks, "My flowers."

"What did she say?" someone asks.

"I couldn't hear, but she said something."

Daddy?

I open my eyes and see a familiar raven head girl sitting on one side of me and a bubblegum pink haired girl on the other side. And the blonde across the room is familiar, but his hair is the color of sunshine, not honey and that makes me sadder.

"Hotaruuuuu." I cry sobbing into her chest.

I didn't mean to fall into her, but the strength it took to sit up didn't stay with me to keep me up and I fell over onto her.

"If you get snot on my uniform I'll pummel you." She says.

But I can barely hear her over my wailing, "My flowers, my flowers."

"She's delirious. Ruka take Anna and Youichi to school. I'll stay here with this mess."

"But Hotaru-"

"Not up for discussion Nogi."

"Let's go guys."

I can see Youichi getting his bag, "Yoooooou-chan." I call.

He turns toward me and I can see a surgical mask on his face. Is this another delusion? I reach out from him, but he just continues to stare.

"Stay away. I don't want your germs." He says monotonously.

"Don't be mean." I whine.

"Everyone, just go. Before you catch whatever she's got."

Catch?

Hotaru returns me to my pillows and I can see she is also wearing a surgical mask. She removes her blazer which is now a little damp thanks to me and goes into the kitchen where the kettle is screaming. It feels like everything in my head is screaming. I use my sleeves to wipe my face.

"Don't do that. It's silk. Here." Hotaru says holding out a box of tissues.

I take a couple and dry my face and blow my nose which makes my head throb.

"You have a temperature of one hundred and two." She states going back to the kitchen.

"I'm cold."

"I'm making tea."

I cough several times and roll onto my side, "How did this happen?"

"Obviously you're pushing yourself too hard and not eating well enough."

"I eat plenty."

"Not healthy enough. You're eating too scarcely and when you do eat its junk food."

"Misaki cooks for us." I defend weakly.

"Breakfast, lunch, and dinner?"

"No just dinner sometimes." I confess.

"You need to cook."

"I don't have time."

"Make time. You look like you have the plague."

"Gee thanks."

She hands me a cup of tea and sits on the edge of the bed.

"Is the face mask really necessary?" I ask before taking a sip.

"Precautionary. My brother's wedding is fast coming and I can't risk getting stuck in my house with all of the planning going on. It's like a construction site every day. Loud banging and yelling at all hours and that's just my mother and Shizune. The decibels rise as soon as Subaru shows up."

"Ah."

"In addition I don't want to take a chance catching your idiot germs."

"Of course."

"You look tired."

"I feel like I got hit by a truck." I say caressing my head.

"You were crying."

I don't respond. The sound of my dad's voice and the feeling of his arms squeezing me is still lingering. My throat feels tight.

"Something about flowers."

"I had a garden when I was little. I was upset because the flowers didn't grow fast enough. My dad told me to be patient. When he died I stopped taking care of it and the flowers stopped growing."

"And that invoked the sobbing?"

"No, for a moment I was drifting between my past and present. I just wish my dad wasn't dead you know? I could spend a whole day with him just talking and hanging out. Maybe plant another garden like the one I had before."

"It wouldn't be enough. And you'd have to relive the pain of losing him again."

"Maybe, but at least I'd get to say goodbye."

We sit in silence for a moment sipping our tea cups. I can't really taste the tea, but the hot trickle down my throat is very soothing.

"So why were you guys here?" I ask after a moment.

"Youichi called me." She replies.

"He called you?"

"He said he's been trying to wake you for some time and you wouldn't budge. I was with Ruka and we ran into Anna on our way here."

"I'm a little surprised you'd come to my aid."

"Youichi wouldn't have called if he wasn't worried. Plus Ruka tells me it's a friend's job to check on a sick friend no matter how high the risk of contamination."

"Stop, I'll start to tear up."

"Your trademark sarcasm is back so you must be feeling better."

"Not really, but I'm pretty resilient."

"I wonder if your current condition has something to do with this." Hotaru inquires as she holds up a black leather jacket.

My eyes widen a bit and my head starts to pound. I retreat under my covers with a groan. I can hear Hotaru moving around the apartment probably making more tea.

"So what moronic thing did you do now? If he gave you his jacket I'm guessing you went out in the cold without putting on a coat again."

"I was a bit preoccupied with putting my nose where it doesn't belong." I grumble from beneath my blankets.

"And where did your nose end up this time?" She asks sitting at the foot of my bed.

"The alley behind the bar; where Natsume and Reo were talking exclusively. Reo really wants Natsume to join up with him, but he has to do something first."

"Something like what?"

"I don't know. Some form of initiation. Natsume doesn't sound too interested so it could be something trivial."

"Nothing's ever trivial with Reo."

"Yeah but it sounds like he's working for someone else now, someone big."

"Reo's never worked for anybody, so it begs the question who would have the kind of pull to get Reo to be a good dog."

"Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is whoever it is has Reo running around like an errand boy. He had a 'pick-up' last night and I can only imagine what that meant."

"Shall we find out?"

"How?"

"It's not hard. I could wiretap his phone." She says simply.

"Isn't that illegal?"

She takes a sip from her cup, "Only if you get caught and I doubt anyone in Reo's circle is friends with the D.A."

"Okay, hold on. What exactly are we talking about here?"

"Well we're talking about finding out what Reo is up to and who he's working for and how it ties into Natsume. So while I look into it, you will keep Natsume busy."

"I'm in no condition to do that."

"Well you have to because if he does whatever it is he's supposed to do before I can find out what it is, I'll be wasting my time now won't I?"

"Yes, but I'm sick and I feel terrible I just want to sleep."

"You've slept enough. It's already Monday."

I pause for a moment, "Monday? That's not possible. I went to work last night. It's Sunday."

"No Misaki called in for you yesterday. She thought you were just tired."

"I slept an entire day away?" I ask trying to recall anything after I passed out after work on Saturday night, but my mind is a blank.

There's only darkness. It feels like Sunday, but Youichi and Hotaru are in uniform and Hotaru told Ruka to take everyone to school so it must be Monday. My head is starting to swim again.

"I can't believe it."

"Believe it." She says throwing the jacket to me, "I'll call Hyuuga and tell him you're sick. He should be over in a little while."

"Why would he do that?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes and pulls out her phone, "Don't strain your brain. I'll get him here, you keep him here. Even you can manage that."

I blow my nose again and push Natsume's jacket to the foot of the bed. I don't want to get cozy with that thing. Hotaru puts on her coat, leaving her blazer, and leaves without a word. Something beeps in the room and at first I thought I imagined it, but on the side table next to my fresh cup of tea is an orange cell phone. Hotaru's phone is white, so it can't be hers. I pick up the phone off the table and press the center button. It's an Imai brand fancy touchscreen phone. On the screen it says one text message from Hotaru.

It could be Ruka's or Anna's. I haven't gotten around to buying a cell phone just yet.

I click on the message icon and read the text.

_Hotaru: Baka, this is a prototype of a phone I'm developing and seeing as how you're too stupid to buy one for yourself, I'm giving you this one. It's not a gift. You are my guinea pig for research purposes. –H_

I hit the reply key and thank her. I spend the next twenty minutes exploring all of the little icons on my new phone. It isn't until there's a knock at my door that I remember that I'm supposed to be keeping Natsume busy.

I get up from my bed with some difficulty and take a detour to the bathroom before going to the door. Lucky I did because I look like a train wreck. I yank my hair up into a bun and rinse my face. His knocking is getting persistent.

"Coming!" I call out which sets off a new wave of coughing.

My throat feels like there are a million tiny needles coating it. I straighten out my pajamas and head to the door. I peek through the peep hole and see Natsume's raven hair and ruby eyes. I open the door and to my surprise he's actually wearing a school uniform. Being Natsume, his blazer hangs open revealing a disheveled white shirt minus a tie and several top buttons.

"Natsume, what brings you here?"

"You still have my jacket." He says walking right into my apartment.

"Won't you come in?" I mutter shutting the door.

"Imai said you were sick and I don't want my stuff contaminated."

"Aren't you sweet?" I comment falling into my bed. My head is starting to feel light again and I don't think it's because of my cold.

He picks up his jacket and examines it. I roll over onto my pillows and sigh. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, especially one that is as bad as this one. I slept for over twenty four hours and had a touch and go with delirium.

"Shut the door when you leave." I tell Natsume.

He looks skeptical like he wasn't expecting me to kick him out. Where is my usual barrage of questions and snarky remarks? I guess I really am sick. I just don't have the energy to go along with Hotaru's plan right now.

"Aren't you going to lock the door?" He asks.

"At some point, but right now I can't be bothered to move."

"You're stupid enough to leave your door unlocked for some pervert to just walk right in?"

"Well there's already a pervert in here so I think I've reached maximum capacity for perverts. The others will have to try again tomorrow."

He rolls his eyes and looks like he's trying to decide whether to stay or go.

"If it means that much to you, I'll get up and lock the door." I force myself to sit up.

"It's not like I have anything else to do." He says before I can stumble out of bed.

I settle back against my pillows, "Good then you can go lock the door and bring me some soup."

"Tch." He walks off and I think he might leave, but I hear the door lock click in place.

He sits down on one of the stools and swivels himself.

I wait for my coughs to subside, "Come on. Have a heart. There's soup in the fridge all you have to do is heat it up. The sooner I feel better, the sooner you can leave."

"I could use this time to get away from you. I wouldn't have to worry about eavesdroppers."

"I'd follow you, phlegm and all." I blow my nose into fresh tissue.

"I doubt that."

"Sure I would and then when I drop dead in the street you can explain to Hotaru and Youichi how that happened on your watch."

He narrows his eyes at me, but I just smile weakly, "Soup please."

"You owe me."

"Owe you?" I ask as he opens the fridge.

"I'll enjoy having you indebted to me."

"Indebted?"

"What are you a parrot? I help you study and warm your soup, that's at least two favors. Not to mention putting up with you and your antics."

"My antics?" I say before succumbing to a new series of coughs.

He places the bowl in the microwave and punches a few buttons to heat up my soup. I sip some of my tea that has gotten lukewarm. After a few minutes the microwave beeps and Natsume manages to give me my soup with a spoon and no attitude. He removes his blazer and sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Don't get too close. You might catch something."

"Like I would want to catch something from you. Those stools hurt my back." He replies lying down across the foot of my bed.

I bite back my tongue from saying something smart and eat my soup. We're settling into that weird place again. Where I don't despise him as much and we're not going at each other's throats. He just lies there with his hands behind his head and his eyes closed. I drink a spoonful of soup and will my headache to go away. The silence is nice, but it's also bugging the crap out of me. He's just lying there probably on the brink of sleep and I'm eating soup.

"Hey Natsume."

He sighs, "What?"

A knock at my door interrupts me and Natsume gets up to answer the door. Hotaru hasn't sent me another text and I'm not really expecting anyone so I wonder who it could be.

"Well, well, well, isn't this a surprise." A familiar voice says.

Tsubasa

Just what I need.

"And you are?" Natsume replies.

"Cheeky brat, I used to be your sempai. Tsubasa Andou. I was captain of the lacrosse team a few years back."

"Fascinating. What do you want?"

"Bad attitude as always." Tsubasa replies walking past him into the apartment.

I concentrate really hard on my soup so I don't have to see the look he'll give me for not only being around Natsume, but having him in my apartment. Again. Tsubasa walks around to the other side of my bed and I look up like I didn't hear him come in.

"Tsubasa, what brings you up here?" I say in my most sickly voice.

"I heard you were sick and had to come see how you're doing. Are you alright?"

"More or less. My fever is making my head pound and making me see dancing sheep, but other than that I'm just peachy." I reply before having another coughing fit.

He places his hand over my forehead and 'hmm's, "Yeah you're definitely warm. I thought I just missed you going to work. I didn't know that you were all cooped up in here with _that_."

Natsume doesn't respond and goes into the bathroom and closes the door with a slam. Tsubasa sits down next to me and for a minute I think he might start to lecture me, but he just puts his arm around my shoulders and gives me a hug.

"I guess all of your running around has finally caught up with you." He jokes.

"I guess so. It was bound to happen I suppose." I take another spoonful of soup.

He reaches over to the end table and grabs my poetry book, "I didn't know you liked poetry."

"It was my mom's. It has a saying for everything."

"Oh really?" He says somewhat amused.

He thumbs through the pages and reads over some of the phrases, "Which one is your favorite?"

"I don't really have a favorite. My life is ever changing and I always find a different one to fit my situation and inspire me."

"That's really nice." He comments.

Natsume leaves the bathroom and narrows his eyes, "Shouldn't you be working or something?"

I open my mouth to remind him of my predicament, but his eyes are narrowed at Tsubasa and not me. Tsubasa who didn't miss a beat just glared back at Natsume.

"I'm the landlord. My job includes knowing the well fare of my tenants who also happens to be a close friend."

"Well she's still breathing so you're work here is done."

"I wonder how much longer that will be with you in here. You're not exactly Mr. Trust worthy."

"Tsubasa I can handle myself, plus Natsume just came by for his jacket."

"Good then I can escort him out."

Natsume scoffs, "I'd like to see you try."

Tsubasa stands up with a mischievous smirk on his face and the tension between the two thickens. Afraid that this might turn into a physical altercation I leap out of bed and push them apart.

"Enough. My apartment isn't used to all this alpha male energy. You two need to-"

The abruptness of my leap sends a new wave of headaches my way and I sink to the floor. Two pairs of arms reach out for me instinctively and I can feel the tension has returned.

"I got her Hyuuga." Tsubasa says with a fake smile.

"Don't you have a desk to man?" He snaps.

"Not with Mikan here by herself."

"She's not by herself."

"Like I'm really going to leave her here with you."

"Guys." I call weakly.

All this fighting is mentally exhausting. They help me back into my bed and Tsubasa covers me with my blankets. I know he's worried because as far as he's concerned leaving me alone in my apartment with Natsume is just as bad as throwing me in a shark tank wearing a fish head bikini. Natsume is mutually not fond of Tsubasa which begs the question as to why he doesn't just leave.

Must be a guy thing.

"Tsubasa you should get back to the desk. Natsume can't do anything to me even if he wanted to, not unless he wants to catch this plague."

Tsubasa looks skeptical and Natsume defiant, but he finally leaves my apartment after giving a fair warning. Natsume takes a seat at the foot of my bed with a huff, "I hate that guy."

"The feeling appears mutual." I comment picking back up my soup bowl.

"What is he your boyfriend or something?"

I snort, "Not even. He's engaged FYI, plus he's like four years older than I am."

"None of that would matter to some people."

"Well it matters to me. Misaki and Tsubasa are like my older siblings."

"Does _he _know that?"

I raise an eyebrow, "Don't tell me you're actually jealous."

"Like I would be jealous of a guy like that."

"I don't know, you seem grouchier than usual." I tease.

He picks up my box of tissues and throws it at my head. Needless to say my reflexes are more than impaired. I yelp and rub my nose, "What was that for?" I demand.

"For being annoying."

"I don't know why so many girls fawn over you. Look at the way you treat a poor sick girl."

"A poor sick girl who also happens to be my stalker."

"I do not stalk you!" I defend placing my bowl down on the side table harder than I meant to.

"Tch, sure you don't. And I suppose you don't have a crush on me either."

"Me?! Have a crush on you?! You're the one who can't keep his hands off me. You would totally kiss me if you had the chance!"

Yelling at Natsume isn't helping my throat or my head. And just when I think I'm about to pass out midsentence Natsume places his hand over my mouth and crawls up beside me forcing my head down on his chest. I mumbled my protest, but his hand is practically cemented to my face.

Where's a big mucus filled sneeze when you need one?

"Just shut up for a minute." He says.

Under normal circumstances, I would wiggle and squirm and kick and bite, but I have no strength in my body to even think complete thoughts and before I could gather myself, a thick blanket of sleep smothers me into unconsciousness with only the thumping of Natsume's heart tying me to the present.

* * *

><p>I don't know how long I was out, but when I wake up my bed is empty and my throat is dry. There's a glass of water on the side table and I drain it in two big gulps. My head feels less like a construction site and I'm not seeing any sheep, so I must be feeling a little better. I pick up my phone and the time reads a little after two in the afternoon. I have two text messages from Hotaru wanting to know if Natsume was still at my apartment. I look around, but it doesn't take me long to realize that I'm alone.<p>

I start typing a reply to Hotaru, apologizing for my failure when my apartment door opens.

"Geez Natsume! Scare me half to death why don't you."

He just kicks the door shut, turns the lock and brings his convenience store bags to the kitchen counter, "I thought you'd sleep into next year. You almost crushed me with that big head of yours."

"I didn't ask you to be my pillow."

"You were about to pass out from talking so much. I did you a favor. That's another thing you owe me."

I roll my eyes. I must be feeling somewhat better because I have the strength to maintain some annoyance with him. He empties the contents of the bags onto the counter. Mostly snack foods like chips and cola. He makes room for his sodas in the fridge and tears open his bag of chips.

"Junk food? There's soup and iced tea and you duck out to get chips and soda."

"There goes your nose again, where it doesn't belong. My mom is a doctor; I get enough lectures at home."

"Obviously not enough." I mutter deleting my text to Hotaru.

_Natsume is still here. Please tell me you have something so I can get rid of him! -M_

I hit send and settle down against my pillows. A small box falls into my lap, "What's this?"

"Can't you read?" He asks.

"You bought me cough medicine?" I ask skeptically.

"My mom gives it to me and Aoi when we get sick." He says chomping down on his chips.

"And I'm supposed to trust you?"

"Don't you?"

I think about my answer and just rip open the box. How much do I trust this guy? I trust him to be a pervert and a womanizer. I trust him to do something stupid with his life. I trust him enough to be alone with him on multiple occasions. I trust that I can handle him, in sickness and in health. Not that I'm marrying the guy or anything.

I pour myself the recommended amount of medicine and knock it back like Natsume would do with a shot of alcohol. It tastes awful, but I keep a straight face and screw back on the bottle's cap. I set it down on the table only to come face to face with a cup of tea. Natsume doesn't make eye contact with me as he holds out the cup. This level of attentiveness is probably new and embarrassing for him. I just take the cup quietly and drink some small sips.

He sits down on my bed, "You need a TV."

"It rots your brain." I say taking a sip.

"Well that shouldn't be a problem for you."

"Aren't you cheeky today?" I remark putting down my tea cup.

I stare at the side of his face watching his jaw muscles move as he crunches down on his chips. He looks relaxed and once again I find myself feeling as though Natsume Hyuuga and I do this sort of thing all the time.

"Hey Natsume?" I call out.

"What now?"

"Why did you come? Was it just for your jacket?" I find myself asking.

"Why else would I come to a place like this?" He replies

I don't reply. As strange as it seems, part of me is a little let down. All the time we spend together and the declarations I've made yet it feels like nothing has really changed between us. He's still sour and I'm just a thorn in his side. Why am I even bothering? Everyone should be free to live their own life the way they want. No one should deprive them of making their own choices.

No matter how wrong and stupid they are.

A warm, firm hand is placed on my forehead. I look up to find Natsume's ruby eyes staring at me intently.

"Your fever has gone down, but you're still warm." He says.

I just blink at him, not knowing what to say. He moves his hand to my cheek and then down to my neck, before standing up and going back into the kitchen.

"I came because I was curious. You're always running around like a crazy woman, it was hard to believe that you were bedridden."

It still wasn't enough. What am I waiting for? For him to say that he cares? That he was worried? When did I become this girl? This foreign creature I don't even know how to begin to understand. My heart feels fluttery from the warmth that still lingers on my skin. I need to wash up, some cool water will do both my head and body good. My legs are a little shaky as I stand, but I manage to get to the bathroom and lock the door. I ignore my thoughts, emotions, and skin sensations while I turn on the water in the shower. I dedicate my entire shower to washing my body and hair. Being sick always makes me feel like I'm covered in phlegm and sweat. A hot shower followed by a cool rinse is exactly what I needed. It's easier to breathe and I feel a lot less disgusting.

The only problem is my clothes are in the bedroom and Natsume is in the living room, which means I'll have to walk past him in a towel. Not feeling too comfortable with the idea, I stall for time by drying my body and blow drying my hair. I stall for more time by washing my face with some face wash Nonoko gave me and making faces at myself in the mirror. Being completely dry makes me feel a little less vulnerable, but a towel being the only line of defense between my nude body and Natsume's prying eyes keeps me stranded in the bathroom.

"Are you dead in there?" Natsume's voice calls from behind the door.

"No!" I say a little louder than I intend.

"Well hurry up and get out. Ruka is on his way over."

"Okay!"

I pull my hair up into a bun and unlock the door. I take a deep breath and open the door slightly. Natsume is lying on my bed looking at his phone. I quietly exit the bathroom and make a beeline for the bedroom.

"No one wants to look at your toothpick body." Natsume comments without looking up.

I just slam the door shut. The nerve. I admit that I'm not the curviest thing around, but I'm most certainly not a toothpick. I slip into some underwear, silently fuming over Natsume's insult. For a guy who seems hell bent on getting cozy with me, he sure knows how to make me feel less than attractive. I pull on my black leggings and pink pleated skirt and to top it off I slip into a pair of pink leg warmers and a cotton candy pink blouse.

As I button the last buttons on my blouse, the bedroom door opens and Natsume sticks his arm through the space. He holds out my ringing cell phone with 'Hotaru Imai' blinking on the screen. I take the phone and hit the answer key.

"Hotaru?"

"Don't sound so confused. Caller ID is supposed to assure you of whose calling." She says.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Is he still there?"

"Unfortunately."

"Ruka should be on his way over to relieve you of you babysitting duties."

"But I'm having so much fun." I mutter cradling my phone on my shoulder so I can lace up my boots.

"Well you sound better."

"Probably the medicine Natsume bought me." I say before I can stop myself.

Natsume doing anything half way decent for me just for the sake of doing it rubs my insides the wrong way. I can't let my guard down now that he and I are getting into some weird pattern in our not-relationship.

"I'll pick you up in a half hour. Remember to bring a coat this time."

She hangs up without a goodbye and I leave the bedroom. Natsume takes his phone away from his ear and slips it into his pocket. Something tells me to keep quiet, but the fact that he's hiding a phone call is very suspicious. Then again I have a reputation for being a tad nosey.

"She lives." He says.

"Barely. My mother always said the best way to fight a cold is to get up and fight. Lying in bed being miserable just makes it worse."

"I believe doctors recommend rest."

"Rightly so, but I have a life to live and I don't intend to waste away in this bed." I say pulling the sheets off the mattress.

I'll have to wash these later. Hopefully I'll have time to do so after Hotaru and I return from wherever the hell she's taking me. Natsume leans against the kitchen counter and I can feel him watching me as I put the couch back together and replace the coffee table in the center of the room.

"No please, don't lift a finger to help." I huff.

"You seem to have a good hold on it." He replies.

"I'm sick, remember?"

"You look fine to me."

"You're unbelievable." I mutter walking into the kitchen.

"I've been told." He says with a sigh.

"That wasn't a compliment." I clarify pouring myself a glass of iced green tea.

I stand opposite him leaning against counter taking a long drink from my glass while he stares at me. I want to say something snarky, but only childish remarks come to mind. I stare back at him trying to muster the same indifferent expression on my face. He pushes back his hair with one hand and sighs.

"What's taking Ruka?" I ask.

He just shrugs and takes a swig of cola.

I put my glass down on the counter, "Thanks by the way. I know this isn't how you wanted to spend your day especially with me, but I appreciate it."

"I already said I didn't have anything else to do." is his reply.

"I know, but you probably could've found something."

For the second time today, Natsume Hyuuga's palm ends up on my forehead. My fever has broken I can tell by my lack of headache and delirium, but my cheeks are starting to heat up. His hand moves down to my cheek stays there. He's looking at me intently and I bat his hand away.

"My fever is gone. You can stop checking on me nurse."

His strong hands find their way back to my cheeks and I'm locked into his ruby eyes. I want to ask him what he's doing, but the power of speech has abandoned me and I can only stare with my mouth slightly agape. He's bringing his face closer to mine and I can't breathe. Everything inside me is panicking and screaming, but on the outside I'm perfectly frozen.

"Natsume? Mikan?" A voice calls from the door.

And just like that, reality returns once again and I remember how to breathe. Natsume heads to the door and walk right past Ruka, who I'm guessing didn't see anything.

"Let's go Ruka." Natsume says and before Ruka can protest, Natsume is already out the door.

We just wave at each other as he jogs after his friend. I sink down to the kitchen floor and will my heart to return to a normal pace. What the hell was that? I just froze? Like a giant idiot, I just stood there. My first kiss was about to be stolen by someone I'm reserved not to have any weird feelings towards and then the moment presents itself and I freeze. I can respond to Natsume's normal antics with ease and sarcasm, but just now? What was that? Something in his eyes? Or maybe I do still have a fever?

"What are you doing?" someone asks me.

I look up, "Hotaru. I felt a little dizzy, so I just sat down."

"Did you rest at all or were you too worried about Natsume alone with your unconscious virtue?"

"No I did rest. I think I'm just getting the tail end of it. That medicine is like magic." I say standing up.

"Are you ready?"

"Where are we going?"

"Reo's hideout."

As I put on my coat and grab my keys I spot Natsume's jacket still sitting on one of the stools. For some reason, it makes me smile.

* * *

><p>"I'm bored." I whine taking another bite of my snack cake.<p>

"It's a steak out moron. It's not like the movies." Hotaru says from behind her high tech binoculars.

"We've been here for hours. Natsume ditched Ruka an hour ago I don't think he's going to show up."

"Shhh. I can't hear what they're saying." Hotaru snaps.

Hotaru and I are sitting in a black SUV parked on the side of a deserted street under the cover of some low hanging trees and untrimmed bushes. It was a bit of a rush thinking that we would be in stealth mode spying on Reo and his crew, but after several hours of coke snorting, alcohol drinking, and watching mindless television, I'm officially bored to tears with watching these guys. And if one of them starts the big boobs vs. big butt debate I'm gonna lose it.

Hotaru has gone through the trouble of wiretapping Reo's phone so she could hear phone calls. She even has a program that allows her to hear their conversations by accessing the phone's microphone. A lot easier than planting bugs she says. Her binoculars have a million different settings like night and heat vision. She even brought snacks.

"Probably another boobs vs. butt debate." I mutter blowing my nose.

"Something about a pick up."

I roll my eyes, "Surprise, surprise."

"Someone's coming."

It's pretty dark out, but I can make out a single head light heading towards the old warehouse, a one story rundown shack practically in the middle of nowhere. The engine of the motorcycle revs and then cuts off. I pick up my binoculars and try to make out who arrived. All the guys in the warehouse came outside to see who it was.

"Natsume." Hotaru said.

And it is.

His arrival pleases Reo and he's ushered inside the warehouse. Hotaru adjusts her binoculars and turns up the speaker on her laptop so we can hear what they're saying.

"Glad you came man. I really am. I thought all you Hyuuga's were the same. Only good for money and never getting your hands dirty. But you? I can see you're a true visionary. Someone who isn't afraid to grab life by the balls you know? I respect that."

"What do you want Reo? You've been giving me the runaround for weeks. Are we going to do this or not?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. We thought we'd take you out on a test drive first. You know, before the Bossman gets his hands on you."

"Test drive?"

"Heh, his mouth was practically watering when I told him you were a Hyuuga. I can hear it even over the phone. He plans on making you his top gun. Speaking of which…"

The sound of rustling against plastic is heard and Reo hands Natsume something, but heat vision can't pick it up.

"Know how to use it?"

A distinct click confirms what I already suspected.

"Don't be stupid." He replies placing it in his waistband.

"Oh and this." Reo says handing him something else.

"What's this for?"

"Think of it as a job perk."

"Reo, it's time." One of the other guys says.

"Pack it in boys. Time to collect." Reo announces.

Four of them file out of the warehouse and into a black car.

"What do we do?" I ask Hotaru.

She starts the engine appears to debate with herself. After a few minutes she follows their route into the city. She waits until we merge with traffic to turn on her headlights. They don't seem to notice as they talk and joke inside of the car. A sick feeling is building up in my stomach. Are we just supposed to watch this?

"Hotaru what are we going to do?" I whisper.

"He hasn't done anything yet." Hotaru says blankly.

"But Hotaru. . ." I begin.

But I can't finish because I don't know what else to say. He has the gun and God knows what they're going to do on this 'test drive'. I think I'm going to be sick. The car pulls up in front of a rundown building and the four boys exit the vehicle and mount the stairs. Hotaru continues past the building and turns the corner of the next block.

"Knock, knock." We hear Reo say.

"What the hell took you guys so long?" someone says in a harsh whisper.

"Whoa, hold on Monte. Do you have our money? Bossman was very clear on no more freebies."

"Are you kidding me Reo? I told you I'd pay you later." Monte says desperately.

"Sorry we're under new management and I can't do you anymore favors. Blow is an expensive habit you know."

"You said you would give it to me!" The boy yells.

"Calm down Monte. I'll put in a good word for you next time, but the fact is you still owe me money. Can't have that."

"What the hell?!"

There's a scuffle and loud 'oofs' as someone punches Monte hard several times. I doubt it was Natsume or Reo. I don't think Natsume would hit someone unprovoked and as for Reo, I'm pretty sure he likes calling the shots.

"Now you're going to get me my money in three days or my friend Natsume here is going to put a bullet in your brain. Got it?"

There's a loud thump and a groan.

"Good. Tell your sister I said hey."

"Hotaru I don't want to do this anymore." I whisper.

"Mikan don't be ridiculous." She says.

"This is not a tv show Hotaru! This is real. I lived this before and I don't want to do it again!" I yell.

Hotaru doesn't say anything else and just starts the car. The ride back to my apartment is silent and awkward. I didn't mean to get so upset but I feel like a big failure. I can't stop Natsume from doing things like this and I'm kidding myself if I thought otherwise.

"I'm sorry." I say after the awkward pause.

"Don't apologize. I expected this to happen." She says simply.

"You did?"

"Of course. I felt that you needed to get a taste of what you were getting into. You can't change people Mikan. You can only hope that your presence in their lives can cause enough of a disturbance to make them want to change themselves. What Natsume does or does not become is up to him."

"I was being stupid again."

"I think the appropriate word is naïve, but don't be too down on yourself. You have a savior complex that's understandable given your situation. Now if you don't mind I'm going to go home and take a hot bath."

I say goodnight and walk robotically back to my apartment. It's a little after nine and Youichi is slumped on the couch reading while Misaki washes the dishes. Her pink locks are pulled up into a ponytail and she bobs her head to the music coming from her ear buds. I toss my keys onto the side table and ruffle Youichi's hair. I tap Misaki on her shoulder and she jumps.

"You're back early." She says.

I pull one of her ear buds out so she can hear me, "Yeah more fruitless endeavors. You didn't have to do the dishes."

"Don't be silly. You're still sick in my book so go take a hot bath and I'll warm up some more soup. Go on." She says shoving me towards the bathroom.

I smile a bit and follow her instructions. The hot water soothes my body, but my mind is far from being at ease. The thought of Natsume with a gun under his shirt beating up druggies in rundown buildings is enough to keep me up all night. I know I shouldn't care. I know it shouldn't matter to me because it's not my life. But it does. It bothers me to my core and I just want that feeling to go away, but I know it won't. He's under my skin and I thought I was under his. Enough to keep him away from that life, but I was obviously wrong. I bother Natsume, but in a childish way. I'm like a mosquito buzzing around him, but that's it, nothing else. I am just a bug.

I put on a pair of cotton pajamas and eat soup with Misaki and Youichi. I force myself to talk about stuff at work and ask Youichi about school. I feel completely out of my head. That is, until Misaki points out Natsume's leather jacket to me.

"He must've forgotten it again. I'll leave it with Ruka tomorrow." I tell her casually so she doesn't get any ideas, but I'm pretty sure she'll grill Tsubasa later, but that's okay because Misaki isn't much of a gossip.

Misaki leaves and I put Youichi to bed. He looks like he wants to ask me about today, but I just tell him I'm fine with the most sincere smile I can muster and tuck him in. I'm pulling out the sofa bed when there's a knock on the door. Probably Tsubasa to check up on me again is what I think. I glance through the peephole and see that familiar raven hair and chiseled jaw. My stomach drops into my foot. I don't want to speak to him because I know I can't talk to him without giving away that we'd followed him. I go to the kitchen and retrieve his jacket. I open the door just wide enough to shove the jacket through, muttering a 'Here' before trying to close the door again, but his foot stops me.

"What's your problem?" He asks raising an eyebrow at me.

"Nothing I'm just tired so can you please move?" I say not even looking at him.

He pushes his way into our apartment before I can make a move to stop him, "Is your boyfriend here or something?"

"Don't be stupid." I mutter.

"You're the one being stupid." He retorts.

I sigh blowing my bangs skyward, "Why are you still here? I gave you your jacket, so just go."

"You're mad." He states.

No duh.

"Why would I be mad? You think I care what you do?" is my reply.

He reaches out for my face, but I slap his hand away, "No! Don't touch me. Stay away from me and stay away from my brother. Just get out."

He smirks bitterly, "So that's it huh? Well that didn't last long."

I yank up his shirt revealing the butt of the pistol, "Neither did you."

He pushes down my hand and we just glare at each other. I know I've given myself away, but I'm just so mad that I don't even care.

"'Phlegm and all' huh?"

"I already told you, didn't I?"

"Yeah I guess you did."

"Now please get out. I won't follow you again. You stay away from me and I'll stay away from you."

He takes a step toward me and towers over me with his glare. I don't back down. I never back down. I just stare up at him with the nastiest glare I can muster. I just want him to burst into flames at this point.

"And what if I don't want to?" He says darkly.

My heart gives a little flutter, but my anger is more prominent, "I can just call the police. Possession of a weapon and probably drugs, the press would have a field day. Maybe your parents might even disown you."

"I'm a Hyuuga. No one tells me what to do." He announces.

"Someone should. Just get the hell out _Hyuuga_. Maybe some girls are into the whole gang thing, but not me. I don't want in my home and I don't want it near my brother."

"Well don't you sound like a grown up." He mocks.

"Someone has to be."

"You're so full of it."

"_Excuse me_?"

"What are you deaf? You get all preachy about saving me and now all of a sudden you want to give up and tell me to stay away from you. I didn't ask for you to stick your nose in my business!" He yells.

"Well I'm sorry I did!" I yell back.

"Too late for that isn't it? But here, you still want to help me?" He says pulling the gun from his waist and holds the trigger side towards me, "Go ahead. Put me out of my misery. Go on Mikan, _save me._"

I push his hand away from me, "You spineless bastard."

"Yeah well screw you. I didn't ask for you or any of this."

"You're just a coward. Too afraid to do anything with your life so you just throw it away. I've seen what a guy like you becomes Natsume. I'm not going back there again."

"No one asked you to."

"You think I like this?! You think I like feeling this way or saying these things? Well newsflash, I don't. I hate seeing you and not being able to know what you're thinking about. I hate this feeling I get when you're around and when you're not around I hate wondering where you are. I hate that you're in my head. I hate feeling so comfortable with you, but you know what I hate most of all? I _hate _not hating you. I just feel sorry for you. Maybe I do have some kind of savior complex. I don't know. All I know is that I don't want you to go somewhere I can't follow."

We just stare at each other in silence. I want to take it back. When did this happen? When did my mouth start to say things that even I didn't know were true?

"Idiot." He says after a moment and I think I might cry.

I know I'm stupid and a moron and naïve, but I can't take back what I said. Natsume Hyuuga is a womanizer. He's mean, sadistic, and drinks a lot. He doesn't really have any friends and is on the road to becoming a gang member. He's everything I want nothing to do with, so why can't I stop? Like a moth to flame I continue to go to him. I can feel the heat and I back away, but I go back like the stupid moth. He puts the gun down on the table and sighs running a hand through his head in frustration looking at me the whole time. I want to cry, but my eyes refuse to shed tears so I stand there like a child waiting to be scolded.

He mutters curse words under his breath and slams his fist on the counter and before I can say anything to retract or defend my outburst his hands finds their way to my face and he kisses me hard.

Right on the lips.

Among all of the sensations I've felt since I came here, all of the discomfort, distrust, and disgust, I've never felt as horribly wonderful as I do with Natsume Hyuuga's lips pressed firmly against my own. All of the bad and good balled into in this one moment. The warmth from the flame starts to burn, but I can't pull away.

And like the moth, I've become utterly and devastatingly consumed by my flame.

* * *

><p><em>Hope you enjoyed the chapter! And yes this is they're first official kiss, but as much as you may love me for writing it, you'll probably hate me for the next chapter! But that's all you're getting out of me! Who knows I might change my mind ;)<em>

_Ain't I a devil?_

_Toodle loo my duckies!_

_Lots of Love _

_Chi-chan_


	16. Blind

_Hello faithful readers new and old,_

_First off I would like to thank all of you that have been with me since my early works and comment on my improvement as a writer it means a lot. And for those of you that are new I love each and every one of you with my heart from the most detailed reviewers to the "UPDATE NOW OR ELSE I'LL DIIIIIIIE" reviewers lol. You all have a special place in my heart. Even those of you that don't review and just faithfully read my stories from the bottom of my heart Thank you! It's sites like this and people like you that make me feel like maybe one day I can be a great novelists :)_

_Okay sappy rant over._

_My computer was out of commission and we almost had to part from one another, but I bought a new hard drive and battery and we are back in business. Chapter 17 will soon be in production so bear with me!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16: Blind<strong>

I haven't seen Natsume in over a week. He stopped coming into _Imai's_ and even Ruka doesn't know where he is. His phone has been turned off so Hotaru can't track him through GPS. Sumire's been in a foul mood and his other groupies have been hanging out in the bar for hours on end. His disappearance has started a whole new slew of rumors; everything ranging from a private wedding in the Caribbean with his mysterious brunette to apartment hunting in New York City for his post-graduation ascension into his family's multibillion dollar business industry. These girls are more than ridiculous when their imaginations start to spiral out of control.

As for me, I've been getting on with my life. As for the kiss and all things it might have implied, I take Natsume's absence as rendering it null and void. As far as I'm concerned it never happened and Natsume Hyuuga does not exist.

My heart on the other hand knows that that is a load of fertilizer. Whenever I catch my thoughts drifting back to that night, my heart starts fluttering like a frightened baby bird. He stared at me for a long moment with our lips hovering close to each other, his soft breaths trickling across my face. After that he just picked up his gun and left looking frustrated. I locked my door and went to bed without a sound.

I woke up the next morning with congestion that took a heavy dose of medicine and three cups of tea to break up. I made Youichi a big breakfast out of guilt because who knows how much he actually heard that night. He went about his daily routine as silently as ever and ate his breakfast while I got ready for work.

The rest of the week followed in the exact same manner: up at six, wake Youichi, get him ready for school, make breakfast, get ready for work, eat, ride with Youichi to school, hug him goodbye, and then it's off to work. I kept tissues and my cold medicine on me at all times and a little bottle of disinfectant. I smiled extra big and held in my coughs as I went about my work. Hotaru almost didn't let me come back, but I promised her extra precaution and told her I needed to work. And aside from a few sniffles and a cough, my cold was actually much better.

Just in time for my meeting with Sato Akira today too.

I took an extra dose of medicine and drank several cups of tea last night and woke up this morning feeling perfectly myself. I washed and pressed my uniform last night so getting ready this morning I felt like a well-oiled machine. I push all the Natsume talk, gossip, and rumors out of my mind and go about my work with trademark cheerfulness. My meeting with Akira is at five o' clock sharp which gives me an hour to get home with Youichi, change into something maternal and prepare snacks and drinks.

At a quarter to four I'm beginning to feel a little nervous. Serina couldn't stress enough how tough this guy is supposed to be. Misaki covers my last tables so I can get my things and wait for Grant outside. I watch the minutes tick by on my cell phone screen. Precisely at four Grant pulls up in his black town car. I jump into the backseat and hound Youichi with questions all the way home. He has his name, address, backstory, and behaviors memorized. I'm probably annoying him, but my nerves just keep my mouth moving. When we finally get home it's more of the same, I run around like a crazy woman making rice balls and iced tea, changing my outfit several times and making sure that everything is clean and pristine.

At five o' five my intercom buzzes announcing Mr. Sato's presence. I smooth down my skirt and fluff my hair. I buzz him in and wait the several painful minutes as he makes his way up the stairs. Youichi stands next to me in a pair of denim jeans, his new sneakers and a black polo. I open the door for Mr. Sato and greet him with a smile welcoming him into our home.

Sato Akira is a middle aged man whose hairline is already receding. He wears a suit to look formal, but the coat hangs open revealing a dark brown sweater to make it a little more casual. I offer him a seat on the couch and go to retrieve the snacks and beverages, but he declines. Sato Akira can't be bought apparently. He places his briefcase on the coffee table and takes out his notepad and pen. He scribbles some things down looking at Youichi who sits beside him. I take a seat on one of the stools and cross my legs. He takes in my outfit through his round spectacles: a knee length black skirt, a white blouse, and white doll flats. I let my hair down and straightened it like crazy and topped it off with a white headband. A very classy look if I do say so myself, but Mr. Sato just scribbles.

"I apologize," He says, "My mind takes notes almost immediately and I just have to write them all down before I forget. Case number 91106413-12: Mikan Yukihara and Youichi Hiriji."

Hearing my real name gives me a weird feeling like it's the magic words to my undoing.

"Eighteen years old, currently working two jobs under the same employer Imai Industries, you recently opened a bank account with a substantial amount of money, and then proceeded to spend that money on yourself and your dwelling."

"Uh-" I begin to tell him that I bought stuff for Youichi as well, but he cuts me off.

"That wasn't a question Miss Yukihara. I was merely going over your recently acquired case notes."

"Oh."

"I see Youichi is doing quite well in school. He's enrolled in Alice Academy on a full scholarship. Impressive."

"Than-" I begin again.

"If you don't mind I will do my rounds. I check the dwelling for basic requirements and make my report. Nothing to worry about of course."

Without a word he stands up from the couch and looks around the living room. I finally bought a small flat screen television for the living room and bought two more paintings for the walls making the room complete. He jots some things down and walks into the kitchen opening the refrigerator and all of the drawers and cabinets. He goes into the bathroom and I can hear the shower curtain moving, the faucets being turned on and off. He opens the medicine cabinet and finally makes his way into the bedroom. More drawers opening and closing and he even opens the window. He finally returns to the living room and sits on the couch, still scribbling.

"Now Miss Yukihara-"

It's my turn to interrupt, "Please call me Mikan."

"Alright Mikan, tell me about yourself." He says crossing his legs.

"Excuse me?"

"Tell me something about you that I'm not going to read in a file." He clarifies adjusting his glasses.

"Um-"

"For example I already know you're a pretty good student and a remarkable young woman taking on this feat, but I can read on and on about you and not really know you. For example, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No I don't."

"What's your best friend's name?"

"Hotaru Imai." I say without thinking.

"The daughter of business tycoon Kenji Imai and fashion icon Mizuki Imai is your best friend?"

I just nod. I've really stepped in it this time.

"I hear Ms. Imai is quite the genius. She has inventions in almost every field. She's doubled her family's net worth and she's only eighteen years old. I didn't think she had time for friends."

"Hotaru's complicated." I shrug.

"You don't have to lie Mikan. It looks poorly on you."

"I'm not lying. Hotaru Imai is my best friend." I protest.

"Very well then. Call her." He says folding his hands together.

"What?"

"If she's your friend, you should have her phone number, right? Then call her."

I hesitate, but pull my cell phone from my pocket. I hit speed dial for Hotaru's cell and before I can put it to my ear he tells me to put it on speaker. I really hope she doesn't pick up.

_Rrrrring_

Don't pick up.

_Rrrring._

Don't pick up.

_Rrrring-_

"What is it now Mikan?" She answers blankly.

"Sorry to bother you at work Hotaru, but I seem to have put you in the middle of something." I say sheepishly.

She sighs over the phone, "What moronic thing did you do now?"

"Ms. Imai, this is Akira Sato. Might I say, it iss a pleasure to hear your voice."

My super uptight case worker is actually smiling. Possibly one of the _fans _Ruka told me about? Shudder at the thought.

"And why should that matter to me?" Hotaru asks as if the conversation is already tiresome.

"Well I'm a case worker for Ms. Mikan and she called you out as her best friend."

"Best friend?"

Oh God.

"I'm sure as her employer she thought she could just call a name at random and I wouldn't check. I simply had her call you to show that I'm completely serious with my questions."

"What I'm hearing is that you are wasting my time, minutes, and breath on a stupid phone call for absolute nonsense."

"I apologize Ms. Imai, I'm sure you are really busy-"

"How would you possibly know that? One can assume that I'm busy, but only my best friend would know for sure if I'm working or not. So the next time the moronic urge takes hold of your body to have me called Mr. Sato, please check with my best friend before doing so. Mikan tell Mr. Sato I'm busy."

"Hotaru's busy." I repeat.

"Good. Mikan my mother wants you over for dinner. Seven pm sharp. See to it that Mr. Sato doesn't keep you long. I'm hanging up now."

_Click._

There's an awkward silence as I put my phone back in my pocket. I try not to smile as he scribbles something down. Hotaru is my best friend if our weird friendship is any proof. Mr. Sato adjusts his glasses to cover his embarrassment and clears his throat.

"What about you Youichi? Who is your best friend?" He asks turning to Youichi.

"Aoi." Youichi responds.

"Aoi?" He repeats skeptically.

"Aoi Hyuuga." Youichi clarifies.

"Aoi Hyuuga? You two certainly have some important friends." He comments scribbling again, "What is Aoi like?"

"She's stupid and cries a lot, but she runs fast and laughs a lot too." He responds.

Mr. Sato arches an eyebrow, "And that makes her your best friend?"

"She sticks to me all the time and I have to help her a lot, so yeah."

"Hmm interesting." Mr. Sato says, "Do you like school Youichi?"

"I guess."

"You do or you don't?"

"It's alright."

"What's your favorite subject?"

"Soccer."

"Soccer's not really a subject is it?"

"Why are you asking stupid questions?" Youichi asks not being able to hold in his annoyance anymore.

I laugh very loud to cover the awkward pause and tension, "Youichi's quite a card. He's not use to people making him talk so much."

More scribbling, "I see."

Youichi shots me a look that tells me that he doesn't like this guy. I give him a slight nod to show that I agree. I keep smoothing down my skirt against my thighs. When will this interrogation be over?

"So Mikan-chan, what are your plans for the future?"

"My plans?"

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" He specifies.

Oh God.

Is that really a factor here? I mean the world can end tomorrow. Shouldn't where I am now be enough? In five years I'll be twenty three probably still working at _Imai's_. Youichi will be ten years old still in elementary school at Alice Academy. He'll probably have friends and ask me to let him go on school trips and to the movies. I should probably move into a better place: maybe a two bedroom apartment or maybe even a small house. Mr. Sato probably wants to see ambition in a perspective parent, but I just want to be on my feet before I uproot my life again. I'm still indebted to Hotaru and I still need to make sure I can stay on top of my bills before I dive head first into a bigger apartment or a mortgage payment.

"I see myself right here Mr. Sato. Living comfortably and providing a stable life for Youichi and myself. I see myself taking him to the beach on vacation and to winter festivals and giving him all of the things that we never got to have like."

"Why should I place this boy in your care? Certainly a girl of your age should be out having fun and not killing herself to provide for a child."

"Most girls my age don't know what responsibility is. Most of them can't even think past their own face. I was forced to grow up too fast and instead of dwelling on what I lost and what I should be doing at this time in my life, I think about all that I've gained and the kind of person I want to be. My life was crappy, but it's not too late to do something important with it."

"And what about a career and a husband? Kids of your own?"

"Youichi is the most important person in my life right now. And if someone loves me enough to love him and come into our lives with the best intentions, how can I say no? But right now I'm not concerned with those things."

"Why are you doing this Miss Yukihara? How did you end up here?"

The expression on his face is serious because the answer to that question is not in any file. Part of me knew this question would come up. If they researched me as thoroughly as I knew they would they would know that I'm miles from home and a high school dropout. I take a deep breath and manage a tight lipped smile.

"My life before I came here was dangerous and unpredictable. I'd been thinking about leaving for a while because I'm eighteen and legally I belong to no one so no one can come after me even if they wanted to. Youichi is young and fragile and has had nothing but hardships. I couldn't leave him behind. What I wanted more than anything was to give him something to be happy about: for him to smile and play and live a life where you're not wondering if you're going to live or die. I need to adopt him so that I can guarantee that no one can take him from me."

He scribbled something down on his notebook and sighed, "Well Miss Mikan you appear to be quite resolved about this."

"I am."

He closes his notebook, "Well my notes are as follows: the dwelling is adequate and within safety protocol, the child has his own bed and space, you appear to be mentally stable, the child seems safe and comfortable. I am recommending that Youichi sees our child psychologist. If you're life style was indeed terrible, then we have to accurately assess whether or not the child is mentally disturbed."

I just nod as Mr. Sato collects his things, "Don't be discouraged, I was expecting a complete disaster, but you're quite the young woman as Serina claimed."

I smile.

"But, we still have two more visits to get through before anything becomes official."

"Of course." I say walking him to the door.

"I shall set up Youichi's appointment and call you with the details. Serina will keep you up to date on your progress. Good evening."

I close the door behind him and lean against the solid wood. Youichi stares at me from the couch and I grin at him. I let out a squeal and tackle Youichi into the couch.

"We passed!" I squeal.

"Get off me crazy." Youichi huffs.

I stand up from the couch and dance around the room, stuffing my face with rice balls. I feel like someone has cut me out of a corset that was pulled too tight. One of the toughest social workers just walked out of my apartment without setting my soul on fire. He's actually made me feel assured in something that I've known for a while: I'm okay. I'm not rolling in money or on the fast track to a great career, but I'm standing on my own two feet. I kiss Youichi's cheeks, smearing them with bits of rice. He looks disgusted and marches off to the bathroom, but I know he's happy on the inside. We've watched dramas where children end up in the system due to their subpar home life and group homes did not look fun.

I clean up the coffee table and reset the center pieces. I call Grant to pick us up to take us by the Imai's for dinner at a half past six. I run a brush through my hair and retrieve my pea coat from the bedroom closet. Youichi is already dressed in his coat and hat ready to head downstairs and wait for Grant.

As we slide into the backseat of the town car, I can't help but feel warm and tingly all over. I'm one step closer to absolute security when it comes to Youichi so that no matter where I go he will always be beside me until the day I let him go off into the world on his own. Whether it be off to college or to America to study of even to Tokyo to start his own life. It excites and saddens me to think that someday he'll be walking away from me like that first day at Alice Academy, but when that day comes I'll know that I've done the job that I assigned myself when I said those two words to him the day I changed our lives.

But that day is far off, with Youichi sitting next to me tucked underneath my arm, I know that even though the future is looming it is still far off. I still have a lot more first days, last days, spring breaks, summer breaks, final exam cram sessions, and a graduation to get through.

And surprisingly, I can't wait.

* * *

><p>Dinner at the Imai house is in the same dining room where we had lunch a few weeks prior except this time the entire room is plagued with something wedding related: rolls of fabric, several flower arrangements, stacks of different types of paper for invitations, and chairs of various colors and styles. When the maid shows us into the dining room, the chaos catches me of guard, but everyone sits around the table like it's not even there. I maneuver Youichi and myself through the fabric and chairs. We bow and I help Youichi into his seat before taking my own.<p>

Hotaru's father at first glance is the obvious source of Hotaru and Subaru's iciness, that is until he laughs at a comment his wife makes about the out of control wedding planning. His laugh is hearty and deep, resonating in his chest in a Santa Clause-like fashion. The way he looks at his wife from across the table reminds me of Tsubasa and Misaki. I guess all people in love look the same especially when it's with the right person. Hotaru has no idea how lucky she is. I know her life is not as charmed as it may be on the surface. Being a genius, everyone has expectations of her and she works hard to meet and even exceed those expectations. Like me, she doesn't trust people, but whereas I don't trust people because of the harm they might bring to my new fragile life, she doesn't trust people because she doesn't know who is coming to leech off of her success.

Looking at her now from across the table I can't believe she's friends with someone like me, we couldn't be more different, but I guess that's the beautiful thing about friendship.

We eat a delicious Italian themed dinner. I stuff my face with so much baked ziti I thought I might explode. Youichi and I drink milk while the rest of the family has wine with their dinner. Mizuki's cheeks are starting to get a little pink as she starts on her fourth glass.

"What an amazing dinner! That chef of yours has really out done himself dear." She says giggling.

"Well he's the only one who survived your extensive interview process honey." Her husband replies.

Mizuki hiccups, "Oh yeah! I think I made that French girl cry."

Mizuki laughs at her memory and polishes off the rest of her wine glass. Hotaru rolls her eyes while sipping from her own wine glass. I'm guessing inebriation is not a state I will ever see her indulge in which is just fine with me. The thought of Hotaru being flushed and giggly like her mother disturbs me.

"Mother I think you've had enough." Subaru states as he dabs his mouth with his handkerchief.

Mizuki narrows her eyes, "I'll let you know when I've had enough Mr. 'the tablecloths can't be made of the same material as the napkins'. Your wedding is right around the corner and I want to tear my hair out."

"You're the one who wanted a big wedding. Shizune and I were perfectly fine with filling out an application at the government office."

"You are an Imai, Subaru. You have to have a wedding. Plus that sounds like something _you_ want. Every bride wants to be a princess on her wedding day. Shizune works in _fashion_. A big wedding is in her blood. Her eye for detail and her model-like figure deserves to be put to their full potential."

"I've heard this speech a million times mother. You got your way as usual so can we just drop it?"

"No we cannot. You are spoiled rotten young man and always want everything done your way. A marriage is about two people, not just you and your obsessive need to control everything. Because of you poor Madeline has fled the country. The poor thing always had weak nerves and there you go changing everything every minute so she finally snapped."

"Madeline was the weak link among the bridesmaids." Shizune comments taking a sip from her own glass.

"Now we need another girl and the wedding is happening so soon."

"I thought that was the whole reason you wanted Mikan here." Hotaru reminds her mother.

Mizuki looks at me as if I had just materialized out of nowhere, "Mikan! There you are! You have an excellent figure. You would make a perfect bridesmaid. The dress would hardly have to be taken in at all except Madeline's a bit more bustier than you are. Oh Mikan would you? It's going to be a beautiful spring wedding in a big church with the harps and violins playing the wedding march. It'll be just like a dream. Won't you do it?"

The woman sure can make a case.

I fumble over my words, "Um I would love to help Mizuki, but I'm sure Shizune could give the spot to one of her friends or a family member even."

"But none of them have your figure! The whole configuration of the wedding party will be off!" Mizuki whines.

I look to the rest of the Imai's for help, but Mr. Imai has bowed out to take a phone call, Hotaru is stuffing her face to avoid saying anything, Subaru looks as if he couldn't care less, and Shizune just stares blankly at me with no sign of objection.

"I suppose I could-"

"Fantastic!" Mizuki chirps opening a writing portfolio she had sitting next to her on the table.

"Now we can just move around some seating. If Madeline thinks she can run away and still get to bring her plus five she has another thing coming."

"You can come get fitted tomorrow at six. All the dresses should be in from New York. Vera is not going to be too happy that she needs to do a set of alterations." Shizune says.

"Vera?"

"Vera Wang. If you don't get married wearing Vera, what's the point? She owed me a favor from saving her show last year."

I just nod. I think this is the first time Shizune has ever spoken to me directly. He voice is light, but she has the same-level tone that Subaru and Hotaru possess. She'll fit right in with this family that's for sure. Mizuki must feel like the black sheep of her family, then again if Hotaru and Ruka get married that will definitely help brighten up the family gene pool a bit. I wonder if Hotaru would take his last name assuming that Hotaru would even get married in the first place let alone to Ruka, but I think she'd do what most women in the public eye would do and keep her own name or maybe tack Nogi onto the end of her name to compromise. I don't know what Shizune's last name is, but it is soon to be Imai I'm sure. When you marry into a family like this, taking your husband's last name is expected especially if they are of traditional background which judging by Mizuki's desire for a big wedding, I'm guessing they are.

Shizune isn't drop dead gorgeous, but she's not plain by any means. Her high cheek bones and wide eyes make her cute, yet her glassed and serious expression make her very professional. How on earth she managed to become the assistant to a character like Mizuki I will never know.

Before I leave the Imai household Hotaru and I go upstairs to her room. I almost make an excuse and just grab Youichi and run out the door, but with Natsume missing and me acting all dodgy, she was bound to corner me sooner or later. She banishes Youichi to the game room and invites me upstairs under the pretense that she wants to get feedback on the phone she gave me.

"So?" she says sitting at her vanity.

"The phone is great: good service, really easy to use, the buttons all work and everything. I'm really getting the hang-"

"If you're going to call yourself my best friend, you're going to have to stop being so moronic. You know that's not what I meant." She says removing her earrings.

"Yeah I'm sorry about that it just sort of came out."

"Stop avoiding the subject."

"I'm not avoiding the subject because there is no subject to avoid. He's gone off the grid like always and he'll be back and we won't know what he did until he gets back, so why bother?"

"Did something happen?" she asks like she already knows the answer.

I run my hands through my hair and sit in her computer chair, "I thought it was something, but he left anyway. So believe me when I say it's nothing."

"Well if you thought it was something, maybe you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss it."

"I have to dismiss it. I can't let him run my life. I have responsibilities. If he wants to fall off the earth and pretend he doesn't, then that's that."

"And when he comes back?" She says facing me directly.

"_If_, he comes back," I correct, "And I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."

"If you say so. Don't forget your fitting tomorrow. I'll take you after your shift."

"Careful Hotaru. If we keep this up, we really will be best friends." I tease.

She doesn't even glance at me as she disappears into the bathroom, "Shut up."

* * *

><p>I did not get to meet Vera Wang, but I did get to meet one of her very stressed out international assistants. After my shift at the restaurant, Hotaru drove me down to<em> Yumi Katsura Couture<em>,where Madeline's dress was ready to be altered. In the pristine clear dress bag, the dress looked beautiful, but after being forced to strip down and slip into the soft garment I felt like my eight year old self wearing my mother's clothes. The bust was too big and the dress itself gave me no figure to speak of.

"It will definitely have to be taken in." the flustered assistant says.

"It's drowning the poor girl." An older woman says coming in from the back of the store.

She's wearing a black pantsuit with lilac accenting the collar and sleeves. She wears a pair of wingtip glasses that were probably all the rage back in her day. Her hair is cut short and pinned up to restrain any loose locks or flyways. She circles around me like a vulture, pursing her lips and wrinkling her nose. A young girl possibly another assistant or an intern, holds the pin cushion and silently follows the woman as she continues to eyeball me. Finally she begins grasping at the dress and sticking pins in it with expert skill.

The workers in the room offer Hotaru a variety of beverages: different brands of bottled mineral water, coffee, tea, even pink lemonade. She takes the china cup with coffee and sips it like a typical heiress. For twenty minutes I was the perfect pin up doll trying very hard not to breathe or make direct eye contact.

Slowly, but surely the mass of peach colored fabric started to fit my body the right way. The dress reaches down to mid-thigh with several skirt layers to make it very gown-like. The bodice is decorated with several jewels and straps that tie into a giant bow at the back. Bridesmaid's dresses that I've seen on television have always been long and glamorous. This dress is just as glamorous, but I feel like I'm going to prom rather than a wedding.

"Stay still." The woman says to me before heading to the back of the store. Hotaru flips through a magazine with little interest and looks up once the woman is gone.

"It doesn't look hideous on you."

"Don't start gushing now." I tell her looking at myself in the mirror.

"My mom will cover the expenses for the bridesmaids so don't worry about it. Just be on time to the wedding. Shizune has refused a bachelorette party, so we're just having a bridal shower."

"She probably wants to keep everything classy. Bachelorette parties are usually pretty wild or so I've read."

"Shizune is perfect for my brother in that respect. She never wants to make a fuss. I'm curious as to how she'll be when she gets pregnant."

I chuckle, "She'll just be a bigger version of herself. What about you? Most stoic mother of the year award?"

"I will probably perfect the cloning process making the need to procreate obsolete."

I roll my eyes playfully, "Typical Hotaru answer."

"What about you?" She asks raising an eyebrow at me.

"I don't know. I have my hands full with Youichi so I'm definitely getting mom practice, but having a kid of my own means that there is a guy involved and you know how bad I am at social interaction let alone dating someone."

"You're too young to be a mom anyway."

"But I already am. Kind of. I don't mind though. I get to go back and forth between being a sister and being a mom. It's kind of nice."

"What about the rest of your life?"

"I just want to take care of Youichi as best I can."

"I don't think Youichi would like it if he thought you were giving up your life just to take care of him."

"Taking care of Youichi is the only thing I really know how to do. I did debate and theater in school and played sports, but I don't have any skills that will give me a decent job especially without a college degree. I don't even have a real high school diploma."

"You shouldn't give up on yourself Mikan."

"I'm not. I just-," I take a deep breath, "I just want to be okay for right now. I don't want to go off looking for myself and lose what I have right now."

The woman returns with her assistant in tow and allows me to change. She and Hotaru talk while I put back on my regular clothes. I still have the night shift at the bar. Part of me wonders if Natsume will show up, but the other more rational part of me tells the first part to shut the hell up. The car ride back to Imai's is quiet except for the dull hum of the radio. The two sides of me battle it out all the way to the restaurant. This is exactly why I hate down time all of those extra thoughts that can't reach me when I'm working, force their way into my brain the minute I take a breather.

"Mikan are you listening?" Hotaru says cutting through my thoughts.

I turn to look at her, "Huh?"

"I swear it's like there's nothing in your head sometimes."

"I'm sorry Hotaru. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that maybe you should think a little bit more about your future. If you want Youichi aspire to be more than his situation, you have to rise above as well."

"Yeah I know you're right." I say turning back to the window.

* * *

><p>Natsume didn't show up at the bar and no matter how many drinks I served or how many tables I wiped or how many times my butt got swiped by a drunken pervert I still found myself thinking about him. If he's okay, what is he doing, who is he with, is it a girl? But by the time the weird jealousy thoughts start to creep up I'm called away to do something else. I'm not jealous of those girls because I know that to Natsume it doesn't mean anything, but if you get kissed by a guy who is notorious for his lack of affection and absence of emotional depth how do you explain to your thudding heart that it meant nothing?<p>

I let go another sigh as I drop off my drink orders to the bartender. I didn't even notice Sumire perched on the bar next to me until she spoke.

"What's your problem? I mean aside from that outfit." She says.

As usual Sumire is in her trademark thigh high boots coupled with a black mini dress and leather jacket folded up at the elbow. She's on her third pink cosmopolitan. When Natsume's not around, she tends to drink more which only makes her less pleasant to be around.

"What do you care?" I ask loading my glasses onto the tray.

Sumire pouts, "I don't, but my Natsume-kun isn't here and I'm bored."

"Well sorry, but it's not my job to entertain you Sumire." I say rolling my eyes.

"Only because you're a bore. What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be kissing Hotaru's ass or something? I hear you two have become quite the pair." She says with a smirk.

"Shouldn't you be working or something? Your legion of admirers is nowhere to be found."

"I sent them off. I'm not in the mood today." She replies draining her glass and signaling the bartender for another one.

I pick up my loaded tray and slip away from Sumire before she can say anything else. How anyone converses in here is beyond me.

In a blur my shift was over and I was wrapping my scarf around my throat waiting for Grant to pull up and take me back home where Youichi and Misaki were waiting. Grant, perfectly punctual as always, pulls up in his town car and takes me home without a word. I wonder what he does with the rest of his day, but I feel like it would be rude to ask. As we pull up to the apartment building a dark figure leans against the wall a few feet from the door.

In this moment I am grateful that I have a personal driver instead of taking the bus this late at night. I get out of the car and make a beeline for the door, but the figure leans off of the wall and I stop cold in my tracks.

"Natsume." I say barely above a whisper.

He takes two steps toward me stopping about a foot away. He looks the same minus his leather jacket which is buried in the back of my closet under some shopping bags. His eyes are dull and tired like he hasn't slept in a few days. I've tried not to imagine this moment. I always thought that if we saw each other again it would be in passing like at the bar during my shift or outside a restaurant while I'm with Nobara or Anna. But now that he's standing in front of me outside my apartment I don't know what I should be feeling. Relieved that he is alive, worried about his health, scared that he's done something terrible, or just happy to see him again.

"Ms. Mikan shall I escort you inside?" Grant calls from behind me.

I turn to look at him he must be worried that this guy is trying to rob me or cause me harm; it is dark out after all.

"No Grant, Natsume just came by for a visit. I'll be alright."

He tips his cap and gets back into the car. I watch his taillights disappear around the corner before turning back to Natsume who is still looking at me. Feeling a little self-conscious I run a hand through my hair and laugh dryly.

"So you're back now? Did you off anyone or was this just one of your usual disappearances?" I say sarcastically.

"Were you worried?" He asks.

I scoff, "You're a big boy and like you said I should learn to mind my own business."

"I'll take that as a yes." He says as smug as ever.

"Take it however you want it. I'm going inside." I say heading for the door.

"It's not going to be so easy."

I turn back towards him, "What are you talking about?"

"I left because of you and now I'm back for the same reason. I don't like repeating myself so I'll say this once: you're not getting rid of me. I'm just giving you what you want."

I open my mouth to reply, but I honestly don't know what to say. I'm actually struck speechless. Who does this guy think he is? He barges into my life and leaves just as quickly and then comes right back making declarations like he's the emperor of Japan. He reaches out to touch my face, but I smack his hand away and he just smirks.

"You have no idea what I want and even if you did, you're not the person that could give it to me."

Without giving him a chance to respond I go inside the apartment building. Tsubasa is talking to some woman at the desk who is probably another tenant so I give him a wave and go upstairs where Misaki and Youichi are watching television.

"Hey." I call firmly locking the apartment door.

"Hey working girl. How was your day?"

"Well," I begin, pausing to kiss the top of Youichi's head, "I got roped into being a bridesmaid for Hotaru's brother's fiancée. I had to get fitted for my dress and think deeply about what I'm going to wear to the bridal shower."

"Sounds like fun." She says.

"Hardly. Mizuki and I seem to be the only ones with any emotion. Money may be able to buy the best designer dresses and the most gorgeous wedding of the year, but if those people don't crack a smile once in a while their wedding pictures are going to look like funeral pictures."

"The Imai's are notorious for being stoic just like the Hyuuga's."

"How did I end up being among these people, I will never know." I say plopping into the empty space on the couch.

Misaki laughs, "Consider it a good fortune. Maybe some famous people will be there and offer you a modeling contract."

"Yeah right. And maybe there will be a petting zoo."

"Don't be silly. You're quite gorgeous you know. Especially with your new clothes and fancy hair-dos, but even more than that you are a beautiful person and it shows."

I beam at her, "Thanks Misaki."

"No problem. Well I should get downstairs before Tsubasa passes out from lack of nicotine."

"I really wish he wouldn't smoke."

Misaki shrugs, "Me too, but his job is stressful and I don't want to add withdrawal to it. He promised me that when we get a house of our own he would quit and I believe him."

We say our good nights and I send Youichi off to bed. Waiting up for me is really interfering with his sleep schedule, but I know I can't tell him to go to bed before I get home. Youichi may be complacent most of the time, but when it comes to waiting up for me he's downright defiant.

I complete my nightly ritual and watch a movie trying to distract myself from the complex twists and turns of my life. Sleep seems pretty far off at this point. Natsume is back, I'm a bridesmaid, my equivalency exam is coming up, I have two more surprise visits to live through, and the ever looming 'what are you going to do for the rest of your life' question buzzing through the gaps.

I roll onto my side pulling my blanket up to my chin. I find myself thanking the universe that it's Friday which means that soon it'll be Saturday and I can sleep in and study for my test and not have to leave the apartment at all. With that thought in mind I can feel myself getting more and more tired.

* * *

><p>"Oi old lady." A voice calls.<p>

I blink open my eyes to see a fully dressed Youichi standing in front of me. I stretch and yawn, "What time is it?"

"Almost seven." He replies.

"Oh my God!" I yell leaping out of bed.

"You sleep like you're dead, you know that?"

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I ask yanking clothes out of the closet.

"I've been trying for an hour."

"Oh my God." I mutter jumping into a pair of jeans.

"Natsume-nii is on his way."

I pause in the middle of brushing my teeth, "What?"

"He called and said he was going to give me a ride to school." Youichi said blankly.

My brain is still booting up, so it's hard for me to comprehend this information. Natsume Hyuuga called my apartment and offered to take Youichi to school? That's low even for him. Trying to get to me through Youichi? That scum.

I spit in the sink and march into the kitchen grabbing an apple from a bowl on the counter. Holding the apple with my mouth I yank my shirt over my head and grab my work bag. I'm a little disoriented from getting dressed so fast, but a knock on the door corrects my senses. Youichi goes to the door while I yank my hair up into a ponytail. Natsume and Youichi stand in the doorway looking eerily familiar waiting for me to follow them out and lock the door.

Tsubasa is going to have a field day if he's up manning the desk already. Thankfully he is absent from his desk and we slip out of the lobby unseen. Natsume's Porsche sits parked two cars down and Youichi goes on ahead because Aoi is waving at him through the backseat window. I tug Natsume's arm before we get too close.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"Exactly what you want. I'm being a good brother to my sister and taking her to school."

"And what does that have to do with Youichi and me?"

"Well I figure Aoi would enjoy the company and as for you, well I just like seeing the annoyed look on your face."

"You're a pig."

"You love it." He says walking to the driver side of the car.

I grumble some not nice names for Natsume that I have invented and get into the passenger side of the car. I put all of my energy into ignoring him and pretending that I was on the moon suffering from a lack of oxygen. It isn't until we're pulling up in front of the school that I speak.

"Why are we at the school first? I have to go to work."

"I'm dropping off Aoi and Youichi first."

"Why? Don't you have to go to school too? You're making three trips instead of two."

"I think onii-san just wants to be alone with you." Aoi giggles from the back seat.

Youichi opens the door and yanks her out by her elbow and slams the door shut. He pulls Aoi all the way through the gates and up the stairs. I'm mortified that a six year old could piece something like that together.

"Idiot." Natsume says pulling the car away from the curb.

"Well how was I supposed to know? Why would you want to be alone with me anyway?"

"So I can kiss you whenever I want." He says blankly.

I can feel my cheeks get hot, "As if I would let that happen again."

"Why not?"

"Because I am not some toy you can just kiss and then disappear and then come back and kiss again. You have legions of girls lined up for that occupation."

"You're the last girl I've kissed and before that I can't even remember."

"Is that supposed to impress me? Or just make my heart all fluttery?" I ask sarcastically.

"For someone who's all smiley all the time, you sure are bitter. Hiding some demons in your closet?"

"Show me yours and I'll show you mine."

"Tch."

"You're not exactly the perfect spokesperson for opening up. For a spoiled little rich kid without a care in the world, you sure take your life for granted. Care to illuminate?"

"You're so sure that my life is perfect. Why? Because I'm rich? Because my parents have good jobs? Because I'm a genius? Or because my sister and I are so vastly different that I must be the one with the problem?"

"I'm just saying for a guy with a ton of resources at his disposal, joining a gang cannot be the only way to cope with whatever your hardships are."

"Who says I'm trying to cope? Maybe I think you should try something before you judge it. Maybe I just want to have some reckless fun before I have to go off and get a nine to five like everyone else on the planet."

"So you're doing it to kill time? You think beating up junkies and carrying a gun is just reckless fun? How fun is it going to be when you kill someone? Or if you get killed? Or busted? Do you even care about the consequences of your actions?"

"I guess not."

I scoff, "You're a pig."

He slams on the brakes jerking the car to a halt, "You think you know everything, but you don't. So don't preach to me about something you don't know anything about. Just shut your mouth."

In one swift movement I unbuckle my seatbelt and get out of the car. I must've been insane to think that any feeling towards Natsume Hyuuga that isn't disgust or distain is a good thing. Temporary insanity is definitely to blame. I dig my hands around in my coat pockets looking for my phone to call Grant so I can at least punch in on time. A big hand closes around mine taking my phone from me. I'm about to launch into full blown freak out/panic mode when I come face to face with Natsume. Looking back I can see he's abandoned his double parked car in the street to catch up with me.

"Give that back." I demand.

"No I don't think I will. I'm not used to people storming away from me and I definitely don't chase after them."

"Why did you?"

"Because Hotaru will kill me if anything happens to you. Do you even know where you're going?"

"I'd get there faster if you weren't holding my hand."

He releases my hand and I snatch back my phone. I see people getting on the bus and run to catch it. Much to my surprise Natsume gets on as well and sits down next to me.

"Have you ever ridden a city bus before?" I ask him genuinely curious.

"No I always thought they were just for show."

I roll my eyes and press myself up against the window. At this rate I'll be late for work and I'll be in a foul mood.

"Oi."

"What?" I snap at him with the best glare I can muster.

"Fix your face." He says poking me in the forehead, "You look constipated."

"Well in addition to being late for work, I'm being stalked by an annoying, inconsiderate, womanizing bastard who is obsessed with throwing his life down the toilet."

"That's not what's bothering you." He states.

"Oh really?"

"You're mad about the kiss."

I can't even reply.

"You're mad because you liked it. It was probably your first kiss."

"You are unbelievable. I haven't even thought about it since it happened and it doesn't count if I don't kiss back and I didn't. My official first kiss will be with someone I like, someone who isn't such an ass."

"Someone like your precious landlord?" He scoffs.

I roll my eyes, "He's engaged you moron."

"But if he wasn't you'd be all over him right?"

"Just stop talking to me. Get off this bus, go back to your car, go to school and leave me alone."

At this point in our conversation the other passengers are giving us awkward glances. Natsume seems completely oblivious, but I can feel their eyes on me like lasers boring into my flesh and every second spent quarreling with Natsume is just making it worse. I want the bus to plunge into a lake at this point, but I know that won't solve anything. Even from our watery graves Natsume will still continue to bug the crap out of me.

I fold my arms across my chest and slump down in my seat. Natsume just stares ahead silently. Suddenly his hand reaches over and takes mine, interlocking our fingers before I could pull away.

"What are you-" I begin.

"Just shut up for a second." He says.

So I do. I had no intention to, but it just seemed easier then fighting with him. Being mad at Natsume is more exhausting than it seems. So I just sit there with my right hand entangled with his left and his thumb trailing back and forth over mine in what I'm assuming is supposed to be a soothing gesture.

The minutes tick by and more and more people get off the bus. It doesn't occur to me that I'm not keeping track of the stops because Natsume's hand around mine is very distracting. When we finally get off the bus, I'm about five blocks passed _Imai's _and officially late for work.

"Great. Do you see what you cause?" I whine stomping my foot in frustration.

"It's not my fault you're too stupid to use public transportation correctly."

"If you weren't invading my space, maybe I could have been concentrating on the route."

"So I'm distracting?"

"Yes! I'm mean no. God you're infuriating!"

I'm getting flustered and red and I know it, but this guy gets under my skin almost as easily as he can get between his fan girls' legs. With that thought in mind I yank my hand away from his and start stomping my way to work.

"Should I start acting more paternal? Is that what puts you in a better mood? I can rub your head and call you kiddo." He says ruffling my bangs.

"Stop it." I say pushing his arm away.

"Or maybe a playful punch in the arm is more your taste." He lightly punches me in the arm with both fists.

I can only roll my eyes.

"Or maybe you're more of a wrestler." He says catching me in a headlock.

Is this guy for real?

"Are you insane?" I say trying not to scream.

"Not clinically." He responds holding me gently, but firming against his side.

"Get off!" I yell trying to free myself.

"You're right," He says releasing me, "You just go for guys who have no interest in you."

"What?" I say yanking my hair out of its ponytail.

He pushes his hands into his pockets, "If they're not into you, there's not risk. You fawn over them from afar and no one gets hurt right?"

"What should I be leaving a trail of broken hearts and discarded underwear in my wake like _some_ people?"

"Of course not, when girls do it they're just sluts."

"Double standards sure are fun aren't they?" I say walking away from him.

"So you're mad that I left."

"You're a big boy Natsume. I'm not going to keep repeating myself."

"Then say something new. Say something true."

"I did say something true. I asked you not to leave and you left anyway." I say pulling my hair up into a ponytail again.

"I had to." He shrugs.

"Why? What was so important that you had to just disappear?"

He grabs my hand, "Because you gave me your stupid cold you moron."

I blink at him, "What?"

"I was sick." He emphasizes.

I scoff, "You can do better than that."

"It's the truth. You can ask my prison warden of a mother. She had me on lock down for days took my phone, my computer, and wouldn't even let me call Ruka. I'm always careful not to get sick around her. One cough and you'll be getting chicken soup through an IV."

I stared at him for a long moment. I really couldn't tell if he was telling the truth or not.

"Even prisoners get one phone call." I say after a silence.

"Not in my house." He replies.

We stare at each other for a long moment standing there on the street corner waiting for the light to change. I know he's lying, but I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly I can't stand it. I want to believe that he was sick and delusional and his super Surgeon mother hog-tied him to his mattress and hooked a chicken soup IV to his arm.

So why can't I?

His crimson eyes are boring into mine, silently asking me to swallow his story without arguing or asking any more questions. But a million questions are buzzing around my head. He grabs my hand and locks our fingers and pulls me across the street. I wander behind him in a daze barely making out the people walking past us, the cars in the street or even the sidewalk under my feet. All I can see is him.

I'm completely blinded by Natsume Hyuuga.

His mess of ebony hair, broad shoulders covered with his school blazer, long legs making determined strides towards our destination, long fingers tangled with my own, that is all I can make out from where I'm standing.

* * *

><p><em>So you know that drill let me know what you think and continue to support me as I try to manage all points of my life and still provide quality fanfics :)<em>

_Try to remember that this story is a little more thought out then some of my previous works so even if something seems random, it's not ;)_

_I will throw in some fluff for a little bit of content and to whet your appetites, but nothing lacks meaning (for the most part)._

_I don't really write anything down and sometimes I just go from memory so if I forget something drop me a line, but keep in mind I'm a big fan of disappearances and reappearances of people, objects, and places so that nothing is lost in the grand scheme._

_That's all for now!_

_Lots of LoveLoveLove,_

_Chi-chan 3_


	17. Burn

****_So the long awaited chapter is here. Sorry about the wait and I warn that it is mostly more ground work being laid for the next series of chapters that are sure to be a doozey._

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17: Burn<strong>

It didn't take long for Natsume's return to stir up trouble. Physics tells us that an object in an unnatural state will return to its natural state. Natsume Hyuuga's natural state is wearing dark clothes, hanging out in the dim corner of the bar in the company of several women or shady characters, but as of late Natsume and Ruka have been inseparable. According to Hotaru, Ruka and Natsume's relationship had become somewhat estranged thanks to Natsume's after dark extra-curricular activities, but now Natsume seems to be acting more or less like his old self from about two years ago.

For some reason approaching Natsume alone is completely okay for girls like Sumire and Gretchen, but when Natsume and Ruka are sitting together having drinks and talking, the perfection overload at their table wards off possible invaders, even Sumire keeps her distance. They would much rather observe this phenomenon than take part. Like watching wild jungle cats laze about in their natural habitat.

Also according to Hotaru, Natsume's list of consorts and conquests is completely gone. She says the only thing that changes a man's sexual appetite so suddenly is when he becomes enamored.

I'm not going to lie; I had to look the word up to know what she meant.

_Enamored (verb.): to inflame with love: to cause to feel a strong or excessive interest or fascination: to charm or captivate._

Upon reading that, I dropped my pocket dictionary as if it had spoken the words to me and collapsed into my couch. He's enamored? With me? On what planet?

But of course the evidence is mounting. He watches me constantly from across the bar. I can feel it because it makes my skin prickle and burn. Then he takes Youichi to school every morning, _every morning_. He stands outside of his car looking completely casual as Youichi goes to greet Aoi and climb into the backseat. When I declined saying that I have a personal driver that I shouldn't neglect, he didn't even argue. He just casted me this look and turned back to his car. When I get home after work he's in my apartment with a flushed Misaki, helping Youichi and Aoi do their homework. Then he scolds me about not being smart enough to pass my equivalency test and then forces me to study as well. After about two hours he'll complain about being hungry to which I'll respond with a snarky comment about going home to his five star chef and fine china to which he replies with a command that I prepare a meal for him where Youichi and Aoi also chime in. Outnumbered and outwitted I retreat to the kitchen and cook. He complains from start to finish about how much salt I put in the food or about the meat being too tough or the sauce being too spicy, but there he is three times a week eating my home-cooked meals.

Scary enough it seems to have become a very weird routine.

Luckily for me no one else seems to have caught on to Natsume's new behavior toward me. At work I keep it strictly professional and stay busy. If I find myself being idle for longer than a half-second I wipe down any surface I can reach, which leads me to offending a customer or two. I apologize profusely and banish myself to the washroom to load more glasses. I sit on top of the rambling machine and close my eyes pretending to feel the earth quake.

"I thought I'd find you in here." A voice calls.

I open my eyes to find Gretchen leaning in the open doorway, the thumping bass flooding into the room behind her. I hop off the machine and fix my skirt, "Were you looking for me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she says letting the door close behind her, "We need to talk."

"Do we? We hardly know each other."

"We may not know each other, but I know something about you. For instance, you're not a French model. You're a waitress."

"I never said anything to the contrary. In fact I'm pretty sure you're the one that started that rumor."

"How was I supposed to know that Natsume-kun would go temporarily insane and ditch _me_ for the likes of you?"

I simply shrug, "Maybe he got bored."

"Excuse me?" she says folding her arms across her semi-exposed chest.

"You're a brand in a place like this. Like going to a fine restaurant and paying a hundred dollars for some smelly fish that looks nice on a plate."

"What are you saying?" she asks not knowing whether or not to be offended.

"I'm saying there are plenty of expensive dishes in this place that basically all taste the same. Maybe he's just bored with the same old plates."

She opens her mouth to respond, but I think she's still processing the metaphor, "Are you insulting me?" she finally asks.

I repress the urge to laugh, "No, I'm just telling you a simple fact. If you eat something too often you get tired of it."

"So if we're all fish what are you? Diamond encrusted soufflé?" She scoffs.

I think about for a moment, "No I think I'm just a cheeseburger. Sometimes you just want a cheeseburger."

I pat her shoulder as I stroll past her, "Don't worry. Guys like Natsume would never commit to a cheeseburger."

A bitter smile graces my face as I get back to work. Did I want Natsume to commit to me? Sometimes it seems as if he is, but we've never been on a date or been alone together in an intimate setting, but his presence is constant. I always see him and he's made a habit out of hanging out in my apartment. I would never ask him in a million years how he feels about this. I'm still convinced that he's only doing this because he's bored with his typical routine. I do take comfort in the fact that if he's with me, he's not out doing something bad. It does make me suspicious. Reo was more than pleased to get Natsume in his little group. I don't think if Natsume wanted to quit, it would be that easy.

As for the excuse he gave me as to his disappearance, I tried to ask Aoi about it when Natsume was at practice, but she clammed up really quick. Her eyes looked like she wanted to tell me, but someone probably forewarned her about spilling the beans. I dismissed the question pretending to just be curious, but Aoi's typical smile had vanished for the rest of the day.

Needless to say, several red flags rose thanks to that occurrence, but I kept my mouth shut when Natsume showed up and Aoi was back to being herself. Part of me burns to know the truth, but another part of me is terrified to find out.

* * *

><p>Shizune's bridal shower is taking place in a suite in The Ruby Plaza. I sat in the passenger seat of Hotaru's Mercedes cursing my luck. I thought for sure that this would be a Natsume-free day, but of course I end up coming to him instead of him coming to me.<p>

"Stop pouting. Natsume's not even here. He and Ruka went to Tokyo with Ruka's mother." Hotaru said without me having to say a word.

"Tokyo?"

"Some favor she wants them to do. I think she said something about an auction, but Natsume and Ruka don't know that."

"And you do?" I ask with an eyebrow raised.

"I know everything." She says before exiting the car and handing the keys to the valet.

I exit the car after her clutching my small package. It's customary to bring a gift to these events, but what do you get someone that has everything? I take comfort in that Hotaru also has a small package under her arm. Maybe this won't be a big deal.

The party attire is elegant casual so of course Anna's help was needed to help me get ready. I bought a new dress just for the occasion: a silk-lace, pale orange glow knee length dress with a low scoop back. It hangs slightly off the shoulder giving it a very classy look. Anna lends me a simple necklace with a yellow jeweled sunflower pendant. I shove my feet into a pair of yellow pumps on loan from Hotaru's lavish closet. Anna works her magic with my hair with a few over-the-phone tips from Nobara who was on a weekend trip with her parents.

At a quarter to two Hotaru arrives to pick me up and assures me that I don't look completely hideous. I hold my neatly wrapped package in my lap and acted like this was something that I'm used to, but surprisingly even I am getting used to it. Sitting in front of Anna and letting her play beautician, raiding Hotaru's closet for shoes, and riding in cars that are more expensive than any house I have ever lived in.

I follow Hotaru past the doorman and through the lobby. Hotaru walks with purpose, like no movement is ever wasted or over calculated. It always catches me off guard to see how poised she is. In an aqua-blue cocktail dress and a brand new pair of cotton candy blue stilettoes from Chanel, she dominates the lobby. Everyone turns to stare and whisper and take her in. I feel like a frumpy two-year old compared to her, but out of everyone in the world this girl is my best friend. With that realization I can't help but smile and scurry to catch up with her. Her trench coat is draped over her shoulders like cape. I opt to carry my pea coat in my arms along with my small box while we wait for the elevator. There were several people waiting for the elevator, but when it arrived and Hotaru entered, no one followed. They all just stood staring at us in the spacious elevator. Hotaru told the elevator operator the floor number and the doors slid closed. I sat down on the couch-yes there is an actual couch in the elevator-and sighed.

"What was that? Do we really look that out-of-place?" I ask looking at my reflection in the elevator's polished chrome finish.

"They weren't staring because we're out-of-place." Hotaru states.

"Then why were they?"

"Because they're morons."

"Or maybe it's because you're scary." I tease.

"Perhaps. My family name can be intimidating."

"But how do they know-" But I stop myself knowing that it is a dumb question to ask.

Her eyes, in combination with raven hair and that smothering air of power and authority could only come from an Imai. I hold her elbow and smile when she turns to look at me.

"Well you don't scare me." I say.

"You're too stupid to know to be afraid."

Shizune's bridal shower is taking place in one of the hotel's more intimate lounges. The double doors open and the scent of tea and cakes saunters out of the room. Two girls with matching blonde pigtails offer to take our coats. Their Lolita style dresses are modeled after the ace and three of hearts. They usher us into a brightly lit room with black and white checkered floors and a long table covered by a crisp white table cloth. Several tier cake stands line the center of the table and fine china tea sets with different designs are scattered around. Several women are already seated, chatting idly with each other.

I follow Hotaru to two empty chairs next to the head of the table. The other women glance at us and whisper amongst themselves. I can't help but roll my eyes. It's no wonder Hotaru isn't very social, even though they all swim in the same circle, they treat Hotaru like some pariah even though becoming friends with her would make them even more reputable then they probably are. One of the women I recognize from a series of movies and commercials.

"Where's Shizune?" I ask.

Hotaru sighs, "The bride is always the last to arrive that's why everyone else comes early."

"Oh. Is this a themed party?"

"Alice in Wonderland."

"I love that book."

"Utter nonsense."

"Okay Alice." I tease.

As the clock got closer to the start time of the bridal party, more and more women showed up. I guess I was under the impression that this would be a small gathering, but by the time the Ace of hearts announced Shizune's arrival, there were already 18 women in attendance.

Shizune walked into the room wearing a full gown modeled after the Queen of Hearts ensemble. Her jet black hair is pulled up into a high ponytail with a white ribbon embroidered with red hearts. A small gold crown with red jewels encrusted in a heart shape sat off to the side of her head.

She held a gold scepter in her hand looking as dignified as a real queen. She took her seat at the head of the table and all the women fell into silence and waited for her to speak.

"Thank you all for being in attendance for my bridal shower. As you can see the theme is Alice in Wonderland and instead of sitting around gabbing I want to play games. So we will pass around this top hat and everyone will pick the parts they will play."

I look at Hotaru for clarity, but she just stared blankly ahead. I turn back to Shizune who used her specter to usher the three of hearts to bring her tray which had little folded hearts on top. Each woman took one and unfolded it reading their parts aloud.

"March Hare." A brunette girl announces happily.

"Mine just has a heart on it." a red-head states with a huff.

"Those of you who receive hearts are a part of the Queen's court. Handmaids of sorts. You will receive a red jeweled brooch that you may keep after the festivities. Those of you who receive shields will be a part of the white Queen's court. The only other parts are March Hare, Mad Hatter, and Cheshire cat."

As she spoke the cards continued to move their trays down either side of the table and each girl took a red folded slip and read off their parts: some were disappointed, others intrigued. As the three of hearts finally reached Hotaru and I, I waited as Hotaru carefully took a slip with a perfectly manicured hand, unfolded and read-

"Alice."

I almost laughed at the coincidence. I reached on top of the tray and pulled the remaining slip off the tray.

White Queen

"The White Queen?" I say.

"The roles are just a way of keeping things interesting." Shizune says.

I am handed a white crown that looked more like a white lily in bloom than an actual crown. It's accented with turquoise jewels and a row of diamonds around the base. I want to ask if t's real, but at this point I know it would be looked upon as a dumb question. Besides it's all part of the game.

The three of heart helps my put my crown on so it doesn't slip. I can feel the eyes of the other party guest on me. As my insecurities slink up my spine, I fight the urge to tear the crown off my head and run from the room, but I remember my drama days back in high school and how the stares I am receiving now are similar to the ones I got when ever I got certain roles or got high raise from my teacher. He would always say "There are no small parts, only small actors" and then he would wink at me and saunter down stage to give us direction. It always warmed my heart to be praised. Most of my other teachers thought I was a know-it-all little snit who could use and attitude adjustment, but not Narumi-sensei. He could never see fault with me even if I butchered my lines and stepped all over someone else's cue. He would always put his hands on my shoulders and guide me through the scene and tell me that I'm doing great. I think on some level he knew what was going on in my house, but he never said a word, he just smiled at me as if he were just waiting for me.

So I take a subtle deep breath and let reality melt away as the curtain goes up for my performance.

"Okay now that everyone is dressed up we're going to take some pictures for the album and open the presents. Then we have a game of croquet set up and a wonderful lunch ready."

So we begun going through the motions as eagerly as we could muster. Many of the girls were still confused as to why they were in animal ears, but went along with it.

The pictures were taken in front of a green screen that would later have a background digitally put in to depict scenes from the movie. Shizune and her ladies in waiting went first, then myself and my knights, then Hotaru and the white rabbit, and then Hotaru again at the Mad Hatter tea party, then Shizune, Hotaru and myself on the battlefield, then Hotaru slaying the dragon, and then me being crowned by Chesire cat with the Queen of hearts crown.

As the rest of us sat around chatting and drinking tea out of strangely designed cups that were not uniform down the table at all, Shizune talked with the photographer behind his computer as she described how she wanted the scenes to look. I heard one of the women say that her photographer is actually one of the people who worked on the Alice in Wonderland movie.

After she was done withe the photographer, we all followed her into an adjacent room that was decorated to look like a croquet field, complete with fake grass and everything. The mallets are bright pink like flamingoes and the balls are brown with spikes painted on them. The girls were getting into the spirit of thins and didn't even realize they were having their pictures taken. They just laughed and smiled and played the game (rather poorly I might add). When it wasn't Shizune's turn she sat on a red cushioned stool and fanned herself with a collapsible hand fan. She was really taking her part to heart.

When a mallet was giving to me I politely refused. Shizune raised an eyebrow at me and all the girls seem to get a little nervous.

"Why won't you play Mirana?" she asked me in a high and mighty voice.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled as innocently as I could, "How can you ask me to strike one creature with another Iracebeth? You know it is against my vows to hurt any living thing."

"Don't be ridiculous it is all in good fun."

"Iracebeth, you have my answer." I say sternly, but still managing to squeeze out a drop of sweetness with it.

Shizune simply smiles, but I 'm sure the other girls have all stopped breathing.

"Very well. I will concede to your vows sister dear."

I smile and bow my head and only then do the other girls chuckle nervously at our skit and resume their game.

After the Red Queen is declared victor we all return to the other room and gather our presents. We gather our chairs in a circle and gifts are given voluntarily. The first to step up is the white rabbit who hands over her gift eagerly.

Shizune hands her spectre to a handmaid and tears open the paper. The box is small and flat I thought it might have been a book.

A collective gasp fills the room.

Definitely not a book.

"It's brand new Himura tablet computer. They're not even officially on the market yet. This is the first one off the line. Serial number 00000000000001." The white rabbit says triumphantly.

The other girls crane their neck to get a better view as Shizune handles the box, glancing over the detail specifications and then she merely hands it off to the Ace of hearts.

"Thank you Asumi. As the daughter of one of the biggest electronics developer in the country I'm sure this wasn't easy to get."

The words, if written on paper, would've looked like high praise, but coming out of Shizune's mouth it was as if she hadn't been impressed in the slightest. Her lack of interest in her brand new stunning technology deterred the other girls from volunteering so as the sister of the groom, Hotaru went next.

Her box is smaller than Asumi's who is now sitting in a pout although she's trying to hide it.

Hotaru gives Shizune her box and looks as bored as ever as Shizune tears off the shiny lilac wrapping paper. It's a jewelery box and inside the most gorgeous necklace I've ever seen.

"Harry Winston lily cluster necklace. 4.87 carats cost me about 4 million yen."

I try not to choke on my drink at the price. All the other girls look at Hotaru in envy, but draw back their swords when a small smile graces Shizune's face.

"Thank you Hotaru it's lovely."

"I know you were having trouble at deciding what piece you wanted to wear at the wedding so I picked this one up for you. I figure it could be your 'something new'."

"You're absolutely right."

Shizune hands off the necklace and the rest of the gifts are passed in. I hold my breath hoping that no one notices I haven't volunteered my present yet. Unlike these girls I'm not the daughter of a company executive that can drop a pretty penny on a gift. My dad used to say that gifts from the heart are always the best, but obviously my dad has never been to one of these events. No one has topped Hotaru's 4 million, but several have come close. And with every passing box I'm getting more and more nervous.

"Mikan?" someone says.

I look up and all eyes are on me.

"We've saved the best for last." One girl says and all the other girls chuckle.

They knew there was no way in hell I was going to top any of their gifts so they all sat straight up and eagerly watched as I grabbed my box from under my chair and walked the several paces over to Shizune and handed it over. She didn't even wait for me to sit back down before tearing into the paper so I just stood in horror watching as she opened it.

"What is it?" someone asks not being able to see from behind me.

I step out of the circle so they can take a look.

"A picture frame?"

"An antique picture frame." I weakly defend.

"It's beautiful." Shizune said before anyone could start mocking me.

"What?" the white rabbit said.

"It's my something old." Shizune said.

"Yeah I found it in a really great store down town and I painted it with this really great paint that when the light hits it, it kind of sparkles. I even replaced the glass so that it's not so easy to break. I figure you could put your wedding picture in it." I ramble.

"How thoughtful Mikan. Thank you."

She even smiles at me and with that I can finally release the breath I was holding and go back to my seat. The rest of the party consist of eating delicious sea food, drinking wine, and even some karaoke and dancing. So much to Shizune's chagrin she ended having a bit of a bachelorette party in the end. Thank goodness a lot of the girls didn't drive here, but by the time the party starts to die down several girls have passed out in various spots: on tables, under tables, over couches. It was comical madness with Hotaru and I sitting in the center of it. With Shizune who tried to look more annoyed than she probably was, Hotaru who wouldn't stop eating, and myself who couldn't stop laughing.

* * *

><p>"Oi."<p>

I groan ad roll over. Some people are so rude.

"Oi."

I swat the probing finger away.

"Oi baka I can see your panties." A gruff voice says.

I sit straight up and try to take in my surroundings. Shizune's bridal party suite with half a dozen girls passed out everywhere. I'm sitting across several dining chairs with my make-up smeared on the seats and my dress tangled up around my waist and Natsume Hyuuga getting an eyeful of my underwear.

I leap out of the chairs knocking them over and yanking my skirt down, "You pervert! How long were you ogling me?"

"Long enough to know you're a horrible sleeper." He replies.

"Well let's see you try to sleep on a row of dining chairs." I defend trying to make my mane of hair look less like a typhoon blew through it.

"Let's go."

"Hm? Go where?" I ask finally getting myself in some kind of order.

"You can't go outside looking like that."

"Where's Hotaru?" I ask looking around.

"She left a while ago with Ruka."

"She left me here?"

"Yep."

Stupid Hotaru. How could she leave me here? And with Natsume no less.

"I thought you were in Tokyo." I say.

"Well I'm not anymore now am I? Let's go before your on slew of moronic questions kills my brain cells."

I grab my coat and purse from the closet as we pass out of the front door. We take the elevator up to his penthouse where there is a pile of my clothes waiting. Apparently Mr. Hot shot took a detour to my house where Misaki was making breakfast for Youichi. After telling Mr. Nosey where I was she gave him some clothes to bring me since apparently there was a bit of a frost last night and my tiny dress would surely give me another cold.

I go into the guest bathroom to change and my own reflection made me feel ill. My smeared make-up makes me look like a Picasso painting done by a drunk imitator. And this would be my appearance when I'm finally alone with Natsume.

Not that I _want_ to be alone with him. But of course if the universe puts us alone together I would look like this. I use their fancy hand soap to scrub until my face is completely makeup free and readjust my hair into a better version of the messy bun I tried to pull off when I first woke up.

I pull on my black jeans and opal sweater whose sleeves hang over my hands. I take a few breaths before leaving the bathroom. Natsume is standing by the window and doesn't turn or say anything while I put on my coat and stomp into my yellow pumps.

He turns away from the window and just looks at me as I stuff my dress into my purse.

"What?"

"Let's go."

* * *

><p>'Let's go' in Natsume-speak means 'Get into my car and I'm not telling you where we're going'. So after twenty minutes of non-stop asking, he finally jerks the car to a halt and I find myself standing outside of a coffee lounge. One of those dimly lit places that only serves coffee in giant mugs and has a tiny stage where amateur poets and singers can get up and try not to humiliate themselves in front of a small attentive audience.<p>

Inside is warm and smells like strong coffee bean. Natsume holds my hand as we make our way past a few people and into a booth in the corner.

"What are we doing here?" I ask unbuttoning my coat.

Instead of answering my question he orders two coffees from a passing waiter and turns his attention to the stage where a girl is sitting on a wooden stool with a guitar under her arm. Her dark brown hair is swept up in a black ribbon. Her makeup is a little too dark and she's wearing a black dress with army boots. She's in the middle of a beautiful song I've never heard before.

So we sit.

We sit and drink coffee out of giant mugs and listen to poetry and songs and don't talk at all.

I'll catch him looking at me and he'll return the favor, but we don't say a word.

Alone together? Check.

Intimate setting? Check.

Is this what it's like to date someone? Am I dating Natsume Hyuuga? I look at him over the rim of my mug and contemplate that question. Did I want the answer to be yes? He took off his leather jacket so his bare forearms are laying acrossone another on the tables surface. A silver and black watch dresses his left wrist a the faint trail of a tattoo pokes out from his right sleeve. He leaned his head forward and all his attention is to the stage. Disarrayed wisps of black hair covering his forehead.

I tear my attention away from him and back to the stage. Truth is I don't know what I want the answer to be because there's still a lot about Natsume I don't know and there's a textbook of things he doesn't know about me, but if he and I can stay like this even just for a little while. I'll carry this warm happiness with me all through winter.

After killing two hours sipping cappuccinos and bumping legs under the table (which happened to have escalated in a full blown kicking match) we left the coffee house only to find that it dropped several more degrees outside.

"Do you think it will snow?" I ask him looking up at the sky as we walk toward his car.

"Hn." Is his only reply.

I haven't deciphered if it's yes or no in Natsume-speak, but it doesn't really matter. Soon it will be spring, but I hope snow can fall before then. My grandpa used to say that snow brings the year luck and I need as much of that as possible.

"Are you getting in or what?"

I look down from the sky and at Natsume irritated face through the car window and just smile before getting in myself.

He takes the long way home and we both know it, but I don't say anything about it. The radio is down to a low hum and pass the same stop sign twice. He leaves his hand on the gear shift despite the car being an automatic.

"I'm cold." I say reaching for the heater button.

He swats my hand away, "Don't touch."

"Stop being a jerk." I scold reaching for the button again.

Instead of swatting me this time he holds mine hand. I try to use my other hand to break free, but unfortunately Natsume's one hand is bigger than both of mine so he is able to catch that one as well.

"Why are your hands so warm?" I ask forgetting my annoyance.

"Warm blooded." He says.

I roll my eyes, "More like hot headed and it radiates throughout your whole body."

He just smirks and says nothing and we sit there with both my hands in his getting warm from the contact and I forget all about the heater. Can he always be like this? Warm with good intentions?

Fires have good intentions I suppose. It provides warm and light, but when you get to close the results can be devastating. When I'm with Natsume it's like my whole body is on fire. Every nerve ending is on high alert, but all I feel is warmth even when he makes me mad.

What can I do?

What will I do?

Especially when it starts to burn…

* * *

><p><em>You're disappointed I know. It's short and took forever for me to update, but understand I had to break this chapter and the next chapter up I was going to just continue going, I really liked the title Burn and the next chapter has a different title that wouldn't really fit. On the up side I should be able to update it before the weeks end so don't hate me!<em>

_You guys are the only reason I eve still continue writing fanfics!_

_Lots of Love,_

_Chi-chan_


	18. Lost

_Okay so I said a week and it's been much longer than that._

_But here it is and I hope it was worth the wait!_

_Hey at least I got it done before the new year!_

_Happy 2013 everyone!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter 18: Lost<span>**

Bridal responsibilities are the last thing I ever thought I would add to the laundry list o f things I always have to do. I mean going to a party and opening presents is one thing, but to have to wake up at three in the morning because of some unknown pre-wedding crisis? No way.

I almost slip back into unconsciousness after Hotaru's initial wake up call, but of course that little witch knows me better than that and calls me back at five minute intervals to make sure I am doing my morning routine in a quick fashion and will get my tail to the venue ASAP. I want to cry because I'm so tired, but I suppose it could be worse.

Bridesmaids typically have to stuff invitations, make centerpieces, and deal directly with a crazy bridezilla, but fortunately for myself and the rest of the bridal party our bridezilla is a queen of organization, schedules, and knowing who to call so the only finger she has to lift is the one that manipulates the dial pad. I dig my dress out of the back of my closet where I store it for safe keeping and grab my keys. Youichi is sound asleep in bed as I jump into a pair of jeans and my sweatshirt. I wrap him in his thick blanket and manage to carry him, my dress, and my purse out of my apartment and down the stairs to Tsubasa's. I only have to thump on the door once because Hotaru has harassed Misaki into waking up so she can take Youichi for the morning.

"I'm so sorry." I say sheepishly managing to bow deeply with a small child in my arms.

"Don't worry about it." She says cupping her mouth for a yawn.

I hand her Youichi in a swaddled bundle and peck his forehead. I managed to squeeze her and Tsubasa on the guest list for the wedding by reasoning with Hotaru that I couldn't possibly do my bridal party duties if I didn't have anyone to watch my brother. She asked me why couldn't Natsume and Ruka just watch him and I know she could hear my eyes roll over the phone.

The devil's silver Mercedes is parked out front when I stumble out into the cold.

"I hate you." I mutter slamming her door shut behind me.

To which she responds by handing me a cup of piping hot coffee and turning up the heater.

I take a big sip and feel a hundred times less tired, "I take it back."

She just pulls off the curb.

We drive in silence with only the dull hum of the radio and my coffee sips filling the void.

"I should tell you that your social worker is a weasel." She says suddenly.

I shake my head a little assuming I had imagined her words out of exhaustion, "What?"

"A dirty little snake. I don't like being at the tail end of blackmail, but it seems that my friendship with you is bringing on a wave of new experiences."

"What are you talking about?" I repeat more clearly.

"I received a call late last night from your social worker. He asked me some runabout questions about you to which I responded curtly. In retribution for my curtness, he practically demanded that I place him on the guest list to the wedding so that he may 'observe you in a public setting'."

And then she snorted.

Hotaru Imai actually snorted out of anger.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea-"

"That's the whole point. You're not supposed to know, but if that moron thinks for one moment I'm going to let either of you embarrass me he's got another thing coming."

With that, she steps on the gas and weaves through the morning traffic with excellent precision. Hotaru pulls into the parking lot of the **_Venetian Palace_**, where the reception of the century is supposed to take place. Hotaru's parents rented the massive ballroom as a pre-wedding present for the couple. I stumble in behind Hotaru until we get to the ballroom where Shizune is standing in front of her other prim and proper looking bridesmaids. I look around as Hotaru and I take our seats and notice that everyone aside from me looks like they are fully rested and on their way to brunch while I, on the other hand, look like I just left the gym. I decide that I'm too tired to care and slurp down more of my coffee.

"The guest list has expanded out of proportion so I need a more hands-on approach for the seating arrangement. My wedding is in one week and I will not have this room looking overcrowded and chaotic. Names will be cut, feelings will be hurt, and at this point I could not care less."

She starts handing out clipboards, "At the top of the first page is the name of your section and the tables included in it. Under that is a map with the tables and number of seats drawn out and below that is a list of names. Make them fit. Cut off low priority media, we'll send them a fruit basket, cut distant relatives and low level business partners. Do not disappoint me ladies."

We disperse to our sections and start on our tasks. Hotaru slashes off names without having to leave her seat. I read through the list which fortunately has a subtitle for each person in parentheses whether they are media or distant relatives.

There are mostly media persons in my section. Why would you want so many media outlets at your reception? Receptions are supposed to be fun aren't they?

"Mikan? Something wrong?" Shizune asks coming up behind me.

I shake my head and smile, "Not at all. I guess I just don't know where to start. You have so many media guests."

"It was Mizuki's idea. She thinks the coverage will be good for us."

"But aren't most media people out for a juicy story? A catfight in the bathroom or someone falling into the cake?"

"I think you've watched too many dramas." She says scribbling down on her own clip board.

"I just don't think anyone is going to relax with an entire press conference sitting back here. Receptions should be fun."

"And what would you suggest?" she asks raising an eyebrow at me.

"Well if you cut out all the press that would save you space, give the other tables better visibility-"

"Less mouths to feed." Hotaru chimes in handing Shizune her clipboard.

"And no one to interfere with your photographers shots with their excessive flashing."

"Excluding the press will just invite wedding crashers and scandal."

"Well this is an Imai event so just beef up security and appease them somehow. Fruit baskets?"

With that, Shizune just walks away to inspect the other bridesmaids' progress.

"She knows you're right, but my mother is a hard woman to say no to." Hotaru says taking my clipboard. She slashes names off the list left and right and hands it back to me and walks off.

The rest of the morning is spent waiting for Shizune to finish deliberating with the broad-shouldered men in charge of moving her tables around. Afterwards we follow her to a much smaller reception room where we are served a breakfast feast. I find myself thankful for my best friend and her massive appetite as we both sit there devouring everything in sight, at a dignified pace of course. The other bridesmaids spend the majority of the meal picking at egg whites.

They're so busy picking and chatting, they don't even notice Hotaru and I eat an entire plate of bacon while making glances at each other as if we are stealing it from them.

Shizune passes out our wedding day schedules which are peach colored and laminated.

"I'm sure you all can read, so reading this aloud will be redundant, but bear in mind that if any of you are late you will be cut from the wedding party without fail. Try to be a half an hour early to all scheduled events."

Looking at Shizune's list as we all file out of the reception hall, I realize I'm about feel the full force of what it means to be a bridesmaid in one of the most anticipated weddings of the year.

Yikes.

* * *

><p>The funny thing about counting down to something is that it can be both exciting and terrifying like the countdown to the new year or the countdown on a bomb. Counting down to the Imai wedding was like counting down to a bomb going off. Watching the weeks and days and then hours get smaller and smaller I felt like I was going to hurl at several instances, but somehow I managed to keep it together.<p>

With Natsume still hanging around and no one really noticing the two of us are disappearing from time to time. Going to the coffee shop or even just taking the long way to my apartment after working at the bar. We're in this weird in-between place where we don't address the couple-like behavior that we engage in.

Asking about it seems like it would break whatever spell we're under, the spell that makes this weird behavior okay as long as it's not acknowledged. Anna teased me about who my date to the wedding was going to be. I laughed it off with Luna in eavesdropping distance and said I didn't have anything like that.

It's not like we're really dating anyway.

And now it's six a.m. on a Saturday morning and instead of getting ready for work I'm sitting in Rini's Salon with my fellow bridesmaids getting the royal pedicure and manicure set with green gunk smothering our faces. Shizune is in the back room getting an oil massage that will make her skin look soft, flawless and have that wedding day glow that all brides are supposed to acquire.

We all have to have matching peach nails with glitter at the tips. Our makeup will be done in a similar fashion with shades of peach and orange eye shadow blended together. Our lipstick will be pink to match Shizune's peonies bouquets.

After being scrubbed, filed, and painted, we are plucked and coated with foundation and bronzer. Then the daunting task of sitting absolutely still as we get our hair styled, which is no small feat considering first is the wash and dry, then the blow out for volume, flat iron for sleekness, and then a curling iron to create the ringlet affect. Then said ringlets have to be pinned up on both sides of our heads and the look is topped off with a silk pink ribbon.

While Shizune is left behind to get her own make-up done after her massage, the rest of us are ushered through the side entrance of the building and into a black SUV. There are tons of tabloid reporters trying to sneak pictures of the pre-wedding preparations so everything we do is kept secret. We all had our phones confiscated and are being ushered around by security detail dressed as civilians to be a little more inconspicuous.

Yeah, beefy guys in sunglasses standing outside a beauty salon is the epitome of incognito.

Because of the staggering amounts of media wanting to cover the event, the wedding couldn't be held outside or in a place that had too many entrances or low windows with high visibility. The church is perfect with stained windows and only one entrance protected by security. There's even a bag check for cameras and recording equipment. The guys are invasively thorough.

We manage to make it to the church and through bag check fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. The small room reserved for bible study has been converted into a dressing room where we get the finishing touches of our makeup done. I'm slipping into my dress when Shizune is ushered in with a giant dress bag in tow by one of the security guys. Hotaru yanks up my zipper and fashions my bow in time for all of us bare foot bridesmaids to help Shizune into her dress. After the dress is fashioned and the ribbons at the back pulled and tied, all bridesmaids are ordered into our heels and then the photographer is let in to take the pre-wedding photographs.

"Where are my shoes?" Shizune asks while fixing her veil.

I pick up the periwinkle, diamond studded shoes and bring them over to her.

"Mikan I can't see anything down there." Shizune says swatting at a bridesmaid for touching her veil.

"I got it." I say before mindlessly crawling under Shizune's wedding gown.

Her feet are small and dainty. I tap her left foot with my finger and she lifts it so I can slip on the shoe. I do the same with the right and crawl out from under her to find everyone staring at me.

"What?" I ask getting up.

"You messed up your hair stupid." Hotaru says before anyone can stop staring at me with their mouth agape and fixes my curls.

"Oh sorry." I say adjusting my ribbon.

"You're such a funny girl." Shizune says looking at me for a moment, "Thank you."

"No problem." I say dusting my knees.

The other girls went back to tending to their dresses and faces to make sure they looked perfect with the photographer still snapping away. Hotaru fastened her bridal party gift around Shizune's neck and adjusted her veil. The wedding is scheduled to start at noon and with the expert and careful planning of Shizune and the heart-stopping fear the mere utterance of the Imai name gives to all parties hired for the event, no one dare make a mistake.

The flowers have been reviewed a dozen times. The decorations have been photographed from all angles and sent to the bride a dozen times to ensure perfection. The caterer has ordered fresh ingredients from all parts of Japan to ensure quality and freshness at the reception. The cake has been baked, scraped, and remade at least three times due to frosting design error. The arrangements at the reception hall were only finalized five minutes before Shizune's hair appointment, so it goes without saying that everyone is holding their breath and treading very lightly.

Subaru fired the entire wait staff for wearing the wrong aprons only to have his mother hire them all back without his knowledge, which, according to Hotaru, made home life really tense.

When is it not?

"Just a couple more hours and we both will have lived through this." I tell her as I fix her ribbon.

She just huffs in response and picks up her bouquet. It's time to start lining up. My heart is playing pinball in my ribcage making breathing impossible.

The guests are still being seated as we all stand there like cattle getting ready to be herded down the field. My feet already hurt and my palms are beginning to sweat. You'd think I was the one getting married. I close my eyes and steady my breathing. All the hard stuff is over; all I have to do now is make it down the aisle without falling on my face. Stand at the altar throughout the ceremony smiling like it's the happiest day of my life; walk back up the aisle again without embarrassing myself and take some post-wedding pictures and then it's over. I take another breath.

Now smile.

* * *

><p>Walking down the aisle was the easy part. Pretend to be walking in semi-slow motion and smile while looking straight ahead, take your place at the altar with your bouquet slightly raised and keep smiling for the photographers and videographer while looking up the aisle for the rest of the bridesmaids to join you.<p>

There is a gasp as the music changes and Shizune and her father are standing at the doors. She looks so overwhelmingly beautiful in her white gown. I can see Hotaru's mother squeezing her husband's hand and crying.

Weddings always seem a lot faster on television. Probably because they cut out all the boring parts and play music all throughout the ceremony. As the priest continued to speak I focused on smiling and looking like this wedding is the best thing I'll ever be a part of in my whole life. I can see Youichi perched on Misaki's lap with Tsubasa sitting beside them looking like he really wanted a cigarette. Anna, Nonoko, Nobara, and Hoshino were a few rows back while Sumire, Luna and Gretchen managed to snag second row seats. I can feel the intense glares coming from them when they realized a poor waitress like me got to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of the century. The heat from their hate beams made the rest of the ceremony fly by and kept my smile glued to my face.

Natsume is also in the wedding party with Ruka, but we aren't paired up to walk down the aisle together. I silently thank the cosmos for this because walking down the aisle with him would have been impossible. I got paired with one of Subaru's colleagues from the hospital who wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but by no means hideous and by the grin on his face he wasn't disappointed with me by a long shot.

The post-wedding pictures were actually a lot of fun to take because the photographer wanted everyone to loosen up so he made the bridesmaids take off their shoes and run around in the grass and made the guys carry us around on their backs. Natsume and I made eye contact on several occasions and I can only smile at him when we do. I get a familiar fluttering in my stomach when he looks at me and smirks; like we have our own secret language that is completely no verbal, just looks and smiles and smirks.

It's brisk outside with a chilly breeze, but with all the running around and everyone focusing on looking good for the pictures, no one really noticed. There are two rather large limousines waiting to take us all to the reception venue. The bride and groom get their own private limo and the rest of the bridal party loads up into the back of the second. Coincidentally Natsume and I sit across from each other in the limo and play our little game of quick glances. Of course the other bridesmaids are thrilled that Natsume and Ruka are in the bridal party, but with Ruka's arm draped over Hotaru's shoulders, they dare not say anything that can be construed as flirting.

As a matter of fact, they best not say anything to either of them at all.

The girl's busy themselves talking to the other males in the limo while simultaneously trying to get Natsume's attention, but when he's not glancing at me he's staring out of the tinted window with a look of disinterest on his face. I want to ask him what he's thinking about, but talking to Natsume with this many people around to analyze our every move doesn't sound like a good idea at all.

* * *

><p>After the presentation of the new Mr. and Mrs. Subaru Imai, the food is distributed on the most beautiful china I have ever seen. My gut instinct is to check on Youichi and make sure that his food is cut the way he likes and no one puts wasabi anywhere near his plate, but sticking to my bridal duties I must sit at the bridal table and eat as dignified as possible while the photographer continues to snap pictures.<p>

The toasts soon follow and Mizuki gives a very tearful speech about love, devotion, and sacrifice. Her husband gives several pointers on how to deal with an angry wife that actually gets people chuckling. Several friends and close relatives make short remarks of mostly "Good luck" and "Congratulations" to the beautiful couple.

I feel someone nudge me and turn to see Hotaru looking at me.

"Say something." She whispers.

I shake my head vigorously, "No way."

"The debt you owe me for your social worker's invitation will be alleviated if you stand and say something nice. That way I don't have to."

I seal my lips together in defiance, but another sharp point in my ribs sends me flying out of my chair and then all eyes are on me.

"Um… Hi, my name is Mikan Sakura and I'm a bridesmaid.

Pause.

"But you probably know that seeing as there are six of us wearing the same dress."

Chuckling.

I smile and clutch my champagne glass, "I haven't known the Imai's very long, but they are a very interesting family almost like royalty. It's to be expected that an Imai wedding would be nothing less than amazing. But it's not about the wedding or the guests or the gifts, it's about love."

Cue awkward eye contact with Natsume.

"It's about being with a person who understands you and makes you want to be a better version of yourself. They make you want to smile more and do things you'd never thought you'd do. Maybe even do something that terrifies you because that's how much you love them. You don't want anything to get in the way of that love because when we die we leave all our possessions, but we carry with us the love of others. Being in love isn't having a grin plastered on your face all the time. You can get mad, you can cry, you can scream, but just remember this moment. Take it with you and never forget that to love and be loved is the greatest thing in the world."

There is a pause while I wait for someone else to stand and speak, but no one seems to want to follow my act.

Behind me Hotaru stands up and raises her glass, "To the bride and groom."

Glasses clink and for the first time since being ejected from my chair, I take a deep long breath.

"Nicely done." Hotaru says sitting back down in her chair as chatter fills the room.

"I will bask in your praise after I'm done being furious with you." I huff.

But my anger dissipates with the arrival of large slices of red velvet cake. The dances soon follow starting with the first dance of bride and groom then the bride and her father where some other fathers and daughters join in.

It wasn't until that moment that I realize that I will never have a father-daughter dance at my wedding or anyone else's for that matter. I get a familiar pit in my stomach coupled with a pang in my heart. I never stop to think about the things I'll miss out on with my dad because the lists can literally go on forever and I'll just end up an emotional crying wreck.

Besides who the heck would I end up marrying in my current predicament?

I realize that now that dancing has started I can finally sneak away and look for Youichi. I've seen him only twice today and I can't help but miss him. The music changes and people are dancing and mingling amongst themselves as I try to navigate through the crowd. Before I can make it too far Saoto, the social worker from the underworld, stops me dead in my tracks. His glasses look extra shiny and his tuxedo looks brand new.

"Mr. Saoto." I say more out of surprise than as an actual greeting.

"Miss Sakura, what a touching speech you gave and thank you very much for the invitation. I have yet to see Youichi anywhere though."

"He's here somewhere." I say in a very blasé manner so he doesn't sense my panic.

What must he think about me abandoning my brother to play dress up in a fancy wedding? I can only pray that him being here has gotten me some form of brownie points.

"In fact I am going to go see him right now." I declare.

"I'll be watching you Ms. Sakura." He says before stalking off into the crowd.

I hasten my pace and try to locate Misaki and Tsubasa. I catch a glimpse of them standing by the bar talking to a guy in a suit, but no Youichi in sight.

"Where's Youichi?" I ask loudly not caring that I am rudely interrupting their conversation.

"He had to go to the bathroom." Misaki says blinking at me.

"You let him go alone?!" I shriek and take off for the doors before they can stop me.

The bathroom is down the hall from the reception hall, but Youichi could easily get lost or taken by some stranger. How can Misaki and Tsubasa do that? I know there are a lot important people here, but do you seriously get so star struck that you completely forget your responsibilities. I'm so mad I can practically feel steam erupting from my ears. I bang frantically on the door.

"You-chan? Are you in there? Youichi?" I bang louder.

My heart is pounding in my ears and full blown panic mode has set in, but before I could burst into the bathroom and overturn every urinal, a familiar voice seeps through my maddening thoughts.

"What are you doing?" it asks.

I spin around and see Natsume standing a few feet away with one hand buried in his pocket and the other hand holding Youichi's. Anger and relief swell inside of me like lava ready to erupt.

"Where have you been?!" I practically scream although I don't know who I'm more mad at in this moment.

I take hold of Youichi's shoulders and kneel down till we're eye level, "Don't you ever disappear like that again! You scared me half to death!"

I straighten myself up and turn my anger towards Natsume, "And you?! What the hell do you think you're doing?! You just walk out of there with him like it's no big deal?! Without even telling me?!"

"Calm down." Is all he says.

"Don't! Tell me to calm down, okay?! He is my brother, my responsibility and if anything had happened to him I would have-"

"I'm sorry." Youichi says breaking me out of my mental motor mouth tirade.

He wraps his little arms around my bare legs and squeezes, "I'm really, really sorry nee-san. I won't do it again."

Rage and relief turn to regret and sadness as I hug his little tiny body to me and sigh, "It's okay. You just really scared me. Don't go where I can't see you."

"Mikan!" I hear Misaki calling.

"It's okay I found him." I tell her as she comes over out of breath.

"I was trying to tell you that Natsume offered to take You-chan to the bathroom. I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I didn't really give you time to explain."

"I'll take You-chan inside." She says looking from me to Natsume then back to me.

"I'll be right there." I say as Youichi takes her hand and follows her back into the reception hall.

I turn back to Natsume with 'I'm sorry' carved into my expression, but he looks really pissed off.

"I'm sor-" I begin.

"Why did you yell at him like that? He just had to go to the bathroom. He didn't do anything wrong." He said trying to control his volume.

"I know. I just overreacted." I reply sheepishly.

"Overreacted? You're freaking insane."

"Look, I said I was sorry and I meant it. Youichi and I being separated is my worst nightmare if anything happens to him I couldn't go on living."

"He was with me." He snapped.

"I didn't know maybe you should have told me before you ran off with him!" I shouted.

Silence.

A couple of people wander out into the hall to take calls on their cell phones. Natsume grabs my hand and tugs me to the emergency stairwell.

I take a deep breath, "Natsume I am sorry. If I had known he was with you I wouldn't have acted like that. You know I trust you with him."

Another moment of tense silence between us, then his face softens.

He runs his hand over my cheek and pushes my hair back over my shoulder, "Don't be so jumpy all the time idiot."

"I can't help it." I say breathlessly as he leans in to me.

His lips press to mine for a sweet and tender moment, but I find myself not wanting to be sweet or tender. I grab the front of his tuxedo and tug him closer to me. His arms wind around my waist smooth as velvet rope and before I can change my mind, our open mouth kisses chases away any glimmer of resistance. Laughter coming from the reception hall forces us inches apart. His breath tastes like cinnamon on my lips. He trails his thumb across my bottom lip and places a peck there before reluctantly descending the stairs.

I want to ask him where he's going, but I keep my tingling lips closed. I always thought kissing was a particularly disturbing exchange. 'Swapping saliva' with another person just gives a bad mental image, but with Natsume it's sweet and smoldering. The type of kissing one reads about in books and dreams of every night alone in bed.

I take a few seconds to collect myself before returning to the hall where Youichi is waiting for me. In acknowledgement of my guilty conscience, I allow him to eat several slices of cake and revert to my typical over-attentive self.

Most bridesmaids' responsibilities spill over into the reception like helping the bride use the bathroom or perhaps cleaning up after the festivities. In the life of the rich and glamorous, the reception is a one hundred percent party zone. No getting trashed and dancing on tables, but there is a relaxed air even with the cameras flashing.

The rest of the night is filled with dancing and drinking. I twirl around with Youichi in my arms completely forgetting about Mr. Saoto who seems to have completely forgotten about us as he chats quite familiarly with one of the other bridesmaids. I don't see Natsume for most of the night and he only makes an appearance when it's almost time for the bride and groom farewell. When gift bags and centerpieces are all distributed, the bride and groom race through a cloud of white confetti and are loaded into the back of a Rolls Royce. Shizune actually smiles from the back window as she and her new husband are driven away. The rest of the bridal party and guests are left to wait for the valets to bring their cars around.

"Is Natsume taking you home?" someone asks.

I turn to see Hotaru wearing Ruka's tuxedo coat over her shimmering dress looking blankly at me as I help Youichi into his coat.

"I thought I'd just take a cab." I reply simply.

"Are you worried about _them_?" She asks gesturing to the flock of Natsume admirers as they stand around watching him and Ruka like they're prime cuts of beef.

I shrug my shoulders and smile, "I think I've had enough excitement for one day."

"I'll call a car for you." She says placing her hand on my shoulder for a brief moment.

I smile, "Thanks Hotaru."

Ten minutes later Youichi is fast asleep in my lap as we ride home in the back of one of the Imai town cars. I've survived one of the craziest days I'll ever have in this new life of mine; a bridesmaid in a huge wedding that had every magazine wrestling for a seat in the back pew. I slip my shoes off and scrunch my toes tightly. It's a miracle that I've managed to not leave a trail of blood in my wake. Youichi shifts in his sleep and resettles against my stomach. I find myself drifting off into the space in-between sleeping and waking; my mind fuzzy with the weight of the day's events and my lips still feeling that familiar spark.

I guess I can longer deny the fact that I trust Natsume and maybe this flame that is consuming me isn't just external. There's a spark that he ignites when he's near me. Touching me, kissing me, even arguing with me, there is a part of me that feels so much more _alive_.

Maybe this pang of desire is more than just the surface.

* * *

><p>A few days after the wedding, I had another important day to mentally prepare for.<p>

Youichi's sixth birthday

If you think running away from home and starting a new life with a child depending on you is tough, then you probably have never planned a birthday for that child.

I mean how on earth are you supposed to plan a party for someone who hates parties, people, and surprises? In a frustrated huff I throw my pencil across the room.

"Oi, that's my pencil." Natsume says picking up the pencil.

"Sorry." I mutter taking down my ponytail.

He accepts my apology by thumping the pencil on my head. Study sessions in the Hyuuga penthouse while Youichi and Aoi watch television has become a regular occurrence on the weekends. Aoi orders room service and hauls Youichi off to the game room and Natsume forces me into hours and hours of studying. And by studying I mean he listens to music while lying in bed and I sit at the desk with a mountain of books in front of me and try not to pass out. Then he'll come over and lean over me closely, moving my hand across the pages trying to explain something I did wrong or don't understand.

Drowning in his scent, melting from his body heat

Yeah, an ideal environment for studying

I run my fingers through my hair and sigh.

"What are you thinking so hard about? Can't be math." He says resting against the desk.

"It's Youichi's birthday. It's in a few days and I want to throw him a party, but I know he'll hate it."

"So don't throw him a party."

"But everyone deserves a party on their birthday."

"But he doesn't want a party."

"Oh, he doesn't know what he wants. He's five." I grumble crossing my arms over my chest like I'm the one who's five.

Natsume takes my wrist and unfolds my arms, "Don't throw him a party."

"But I can't just do nothing."

"Well, what do you normally do on his birthday?"

I think back to Youichi's last three birthdays. I'd bake little cupcakes after Persona and Yuka lock themselves away in the bedroom. Putting frosting on cupcakes in the dark is not easy mind you. I'd creep back upstairs in the dark and place the tray on the floor and stick little candles in each cupcake, light them with a single match and go back to my room. From the crack in the door, I can see him creep out into the hall and blow out his candles and take his cupcakes into his room. I always wondered what he'd wish for. He'd never say thank you or acknowledge me in anyway before or afterwards, but I'd always find the empty baking tray in the hall the next morning.

"Just cake." I respond.

"No presents?" He asks.

"I never know what to get him. So I just bake for him."

"Well maybe you should take him somewhere." He suggests intertwining our fingers.

"He's not really a zoo or aquarium kind of kid." I pout.

"I didn't say take him somewhere lame. Take him somewhere he'd like to go."

I sigh in defeat and rest my head on the table. I can feel Natsume tugging at my hands, but I'm honestly too depressed to pay my not-boyfriend any attention right now.

Somewhere he'll like?

"Don't think so hard." Natsume says finally succeeding in putting me upright.

"You'll hurt your brain."

Before I can retort, he pecks me on the lips and smirks.

"I have an idea."

But he wouldn't tell me what this idea was. Even after several hours of studying, even after lunch with Aoi and Youichi, even after my constant begging which he just used as an invitation to kiss me, he still wouldn't tell me. He does that a lot now by the way, ever since our impromptu make out session at the Imai wedding. That's what happens when you don't scream bloody murder when a guy kisses you. He thinks he can just do it all the time.

Despite all the kissing and displays of affection, he's still very careful about it: making sure no one sees, making certain that we're alone before he tries anything. It's enough to get my blood boiling, but his kisses quell my mounting anger. I become this spineless noodle that can't hold an argument when he gets that look in his eye right before he kisses me.

A playful smirk on his face, a mischievous glint in his eye and then he'll look me right in the eyes, glance at my lips and then back to my eyes. Then he leans in and teases me by only coming so close and forcing me to close the gap. 'Insurance' he called it when I finally felt brave enough to ask. His way of making sure I want to be kissed as much as he wants to kiss me.

I hate him.

The day of Youichi's birthday I still hadn't come up with anything so I settled for doing what I always do. I cook him his favorite breakfast giving him extra strips of bacon.

"So You-chan what do you want to do for your birthday? We could go to the park. The weather man said it would be warm today."

Youichi shovels more scrambled egg into his mouth and shakes his head, "Natsume-nii said he has a surprise."

I roll my eyes, "Do you have to ca`ll him that?"

"He said to not let you take me anywhere lame. He'll be here soon. He promised."

I chug some orange juice and try to look as sour as I feel. Natsume would not let me know what Youichi's birthday surprise is going to be so I have no idea how I'm going to top it. I can't let Natsume and his countless riches give my brother a better birthday than I can. But since I have no idea what the surprise is, a feeling of hopelessness has descended on me.

Not to mention some bitterness towards the object of my not-affection.

After breakfast Youichi plops himself on the couch and I start on the dishes. As I'm drying the last plate, the intercom buzzes. Thinking it's Natsume I drag my feet to the door, but it turns out to be a delivery guy. I buzz him in and sign for the large box he hands me when he finally makes it up to our floor. Youichi is at my side as I bring the box into the kitchen to open it. Inside is a letter addressed to me:

_Baka,_

_Just put it on. I'm sending a car to pick you up._

_-N_

I toss the letter on the counter and shift through the contents of the box.

"You have got to be kidding me."

And for a moment, Youichi looks slightly amused.

* * *

><p>We arrive at our surprise destination in our designated attire and the bitterness I felt earlier turns to full-blown resentment.<p>

_Anime Convention_

A whole legion of people dressed up in costumes from their favorite animes and mangas, gathering together to revel in their bravery.

When I went through the contents of the box and discovered a small red coat for Youichi I initially thought that the box was too big for just one coat. Upon closer inspection the box contained two complete outfits for Youichi and me, including wigs. Youichi was all too eager to lock himself in the bathroom and put on his new outfit. I was not as enthusiastic.

You wouldn't be either if your outfit included a black bra top.

But the words from Natsume's note are burned into my brain.

_Just put it on._

As if he knew I would be resentful.

Bastard

But after seeing some traces of excitement in Youichi's face, how could I possibly refuse?

So here I am. Standing outside of the Nagoya Convention center wearing a black bra top and purple mechanics overalls tied off at my waist, a red bandana on top of a blonde wig and brown gloves on my hands.

A perfect Winry Rockbell if I do say so myself.

Youichi steps out of the car behind me, a perfect replica Edward Elric down to the blonde wig, white glove, and auto-mail arm. He even made sure to grab his pocket watch from under his pillow before we left. Why he keeps it there I'm not sure.

Luckily most of the guys attending this event are more interested in their own costume authenticity than ogling girls. In the middle of the countless school girls, sailor scouts, and half demons, there is a person dressed in a full suit of armor holding onto the hand of a little old lady. The old lady holds a pipe in her free hand and uses it to wave when she spots us. She drags the hunk of metal over to us and it's only when I hear her voice I realize that it's Aoi.

"Aoi?" I give the girl a once over.

Her make-up is astounding making her look like a real old woman. I look up at the hunk of metal and knock on the helmet.

"Oi." It says irately.

I laugh, "Natsume? This is your best look yet."

"Shut up stupid girl." His muffled voice says.

But he knows he can't best me today. Not in that costume.

Several hours of walking around the complex, waiting in line for autographs, and playing games to win prizes, I am exhausted. My feet are killing me and I have a ton of prizes to carry, but Youichi is actually having fun with Aoi, so I really can't complain. Right now they're taking pictures with a couple of school girls who think they are absolutely adorable.

"Hey there Winry. I got some auto-mail that could use a tune up." An older gentleman says suggestively.

Before I can offer a witty retort, my knight in shining armor (literally) comes over and gives the man a not gentle shove toward the crowd. There would have been an altercation had the man not landed among a group of girls dressed as Lolita princesses.

"Thank you Natsume. Not just for the sleeze-ball, but for today. Youichi is having a really great time."

He doesn't say anything.

"Why are you wearing that anyway?" I ask, "You could've been a solider or something instead of wearing this heavy suit."

Again, nothing.

"Cat got your tongue?" I ask.

Silence still.

"Okay, what is your problem?" I reach for his helmet and he jerks away.

Of course this only invites me to really try and get the helmet off. In a desperate attempt to stop me he actually shoves me into a passerby.

"Oi. Aki-san. I said 'low profile'." The person says.

I look up, "Wha-? Natsume? What the hell?"

The person in the suit removes his helmet to reveal a dark haired boy I've never seen before, "Sorry Natsume-sama."

In shock I find myself speechless as Natsume pays and then dismisses the boy.

"What?" he says finally.

"What do you mean 'what?'?!" I practically scream, "That wasn't you? This entire time?"

"Obviously," is his response.

I shake my head in disbelief, "You are impossible."

I turn away from him to go collect Youichi and Aoi, but he grabs my hand. I jerk away from him, "No. Not this time."

After gathering the kids from their little photo shoot, Youichi wins a little trophy for his costume. Natsume tries to hold my hand several times, but all it takes is for me to see him not wearing that metal suit to make me mad all over again. I plaster on a smile in front of the kids, but he knows that underneath my pearly white pleasantries is a scowl that can turn graves over. The kids just think that Natsume has changed out of his costume and they don't even realize how pissy I'm being about it.

With the convention wrapping up for the day, we decide to go grab a late lunch/early dinner before heading home. Youichi decides that he wants pizza of all things and we walk a few blocks to a pizzeria down the street.

"Are you done being mad yet?" Natsume asks me as I'm standing at the counter.

"With you? Never." I reply.

"Just-"

I hold up my hand, "No. You know what? I'm glad this happened. Shows your true colors I think, that you're really not all there. If you didn't want to go, you shouldn't have gone through all that trouble."

"I thought that Youichi would enjoy it."

"Well he did. Too bad you weren't around to see it. Does it bother you at all that I spent an entire day with a guy calling him 'Natsume'?"

I pick up our pizza from the counter and bring it back to the table. Aoi can barely contain herself, bouncing up and down as I distribute the slices.

As is typically the case where Natsume is concerned, I really have no clue what I'm really angry at. Because he wasn't there and I thought he was? Because I feel like he lied to me? Or is it simply because what I thought was a beautiful gesture just turned out to be some guy Natsume paid off to be his stand in? Or maybe it's because I feel like Natsume's only interested in the more high risk functions of our relationship: kissing in stairwells and sneaking off. Maybe the prospect of spending an entire day with me when there is zero chance there will be any sneaky couple behavior holds no value for him so he just decides to not be here.

Maybe I've allowed myself to just become another conquest: a difficult one, an entertaining one, but a conquest all the same.

The realization makes my eyes sting, but I'm not going to let some jerk make me ruin Youichi's special day.

By the time we arrive back at my apartment, I am more than ready to slam the car door and never see Natsume Hyuuga ever again, but if such things in life were made easy I'd suffer a lot less. Unfortunately both Natsume and Aoi have no intention of going home just yet and follow us all the way up to our apartment. I shoot Natsume some dirty looks, but keep my mouth shut to keep from hurting Aoi's feelings.

As soon as I unlock the door, Aoi darts to the light switch and floods the room in dim fluorescent light, but on the coffee table I see a stack of presents wrapped in brightly colored paper.

"Wha-," I begin.

"They're for you You-chan!" Aoi announces taking his hand and dragging him over to the boxes.

I turn to Natsume, "What is all this?"

He just shrugs in response.

"Here's one from Hotaru-nee, Ruka-chan, and everyone." Aoi explains unstacking the boxes.

It's like a Youichi Christmas in our apartment. With help from Aoi, the terrible twosome tears through his gifts: a handheld game console from Hotaru, a new pair of soccer cleats and shin guards from Ruka, strawberry cheesecake from Anna, a chemistry set from Nonoko, a picture frame from Aoi where she puts our photo from the convention.

"Mikan-nee, can we have some of this cake?"

"Of course you can Aoi." I say taking the cake tray from her.

I take my time slicing the cake making sure to preserve the strawberry slices Anna expertly placed right along the edge of the cake. My cupcakes are hidden in the oven and that's where they'll stay. After a day like today, I don't want to remind him of the past. Plus Anna's cake will definitely taste one hundred times better.

I give the kids their cake slices and go into my bedroom to get my clothes ready so I can take a shower. Natsume rests against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest and I know I owe him an apology, but I'm still miffed about the whole substitute thing.

"Are you done being mad now? It's getting old."

"Well sorry that my feelings grow tiresome." I mutter in response.

"I couldn't be in two places at once."

"So you just send someone to stand in for you? And you don't even tell me?"

"Maybe I should be mad. That you were too dumb to realize that it wasn't me." He smirks.

Instinctively, I just want to insult him and storm into the bathroom and slam the door, but I've found a more effective way to get a rise out of Natsume.

I shrug my shoulders and sigh, "You're right. I guess I should've realized it wasn't you. He was so quiet and generous. He held my hand so sweetly and won me so many stuffed animals."

The smirk is gone now.

"What was his name again? Aki? So cute too. You wouldn't happen to have his number by chance would you?"

I think I successfully struck a nerve.

He leans off the door frame and steps into the room, "Say that again?"

"Which part? The hand holding part or the give me his number part?" I ask innocently squeezing one of my new stuffed animals.

He tears the animal from my grasp and tosses it across the room. I can't help but laugh.

"This is funny to you?"

I laugh harder, "You're totally jealous!"

"Jealous? Yeah right." He says grabbing my blonde tresses.

"You are so jealous that I spent the day with a guy calling him Natsume. I guess you could call it our first date. I hope he calls."

He pulls the wig off my head, "Is that so?"

"It is." I say shaking my head to allow my hair to fall.

He traces his thumb along my jaw line, "Well it will be pretty awkward to date him, when you'll be too busy with me."

I bat my eyelashes, "And why on earth would I be busy with you?"

Instead of answering my question, he descends on my lips again not bothering to give me any room to say no. I can feel his fingers getting tangled in my hair. I can hear Aoi and Youichi playing with his new game in the living not noticing that we've left them alone. Natsume tilts his head and starts kissing me in the same hungry manner that he did at the wedding reception. Whatever he was feeling that night and whatever he is feeling right now is scaring me. There is this edge of desperation. I'm no expert on kissing, but with Natsume nothing is ever simple. His pecks are like little notes 'I miss you', 'I'll be right back'. Longer kisses seem to tell me things that he'll never be able to say out. And his open mouth kisses drive up the temperature and robs me of my inhibitions. I become someone else in that instant because I feel like I may never be able to kiss him again.

He pulls away from me and his ruby eyes causes' electricity to shoot through my body. It should be illegal to have those eyes of his.

"That's why." He says before leaving the room.

My heart is fluttering around like a frightened bird and I have no witty retorts to utter. I've been torturing myself trying to figure out why I stay. All the sneaking around in the dark: who wants a relationship like that?

I always fantasized that my first boyfriend would be sweet and funny. He'd carry my bag, we'd go on cute dates, I'd wear his coat, and we'd have our first kiss on top of a Ferris wheel or under fireworks or something cheesy like that. He'd be my knight in shining armor that would have rescued me from my home life, pull me up on his white horse and we'd ride off into the sunset.

But I'm not the helpless princess in this story. I had to be my own knight and save someone else in addition to myself.

But just because I couldn't wait around for my prince, does that mean that all my prerequisites for a romantic partner go down the drain? Does it mean that I end up with a guy who seems more interested in the secret keeping than in actually being with me?

I peek out of the bedroom and see Natsume sitting on the couch next to Aoi and Youichi with his eyes trained on the television. How did I end up here? What wrong left turn did I take that led me down this dark and cold path of 'feelings'? Feelings for a guy who seems to have none. A guy with the emotional depth of frog.

That's untrue and I know it, but it terrifies me that Natsume might have feelings for me? Aren't I a twit? I'm scared if he has feelings and I'm scared if he doesn't have feelings.

I'm still trembling from the kiss as I back away from the door and sit on the edge of the bed.

Either way I'm terrified. I can't do anything about it , but doing nothing is how I ended up here in the first place. I like where I am most of the time, but all this uncertainty is turning my brain to mush and making my heart hurt.

I wish there was a way of knowing whether or not Natsume is good for me.

A sign that can let me know that I'm going in the right direction.

They say to follow your heart, but what if your heart is the most messed up part of you?

Like a map in foreign language or a compass that doesn't point north?

What do you do if you can't find your way because you don't know which way you want to go?

What then?

* * *

><p><em>So how was it? Please excuse any grammar or spelling errors I try really hard to proof read, but when I finish a chapter I'm just so excited to upload for you guys that I totally lose focus!<em>

_Let me know what you think! _

_We're getting so close to being done with this story I can almost taste it! So send your love, send your reviews, send your encouragement!_

_Send whatever you like! I read every single one and if I had the time I would respond to every single one, but now it's time to work on Chapter 19!_

_Lots of Love _

_Chi-chan_


	19. Trap

_Greetings all,_

_Thank you for all the reviews (threats, compliments, and the like) it really helps get me through the hum drum college for any errors. You know how I hate the proofreading. When I finish a chap all I want to do is post :)_

_Chapter 20 is already under way._

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 19: Trap<strong>

April showers bring May flowers.

And what beautiful flowers they have brought to Nagoya. In front of buildings and in parks, there are splashes of color everywhere. Birds are twittering overhead and the parade of warm weather definitely has me in higher spirits. No more lugging around heavy coats and drowning in sweatpants. Nobara is even trying to talk me into getting a short haircut for the warm months. I told her that my dad would kill me if I even considered it. It wasn't really a lie because my dad was never a fan of short hair styles for his little girl. He wanted me to be his little Rapunzel of sorts.

Youichi's summer uniform is totally adorable with his short sleeve dress shirt and checkered shorts and now that it's warmer out he spends lots of time afterschool playing soccer with his-wait for it….

_Friends_

To see Youichi actually greeting and being greeted by other kids his age, being invited to birthday parties, staying afterschool to play with his classmates; it's enough to make me cry, but I'd rather not be that embarrassing mother figure that cries every five minutes. I'm supposed to be his sister after all and what kind of sister just starts crying out of nowhere?

An embarrassing psychotic one, of course

_Imai's _has gotten busier and more vibrant as our patrons have traded their coats and hats for sun dresses and open toed shoes. Gone are orders for piping hot soup and our special peppermint hot cocoa and in their place are orders for ice cream and pink lemonade.

We've gotten so busy in fact, that tip money alone is enough to keep my rent paid. Even though they are mostly well off, our customers can be penny pinchers when it comes to tips, but the warm weather seems to have them loosening the grips on their wallets.

"Here's your strawberry cheesecake, ladies," I say placing the plate down on the table.

"Mikan! Hotaru wants to see you right now." Misaki says passing by me with a tray of pink lemonade in frosted glasses.

"Okay!" I bow to the table before hurrying to Hotaru's office.

I don't bother to knock as the door is open, "Hotaru?"

"Are you an idiot or something?" She asks me not looking up from her book.

With Hotaru, it's hard to know what is rhetorical and what's not.

I settle to respond with a, "Huh?"

"What day is today, Mikan?" she asks.

"You called me in here for that?"

She stands up from her desk and whacks me on the head with her hardcover book, "Your test you moron. The test that your whole future is riding on, remember?"

"It's tomorrow I know. You didn't have to thump me!" I say rubbing my throbbing head.

"You should be studying." She says walking back to her chair.

"Are you kidding? It's a gorgeous day. Customers are lined up around the block and we are rolling in tips. I might even make enough money to pay you back."

"I don't want your money." She says sternly.

"I know, but Hotaru you've helped me so much. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

"Mikan, my family is the crown jewel of Japan. I've been making money since I was in elementary school. I own the majority stock of several successful companies. You really think you can take advantage of me?"

I smile, "Of course not."

"Maybe you're not so stupid after all. Go home and study. If you fail I won't hear the end of it."

I'm effectively dismissed from _Imai's _and I'm not too happy about it. I don't want to be a waitress for the rest of my life, so I suck in my sour puss and get my things from my locker. I leave through the back exit so it doesn't look like I'm being fired suddenly or getting special treatment. Grant isn't expecting to pick me up for several hours and I hate to call him out of the blue. I know he's my driver and everything, but I don't have the gall to call him and ask him to meet me here. My bossiness only kicks in when I'm dealing with Natsume apparently.

The bus ride home isn't too loud or crowded and I enjoy catching bits and pieces of the conversations being had. A woman talking on her cell phone to a friend about a job interview she just had. A teenage boy muttering along to a song he's listening to through his head phones. Two elderly women reminiscing about a show there went to when they were girls. I wonder if I appear as normal to them as they do to me. To them I'm just another passenger on the bus. Not even a blip on their life's radar. I always find myself wondering about things like that. How it's possible that so much is going on in your life and the person sitting next to you on a bus or in a classroom knows absolutely nothing about it. They're just the extras of your life; the space fillers, the place holders. The people who exist so that we know we aren't alone and yet we don't even acknowledge them.

I get weird being inside my own head.

Tsubasa is at the desk when I get back to the apartment, smoking a cigarette and reading a book.

"Do you do any actual work Tsubasa?" I tease.

He smiles and looks up at me, "Watch your mouth kid. I made you not homeless, remember?"

"Yes, my knight in shining secondhand fumes." I reply waving my hand through the smoke.

He put the cigarette out in the ash tray and closes his book, "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Boss-lady kicked me out. I have my equivalency test tomorrow."

"Boss-lady is smart. Your test is much more important."

"I know."

"Well you're too cute to be a waitress for the rest of your life so get to studying missy." He says waving me off.

"Yes, yes." I mock making my way upstairs.

My apartment seems different at this time of day. The way the light floats in through the windows and bounces off the furniture and vases. I go into the bedroom to change out of my uniform and retrieve my stack of study guides.

My study methods have always been very practical and efficient. I start with the material I know very well so it feels more like a review session. I just read through it no writing, no examples. And then I move on to the stuff I don't know so well and jot down notes and continue in this fashion for some time. Working this way has always served me well in the past, but today my heart is just not in it. I keep getting distracted by noises outside or my constant need to have something to eat or drink.

I'm quite tempted to just turn on the television and enjoy my day off.

I've been going non-stop for a while now. Between work, studying, and fighting off the advances of certain red-eyed demon, I'm running myself very thin. But after tomorrow my study sessions with Natsume will be no longer necessary. With a decent enough score I might even be able to get a real job with regular hours, good wage, and even benefits. Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself.

But I start to imagine what it would be like to maybe have a desk job; working a nine to five on a daily basis. Off on weekends and holidays with no aching joints from standing all day long and running around in heels, a job where I can wear my own clothes and take my lunch break in the park, a job that's not just a job, but a career that I can use to pave my way into a nice retirement.

A knock on my door interrupts my corporate musings.

"Anna?" I remark after opening the door.

The pastel pink haired beauty beams at me, her big blue eyes shining. Instead of her school uniform or her work attire, she adorns a pink and white polka dotted dressed with white doll flats on her feet. Her pink tresses are curled about her shoulders under a white French beret hat.

"Hi!" she greets enthusiastically.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?" I inquire, genuinely confused.

Her smile doesn't dim, "Technically? Yes, but seeing as today is a study day for final exams I decided to skip it. Anyway I got this in the mail."

She digs around in her purse and pulls out an already opened envelope, hands it to me, and walks into my apartment. I close the door and pull the letter out of the envelope. It looks crumpled from someone grasping it too tightly. At the top center of the page is an emblem with Aramis Kingcade School of French Pastry.

_Dear Ogasawara Anna,_

_ Congratulations! We are pleased to extend you a place at our school for your post-graduation education._

"Anna! Oh my goodness! You got in!" I exclaim.

Anna smiles and pours herself a glass of lemonade, "I know. Isn't it wild?"

"Wait. Why do I seem to be more excited than you? Isn't this what you wanted?"

She takes a large gulp of lemonade and puts the glass down, "Of course it is. I'm thrilled really, it's just that…"

I sit down on the stool, "Just what?"

"I haven't exactly told anyone yet. Not even Nonoko. I'm terrified Mikan. It's just one of those things that seem way too good to be true. And then I thought its two years in France by myself."

"But you'll be in France learning to be a pastry chef at the greatest pastry school in the world. And then you'll be back and people will be lining up to eat your sweets."

"Mikan I haven't even told my parents that I want to go to Paris. What if they hate the idea?"

"Anna they're your parents. They want you to be happy. They'll support you no matter what."

"But what if they don't?"

"So what if they don't? It's your life. And if you don't take this amazing opportunity, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

Still looking dejected, she finishes off her lemonade. I struggle to think of something else to say to her. How do you tell someone that getting everything you've ever wanted is a great thing? That maybe the universe is on their side? Even if she faces hard times and struggles ahead, at least she's working towards her dreams. But what would I know about chasing dreams? I only know how to survive and work myself into sickness.

"Will you go somewhere with me?" she asks.

I can only nod.

* * *

><p>"Wow! I've never seen the sea before." I exclaim.<p>

"This is probably my favorite place outside of the kitchen." Anna responds.

The Port of Nagoya Public Aquarium is huge attraction near a small amusement park and some shops and even a museum. The forty minute bus ride was well worth it when we arrived. Despite being pretty early on a school day, the area is still fairly crowded with people wondering around. The rise of the outdoor temperature has inspired people to come walk around in the sunshine.

Anna hands me an ice cream cone she just purchased from the vender, "Where should we go first?"

With ice cream cones in hand, we buy tickets to wander through the aquarium and make faces at the fish. We caught the early show with some jumping dolphins and killer whales. I've never been to an aquarium. We took a school trip to the zoo once when I was in elementary school, but it was purely educational and very boring. I told my dad about it when I got home and he told me that a zoo at home is way more fun than the actual thing. He proceeded to make animals noises and chase me around our living room.

The aquarium is nice though. It's quiet and very beautiful. Blue lights dancing on the tile floors, Anna and I running around acting silly. There are benches by the sting ray tank and we plop down to rest.

"I love this place, especially when it's not crowded. Come on, I'll show you my favorite place."

She drags me through the labyrinth of the aquarium to the tunnel that runs underneath the giant tank. You can look straight up and see all the fish and even sharks swimming around.

"Wow." I sigh.

"Come on. Lie here." Anna says getting down on the floor and sprawling out.

"What? The ground must be filthy."

"No, no. Keito cleans this place every hour. Plus it's practically deserted."

I shrug my shoulders and get down on the ground and lie down next to her. We just stare up at the passing schools of fish and a hammerhead shark.

"When I was seven, my mom threw the biggest fit when I tried to make this chocolate soufflé I saw in a magazine. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and I made a huge mess and almost burned the house down. She just kept yelling because these important people were supposed to be coming over in a short while. I felt so guilty. I ran upstairs and backed a bag and came here."

"Why here?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. It was the only place I had ever gone to without Nonoko. It's the only place where I've been just Anna and that was okay."

"Have you always been trying to separate yourself from Nonoko?"

"Not actively. We love being twins, but people treat us like a unit as if we're just one person. Sometimes you want to be by yourself."

"So," I pause for a minute, "What'd you pack?"

She laughs, "A teddy bear, a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and some playing cards."

I join in to here laughter, "What? No cupcakes?"

"No I didn't deserve it."

We pause again for a moment.

"Did you go back?"

"No. I stayed here till my mom showed up with tears on her face."

"Was she mad?"

"Furious, but she was so happy I was okay, that it didn't matter. She just kept squeezing me."

"How did she know where to find you?"

She thought for a moment, "I don't know. Maybe it's a mom thing? She just knew."

_She just knew._

Is that possible? Do mothers have some internal GPS that lets them know where their children are? Probably not, but I do know about reading people. Being able to tell how they're feeling without asking. Being able to tell what they're thinking without making a big deal out of it. Moms are like that. Intuition they call it, mother's intuition. I don't need to recant my life story to know that it's a load of bull. As I watch the fish circle overhead, I allow myself to think about Yuka. Think about an alternate universe in which my mother actually came looking for me. She kicks the drugs and alcohol, leaves Persona and comes to find me. With a clear head she knows exactly where I am and she comes. Tears running down her face she comes to this aquarium and squeezes me tight just like Anna and her mom.

But I told myself that I didn't want that. I never want to see her again, but I know it isn't true. Deep down even if you hate it, your mom is still your mom.

And it sucks.

"That's the difference I guess." Anna says cutting through the silence.

I snap but to reality, "Sorry?"

"Between running away and playing hide and seek." She clarifies.

"What is?" I ask.

"Someone comes looking for you in the end."

We lay together for some time longer. I know Anna doesn't know about me, but she does know a piece of it. And as we lay here under the blue glow of the aquarium tank with little fish swimming over our heads, I try to keep myself from crying. Maybe in an alternate universe my mom would show up, crying tears of joy because she found me. But I live in this universe and I'm never going to see my mother again.

Without my noticing, Anna stood up and stretched, "Come on. The amusement park has the best cheese fries."

"You know I'm actually supposed to be studying." I confess sheepishly.

She shrugs, "You can study later."

And by later, she means much later. After pigging out on cheese fries and riding the bumper cars three times and taking several spins around the Ferris wheel, we decided to walk down the pier and look at the boats.

"Thanks Mikan. I know this wasn't how you were going to spend your day."

"Are you kidding? I had a blast. So much better than studying all day,"

She laughs, "Yeah I know what you mean."

"But it's time for you to go home and tell your family."

"And time for you to go home and study for your super important test tomorrow."

I shrug, "Real life sucks."

She giggles, "Yeah it does."

I call Grant and ask him to pick us up. Anna hugs me before getting out of the car to go home. I wave at her from the window and settle against the leather seats. I like Anna. Hanging out with her is different than hanging out with Hotaru. There's no serious atmosphere surrounding her. She reminds me of the type girl who is the best friend of the heroine of a really good book or drama; the happy go lucky friend who cheers you on no matter what. Maybe in the alternate universe of my life Anna and I are best friends, growing up together, laughing together, maybe even baking together.

But like I said before this is my universe and I need to go study for my test.

When I get home it's a little pass six and Youichi is downstairs with Misaki helping her make some kind of chowder. I sit on the couch next to Tsubasa who has had some sake and is making fun of one of the other tenants. I spend the rest of the night eating chowder with Youichi in my lap, laughing and joking with Tsubasa and Misaki.

I know I should probably be studying, but it's been such a perfect day. I just don't want to come down from this cloud I'm floating on.

* * *

><p>My cloud has effectively abandoned me, leaving me high and dry. I'm sitting in the hallway of Alice Academy waiting for my escort to the testing room. Youichi has run off with some classmates abandoning me without even so much as a second glance. I tug at the hem of my skirt and try not to feel so nervous.<p>

I've been studying for this test for weeks. I can do this. I know I can. I got up extra early and took a long hot shower, straightened my hair, and made a fantastic breakfast for Youichi and myself. Then I picked out a cute outfit: a red pleated skirt, a white button down shirt folded up at the elbow and a black vest over it. I dig the heel of my black army boots into the shiny marble floor. I arrived with Youichi an hour early for my exam, but right on time for him to get to class. In the forty minutes I've been sitting in the hallway alone I've fussed with my hair and witnessed several student sneak out for a smoke break.

Don't they know those things will kill them?

With twenty minutes left until my test, I'm rubbing my sweaty hands together and trying not to have a mental breakdown. I close my eyes and countdown from ten trying to calm myself.

"What are you doing?"

I open my eyes and see none other than Natsume Hyuuga standing in front of me wearing his lacrosse uniform.

"Playing badminton. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

He scoffs, "Being pleasant as always."

"At least I'm consistent."

"There you are Hyuuga! That's the first time you've ever left the locker room so fast." A heavy male voice says.

Several guys dressed in the same uniform carrying lacrosse sticks made their way down the hall towards us. Natsume turned to face them, but took a slight step to the left as if to block me from their view. One of them handed Natsume the extra lacrosse stick he was carrying.

"Prepared to get your ass whooped my friend." Announces the loud mouth giant.

"Mochu you're so full of it. Natsume's our fastest player." Says someone else.

"True, but he lacks conviction."

"The only conviction you have is the one in your pants."

The guys all laugh.

"Anyway let's get out there-" something catches his eye, "Hold on a minute,"

The guy addressed as Mochu steps around Natsume and very indiscreetly looks me up and down like a predator. I regret putting so much effort into my appearance and to make matters worse I was fussing with my hair again when they started talking and now I'm doing that flip thing to get it to not be so flat. I heard somewhere that hair flipping could be misconstrued as flirting. By the way this Mochu guy is looking at me, my unintentional flirting has worked.

"Well, well, well. You must be my next appointment." He drawls.

"Excuse me?" I ask releasing my hair from my grasp.

"You know my next appointment." He says suggestively.

"Oh nice. Does that pick up line actually work or are you just feeling lucky today?"

"Oh I'm feeling very lucky sweetheart. What time should I come over?"

I roll my eyes, "Why don't you hold your breath until I call?"

"I like them feisty." He comments whilst eyeballing me again.

"You're going to be late to practice don't you think? I mean you wouldn't want to waste a second of grabbing all the other guys and slapping each other's butts."

"Honey I'm as straight as they come. I can probably show you a couple of things. You got a boyfriend?"

For some odd reason Natsume and I make eye contact, "No I don't have a boyfriend."

"Well then maybe I should give you my number-"

"Sakura-san?" came a light voice.

Narumi-sensei has his head poked out into the hallway looking at me and the guys partially surrounding me.

"Don't you boys have practice now?" He asks coming out into the hall, "Better get to it."

Everyone except Natsume starts to leave. He keeps staring at me and I break eye contact first. I grab my bag and stand up.

"Natsume-kun, you'll be late." Narumi-sensei says with a bright smile.

Natsume doesn't even acknowledge him and just turns on his heel to follow the other boys, making sure that his lacrosse stick taps me in the leg.

"Long time no see."

I smile, "It's good to see you again."

"Well you young lady have a very important test to take. Right this way."

The test proctors reserved an empty classroom for the equivalency exam. Fortunately I'm not the only one taking it. A hand full of other people are scattered about the room. I take a seat in a desk close to the exit and pull my materials out of my bag: three pencils, extra lead refills, a big white eraser, my new calculator, a pink highlighter.

With five minutes left till test time, I realize that I'm not as nervous as I was. The sudden appearance of Natsume and his band of merry men was actually a good distraction. Seeing Natsume just reminded me of how much I prepared for this and how many hours I spent getting hit on the head with pencils. It reminded me of other stuff too. Like Natsume kissing me to end an argument, tucking my hair behind my ears, and letting his fingers trail along my cheek and down my jaw.

"Please put all additional materials away, make sure your cell phones are off. We are about to begin." One of the proctors announce.

I dig around in my bag and find my cell phone. I have several new texts:

_Good luck baka.  
>-H<em>

_Celebratory dinner tonight! __  
>-M<em>

_Don't screw up little girl.  
>-N<em>

I smile at each one before shutting my phone off. I'm really lucky to have such great friends.

The proctor clears her throat, "We're ready to begin."

Well.

Here we go.

* * *

><p>I sigh, "I feel like I'm going to throw up."<p>

Anna nudges me with elbow and hands me a donut, "You know you kicked butt on that test. You were the first one done and the proctor smiled at you."

"He might have been hitting on her." Nonoko chimes in.

Anna kicks her, "Shut it you."

"Is it okay that we're out here?" I ask.

"Yeah I mean it's not like we're smoking or anything." Anna replies.

'Out here' is the bleaches of Alice Academy's immaculate field. The soccer team is doing a scrimmage and the cheerleaders are practicing their aerial routine. After I finished my test, I found Anna and Nonoko waiting outside my test door. They promptly dragged me to the football field, up the bleachers, and gave me donuts.

"I don't even go to school here."

"Mikan relax and eat your donut."

I shove the glazed goodness into my mouth and chewed trying to squash this feeling of anxiety bubbling in my stomach.

"Doesn't Natsume look lush?" Anna says dreamily.

Sure enough Natsume is on the field dripping in sweat chasing a little white ball down the field.

"It's almost the end of the year. Why are the sports teams still practicing?" I ask trying not to choke on my donut.

"That's why all our sports teams are number one. They never let up. Plus all the underclassmen on the teams get to look forward to practicing all summer." Nonoko explains.

"Technically the seniors don't have to show up, but practice has to be way better than studying all day long."

"Speaking of which, we need to go to do just that." Nonoko says standing up.

Anna moans, "Do we have to?"

"Do you want to screw up your chances of going to France? Mom said all A's remember?"

Anna huffs, but gathers her stuff, "You okay Mikan?"

"Yeah I'm probably gonna go home and take a nap or something."

"Okay. See you later!" Anna calls hopping down the bleachers.

I finished the donut Anna left me and descended the bleachers. I thought about calling Hotaru, but I remember she had to leave for Tokyo with her dad for some business thing. Guess I'm on my own today.

"Oi." Comes a familiar voice for the second time today.

I roll my eyes, but can't suppress a smile, "You know hanging out under bleachers is an 80's movie cliché."

He grabs my hand and pulls me under. He runs his hands through my hair and kisses me.

"Feeling daring today?" I ask pushing him away

"What are you babbling about?" He asks.

"I mean this is kind of public, don't you think? Someone might see you with me."

I didn't mean to sound bitter I really didn't, but I'm beginning to feel a little miffed.

"Like you're not worried about being seen with me?"

"I'm not your dirty little secret Natsume."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's alright isn't it? As long as we're at my apartment or your room or an emergency staircase, it's okay. All the sneaking around is pretty exciting isn't it?"

"You're not my girlfriend." He says before walking off.

I want to cry. I storm all the way to the front of the school. Grant opens the door of the car for me and I manage to keep it together. My phone starts ringing in my bag.

_Hotaru_

"Oi baka did you fail?"

And I just start sobbing, "I hate him. I hate him. He's a bastard and I never want to see him again!"

"What did Natsume do now?" she asks with an exacerbated sigh.

"He's just such a prick." I wail.

"Just go home and take a bath. Call me when you feel like making sense."

I drop my phone back into my bag and continue my stupid girl sobbing. I can feel Grant's looks of concern through the rearview mirror, but I'm in no mood to coddle him or pretend I'm okay. I dry my face on the back of my hand as we pull up in front of my apartment. He opens the door for me and as I step out he offers me a handkerchief.

"Thank you Grant," I say drying my face.

"If I may say so ma'am, no man is worth your tears."

I smile and hand him back the handkerchief. Thankfully Tsubasa isn't at the desk when I arrive so I can hurry to my apartment without explaining my potentially puffy eyes. I try to decide if I want a bath first or if I should just head straight for a nap. I drop my bag on the floor next to the kitchen counter and head straight for the bedroom. I kick off my boots and curl up with a pillow.

_You're not my girlfriend_

A simple statement that is completely true. A completely true statement that I have no desire to change, but at the time it felt like he was stabbing me straight through the heart. I never thought of myself as someone special, just some naïve girl who was entertaining to him maybe, but somewhere along the line things got muddled.

I can feel myself drifting off as my eyes begin to water behind closed lids.

* * *

><p>I don't know how much time has passed, but the sun is setting outside the bedroom window and I can hear my phone ringing in the kitchen. I stumble out of bed and grab the door frame for support.<p>

"Natsume?" I call rubbing my eyes.

He stands in the living room holding my phone in his hand. How did he get in here? Did I forget to lock the door?

"What are you doing here?" I ask making my way out into the living room.

He doesn't respond, but holds my phone out to me. I reach out for it but he moves it out of my grasp before I can take it.

"You're such an idiot."

I roll my eyes, "I know that. Can I have my phone please?"

I reach for it again, but he grabs my wrist and pulls me into him. I jump back, still exceedingly pissed off about his choice words from earlier, but he roughly grabs the side of my neck and pulls me into a kiss: another desperate open mouth kiss. When he pulls away he doesn't look into my eyes like he always does.

"Nats-," I start, but a hand clamps over my mouth from behind.

Panic mode sets in and I'm swinging wildly till a strong arm latches over me. I kick the vase off the coffee table and try to scream. There's a sweet smell coming from the cloth in my attacker's hand. I look to Natsume for help, but he just shoves his hands in his pockets.

Then there is involuntary darkness once again.

* * *

><p><em>Voices swirling together<em>

_The smell of sweet flowers_

I blink my eyes several times to bring the room into focus. I sit up on the king sized bed rub my face. My memory is hazy. The room is huge and beautifully decorated with shades of beige and maroon. The large windows allow the moonlight to trickle into the room and pool in the carpet. I force myself out of bed. Aside from being confused and a little dizzy, I'm not hurt. I walk bare foot across the room, towards the door. I think I may be at the Imai house, but why would Hotaru go through the much trouble?

_Natsume_

I saw Natsume right before everything got really dark, but there was someone else there. Ruka, perhaps?

I pull the door open and step out into the brightly lit hallway. My bare feet are cold against the marble floor, but I tip toe down the hall towards the voices.

"She's off limits." Comes a woman's voice.

I lean over the railing trying to get a good look. I don't recognize the three men wearing all black with guns strapped to their hips. The woman has her back turned to me, but I can see she's wearing a long, elegant evening gown. She takes several steps to the end table and picks up a thick envelope. She hands it to the three men and they head for the door.

"Look who's awake!" a voice bellows from behind me before gripping my arm.

The woman whips her head around and looks up at us, but the red headed man grips me tight and pulls me down the stairs behind him. I have to keep my eyes on the stairs to avoid falling. When we finally get down to the foyer, he tosses me to the ground.

"That's not necessary." The woman says.

He chuckles, "Yeah, but it's fun."

"Reo why don't you go make yourself useful somewhere else?" she commanded.

Reo? I pushed myself to my knees and got to my feet. My eyes met hers and I felt a sense of dread. Her red hair shines and dances down her shoulders in soft ringlets with bangs framing her amber eyes. She smiles at me with a high scarlet gloss adorning her lips. Through the slit in her dress I can make out the black strap of a gun holster. She holds out a hand to me revealing the black ink tattoo of Chinese characters.

I back away from her as Reo joins her side looking irate.

"Reo I mean it. Get lost." She says with venom in her voice this time.

Reo scuffs, casts me one last menacing glance and disappears into another part of the house.

"Poor thing. You're frightened, that's cute." She beams, "You don't have to be afraid. We don't _want _to hurt you. If you play nice, this can all be very tame."

I just continue to stare at this woman. I've never seen her before. She's pretty with make-up to darken her features making her look like a dark mistress of the night. She smiles at me with her mouth, but her eyes are searching me. My face, my eyes, my body, as if she is looking for something specific on my person; something she can take.

She tosses a lock of hair over her shoulder, "Well you sure are a scrawny little thing. Not much to look at. I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about."

"Fuss?" I repeat using the end table to steady myself.

Something seems to snap in her as if I have become insufferable instantaneously, "Let's go. He wants to see you now."

He? She yanks me by the arm and pulls me through the house into the living room where we stop in front of a closet door. She knocks once and the door opens automatically. She shoves me up the narrow staircase onto the landing where there is a bigger, thicker door. She knocks twice and the door is manually opened by a large guy brandishing a large gun I've ever only seen in movies. The room is big and well lit with no windows revealing the outside world. There is a fireplace roaring probably connected to the one downstairs in the living room to wave off suspicion of this secret room.

There is a velvet lounge chair by the fire, a television mounted on the wall and a pool table where three other armed men are busying themselves. A large dark wood desk sits in the center of the room littered with papers. Sitting in the leather chair behind the desk is someone I never thought I'd see again.

At least I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't.

The woman shoves me toward the desk and it takes some stumbling to get my footing and not go crashing into it. Persona looks up from his papers and smiles at me as if we're longtime friends. I can't see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but I don't imagine they're friendly.

"Thank you Cassandra." He says going back to his papers.

I had nightmares about my potential future encounters with Persona. They were usually violent and involved a lot of bad language. The settings were usually a dark dank house or an alley or maybe even a warehouse like in the dramas. But a secret room in a gorgeous house with Persona barely acknowledging my presence like we did this all the time? What is this the twilight zone?

"Did you really think it would be that easy?" He asks.

It takes me a minute to realize he is talking to me, "Excuse me?"

He looks up from his papers, "Run off with my money, my property, and instead of finding a hole to bury your sorry asses I find your face plastered over every magazine in Japan. Did you think I'd be insulted by you _twice_ and just leave you be? You and the little worm?"

He stands up from the desk and walks over to the fire staring into it for a moment, "I've never been a patient man, but life has been good recently. Business is booming, my enemies falling beneath my feet, new allies made every day, and no reason to get upset. I just needed to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. But who is popping up at every turn?"

He turns his face towards me with a prominent scowl, "Everybody out!"

Wordlessly all the men file out of the room. Soon it's just the three of us: me frozen in the center of the room, Cassandra relaxing by the fire, and Persona trying to keep a lid on his anger.

"First it's your mother with her crazy animal howling your name at all hours of the day and night. Then the magazine articles."

It strikes me that I hadn't thought of Yuka till he just mentioned her and now I am beside myself, "Where is she?"

This question amuses him, "Worried? You weren't worried when you abandoned her months ago."

"Where. Is. She." I repeat more firmly.

His amusement heightens, "Would it matter? If she was dead? If she was strung out in that old house? If she was laying on some street corner calling your name?"

I forcefully swallow the lump in my throat.

He chuckles, "We all have our prices to pay. Your mother paid for you leaving, but now it's your turn."

All this time I'd forced myself not to think about Yuka; what she's doing, where she is, who she's with, has she overdosed, is she even alive. I forced myself to shut it out. Shut out the guilt, the worry, the panic, the fear, everything that would make me get back on that bus or pick up the phone. Anything that would make me look back: I bottled it and buried it.

"You ran. Like a cowardice little girl, you ran. You had good timing though. You hit the road right when my best deal went through sparking the big pay day that has led me to all you see here now. I figured it was a good omen; a necessary trimming of the fat. I mean, I couldn't have you leeches bleeding me dry with your incessant needs and constant whimpering. I thought to myself, it's a new day, a new life, I'll take my good mojo where I can get it."

"So what changed?" I ask with a hoarse voice.

"I did. I elevated myself to seat of power and rule with an iron fist. I needed a new leading lady and your mother was not up to snuff, so I ditched her. Found myself a lady of leisure, a dangerous one at that,"

Cassandra takes this moment to stand and join Persona by the fireplace and place a peck on his cheek. I can't suppress a disgusted shiver from creeping down my spine.

"But something kept bothering me. Even with your mother gone, your name bounced around the corners of my mind and then my little Cass here picks up a magazine and who do I spy on its cover? _Mikan_. Who is wining and dining with the big wigs of multimillion dollar corporations? _Mikan. _And then to add insult to injury I have Reo mucking up the works with our newest recruit for some girl. Who is that girl, dare I ask? _Mikan. _You're like an infection. Everywhere you go, everything you touch becomes contaminated with your stench."

He removes himself from Cassandra and knocks a lamp to the floor. He takes several deep breaths.

"I thought about seeking you out myself, finding you tucked away in your safe warm bed, tying you to it and killing the boy in front of you while you scream and cry. Then I'll have my fun with you, make you wish you were dead and then be the sweet merciful man that I am and deliver."

He places less than a foot of distance between us, "I wanted to make you scream, feel your bones break beneath my hands, watch the last breath escape your lungs."

"Do it then." I say before I can even think of the ramifications.

He grabs my throat not enough to cut off the air, but enough for me to feel the rage bubbling beneath the surface, "Trust me I'd love nothing more, but your gallivanting all over town has made you valuable. You're not just some girl I can crush that no one will look for. You have your little friends don't you? Coworkers, that landlord, people who might stir up trouble for me. No, you are much more useful to me alive. Because when you're alive I can control you."

He pulls me close, his breath putrid with alcohol, "I know how to break you. I know what you care most about in the world. This little life you made your little bubble? It can't save you. Not from me. I'll leave it be. All of it, you just have to do what I say."

He takes a moment to bury his face in my hair and take a long breath. My skin begins to crawl from the familiarity of his invasion. Over his shoulder I can see Cassandra with a scowl on her face. It's not like there's any part of me that is enjoying this. I'm paralyzed with fear, mentally kicking myself for making such a dumb mistake. Did I really think my life could be lilacs and rainbows? That I could go to one of the biggest weddings of the year and get out with no punishment? This is my fault. I've made my bed and now everyone I love will have to lie in it with me.

"What do I have to do?" I ask.

He moves in front of my face and smiles genuinely, "Be a good girl."

Cassandra jerks my arm pulling me away from Persona and his putrid stink, "Time for lockdown we have a meeting in less than an hour."

Persona looks undeterred, "Of course. Play time is over for now. Have Natsume take her back when he checks in."

Cassandra wastes no time dragging me from the room. I know it takes all of her restraint to keep from throwing me down the narrow staircase. My head is spinning from the encounter. How did everything get so messed up? I can blame myself and kick myself, but I didn't serve myself up on a silver platter.

_Natsume did._

I feel sick to my stomach all over again. How could he do this to me? How could I let him do this to me? _Have Natsume take her back…_ I'm just supposed to go back to my life? Back to Youichi and Hotaru and work and just pretend like this never happened to me?

Cassandra returns me to the bedroom I woke up in and tosses me to the floor. She walks over to the windows and pulls the drapes.

"I'm not interested in your dysfunctional family drama. Getting rid of that druggie bitch was the best thing Rei has ever done. Now he's bringing you into the mix."

"I didn't want this." I say feebly.

"Oh poor baby. It's all about you, isn't it? Finding you, using you, killing you, and now I have to work with you."

"I'm not working with you!" I shout.

She grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me off the ground, "Is that what you think?"

She shoves me onto the ground again, visibly debating within herself whether she should just end this now or beat me to a bloody pulp. It's almost comical to see the same flashes of jealousy and rage in her eyes that I see in Sumire's and Luna's and Gretchen's. I can lie down and take it, but that's what I've been doing my entire life. Just lying down and taking all of the crap. Running away was the only action I've ever taken.

A laugh bubbles in my chest, "You're pathetic."

"Excuse you?" she says.

"You heard me." I say sitting up to look at her, "You're pathetic. Did you even meet my mother? Did you see what he did to her? He took a broken woman and killed her from the inside out and now what? You think he can love you?"

"Oh please. He threw your mother in rehab first chance he got. If she chooses to waste away it's her call. Your mother might have been Rei's whore, but I am his queen; right by his side through it all to see him rise and conquer and bask in the riches owed to us."

I rise to my feet, "Then why does he need me I wonder."

"Revenge, simple as that. You're going to pay for what you did."

"What exactly did I do that was so wrong? I left a hell hole. I got my own life. I did what I needed to do to help me and my brother survive. What in that warrants his rage?"

She looks confused for a moment as if this is new information to her and it occurs to me that like any other consort, Cassandra is just a body. Persona doesn't tell her anything, just enough to get her hot under the collar. Seeds of doubt begin to plant behind her eyes.

"Maybe it's some of his macho guy crap. He just can't stand when a woman says no."

She scoffs, "You're barely a little girl."

"That didn't seem to bother him when he tried to rape me."

I dropped a bomb on her this time, she tries to hide it. Like her dark prince being an attempted rapist is nothing new, but I have a feeling Cassandra likes a certain amount of monogamy in her precious kingdom.

"I'm not lying. Persona is a monster; enough so that I don't have to make this stuff up. I've been beaten unconscious. I watched him kick a five year old into a wall. I've seen furniture turned to rumble under his tantrums. I got out. I let go. I left my own mother behind for a chance at something better. So why does he drag me back?"

She's a few feet from me, but I close the gap with a few steps and find myself mimicking the monster she has chosen to attach herself to. I lean into her ear and whisper, "Because he wants me. He always has, ever since my mother became less than par."

"Is this the part where I feel sorry for you? Where we hold each other and cry?" she sneers.

I don't even blink. My fear has crippled the part of me that was supposed to be crying in the fetal position in the corner musing over my failure and the crumpling ruins of my life beginning to surround me, but instead I'm amused at how equipped I am to deal with a woman like this: a woman who should have the world at her feet considering her beauty, but chooses to fawn over a man who could never truly love her: an insecure little child. I find myself even more amused.

"No," I whisper darkly, "But later on tonight when you slither into bed with him and he crawls on top of you. I want you to think about who he's really screwing."

She shoves me into the wall and reels back her fist. I manage to sloppily dive roll out of the way but not without slamming my shoulder into the nightstand. My yelp of pain doesn't appease her though and she snatches my arm trying to whip me around to get a good shot at my face, but I put my head between my knees and claw at her with my free hand so that she can release me.

"What are you doing?"

The bedroom door stands open with the light from the hallway casting the figure in partial darkness, but I don't need to make out the person's features to recognize him.

"Natsume," Cassandra announces still huffing for air.

She yanks me up to my feet and I let her because I'm drained from Natsume's sudden appearance. She flings my arm away as if I'd contracted something.

"Get rid of her. One more minute and I swear to God I'll kill her."

She storms past him not even giving me a final glance. I feel the urge to throw some callous comment her way, but with Natsume standing several feet from me, I feel as if all of the oxygen has been sucked out of my brain effectively shutting down my sassy comeback nervous center.

We stare at each other for a moment. He's hard to read and I'm feeling so many emotions at once it's hard to tell which one is more prominent in my features. I hope that its rage, but the muscles in my face feel slack, so I'll settle for the more probable blank stare.

"Let's go." He says.

"Where are you taking me?" I reply quickly.

He looks confused, "Home."

What's with the look? As if taking me home is the most natural thing to do after what I've been through; after what _he_ put me through.

I manage to chuckle dryly, "_Home_? You're taking me home? You mean the same place you kidnapped me from? Are you high?"

"Do you want to stay here then?" He replies harshly.

Faced with this "either or" situation I follow him out of the room and back down the stairs. We take the back entrance in the kitchen out to the massive yard with cars parked on the lawn. My bare feet practically freeze on contact with the dew covered grass, but I force myself to keep marching forward. From what I can tell this house seems to be in the middle of nowhere. Trees surround the property line, but through the darkness I can't distinguish between the sky and the branches. I can see several men standing around with guns. What's with all the protection? I guess when you're high up on the food chain you need the extra entourage.

Natsume opens the door to a black car that I don't recognize. One of the men tries to get in the back, but Natsume puts up a firm hand to stop him. There's a tense moment, but the surly looking gentleman backs off adjusting the rifle on his shoulder.

Natsume nudges me into the car and closes the door. He gets into the driver seat and turns the key, the dashboard lights up and the machine hums to life. He throws it in drive and instead of heading to a road, he heads to the trees.

"Are you going to kill me?" I ask cutting the silence.

"Don't be stupid." He says.

"Well this is it, isn't it? You passed your audition and now you get to be the linebacker for the gangster squad." I snap.

"I had to do my job." Is his reply.

"Your job? That's funny because you're a filthy rich heir to a dynasty. Why on earth would you need a job? Especially one like this."

He reaches across me and opens the glove compartment. He pulls out a blindfold.

"Put this on." He instructs.

I bat his hand away, "No thank you. I like my vision the way it is."

"Put it on," He repeats more firmly, "Or you'll have to go back to sleepy land."

The ice in his tone freezes me over, so I just slip the cloth over my eyes. I hope it's made of an absorbent material that will keep my tears from running down my face.

"I didn't know. You were some annoying girl from out of nowhere. I was suspicious. It was coincidence that you ended up being the mark."

I can hear him sigh in frustration, "Was that all I was to you?"

He paves over my question, "I tried to get Hotaru to tell me more. Maybe even dig up some more about you, but she refused. It only made me more curious. I thought if I could get close maybe you would let something slip, but you didn't. Then Reo gave me my assignment and I knew you had to be lying. I was pissed. You were prancing around chastising me when all this time you-"

"What was I supposed to do?!" I scream.

"You were supposed to tell me the truth! After everything-"

"After what? After sneaking around with you and fighting with you and being confused and pissed off and tired of you? When did you want me to spill my life story? What exactly was supposed to be my prompt for that conversation?"

"You told Hotaru." He mutters bitterly.

"Hotaru is the only person I could have told. Besides she would have found out either way and I couldn't keep lying to her."

"But you can lie to me."

"Yes, I can lie to you because I didn't trust you. Guess my subconscious saw this coming."

"I could have helped you. I could have paid Persona off before it got out of hand."

It was my turn to be confused, "Pay him off?"

"Every cent that you owed him, I would have paid it. We could have gotten you help."

"Help?"

"All this time you were trying to warn me, but you should have just told me."

I yank the blind fold off my eyes, "Stop the car."

His protest doesn't escape his lips when he sees the look on my face. The car rolls to a stop on the shoulder of the deserted road. Just like Cassandra, Natsume's just a piece in Persona's empire and only knows what Persona or Reo has told him about me. Everyone is just following orders and drinking from the well.

I find it baffling that someone as smart as Natsume can be so stupid.

I stare at him on the verge of mental shutdown, "You think I'm a junkie?"

He doesn't respond, but hearing it out of my own mouth causes a change in his expression.

"And _I'm_ naïve? Some psychopath fabricates some story about me and you just swallow it?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Really? Then what was it like? Because you've lost me."

"I don't know who Persona was when you knew him, but when I met him he was some guy in a black leather coat with a lot of guys working for him. He wasn't a psychopath, just another guy. He gave me an easy job after I had been out a few times. He told me about a girl who owed him money for product and ran off to avoid him. He's very particular so when he seemed on edge I didn't really take note."

"Even if you thought I owed him, why would you bring me there? He would have killed me."

"No he wouldn't have. I told him not to."

"And he would listen to you?"

"Yes, because he needs me more than he wants you."

Natsume obviously wasn't attuned to our little Q&A in the secret room.

"I always thought you were an idiot, but you have surpassed into a realm of idiocy that doesn't even have a name yet." I say through clenched teeth.

"I didn't-"

"You didn't what? Think it through? Because that much is obvious. You thought you'd just bring me to him and we'll pow wow? All is forgiven?"

"He needs me-"

"Yes he wants you with him more than he wants me dead. I got that bit, but what about when he has you do something so you can't get out? It's all been fairly tame for you, maybe a misdemeanor or so, but nothing binding. But what about the big day? The day when he wants you to make a sale or put a bullet in someone's brain. What about the day when you can't just get up and walk out? What happens to you then? What happens to me?"

I slip the blind fold back over my eyes so I can be swallowed by darkness. I think about letting it slip that Persona is lying to him about me, but a part of me knows that will make things worse. If Natsume acts up or walks out, Persona will know that I said something.

_Be a good girl._

Nothing I do, no matter how compliant I am or how well I hide the truth or how much of a good girl I pretend to be, I know that I'm stuck in Persona's clutches again. No amount of running will change that.

I've had the rug pulled out from under me before I can even get my footing. Now I'm pinned beneath the devil's thumb.

Yuka is wasting away God knows where, Natsume has betrayed me, Youichi's in danger, and I can barely hold myself together. What exactly am I supposed to do now? Go home? Take a shower? Eat some dinner? Sleep? Wake up tomorrow and just tell myself this was all a dream? He knows where I live, where I work, who my friends are. Natsume may have been the delivery boy, but Persona probably had someone watching me as soon as he saw that magazine.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but was it worth my life? Everything I tried so hard to build?

I let the tears flow freely soaking through my blindfold. I didn't care to know where we are or how long this drive will be because it already feels like an eternity. I don't even know if I can look at Youichi later without collapsing in sadness and fear.

The only thing I know is that I'm back in the hole.

Miles from where I started, but somehow I'm right back where I was: in a box struggling to breathe. As Persona and Natsume start to bury me.

And I realize. . .

* * *

><p>I am going to die here.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Did you like, love, hate? Fill out a review no matter how short or long! I read them all and respond to the more interesting ones. They're great motivators so keep on sending them in. Have any questions or comments about anything let me know. This is kind of the climax, but there is still more to go if you're keeping score. So many things to resolve. What's going to happen? I don't even know. I haven't thought that far.<em>

_Hehehe_

_Lots of Love,_

_Chi*_


	20. Blur

_Here it is Chapter 20. I hope you're happy with it I honestly had a hell of a time._

_Sorry in advance for any mistakes made!_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter 20: Blur<strong>

Somewhere there is a meadow with wild flowers whose colors are so vibrant it's almost surreal. Where the sunlight streams down flooding the field with too much light and the warm breeze is like the gentle sigh of Mother Nature filled with satisfaction at her own creation. The tall grass is so green it practically shines. Under my bare feet it crunches beneath my weight, but springs back to life when I remove myself with another step.

The hem of my dress sways about my knees; the crisp white of the cotton fabric sticks out among the bright colors. I don't remember the last time my hair was so clean or shiny or when my body felt so light. The grass caresses my bare calves ushering me forward.

Perched on a hill in the distance I make out a person sitting with their arms wrapped around their knees, brown hair billowing in the wind.

_Mom?_

The woman catches sight of me and stands up and begins running toward me. I continue my slow pace toward her and it wasn't until I got a good look at her face that I stopped advancing toward her.

"How did you get here?" she asks me.

I looked back the way I came, but there was just the meadow continuing in and endless stretch behind me. I look back at her only to see my own features twisted in confusion.

"How did you get here?" she repeats.

"I don't know. Why do you look like me?" I ask her.

But she doesn't seem to hear me. She looks worried and confused. She begins to pace and murmur to herself.

"Hey-," I say reaching out for her.

"How did you get here? I planned everything out so precisely. I chartered the course, I packed the supplies. I don't understand."

You're not the only one. To see my own face shift from confusion to sadness is an interesting experience. But how did I end up here? I don't remember walking so far into this meadow that I can't see the road or any buildings or people.

"You have to go back." She says suddenly pushing me back the way I came.

"No!" I say fighting her off, "I like it here. I want to say."

She holds my shoulders firmly, "You cannot. You cannot stay in this place. You must go. I set the clocks. The bed is already made. Go now."

"I don't want to go back. Something….something awful has happened."

"Only you believe."

Tears start spilling down my cheeks, "You're not making any sense."

She wraps her arms around me, "Tick tock goes the clocks little ferret. Take the wheel, the map is drawn. Fly little dove."

I bury my face in her shoulder and cry. There's a shift where my head feels like it is submerged in a vat of honey. When I open my eyes the sun is starting to rise and Youichi is curled up into my side sleeping soundly.

By the time Natsume drove me home it was late Misaki had tucked in Youichi and passed out on the couch. I left Natsume mid-sentence in the car, I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say. Tsubasa wasn't at the desk so I strode bare foot into my apartment and took a shower. Natsume gave me the personal stuff I'd left behind like my phone and keys, so my absence didn't resemble an abduction. The serenity of the apartment told me that there was no search party after me.

After my long shower I crawled into bed next to Youichi and slept very deeply, trippy dreams and all. I lie staring up at the ceiling marveling at how collected I've been. The only crying I seem to be doing is in my bizarre dreams. I am fully aware of everything that has happened since yesterday, but I feel like I'm living out of my body.

I get up go to the bathroom and shower and get ready for work. I make breakfast while Youichi gets ready. We eat and I chat idly, but animatedly with him as if it's just another day in paradise. I guess this happens when you get beyond fear. When the thing you are so afraid of catches up to you and suddenly there is nothing left to be afraid of.

Persona is here, no one is safe and Natsume…

I'm trying not to think about him, floating around in the hornet's nest thinking I'm some recovering junkie he has to protect. If he knew the truth, I don't know what he'd do, but I can't risk it. So basically I am waiting.

Serving tea and waiting…

Clearing tables and waiting…

Checking homework and waiting…

Reading and waiting…

Waiting for my phone to ring with some unknown number and hear Persona's voice telling me to do something unsightly.

_Be a good girl._

What does a good girl do I wonder. He's waiting for his moment. Persona has a gift for picking great moments. Waiting like a snake, choosing to strike when you let your guard down just enough…

"What are you brooding over?" Anna asks me several days later in the lounge.

I manage to keep the wall between me and every thought that would send me crumpling to the floor in a heap of misery intact. Life is going on, oddly enough. It continues to move forward as if the devil hadn't snatched me from my safe haven with the help of his demon. Natsume has made himself scarce over the last couple of days. He stopped going to school according to Ruka who barely sees him aside from when he crashes at his place on occasion. I don't ask so no one really tells me, but I can't help but catch the tail end of conversations about him.

"I'm not brooding. I'm…pensive." I reply stirring my coffee.

She takes the seat beside me, "About?"

I sigh, "Life. You know typical philosophical musings: what does it all mean, how did I end up here. That kind of thing."

"Sounds deep. I want no part of it. Instead let's talk about all of the parties I'm going to drag you to."

"Pardon?"

"Hello? Graduation? Going away? The big "Mikan passed her test with flying colors" party? Where is your head girl? It's about to be smooth sailing into adulthood for us."

I let out another sigh, "The seas are looking pretty rough right now."

"Is it your parents?" she asks without a beat.

"Something like that." I reply.

I've spent the last couple of days in a dormant state, jumping every time the phone rings. The only person I can talk to is Hotaru and she's with her mother in Tokyo for a work thing. Mizuki rarely gets Hotaru to tag along for anything, but with Subaru and Shizune honeymoon-ing around the world, she needs someone level-headed to keep her from strangling models and designers alike for spring fashion week.

I haven't exactly worked out what I'm going to say or do yet. I don't want to drop the crumbled pieces of my life in her lap and say, "Fix it." I don't even know if it's fixable. I thought about running, just dropping everything and running away with Youichi and not a penny to my name like last time, but Persona was right about one thing. I am valuable here. People will be looking for me, they might even call the police. I can't run this time. I'm not even sure I really want to. Running away just seems pointless now. Persona has enough money and workers to make sure that I don't run and even if I did he could find me with no effort on his part.

"Well Hotaru just got back. I think she's in her office." She announces opening a bottle of green tea.

"Oh."

She releases her straw, "Oh? That's all? I was sure you'd go see her or something."

"I'm sure she's probably busy."

"I thought you guys were friends?"

"We are, but she's also my boss. I can't just drop in on her when I feel like it."

She reclaims her straw ending our little conversation. I know I'm being short with her, but the show that I put on for work and for Youichi have me drained and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to coddle anyone. I am glad Hotaru is back and I want nothing more than to go to her office, throw myself into her lap and cry like a small child, but I can't. And not just because she might hit me…

"I'll see you later." I say leaving the lounge.

The rest of my shift goes by in a blur of hot plates, orders and smiles.

"What can I get for you?" I ask a customer without looking up.

"How about that pretty little smile of yours?" comes a sweet voice.

My eyes snap up to meet Cassandra's. She smiles and puts her menu down on the white cloth table. Her dress is peach colored and low-cut with a fur coat hung over the back of her chair. Her smile gets wider as mine disappears completely.

"I can just cut it off your pretty little face." She says arching an eyebrow.

I don't respond my breathing is shallow and my knees are weak. It's taking all of my energy just to stand up.

"Sounds good right?"

I find my voice, "We serve food here."

She sighs, "You're still adorable."

"If you don't want anything, you should just get out." I say dryly.

She narrows her eyes at me, "Now, now, that's no way to talk to your boss."

"You are not my boss." I snap.

"You're right. I just happen to be screwing him. Boy is he mad at you."

"Still singing that old tune?"

"Tsk, tsk. Stop acting like you're in control. You're not."

She grabs my hand and yanks me down into the empty seat beside her. No one seems to notice. To the casual observer it's just a waitress and a patron having a friendly conversation.

"Listen up sweet cheeks," she says gripping my hand under the table-cloth, "You do this little thing for us and you and your little brat get to live."

She's practically crushing my hand under the table, but I can't let it show or pull my hand away from her death grip.

"You have to be a good girl, remember?" She says cheerily tightening her grip on my hand.

I clench my jaw, "What do you want?"

"Me? I personally want you dead. Limp and lifeless in a pool of your own blood, but that's just me. But my needs are trumped by his for now as long as he feels like he needs you and turns out we do. So after your little job is over, wait for me. I'll be parked out front."

She releases my hand and I stand up very shakily and head for the kitchen.

"Oh and Mikan, Bring me an iced tea would you love?" she calls after me.

I go into the locker room and sit on the bench and try to hold myself together. My hand is throbbing and I want to cry, but the tears don't come. I gather my stuff without the use of my hurt hand. Anna comes in and starts chatting about her latest cake experiment. It isn't until she catches a glimpse at my hand that she stops cold turkey.

"Mikan! Your hand!" She practically screams.

"What?" I say pretending not to have noticed, "Oh yeah it got caught in the door."

"Are you okay?!" panic still evident in her eyes.

I shrug, "Yeah I'm fine."

"Mikan it might be broken. Sit down."

She places me on the bench and hurries to the first aid kit hanging on the wall. She sits down next to me and begins bandaging my hand. I lean my head against the wall and allow her to tend to me for a while. I know that in a few minutes I will have to go with Cassandra God knows where and be given orders that I will have to do no matter what.

But could I?

Would I?

What if he wants me to kill or do something that would taint my character? Could I do it in the name of saving Youichi and myself? And if I did would I be able to look him in the eyes afterwards? Anna finishes bandaging my hand and gives me a hug and tells me to be careful. I can almost laugh at her words. Maybe if I were more careful before none of this would be happening now.

When I leave the restaurant there is a navy blue sports car with Cassandra in the driver's seat, sunglasses over her eyes. Wordlessly I get into the passenger seat and she pulls away from the curb.

"You're not as dumb as you look." Is all she says.

I would have a retort for that, but the urge to strangle her is bubbling to the surface of my consciousness. Her blood-red hair is pulled up into a pony-tail pooling over her right shoulder. I just want to grab it and pull with all my strength. Bashing her head on the steering wheel over and over. That would probably kill us both though so I focus on my hand.

"Oh dear, did I hurt your wittle hand?" she taunts.

"Bite me."

"Don't worry hun; you won't need it for what we need you to do. In my opinion you're getting off too easy, but then again if you pull this off we'll be made little girl."

"Pull what off?"

"Now, now eager beaver, all in good time. I have to provide some incentive."

She cuts a sharp right turn, "You strike me as the kind of girl who would welcome death. I mean after all, the life that you were scraping together here is basically over if you misbehave so death would be the easy way out for you. But listen up little girl, you won't die. You're too prideful to kill yourself and besides what would that delicious little lad of yours do without you. The best I can figure it's off to the orphanage for him."

She slams the car to a halt outside the field where a bunch of kids are running around, "We know everything Mikan. What his classes are, what lunch table he sits at, all of his little activities, everything. We know everything about him just like we know everything about you. We'll kill his friends, his teachers, the little trollop that clings to him-,"

"You mean Natsume's sister? Yeah I'm sure that would go over well."

She smirks, "He'll get over it. Just like he'll get over you. The point is Mikan we have ways of spreading suffering. We have ways of turning you into a pariah so no one will associate with or even talk to you. We can do things to you that would make you wish you were dead and we wouldn't even have to touch you. I could rip the pink locks off your little friends head while you watch her scream or maybe I could break her hands so she'll never bake again."

"I haven't done anything wrong what the hell do you want from me."

She backhands me, "I'm talking."

The throbbing in my cheek doesn't stop my words, "Yes but you're not saying anything I don't know already. Why would you even want to go this far? Can't you just sit on your drug empire and leave me the hell alone?"

"Oh sweetie, you're thinking too small. A drug empire gets you in the game, but it doesn't keep you there. You have to keep looking over your shoulder, you have to keep pushing product to make profit, its work sweet pea and I'm not interested in a man who needs a nine to five. We want power, money, the whole shebang and we want it forever."

"Is this the part where I start to care?"

She grabs my hair, "No this is the part where you shut up and listen you little insect. You play you part and do your freaking job or I'm going to drowning you in that little twerp's insides."

I see Youichi kick a ball into the goal and get dog piled by his teammates, "Just tell me what to do."

"That's the spirit." She coos patting my hair.

She digs around in the back seat and pulls out a folder and tosses it into my lap, "Here you go. Our little gift to you. You should be honored it's quite a responsibility."

I open the folder and my stomach drops, "Why?"

"Because only you can do it sweetie."

"You know what I mean."

"She's the missing piece honey. A lot of planning has gone into this and the only way to make our dream come true is if you do this for us. It will be smooth sailing from here."

"I won't."

"Yes you will because you have to. Or we'll kill the boy and isn't he more important?"

"But why? Why this? You don't know-"

"Of course we know honey. That is why we know you're the only one who can do it. You don't start an organization without leverage and this is too delicious to pass up."

"Organization? A yakuza? That's what this is all about. Persona wants to form a yakuza? That's it? That's why I need to-"

"_That's it? _Do you know the most powerful, influential, richest families in Japan are yakuzas? I'm talking every aspect of life little duck. Politians, spokesmen, celebrities, pay days from every person with their fingers in anything damaging. The only problem is getting your name out there and thanks to you, Persona's name will be on everyone's lips, in hushed whispers of course."

Tears are running down my face and I silently curse their betrayal.

Cassandra puts her arm around me, "Don't worry honey, if you pull this off Rei might be so glad that he'll forget all about you and your little life. He might even throw some cash your way."

She passes her fingers through my tears and puts in her mouth, "Mm. They say tears taste salty, but yours…tastes so sweet."

I yank the car door open and throw myself to the concrete making the pages fly everywhere. I can hear Cassandra laughing behind me. The door slams and she speeds off. She might have said something, but I didn't catch it over the hammering my heart is doing against my ribcage. Some things always manage to come around full circle. Maybe its irony, maybe its karma or maybe it's just the universe's way of keeping itself entertained. How can I do this? I don't know but I know that I have to. I have to because it stops after I do. Persona will go away if I do. I have to because Youichi is counting on me. I have to because no matter how much I don't want to, it's the only thing that will keep him safe.

I have to deliver Hotaru Imai.

* * *

><p>I didn't say anything as I sped past Tsubasa at the front desk. He called after me, but I couldn't open my mouth without all my problems and sobs tumbling out. Youichi has a soccer training camp thing today so I can afford to lock myself in the bathroom for a few hours and cry. But when I slide the lock in place on the bathroom door and sit on the edge of the tub, nothing comes out. I find it really odd since less than an hour ago my emotions were beating against the back of my eyelids. And now here I am alone locked in the privacy of my bathroom and I can't squeeze out a drop.<p>

The pages of the file contained pictures of Hotaru, as if I didn't already know what she looks like. It also contained things like her daily schedule and several details about her parents. The last page of the file says where to bring her and when. I have every intention of not going anywhere near there or near Hotaru for that matter. They can watch Hotaru from afar, but with security and her celebrity status they can't just snatch her when they feel like it.

That's why they need me.

In the pocket of my coat there's a familiar humming from my cell phone. Robotically I pull the phone out of my pocket with my eyes trained on dripping faucet. A quick glance at the screen has me wanting to put my head in the toilet bowl. I weigh the consequences of answering versus not answering and decide that not answering will be best.

I slide back into the empty tub and leaving the vibrating phone on the ledge. In the confined space of my bathroom it makes me feel like the entire room is vibrating. I close my eyes and pretend I don't exist inside my vibrating bathtub.

After a minute or so the vibrating ceases and I start to make lists in my head. My dad used to tell me that making lists helps you make sense from nonsense. When life feels out of control just make a lists. When my mom used to make me clean my room, she might as well have asked me to slay a dragon. My dad would find me hiding under my bed, get a piece of construction paper and make a list of everything I had to do. He would kiss my nose and say, "See? No big deal." I would smile and be inspired to get the list finished. Not just for him, but because he believed in me. He believed that I could do anything.

What a joke that turned out to be.

My father never taught me how to conquer a list that keeps growing. Like cutting of the dragon's head only to have two more pop up in its place.

-Run away from home  
>-Find a job<br>-Find a place to live  
>-Get Youichi in school<br>-Take high school equivalency test

Things I had wanted to accomplish and did accomplish only to have a whole new list of things pop up in its place.

-Get out from under Persona's thumb  
>-Keep Youichi safe<br>-Keep everyone safe  
>-Stay away from Natsume…<p>

The last one lingers with me for a bit. Stay away from Natsume, if it were an easy task I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. I'd still be in Persona's clutches because of my own mistakes, but it wouldn't hurt my heart so much that Natsume had practically handed me over. What's worse is that he actually thinks he was sparing me a worse punishment. I can't trust him. I can't trust what Persona has told him about me and I can't trust him with the truth. He knows to a degree what his betrayal has done and if he knew the truth that little piece of him that believes he did the right thing would be gone. On a certain level I think the truth would destroy him.

If I didn't care about him still, I'd do it. I'd tell him every last sordid detail right down to the attempted rape and watch those ruby eyes of his start to burn. I'd unleash a slew of profanities at him and take my fist to him until there was n energy left in my body, but I still want to protect him. I don't know if that makes me stupid or a martyr.

My phone starts to vibrate again shaking some part of me into consciousness. I pick it up and just like it hum in my hand for a bit watching the name blink on the screen with a picture of a beautiful violet eyed girl.

"Yeah?"

"I call and text and all you have to say is 'yeah?'. I don't go through such lengths to talk to people Mikan."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing, I'm just not feeling well."

"Again? What are you a walking disease magnet?"

"Probably. I…I don't think we should see each other for a while. You know until whatever it is clears up."

"I wouldn't want to expose myself to whatever it is you have, but my mother wants you over for dinner."

"I can't," I say too quickly, "I mean it's a stomach thing and I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's appetite."

"Maybe you should go to the doctor. Maybe I can find something of Subaru's-"

"Hotaru, I just can't right now okay? I don't want to see you right now. I'll call you later."

I hang up the phone before she can respond. Listening to her voice was more than a lot to take on. Seeing her in person? Eating dinner with her family would send me straight to the funny farm. I can't do what Persona wants me to do, but was I willing to risk everything else for it? Hotaru is the daughter of the strongest and wealthiest family in Japan second only the the Hyuugas and Persona already has Natsume in his clutches.

Kidnap Hotaru?

Is that even possible?

What does he want me to do?

What Natsume did to me? Distract her while some guy sneaks up behind her and chloroforms her? All the while she's struggling against him looking at me with eyes of hatred and the sting of betrayal? I don't know if I could survive such a look especially from someone who has done so much for me. Hotaru helped me out of my 'the world is a dark cruel place' hole in the ground. She opened my eyes to so many things and she's the only person who has ever been really close to me. She listened to my story from open to close with no judgment in her tone. She listens to my ranting, crying and complaining with the same stoic responses I've come to admire. She never says anything she doesn't mean and despite being what most people call a cold hearted bitch, Hotaru has a lot of love in her heart for her family, and Ruka and even me.

She called because she was worried about me, no doubt, not that she would ever admit it. And what do I do? I shut her down. Maybe staying away from her will guarantee some kind of safety for her, but it won't last. Persona and his little whore will find a way to stir me into action .Anything that can be considered cruel or below the belt is hanging in their arsenal and they have no qualms about using it. They have a whole list of people in my life that they can poke and probe until I do what they say and gentle is nowhere in their vocabulary. Visions of limbs and fingers coming to me in boxes fill my head. Outside I can hear someone knocking on my door. I consider ignoring I, but it might be Tsubasa worrying about me or Misaki with soup or something, but what if it's not?

What if it's Hotaru again?

I practically break my neck stumbling out of the bathroom to my front door. I throw the door open ready to apologize profusely when it's not Hotaru, but someone I even more unprepared to deal with.

"What do you want?" I ask

"I want you to stop being a stupid little child and come to terms with this." He says strolling into my apartment.

"Come to terms? What are you? My spirit guide into the realm of all things unholy?" I reply slamming the door.

He sighs, "I don't understand what you're so pissy about."

"Where do you want me to start? With how stupid you are or how much you screwed up my life?"

"_I _screwed up your life? I'm trying to help you." He says casting a glare at me.

I don't back down, "Well maybe you shouldn't."

"Is this about the girlfriend thing or the kiss? You're acting crazier than usual." He flops down on the couch.

I could kill him, "No, this is a 'you stabbed me in the back and I never want to see your face or hear your voice' thing. I'm not being crazy because at the end of the day it doesn't matter why you did it, you still did it."

He doesn't bother to reply.

"It's not just your life anymore. It's mine and it's Youichi's. You can't play the hero dressed as a villain. I think you need to leave."

He gets to his feet, "Why? Because you don't know how to say thank you."

"Thank you for what? For delivering me to the one person in this world that I hate with a shiny red bow on my head? Or maybe I should thank you for being one of the people I've allowed myself to trust and then betray me?"

"How can you say you trust me when you didn't even tell me the truth?"

There goes that word again: truth. How can I stand here lecturing him about betrayal when he doesn't even know the whole story, the whole truth? What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of him doing something stupid and getting us all killed, that's true, but that's not the root of my fear. Everything is tainted now with Natsume's betrayal: every kiss, every touch, every tender moment, and every heart skip. Everything between the two of us is coated in doubt and uncertainty. But was it ever pure to begin with? By not telling Natsume the truth since that first kiss, I have already caused a veil to be thrown over whatever we had. I kept telling myself it's to protect him, but maybe I was being selfish.

I just wanted a normal life. I wanted to cling to a fantasy that someone could want me. Some good looking, well sought-after guy could actually be…enamored with me. I liked it. More than I could ever have admitted to myself. And now here he is with his crimson eyes piercing through me. Behind them I can see his uncertainty like he knows I'm holding back. I haven't admitted to anything, not Persona's lies and I haven't claimed the truth. I don't want to. I want Natsume to be safe. I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing, but standing here in this room several steps from where our last kiss took place I feel sick to my stomach.

How could I tell him?

It's not like how it was with Hotaru. Hotaru did not ask for truth, she demanded it with her words, with her presence, with her own brutal honesty. Hotaru has never pretended with me she's always been 100% herself: terrifying, cold stare, and icy tone. Natsume has always been wrapped in mystery. The guy at the bar with the low gaze, the handsome stranger novels are written about. I never did understand the appeal until I faced him and even though every fiber of my body wanted me to run, I couldn't. I was rooted, called back to the flame like the stupid moth I was.

_Am_

"You're right. I don't trust you. I trust you with Youichi to keep him out of trouble. I trust you not to do anything to me without my permission, but I still don't trust you. I didn't want you to drag me into your mess when I had my own and now everything is a big mess and I realize that I was right not to trust you. You didn't just betray me, you broke my heart over and over again. You want me to be honest with you about everything when you've been honest about nothing? We're two people dancing around each other hoping not to set off any landmines. What are we thinking? Did we actually think this could work? Or maybe you did since it was all just secret rendezvous to you, but it wasn't to me. I was burning. Every time I was with you, I was burning. But I can't. I can't love someone like that. I can't love someone who makes me want to die. I have too much to live for."

He stands there mere inches from me and doesn't move. He could reach out and touch me. He could pull me in and kiss me, but he doesn't. He just stands in front of me unsure of himself. I can feel the tears start to slide down my face. I'm crying because there is no going back, not that there ever was. But I was so focused on Youichi and my new life that I never really thought about Natsume and me. Whatever we had, whatever could have been is now gone forever. Like a candle that has been melted down and completely burned out, we could never go back to the way we were.

I never wanted to love him. I had a secret desire where I wanted him to want me and I wanted to want him, but loving him was not on my to-do list. But somewhere among the late night study sessions, the hanging out, the pecks, the subtle touches, and the hitch in my breath on eye contact, something happened. I tripped and fell and somehow winded up in love.

And it hurts.

Realizing these kinds of feelings is supposed to be wonderful. You're supposed to run into their arms and squeeze them, you're supposed to kiss them over and over again and have them say it back to you. You're supposed to be happy.

But all I feel is misery. Even though he's standing right in front of me deciphering my words, hearing what I'm saying, I can't touch him. I just want him away from me. He has to be away from me. I have to figure out how to save Youichi and myself and keep Hotaru out of danger. I don't have time for this. There will never be time for this.

He breaks the silence, "Isn't it supposed to be?"

"What?"

"Loving someone is supposed to hurt." He clarifies.

"Are you completely mental? Loving someone should be nice and warm and wonderful."

"You just described a pastry."

I sigh in frustration, "I'm not kidding Natsume."

"Neither I am. You love me and it hurts."

"I-,"

"You can't make it stop. You want to be in control of everything, but you can't. Look where it's gotten you. Maybe it's not me you don't trust maybe it's yourself. How else could you have fallen for someone like me?"

He leaves the apartment, not even bothering to close the door behind him. I slam the door shut and collapse in a crying mess on the couch. My whole body racked with sobs. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to have simple things that ordinary people take for granted every day. But somehow I've managed to mess everything up. I wanted a friend and got a stoic princess who is now in danger just for associating with me. I wanted love and got a prince who sets every inch of me ablaze. I wanted freedom and wound up leading the devil straight to me. It's like I'm learning the steps to a dance and I'm so focused on getting the moves right that I'm knocking everything over.

Maybe it is me that I don't trust. I have a good reason not to. I have failed at everything so far with flying colors I might add. I'm soaking the couch cushion I can feel it. Youichi will be home any minute and I cannot let him see me this way. I force myself off the couch and into the bathroom. I take a shower and try to clear my head.

Being emotional and throwing a tiff won't solve anything. I have to detach myself. I think that's how Natsume has managed to keep his double life afloat. If you pretend to be someone else, you can make yourself see things differently. Clad in only a towel, I flip the cushion stained with my tears over to its other side and rush to the bedroom to get dressed. As I pull my jacket over my shoulders I hear the turn of Misaki's spare key in the door.

"We're back!" She announces as she thrusts the door open.

"Hey!" I greet as cheerily as possible emerging from the bedroom. Youichi is covered in mud and plops on the floor to pry off his cleats.

"He was amazing out there. So quick and not afraid to get down and dirty. A total soldier, you would have been proud." Misaki laughs.

"I wish I could've been there."

"Don't worry it wasn't a real game, but boy are those little kids fierce."

"Youichi why don't you go take a shower. You're filthy." I say patting his mud cake hair.

He disappears into the bathroom and soon I hear the water running. Misaki went to the kitchen and started to pull leftovers out of the fridge.

"Misaki I have to go out." I say after a moment.

"Okay. I'll just stay here till you get back."

"Yeah thanks, but listen lock the door after me and don't open it for anybody."

There's a pause as she arches an eyebrow at me, "What's going on Mikan?"

I shake my head, "Nothing I just have to do something."

She looks at me for another long moment, "Okay, but don't take too long."

I grab my keys and phone off the counter. As I step out into the chilly night air I hit the redial button on my phone.

"Hotaru? Can you meet me somewhere?"

About a half an hour later I'm sitting inside the Cheshire café sipping hot chocolate out of a large purple mug with a pink cat tail for a handle. I trail my finger around the rim trying to steady my trembling hands. Calling Hotaru was dumb and reckless, but necessary. The fact of the matter is that I can't do this alone.

"You refuse a dinner invitation and then expect me to just meet you. How pretentious." Hotaru says sitting down.

She sweeps her bangs out of her eyes and casts a cold stare at me. Her feelings are hurt I can tell, not that she would admit it. Hotaru and I have a weird bond that in this stage of our friendship borderlines telepathy. Her snarky tone, arms folded over her chest, legs uncrossed is a posture she uses mostly on Ruka. It usually means she's mad, but willing to hear what you have to say. She's definitely in the frame of mind to give you a hard time about it though.

"I'm sorry about before. I was just-,"

Suffering from temporary insanity?" She suggests.

"Yeah something like that." I reply.

A waitress sets down another hot chocolate on the table, "Did you and Natsume have another fight? Your squabbling is constant."

"I think Natsume and I are done fighting."

"Did you confess? Between watching you fight or watching you suck face I prefer the former. At least your fighting doesn't make me want to hurl."

"No Hotaru, Natsume and I are just…done."

She's takes a sip from her mug, "Is that what all your hysterics are about? I'm sure you'll be back to smooching in stairways in no time."

"How did you-,"

"Mikan I'm not an idiot. Quite the contrary if you haven't noticed."

I press my mug between my hands to warm them, "I know. Lately everything has been so…complicated. I don't even know where to begin to make sense of it. It's like I don't know how I got here."

"Start at the beginning." She states simply.

"Huh?"

"My mother always says that if you get lost, you should start from the beginning."

"I would not want to relive my life Hotaru."

"Just turn back the clock in your mind. It's not that hard."

"It's impossible."

So many actions to sift through, so many memories to recall, how can I even begin to find myself. And if I don't know where I am, how am I supposed to go forward?

"Only you believe."

I look up at her slightly startled. To hear the exact words from my dream come out of her mouth gives me a weird sense déjà vu. She just sits across from me calmly sipping from her mug. It always takes me by surprise how royal and elegant Hotaru looks. Even in jeans and a simple pale blue cardigan she holds herself with a sense of dignity. How did she ever come to be friends with someone like me? Someone who can put her in danger? But if she's here with me with lots of people around nothing can happen to her.

I can't let anything happen to her.

"This chocolate is too thick. Let's go."

Before I could argue she rises out of her chair leaving a bill on the table. I hurry after her tugging my jacket around myself. The sidewalk is full of people bustling around talking on cell phones or to each other. I match my stride with Hotaru's because of the crowded street she had to park further down from the café. I force myself to walk normally and stop shifting my eyes from person to person trying to seek out potential threats. We're miles away from the place that I was supposed to willing take Hotaru and there are tons of people around.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider the scenario. Me leading Hotaru to some deserted place so that Reo can tie her up and Persona can make threatening calls to her father, sending her mother into a panic, forcing Subaru and Shizune from overseas and bringing panic and fear into that fortress. They'd submit to his demands because Hotaru is precious. They will submit because the life of their child has no price. Persona can take what he wants and even when he's done that he will take more as is his nature.

I can't do it. This is what I am certain of.

The dull pain in my hand that I have buried in my pocket reminds me of their cruelty, warns me of things that have yet to pass, but I will fight because I am tired.

I'm tired of running and I'm tired of being afraid. I can't win I know that, but I will fall to my enemies only in battle. I have to believe that everything will be okay as long as I am true to those who need me.

A hand in mine gives me a feeling of warmth I turn and expect Hotaru's stoic expression to match her silent gesture, but instead I meet the grinning eyes of Persona's left hand.

"Reo." I gasp.

I search around for Hotaru, but the sidewalk is empty of her. Reo leads me through the crowd where I see a familiar car idling. In the driver seat is a bulky man I don't recognize in the passenger seat is Hotaru sitting calmly staring straight ahead. Reo puts me in the back seat and gets in after me slamming the door. The entire exchange is so fast, so calm, so calculated that it's hard to believe that it is actually happening. In a matter of minutes they were able to spot us and get us into the car. I went quietly only because I was crippled with fear for Hotaru, but why did she not call out? Even in this type of situation with strange men and ominous air she continues to be almost ethereal.

"I thought you ladies would never stop talking." Reo says as we pull away from the curb.

"What are you doing?"

"Just following orders. Just like you."

"But I didn't-,"

"Oh but you did. The boss knew you wouldn't go about things in a traditional way. All he needed was the two of you alone and we do the rest."

"I didn't expect it to be so easy." The driver says.

"I did. With patience all things are possible. Now we just get you girls back to him and all of this will be over before you know it."

"Hotaru-,"

"Shut up Mikan." She cuts me off.

Reo chuckles, "What can you say? You served her up to save your own skin?"

His laughter is cruel and his words painfully true. Without my knowledge I had done exactly what Persona wanted. My flesh begins to crawl accompanying the horrifying thought that Persona may know me on a basic level. He knows that I have a good heart and would not willingly do something so awful so he had to trick me.

"Let's keep you two separate, wouldn't want a catfight." Reo laughs.

The car ride is long. I expect they're going to take us back to the mansion in the middle of nowhere. The dull hum of music on the radio fills my head and I try to think, try to breathe, try to do anything that can help.

What can I do?

By the time we pull up to the old warehouse where once upon a time Hotaru and I had followed Natsume trying to make sense of his lack thereof. They usher us out and into the building where the wind makes it moan into the night air. I expected guards with guns patrolling the area. I expected them to throw us in a cage. I expected to be frightened, crying, kicking, and screaming. The tameness of it all, the certainty of our shuffling feet into this abandoned building that there is no hope. They don't need guns or guards or to tape our mouths. There is no point. They've already won. Who will come to the aid of these two girls? No one is even looking for us and by the time they even think to look for us it will be done. Persona will have what he wants. He would have won.

Once inside, the driver ties Hotaru to a chair binding her hands behind her back. I don't warrant a chair so Reo just ties me to a beam that holds the building up. The lack of shoving and rough grabbing is nice, but he makes sure the ropes are especially tight. Maybe he went to a hostage treatment seminar or maybe he was given explicit orders not to harm the merchandise.

Once we're secured Reo makes a phone call and the driver pulls out a gun and turns it over in his hands. Hotaru has her eyes closed as if she's about to utter a prayer or maybe even start to cry.

"Hotaru," I whisper making sure the goons can't hear me, "I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I thought I was protecting you. I was just going to stay away from you, but I couldn't stand hurting you so I thought that if-,"

"Mikan shut up." She whispers back not even opening her eyes.

"I know you don't want to talk to me. I know you probably hate me, but I care about you so much and I never wanted any of this. If I could go back and go to some other place or town and keep you out of all of this I would. Please don't hate me Hotaru, please. You're the only person who has ever really known me and accepted me and I just love you so much. You're my best friend, but you're more than that you're my sister and if I could just…"

But I don't think she's listening. She doesn't open her eyes or look at me once. Even with tears streaming down my face, she doesn't stir. I settle into quiet sobbing.

Reo continues his phone conversation outside and the driver turns his eyes to us. He strolls over to Hotaru and circles her.

"I've heard about you," he starts, "You're supposed to be a genius. A natural marvel to us average folks. But it's all crap. You're just some spoiled rich brat with too much time on her hands. No look at you. At my mercy. Society told me I was nothing, yet I have the genius Imai Hotaru in my clutches. Look at me bitch!"

Hotaru doesn't flinch or move and I fear he might really strike her in his sudden, ignorant rage.

"Why don't you back off you big oaf? She doesn't have to look at you to see that you're nothing. Some pathetic high school dropout with nothing better to do." I say.

"You little-,"

He lifts his hand to strike me, but Reo reenters and he catches himself.

"How are our little hostages?" Reo asks.

The driver scoffs and stalks off. Reo just shrugs and lights a cigarette.

He releases a plume of smoke from his nostrils and grins at us, "Well girlies phase one is complete. Thank you for your cooperation. Soon we'll blow this town and Persona will make a rather important phone call."

"Blow this town?"

"Well we can't exactly stay in the city can we? The bad guys say 'no cops' and yet somehow there will always be cops. So we have to lock you away where no one can find you at least till it's all over."

"All over? This will never be all over." I grumble.

"Sure it will. Papa Imai just has to hand over some small companies, some real estates, couple million in stocks and wah-la and madam 'no-emotions' is free to go."

"What about me?" I ask resentfully.

"I don't think he's done with you just yet."

The door slams causing all of us to jump. Cassandra casts Reo a dark glance before turning it to me. Her black boots click all the way across the floor on her way over to us. Her all leather outfit makes her look like catwoman and much like a cat she walks her natural sultry walk towards us.

"No he's not. Can't have you running off to the police or doing something stupid. I'm not happy that you couldn't follow directions."

She grabs my hair roughly and brings her face close to mine, "But seeing how Rei anticipated your disobedience I guess it's just as well. It tickles me to know that you didn't see it coming."

"Been drinking have we?" is my response.

She just smiles and releases me, "Oh honey you know I could kick your ass all over this room, but we're so close to the big payoff not even your disgusting face can't ruin my mood."

Hotaru who has opened her eyes and is taking in her surroundings in short glances opens her mouth, "You're an idiot."

Cassandra turns a confused glance at Hotaru, "Pardon?"

"I. D. I. O. T. Does your brain not even function on a basic level? My father won't hand over anything to some penniless prick."

Cassandra pulls a knife out of a holder in his boot, "He'll just need a little persuasion. Maybe if he receives bits of you in the mail, he'll reconsider."

"Anything you do to me will be done to you ten-fold you urchin." Hotaru says completely undeterred.

Cassandra presses the knife to Hotaru's collar bone, "And who's going to do it I wonder? You? Your little friend over there?"

She straddles Hotaru's legs and smiles, "You think I'm scared of you? Of your family? Their power? I'm not. I envy you. Never having to struggle, everything handed to you on a silver platter."

She trails the knife delicately along Hotaru's pale skin, "So delicate and fragile. You should really consider being afraid of me sweetie. Bargaining chip or not, there is a lot I can do to you that will hurt like hell."

"I considered being afraid of you, but it didn't suit my personality. I do not fear morons, I hire them."

This direct jab is not loss on me, but delivered with Hotaru's trademark stoicism it's hard to decipher what emotion may be laying underneath it. Cassandra rises to her feet and slips the knife back into its holder. Reo who has been watching the entire exchange with attentiveness. He straightens up as she walks past him. Several headlights pass the windows and I guess our traveling caravan is here. Several moments later Hotaru and I are untied and moved from the warehouse into separate black SUV's. Cassandra gets in after me and slams the door shut. I'm not too happy about our proximity, but I rather have her with me than with Hotaru.

Pointy knife and all

"What do you think Mikan? Will the big fish bite?" she asks me.

I don't bother to respond. Hotaru's father is known for being a hard man in business which is why he's so good at it. But I know that his family is important to him. I remember how he smiled at Subaru and Shizune at their wedding and how he beams at his wife at the dinner table. I'm sure he will give anything to have Hotaru returned safely.

"Because you know if he doesn't we won't have anything to do except to take or frustrations out on the two of you. And you know how I get when I'm frustrated. I'm not worried though. Hotaru's a gem we couldn't have picked anyone better."

She leans her head against the back of the leather seat and sighed in content. She stayed that way for the rest of the car ride all the way to a deserted train station.

Since my hands aren't bound I use my pinky to grab hold of the loop attached to the edge of the knife in her boot. As she gets out of the car the knife slides smoothly out of its holder and I slip it into my pocket. They already took our phones and keys so there would be no reason for them to check us again.

Cassandra pulls me out of the car behind her and hauls me onto the platform. Behind us several armed men escort Hotaru onto the platform without touching her. She's been very accommodating throughout this ordeal. I don't know if it's because she's not worried or because she has too much class to react in an unsightly way.

Either way she's the picture of poise. The train station is one of those outdoor platforms with a small office attached to purchase tickets. When the said we were going to blow this town I thought Reo meant moving a town over, but I guess that wouldn't make much sense. If you're going to kidnap a chairman's daughter you might as well flee the country.

"Where are you taking us?" I ask.

"Does it matter? You're just going to go on a little train ride till everything is worked out." Cassandra replies.

Another SUV pulls up and Natsume gets out of the backseat as Persona gets out of the passenger side. Seeing them together gives me a uncomfortable roll in my stomach. I look to Hotaru for reaction upon seeing Natsume, but she just continues to be as blank as ever.

"Miss Imai! So glad you can join us. I do hope my crew has made your stay comfortable."

"Quite." She replies.

"You see that Mikan? A girl with manners is almost a rare species in this day and age." Persona says turning his grin toward me.

"I guess that concussion you gave me when I was sixteen must've knocked my manners loose."

His grin fades, "I'll give you more than that if you don't shut up."

Natsume looks between the two of us and I realized I should've kept my mouth shut. The cracks in Persona's story are starting to let the truth peek through. I don't meet his eyes in case they might betray me.

"Boss train's coming." Reo announces.

The train pulls into the station and rolls to a stop. They load Hotaru and I into different cars. Natsume goes with Persona and Cassandra into a separate car closer to the front. Several guards get into each car with guns at the ready.

I take a seat by the window and let my mind wander. Youichi's probably in bed right now. He has a math test tomorrow and I hope Misaki remembered to go over his fractions. I'm sure she remembered because despite being like a big sister most of the time she is very motherly. Speaking of mothers I wonder if mine is really wasting away in some rehab center or decaying in that old house. Maybe she's dead. A part of me hopes that she isn't because the guilt would be unbearable, but another small fraction of myself thinks it's the best alternative.

As the train doors slide close and we begin to move I wonder if I will make it back from this trip. I finger the blade in my pocket. Cassandra hasn't realized that it's gone, but what am I going to do with it? Stab one of these large men brandishing a semi-automatic weapon? I wouldn't get two feet before they gunned me down. But feeling the cool metal in my hand gives me small comfort like I can fight back if someone were to approach me.

"I need the other cars secure in case of stowaways." Comes Natsume's voice.

My blood turns to ice in my veins as they converse somewhere behind me. The heavy thump of boots disappears through the car doors and there is silence. I think that I am alone, but that would be too much to ask for in this situation.

"Comfy?" He says sitting down across from me.

"Quite." I respond trying to keep my tone icy.

"I didn't know you were going to be here."

"There's a lot you don't know."

"Stopped loving me yet?" he asks.

"My blinding hatred of you in this moment is unparalleled to any delusion I thought I may have felt for you in the past."

"No more trying to save me then?"

I scoff, "No more trying to save you. I don't even want to look at you."

"Shame. I was just kind of getting into it."

"You are such a bastard. I'll die here tonight I'm sure, but I just want you to know what a prick I think you are."

"You think I'll let him kill you?"

I roll my eyes, "You still think you're holding cards at this poker table? Persona may keep you for your name, but other than that you have no power here. As soon as he wants me dead, I'm dead. I'm going to protect my best friend."

He laughs dryly, "So you can sell her out and you're still friends, but when I do it I'm the devil."

"I didn't do it on purpose! He tricked me. I would never have taken Hotaru to that location. I was going to sever ties with her completely, but I couldn't and he bet on that."

"And won."

"Obviously." I mutter gazing out the window.

"Mik-,"

"Do _not _say my name. You don't get to say my name ever again."

"Tell me why Persona is really after you. Why does he want you so bad? Just tell me the truth."

I turn my gaze back to him, "You really want to know?"

He just stares at me in silence.

"Fine! When I was fifteen years old a man showed up to my house. He claimed to be my mother's new boyfriend, but he wasn't a boyfriend. He was a drug head supplier who needed a placed to crash and a body to screw. After he started to make a little money from his product we moved into a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Four walls that felt like steel bars. Trapped in a caged with a monster that started to strike whenever the mood took him. I stayed. I had reasons to. I stayed for my mother, I stayed for this little boy who didn't talk that I barely knew. But even with his mouth sewn shut I could hear him screaming. So I stayed. I went out into the world with a smile on my face and a spring in my step because the world outside was a much safer place. I didn't have friends. I had people I talked to, but never friends. They scratched the wall that I had built around myself, but they could not break through to me. I stayed. For three years I stayed, but there was nothing I could do but watch as my life decayed into nothing. When my father died I thought it was the worse day of my life, but losing someone you love is only the beginning of the pain. Before you know it someone comes to feed on your pain and they won't let you even touch happiness. What could I do?

"I could only stare at the ceiling and wait for the throbbing to subside. I told myself it would get better, but it only got worse. Swinging fists turned to grabbing hands and I hadn't even conceived for one second that there could be something worse than physical beatings that he could do to me, but when his gaze changed in that drunken haze I felt the mood shift and I knew there were worse things than fists falling on my body. He could fight his way between my thighs that he had started to look upon with a man's eyes as if he had just realized I was a woman. I couldn't stay. My mother was so strung out. Youichi had bruises and cuts and scars and I could only fight him off for so long. I didn't want to become so broken that I would just lay there beneath him like my mother would. I couldn't have him touching me. Seeing my skin with those evil eyes of his. So after a beating that left my living room in shambles and a five year old in an unconscious heap on the floor I rose up and needed to get out. I packed, I stole, I ran, I squatted, I hustled to make a new living, a new start in a place I hoped to call home with people I hoped to call friends and you-,"

I just stared at him for a moment, "Someone I hoped to call lover. Someone who would hold me and make me feel safe. I was beaten, I was bent in ways that made me scream till my throat was raw, but I wasn't broken because I pressed on. I did not let my tragedy define me. I would not lay there and welcome my death like my mother so I went to escape. I went through the struggle to emerge from the darkness. Shaken and numb and barely any fight left in me, but I had to risk the possibility that I might drown in my tears trying to get to where I wanted to be. A surge went through me and I had a purpose being here: to tame the life that I had let run wild and reach for something better. To go where I had not been before. In a place where lips could fall on mine and feel so good and falling into the consumption of a roaring flame I didn't trust but welcomed all the same. Completely blind as the burn begun to spread everywhere and suddenly I was lost. Like I hit my head and woke up in a trap that you laid out for me. How could you?"

"I didn't know."

"You didn't know…I didn't tell you because I was scared. I didn't want to be that girl who overshares and tries to get sympathy. I wanted you to want me not to want to fix me, but I failed. I wish I could take it back and erase it all but I can't. My bruises have faded, broken bones have healed, but what you did to my heart…You didn't know about all of this, but you knew how I felt and you still…"

My sentence trails off and I'd been fighting the crack in my voice, but the tears have won over me and begin to fall, "A part of me wanted to protect you. I didn't want you to feel like you had done something so awful, but I know now that protecting people is just an illusion when you try to do it with words. It's just pretty lies you tell or secrets you keep to save yourself from dealing with the whole situation. I've accepted the fact that I will die here, but Hotaru won't. How can you even look Ruka in the eye after this? I never believed you were a bad person. I wanted to, to keep you from getting close, but even that didn't work. I know you're more than this, but I can't wait for you."

He leans forward and places his hand on my knee. He opens his mouth to say something, but I take his lowered guard as an opportunity to take the knife from my pocket and stab it into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." I say as he leans back in the seat holding his shoulder.

I shoot out of my seat and run to the dividing doors. I slide the door open and stand on the landing between the two cars. My heart is thumping in my ears reminding me that I just stabbed Natsume, but I can't go soft now. I told myself I would save Hotaru no matter what and I will. I slide the opposite door open and step cautiously into the car. It's a passenger car with rows of empty seats. I walk across the car, ignoring the blood dripping down the blade. I make it to the end and pass through the door quietly. In the next car I can see guards with guns standing in the center aisle between the booths in the dining car.

There's about three of them and there is no way I'm getting through them with Cassandra's knife. One of the guys puts a hand to his ear and says something to himself and then to the other men. They start taking long strides toward me. I double back into the passenger car and go under the seat. The thumping of their boots as they storm right past my head is deafening. As the back door slides close I pull myself for under the seat go to the dining car.

Hotaru is sitting across from one of the guards facing my direction. He doesn't seem to notice my entrance and chats with her as if they are friends.

"I just think you're one of the more attractive captives we've had. I'm not just saying that because you're rich, but you and me that could work."

"Be still my heart." She mutters.

"Come on, it's not like you're going to have plenty of options. Why not a man who takes charge?"

"If I wanted to be with a criminal I'd settle for no less than the son of a head mafia leader with international ties and stocks worth billions. Not some troll with a gun strapped to his hand and no sense."

He laughs, "Baby I am a killer with cat-like reflexes. I could take out this whole train."

"Oh really?"

"Hell yeah."

I hold the knife to his throat like I've seen in too many movies, "Sorry that job is taken."

"But we were just getting to know each other." Hotaru mocks.

"I'm sure you would have made a lovely couple, but I'm feeling a little homicidal right now."

"Yes, I can tell by the blood that's already on the knife. How many did you get?"

"Five or six. I can't really say everything just kind of goes blank when there's a sharp object in my hand."

"W-w-w-wait a minute! We can resolve this peacefully I don't want to hurt you."

"The only thing that's going to get resolved is how many decades you and your buddies are going to do in the big house when I get through with you."

Hotaru takes the ear piece and communicator from him and picks up the gun he has left carelessly leaning against the booth.

"What should I do with him?"

"I would say kill him, but I'll settle for this." She says as she hits him in the face with the butt of the gun.

His head hits the table with a loud thump. Hotaru turns her gaze to me and for a second I find myself waiting for the sharp pain of a gun to the face, but it doesn't come.

"What the hell took you so long?" she asks.

"I'm sorry. There are way too many guards." I say.

"Well it looks like you got one of them." She says gesturing to the knife.

"No it's Natsume's."

"Oh. And here I thought you guys were just interested in making out. I assumed that's why you were taking forever."

"No. I think that me stabbing in the shoulder has taken that already derailed train poured gasoline on it and set it on fire." I reply.

"Can't deal with that now. Let's go."

"Go where?"

"That lunatic is about to call my father and negotiate some sort of hostile takeover. The only person getting richer instantaneously is me."

I roll my eyes, "But of course. Forget that or lives are in danger and what not."

"About what you said earlier…"

I swallow a lump in my throat, "I didn't think you were listening."

"I was and I want you to know that that was the sappy most pathetic thing I had ever heard."

"I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"That I gathered on my own. Aside from being an idiot you are a good person. Besides I anticipated something like this would happen."

"You did?"

"After you told me about your past I did a little research."

"You didn't believe me?"

"I like to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Besides I thought that if that Saoto guy was going to do his homework, I'd better make sure there was nothing for him to find."

"So you knew who Persona was?"

"Yeah. So burn out loser with OCD and a history of minor drug offenses and assault charges. I didn't think anything of it and simply erased anything that could tie him to you or Youichi which wasn't hard since there's nothing legal between any of you. Then I started to notice cars following you, but not just you, everyone you had ever talked to was being watched. That's when I realized this Persona character must be up to something to help elevate his pitiful standings. I took precautions."

"Precautions?"

She grabs my arm and pulls me through the dining car and into the final car of the train. I expected more guards, but the car lay bare of everything except for three slump bodies on the floor and a blonde haired boy checking his cell phone with the light illuminating his chiseled features and crystal blue eyes.

"Ruka?"

* * *

><p><em>Turns out this particular chapter has been done for weeks, but I got so caught up with work I forgot to upload it. <em>

_Whoops ^_^_

_Lots of Love_

_Chi*_


	21. Wayward

_Hello minna-san,_

_Thank you so much for your constant patience and support. I love reading your reviews from the threatening and crazy to the well-thought out and insightful. You guys give me so much hope that maybe one day I can publish a real novel._

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 21: Wayward<strong>

_Ruka…Ruka is here…Right now…On this train…_

Suddenly everything seems distorted as if I just realized that my entire life has been a cosmic joke where everyone, but me, knows the punch line. He smiles at me, but takes Hotaru into his arms. He holds her there for a moment, letting his mask slip revealing how worried he was about her. She allows him a temporary embrace before putting distance between them.

"I'm so glad you guys are alright." He says breathlessly.

I shake my head a bit, "Ruka…I don't understand."

"Well Hotaru has been telling me about the weirdness surrounding you. She was really worried, so I followed you both to the café and then suddenly these strange guys just put you in a car. Then I saw the gun he was holding behind you Mikan and I tried to call Natsume, but he didn't pick up."

I don't recall feeling a gun behind me, but it must have been why Hotaru went so quickly and quietly. She was worried about me and as I looked at her face I can see traces of it behind her eyes.

"I followed you guys all the way to that warehouse, but I figured that that was just a temporary location and I couldn't get you out safely if there were any other guys lurking in the woods. Then I followed you to the train station and stowed away in here and knocked out those creeps as they came in. I think they wanted a smoke break back here." He explained.

Hotaru rolls her eyes, "Dumb luck. They could've killed you easily."

"But they didn't and I couldn't just leave you." He reasons.

"You could've called the police."

"And say what? 'Help my girlfriend and her friend have been kidnapped by muscle-y men with guns?' After everything you told me I didn't think getting the police involved would have been smart. Then again I'm beginning to feel like you haven't told me everything."

"You didn't need to know."

It's Ruka's turn to roll his eyes, "Here we go again. Really Hotaru? If I don't tell you about a dentist appointment, you flip out."

"I do not 'flip out' Nogi."

Ruka sighs in frustration, "Whatever."

"Guys," I interject, "I don't mean to butt in, but we are still on a train with people who want to kill us."

"Kill you two maybe. Persona needs me very much alive." Hotaru clarifies.

I ignore her very good pint, "Ruka you can't take out all those guards by yourself."

"We should find Natsume." Ruka says quickly.

I brush off his suggestion, "The guards probably already found him and are searching for us. Hotaru is right they will definitely kill us."

Ruka sets his jaw, "We have to get Natsume and get off this train."

"Natsume is one of them." I blurt out in frustration.

Ruka is taken aback, "How can you say that?"

"I know it's hard to accept, I didn't want to either, but it's true. I wouldn't have stabbed him otherwise." I say.

"You _stabbed_ him?"

Hotaru takes his arm, "Nogi-,"

He violently yanks away from her, "No! You stabbed my best friend? How could you do that?"

I take an instinctive step backwards, "I told you! He is one of them and I had to get away. I had to save Hotaru."

"None of this would be happening if it wasn't for you!" He barks.

"Ruka! Stop!" Hotaru yells.

"No Hotaru it's okay." I turn a glare towards him, "You're right, none of this would be happening if I didn't come here and get involved with all of you. None of this would be happening if I wasn't here, but you know what? I am and it is. And I can't do anything about that now except try to get us out of here alive."

He continues to glare at me, but he turns away with a huff as Hotaru takes his phone from his jacket pocket, "She's right. We don't have time for this."

"What are we going to do?" I ask.

"We need to get the hell off this train." She says.

There's a rattle as the train goes around a curve, "They don't know that Ruka is here. If we can move through the cars and take out the guards a few at a time, we can make it to Persona's car." I deduce.

"Take them out?" Hotaru repeats.

"Not kill them of course, but you seem pretty good at hitting people in the face with that thing." I say gesturing to the semi-automatic weapon hanging over her shoulder.

She shrugs, "We should probably just kill them."

"Hotaru we can't kill them. They're just goons- people with nothing better to do. They wouldn't have the balls to do any of this if they weren't so scared of Persona. We just have to knock them out."

"Let's go before this train gets to wherever it's going." Ruka announces.

The three of us start making our way to the front of the train expecting dozens of guards in every passing car, but so far nothing. As we reenter the car where I was being kept and the scene of Natsume's stabbing, I'm beginning to get the feeling that this is a little too easy.

Where is everyone?

Where is Natsume?

"Am I the only freaking out?" I whisper.

I can feel Hotaru's eyes roll behind me, "Yes."

"I'm just saying I thought we would meet with a little more resistance."

"They can't kill me and Persona's not going to let those idiots risk it. They're probably all waiting for us to get to the front of this train. They're going to kill Ruka that Cassandra chick will slice your face off and I will be forced to negotiate with a maniac."

"You're probably right, but we can't risk it. Hotaru take this and give me the gun"

I hand her the knife put the gun strap over my shoulder. The hardest part about improvisation is not knowing how you're going to portray your character. It's not scripted, the plot hasn't been devised, and you haven't had any character background given to you. That's how it is on stage anyway. Improv in real life is a whole lot scarier. A misstep can cost you a lot more than deducted points in a theater class. As I let my feet guide me through the cable car with my sweaty hands wrapped around the gun strap, I try to push myself out of my body.

Maybe if I watch the scene that is about to unfold from a safe distance, I can make a better judgment call. Whenever I was on stage or up at the podium I'd pretend to be someone else: an award winning actress, a professional speechmaker. Someone important. Someone who has spent their entire life preparing for the moment about to play out before them. I was some shell of a girl constantly pretending as I went about my daily routines. I dodged questions, danced around topics and told so many lies, I started to believe myself. Being out of my own body is a coping mechanism that allows me to deal by making the situation less real.

I'm just playing a part. The role of girl who knows how to hold and fire a gun, a girl who can slay her demons without breaking a sweat or batting an eyelash, but as I try to sever the connection to my physical body as I have done before, it seems my ability to do so has left me. The fear and pain that I have felt over these last few years is swelling up inside me cementing me to my body. Flashes of painful memories burn inside my chest and it is as if I am reliving them all at the same time.

"Open the door Hotaru." I say pointing the gun to the doorway.

Ruka holds her arm, "Maybe I should go first."

"No it has to be Hotaru." I say.

"She's right they won't shoot me. They need me alive." Hotaru agrees.

Ruka narrows his eyes at me, "There are plenty of places they can shoot you and you can still be alive Hotaru."

"They won't risk it." Is her response.

He turns to me, "You just want to use her as a shield to save your own skin. I know you're scared, but there is a better way."

"Ruka I really don't have time for this. You're angry and frustrated, confused and you don't know what the hell you're doing, but I have news for you: none of us do. We're all running around like chickens sans the heads. That man- that _thing _in there is the one holding all the chips. We have to go in there. So do you want to walk in or do you want to wait for them to come out here and drag you in?"

He doesn't answer me.

"At least this way you can have some dignity." Hotaru snaps before opening the door loudly.

Hotaru enters the first class travel car with precise movements that I mimic as I follow behind her. I can't see Ruka's expression as he follows behind us, but I can feel him trying to bore a hole into the back of my head. Why shouldn't he be mad? I stabbed his best friend and put his girlfriend in mortal danger.

A fine little resume I've built in a matter of hours.

I have the gun positioned to the left of Hotaru's body, weary of any accidental discharge. My stomach does little flips as I spot Persona twiddling his fingers, a new nervous tick perhaps. Natsume is shirtless in the opposite seat being tended to by Cassandra who looks up from his wound long enough to give us a sneer.

"Well now that we're all here maybe we can put this business to bed." Hotaru announces.

"An excellent idea." Persona drones.

"So here's what's going to happen I'm going to write you a check for an obscenely large amount of money and in exchange you let us all go and never come back."

Persona chuckles darkly, "Am I now?"

"Yes you are. You can't kill me nor risk hurting me or you're going to face the wrath of my father and the entire Imai enterprise and you don't want that." She says matter-of-factly.

"True, but I have an alternative plan." He rises from his seat and instinctively I raise the gun so it's pointed at his face.

The guards surrounding us would probably gun me down before I can even squeeze the trigger, but I don't lower the barrel. Something about having a big powerful death machine in my hands pointed at the person I hate the most makes me feel a touch more serene that I should be in this particular situation.

"Something occurred to me while you all were making a mess of things. I'm going about this all wrong. Why should I use you to get to your father to get what I want? I already have you and you are just as powerful as he is with your own connections. So you're going to do what I want and if you refuse I'll take off one of blondie boy's fingers."

"How original," she declared, "Is that all?"

"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation right now princess." Cassandra says.

She stands from her perch by Natsume and takes a step towards Hotaru, "It's not a transfer of funds. It's giving a piece of the whole damn pie."

Hotaru rolls her eyes, "I'm aware that you probably only have a fourth grade education with a first grade reading level, but the rest of us have grasped the situation quite fully."

"So what's it going to be?" Cassandra asks trying to keep a lid on her mounting anger.

"How exactly am I supposed to do anything from a moving train with no internet connection and no computer?"

Persona smirks, "The beauty of the new age is that computers can fit into the smallest of places."

He pulls Hotaru's cell phone out of his pockets and waves it slightly, "Like pockets. Genius, this world we live in now."

Cassandra takes the phone from him and hands it to Hotaru, jerking it back before Hotaru can grasp it, "No tricks or your friends leave here in body bags."

Hotaru snatches the phone from her grasp, "Obviously."

She clicks away at the screen as Persona sits down and Cassandra begins to pace. You can choke on the thick tension in the air. After a few minutes, Hotaru is still going at her phone and Cassandra is visibly losing her patience and becoming more nervous.

"You better not screw us over." She says.

"She wouldn't risk the lives of her so called friends." Persona says calmly.

"She can send out some discreet SOS without us even knowing." Cassandra argues.

"We won't have to worry about that when we get to the end of the line." Persona consoles.

Cassandra flops back into a chair and folds her arms tightly over her chest. Natsume, who has managed to work a shirt over his head, is now standing among the other guards having some kind of telepathic conversation with Ruka that requires intense, unbroken eye contact. I feel almost silly having the gun in my hands still trained on Persona who smirks at me from across the car. This entire exchange is a lot calmer than I originally anticipated, but I still feel a lot safer being armed.

I wonder what's at the end of the line. It was too much to hope for that this train was just traveling in a giant circle, but now I know we're heading towards a new destination referred to as 'the end of the line'. So that doesn't exactly inspire good faith.

Every second that passes, the air gets thinner. My gut continues to twists uncomfortably and my heart can't decide between pounding furiously and stopping for extended periods of time.

"What is taking so long?" Cassandra vents furiously.

Hotaru scoffs, "You think moving stocks and signing over companies on a cell phone is going to be lightening quick? You're dumber than you look."

Cassandra leaps to her feet, "Just get it done princess. Before this train stops or else."

Hotaru looks up from the screen, "Or else? That's what you're going with? Very intimidating."

Cassandra grabs Hotaru by the neck, "Do you feel that? The train is slowing down. You have only a few minutes before things get ugly."

"I would deliver a comeback to that statement, but that is way too easy." Hotaru says as if Cassandra's hand around her throat is nothing more than a fashionable scarf.

"Cassandra, why don't you take a chill pill?" I say feeling more annoyed than scared.

She blinks at me, "Oh Mikan, I totally forgot you were here. You've served your purpose, so why don't you do us all a favor and get off the train. I think we're nearing a cliff, you can just jump off of that."

I bite back a sarcastic remark, reminding myself of the position I'm in. This isn't some catty confrontation in the girls' bathroom over who spoke to who's boyfriend at a mixer last Saturday night. This is life or death right now. If Hotaru is stalling for time or has some plan up her sleeve, I have no idea what it is and can only hope that I don't screw it up too badly.

Assuming that there is a plan

The 'end of the line' can be another abandoned train station where we all get lined up and shot when Persona has what he wants.

The slowing of the train is more noticeable now, we are drawing to the close of this train ride and while I struggle with my breathing, Hotaru seems totally at ease.

"I need a routing address and a company name to complete the transaction." Hotaru says.

"Haruji can input those for you." Cassandra says as one of the guards steps up to claim the phone.

"Haruji will provide me with the information so I can input it myself."

"Hand it over Imai." Cassandra commands.

"This is a sensitive operation and I can't risk him screwing it up." She turns her stare towards Persona, "You really want to trust some idiot with this?"

Cassandra finally snaps and throws Hotaru up against the nearest wall which causes a chain reaction: Ruka barreling after Cassandra, Natsume tackling Ruka, guns being raised, all while the train screams to a halt. Hotaru maintains a grip on her phone and a glare at Cassandra who is seething. The fact that no guns went off is a miracle considering the amount of nervous fingers on triggers including mine.

"End of the line. Cassandra, release Miss Imai so we can conclude our business." Persona says eyes trained on the two.

Cassandra battles with herself before releasing Hotaru from her grip, "Hurry up your royal highness."

Hotaru rubs her throat, "I don't think I will."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Hotaru drops her phone on the ground and smashes it with the heel of her shoe, "You can go and screw yourselves."

Cassandra looks totally perplexed and Persona raises an eyebrow. Struggling to breathe morphs into a complete inability to intake oxygen, but before Cassandra can throttle Hotaru or the guards turn their guns on us, I'm pulled to the ground roughly as an explosion rocks the left side of the train shattering the glass windows. I can feel the shards land in my hair. The gun is crushing my hand as I lie on top of it and whoever pulled me to the ground is on top of me making it worse.

"Freeze!" an authoritative voice bellows.

Large cans emitting gray smoke entering through the shattered windows quickly make it difficult to distinguish any particular person. I dig my knee into the side of the person on top of me and scramble back into a wall. I can hear Cassandra screaming for Persona, and Reo cursing as he struggles against something.

"Hotaru!" I scream into the haze trying to let my eyes adjust.

"Mikan!" comes her choked voiced.

"You bitch!" Cassandra screams.

As I get to my feet and stumble forward, I can make out Cassandra straddling Hotaru on the ground trying to strangle her in all the confusion.

"Hey bitch!" I yell and she jerks her head up toward me.

I drive the butt of the gun into her face with all my strength causing her to fall back and hit the ground with a vicious thud. I help Hotaru to her feet and squeeze her tightly in my arms. We are ushered by two pairs of hands off the train and into the fresh night air. I never thought I'd ever be so relieved to see large men with huge guns ever in my life, but when the have S.W.A.T. printed on their helmets and jackets I'll make an exception.

Just this once

I try to make myself pay attention to the commotion around me. Persona's lackey's being thrown off the train and handcuffed none too gently, Police officers and flashing lights everywhere, the entire train being stormed by armed men on the right side of the law. It's like the whole world is screaming, but I can only hear white noise.

I won't be okay until I see him.

The slain dragon being toted away in handcuffs, but the seconds feel like hours and I break from Hotaru's embrace and the guiding hand of our saviors and bolt back onto the train before anyone could register that I wasn't supposed to be there. The smoke is fading, the car is empty and there is no sign of Persona. I manage to frantically run through several cars before being restrained by the members of the police force and made to exit the train.

I'm breathing hard as the crisp, cool air of the spring night suddenly turns into thick smog. The train is empty, it hasn't been confirmed, but I can feel it. In every strangled breath I can feel that he is not there. He has disappeared in a wisp of smoke like the devil himself.

It isn't until my throat feels raw that I realize that I'm screaming. To onlookers I'm a traumatized girl who has gotten over the initial shock and is now settling into a hysteric panic. I'm kicking and scratching and fighting and screaming. I want to break free and run.

Run where?

He's found me once. And now I have taken everything. The deal is gone, Hotaru is safe, and his crew and leading lady are being loaded into the backs of armored trucks in two sets of handcuffs. Even Cassandra's swollen eye, obviously broken nose, and bleeding temple does nothing to soothe me.

I'm rabid and inconsolable. I can hear someone calling my name, but all I want is to run. Even as the world fades away and my eyes drift close, I can still feel my legs twitch.

* * *

><p>Sedation…<p>

It's like death without the commitment.

Even when you're awake, the world is distorted and twisted. As I struggle to open my eyes to rejoin the waking world I feel as if I'm submerged under water. I blink a few times and try to force focus. I try to reach my hands up to rub my eyes, but the bed restraints make that impossible. I panic and start to flail my limbs only to discover my feet are bound as well. A pale hand on my forearm draws my attention to Hotaru who looks like she's been aged.

Were we not two eighteen year old girls just last night?

"Hotaru?" my voice is thorny, my throat raw.

"I had to authorize the restraints Mikan. You kept scratching at yourself. Tearing into your hands and stomach, I couldn't watch it anymore." She says almost remorseful.

"Scratching?"

"You were digging your fingernails into everything. They had to keep putting your under, but I was afraid the medicine could have some bad side effects so I authorized the restraints and took you off the drugs."

"What happened?" I ask struggling to make sense of her words.

"You flipped out. You ran back to the train like a mad woman and when they removed you it was like some primal force exploded inside of you. You almost took a policeman's eye out. The paramedics had to sedate you as a safety precaution. They want to do a psych evaluation on you, but I told them that it wouldn't be necessary."

"Where's Youichi?" I ask struggling against my restraints.

"Calm down Mikan. Youichi is fine. He's staying with my parents while we sort this whole thing out."

"What does he know?"

"He's a kid Mikan, but he's not an idiot. He knows that we were in a dangerous situation, but that's as far as it goes. He doesn't know about Rei."

"Persona." I correct.

"Yes. You freaked out because you knew he got away. How did you know that Mikan?"

"I knew because it wouldn't come that easy." I say my words swelling in my throat.

"What wouldn't?"

"My freedom."

"Mikan he has nothing. Reo, Cassandra, his drug empire, the money, even some of his contacts, they've all been apprehended. He can't even do business now. He's no one."

"You're telling me this like it's supposed to make me feel better, but all I'm hearing is that he is now a man with nothing left to lose."

Hotaru withdraws her hand and sighs, "The police are working around the clock to track him down Mikan. He wouldn't dare come back. He'll just find a hidden stash and go overdose in some crack house somewhere."

I laugh dryly, "Hotaru Imai is quite the optimist."

"Only when Mikan Sakura is a pessimist. We have to keep some kind of balance."

I take a deep breath, "I know him. He's not going to stop. He feeds on his rage and right now he probably has more rage than he knows what to do with."

She takes my hand and squeezes, "Everything is going to be fine."

It's no longer clear if she's trying to reassure me or herself.

"How's Ruka?" I ask, forcing a change in subject.

"Battered and bruised, but he'll live. He and Natsume had quite the falling out after we were taken off the train. They settled for punching each other more than anything else. Natsume was holding back though. I guess he figured Ruka just needed to blow off steam and he himself needed to be punished."

"Why didn't they arrest him?" I ask sharply.

"Do you want him arrested?" she asks blankly.

"You're not answering my question. He's just as much a member of Persona's gang as anyone else who got carted off. Why not him?"

"Because no one would believe that Natsume Hyuuga, a living legacy would be mixed up in something like that. They assumed he snuck on to the train with Ruka."

"And Ruka allowed that?'

"Ruka was the one who made the statement confirming it."

I scoff, "So just like that all is forgiven? I'm just supposed to forget everything that he did to me?"

"Whether you want to believe it or not, Natsume thought he was doing the right thing and keeping you safe. He didn't know about us being on the train that night."

"And I suppose you believe that."

"Mikan, he is trying to atone for what he did. I'm not telling you to forgive him, but I want you to really think about what it is you want. Do you want him to go to prison?"

I want to say yes, but how can I? After everything we've been through together how can I just write him off? I stabbed him in his shoulder and just thinking about it makes my stomach twist.

She draws back her hand, "There's more to the story than what you think."

"What do you mean?"

She stands and goes to the door, "He should tell you himself."

She exits and I try to relax, but being restrained to a hospital bed does not inspire relaxation. I spend the next few minutes trying to wiggle my right hand free as the door to my room slides open. Natsume wearing hospital pajamas and dragging an IV stand behind him looking more like a model shooting an ad than an actual patient. He face is covered in bruises of various colors and his left arm is in a sling. Over his shoulder I can see a police officer slide the door shut.

"Nice bracelets." He says.

"Nice face." I retort instinctively.

He makes his way over to the chair Hotaru vacated and sits down with some difficulty.

I nod toward the door, "Security or babysitter?"

"Both. You were on suicide watch and you did assault me with a deadly weapon."

"Luckily for you my telekinetic abilities haven't kicked in yet otherwise you'd be bouncing all over this room."

"Still hate me?"

"Still a lying, low-life, good for nothing jerk?"

He sighs deeply as if reminding himself this isn't our usual banter. Behind the words is the weight of everything that has transpired over the last few months.

"You slept for two days straight then they cut back your meds and you started hurting yourself. The police wanted to get a statement, but your mental stability was called into question so Hotaru took care of everything."

"Did you lie?"

"What?"

"When you gave your statement, did you lie?" I clarify.

"No. I didn't give a statement, Ruka did."

"So you let Ruka lie for you?"

"After pounding me like he did, I guess he felt like I had had enough."

"He was wrong."

"I'd lay here and let you take a swing, but you actually might kill me."

"Only seems fair, you almost got all of us killed."

"Mikan I already told you I didn't know about the train thing. If I did, it wouldn't have happened."

"You're delusional."

He sighs in frustration, "No, I'm a mole."

What?

"I'm a mole Mikan," He explains as if I had spoken aloud, "When Reo approached me the first time an investigator showed up at my house and asked for my help. They wanted Reo and his crew out, but they didn't know it would lead to Persona and the biggest drug bust in over a decade. So I agreed to help because I thought it would be amusing, but then you got involved and everything got conflicted. I didn't want the police to find out about you because then they would start a profile and start to research you. I know Hotaru had already taken precautions, but I didn't want them to dig anyway. Then Persona told me all that bullshit and I didn't know what to think. I handled it badly, but I wasn't ever not on your side. I was the one who left the latch open so Ruka could get on the train. I just knew he'd be there. I'm the one who told the police what train we were on and turned on the GPS in Hotaru's phone. I am the one who left Hotaru a message on her phone saying to stall until the train stopped and then smash the phone. When her phone disappeared off the tracking unit after the train stopped that was the signal to move in. I just had to hope that none of you would get killed before we reached the end of the line."

"So you never wanted to be in Persona's gang? It was all crap."

"Not all of it. Not when we were together. Every stupid fight we had, every time I kissed you, that was all real."

"You just expect me to believe that?"

"No I don't. I know you don't trust me. I've given you a million reasons never to speak to me again, but you told me you loved me so much it makes you want to die."

He looks away from me as he pauses. He rises from his chair with difficulty, "I don't want that."

"Want what?"

"I don't want you to feel like dying. I want you to feel how you think it should feel. Like dessert or whatever."

He's slightly embarrassed.

"I don't want to feel anything for you." I roll my head to stare at the blank wall on the opposite side of the room.

I listen to him breathe and slowly shuffle from the room. The hall is filled with murmurs that are silenced as the door slides shut again. It occurs to me that one of the few times Natsume has tried to reach out to me, this time I have shut him down completely. He left with the silence of a man defeated. I know I'm doing the right thing though. Natsume and I can't be involved with each other while Persona is still out there. If he finds out Natsume played him for a fool and then turned him in, he might want him dead more than me, but I will always be his number one which means Natsume and I together is a bad idea. If Persona still thinks that I hate him, maybe he won't figure it out.

Do I still hate him?

I can't describe the relief that washed over me when he told me he was a mole with no interest in being in a gang. I know it's not as simple as that though. The opportunity presented itself for Natsume to get a taste of this dark lifestyle with no real consequence, but it did take a psychological toll on him. He battled with his demons and danced for the devil. There is no way he got out of that situation unscathed. Physically, emotionally, and mentally there will be opened wounds that may never heal. I want nothing more than to erase them and make it all go away, but unfortunately we have our crosses to bear.

Whatever the hell that means.

It hadn't even occurred to me that our little train scenario took place two days ago, but now that I think about it Hotaru was wearing a different outfit and looked freshly showered and made up. My body feels sore as if I've been lying down for a while as well. Two whole days with Persona out there stewing in his rage and failure; maybe I should give Hotaru's optimism a try and imagine that he's overdosed somewhere far away. Oddly enough Yuka comes to my mind. What has become of her? If Cassandra was telling the truth and she was in some institution, now that Persona has no money to send in, will they kick her out on the streets?

Assuming she's even alive.

Cassandra did spill the beans in the heat of the moment and if Yuka was dead, she would take great pleasure in rubbing that in my face. The sweet satisfaction of knocking that psychopath out cold will surely stay with me in my old age.

_If I live that long_

Right now I want nothing more than to get out of these restraints, find Youichi and reassure him that everything is fine. I have no idea how he's dealing with all of this. It must be so sudden to him: one minute everything is fine and the next minute I'm in the hospital and the cops are involved. I hope Mizuki isn't smothering him; then again she's probably too busy to attend to a six year old house guest so maybe he's been left to his own devices.

Two days later and I am checked out of the hospital and into the smothering care of the Imai household. When a doctor recommends bed rest, the entire house staff is in over drive: cooking meals to Hotaru's direct specifications, changing my bandages frequently to ensure quick healing, granting me any pleasure as requested. The guest bedroom is under constant construction. My first day here and the room was too bright so Hotaru made the maids completely change the curtains and then they didn't match the bed sheets so they had to change those as well. Then Hotaru had a television mounted on the wall since there was previously no need for one in the guest bedroom. My afternoon walks in the garden I had an escort who carried a parasol. I drew the line at being able to bathe myself and wash my hair, but that didn't stop them from laying out fresh clothes and drying my hair for me.

Youichi came back to the mansion from school via one of the limos and wrapped his little body around me and refused to let go. He did his homework and ate dinner in my room, took his shower and snuggled up next to me and fell asleep buried in my side. He never asked what happened or if I was alright. I could feel his relief with every small breath as he slept.

I held him all night and whispered stories in his ear to assure him I was still beside him all night. Hotaru joined us for breakfast this morning and carted Youichi off to school quite reluctantly. After everything we went through, school seems even a more abstract concept than before. I spent most of the day fading in and out of sleep. The doctor prescribed something to help me sleep when my nightmares got too unbearable. Every time I close my eyes I see Persona disappearing in a wisp of smoke, but his laughter getting louder and louder in my head.

I'm awakened from my drug induced nap, by Hotaru who decided to cut the school day short.

"Playing hooky?" I yawn.

"With graduation around the corner, school is quite pointless. The teachers have given up trying to teach anything and just encourage free study which is just periods of mindless chatter about who's going to what party."

I sit up against my pillows, "Sounds torturous."

"Don't mock my struggles." She says sitting on the edge of the bed.

I giggle, "Sorry."

"This showed up at your apartment." She says handing me a thick envelope.

"What is it?"

"Although I am bestowed with many abilities Mikan, reading through envelopes is not one of them."

"But you're Hotaru Imai, you know everything." I say sarcastically as I tear the envelope open.

It's a letter from the adoption agency. My heart leaps up into my throat as I read through the message.

After a long moment of stunned silence, I regain my ability to form words, "He's…mine."

"Congra-"

"Oh Hotaru!" I yell tackling her to the floor.

We fall to the carpeted ground as I squeeze her practically crying tears of joy and Hotaru trying to get away.

"Get off me you idiot!" she yells.

"I'm sorry, but I'm so happy."

"I think I liked you better suicidal." She mutters.

I release her and read through the letter again, there's even a certificate enclosed. Youichi Hiriji is officially Youichi Yukihara. Seeing his name printed out on the page in bold letters makes tears well up in my eyes again.

"Congratulations Mikan." Hotaru says helping me to my feet.

"Thank you Hotaru. Without you I don't know where I'd be."

She shrugs, "Dead."

"Gee thanks."

There's a pause before she speaks again.

"Mikan we need to talk."

I look up from the certificate at Hotaru's even more serious than usual face, "What is it?"

"They haven't found Persona yet and they're going to stop looking."

I sink back down to the bed, "What?"

"They have everything: the money, the drugs, the goons, the contacts, and the psycho mistress. I guess with the snake's body, they don't feel like the head is too important. Since Persona isn't a mafia head or from a elite family, they figure he'll just go back to being a druggie nobody."

"But they can't-,"

"Mikan, listen to me. He isn't the same person from back then. He doesn't have anything. No money, no contacts, no private investigators, he can't hurt you. You have to stop being afraid of him. He's gone."

"Hotaru…I just…I need closure. How can I have that if I never find out what happens to him." I contemplate my next question before asking, "And what about Yuka?"

She sighs, "I'm having my people look into it, but it's rather difficult. There is no way to know for certain where she is or if she's even…"

"It's okay…I know that you're right, but I-,"

"That chapter of your life is over Mikan. It's time to let it go. You can never be happy if you don't. You can never really forgive Natsume if you don't."

"Natsume? I haven't even-,"

"You were calling his name in your sleep a few times."

I can feel the heat creep across my face, "I wasn't."

"He's miserable as well. His mother grounded him till the middle of the next century. His suitors have all been terminated; he doesn't even bother to sneak out of his house. Ruka says all he does is sit around brooding over you."

"He's a brooding kind of guy. It could just be his general broodiness." I defend.

"He's depressed Mikan. I've tried to explain to him that you're just being your normal overprotective self, but I think you really broke his heart. Something no one knew he even had."

I flop onto my back, "I can't Hotaru. I don't even know if I can stomach seeing him again. All the hurt, betrayal, the lying, the secrets, how can I just let it all go?"

She sits next to me, "You hold on to so much all the time Mikan. If being with Natsume makes you happier than it does miserable, you should really consider letting go of your pride."

"This has nothing to do with pride."

"Oh really? Because you didn't feel like an idiot when you found out it was all an act? You hated that you couldn't see that he was pretending and that it killed him so much to do it?"

I prop myself up on my elbows, "Since when are you so emotionally astute?"

"Since my boyfriend lectured me on such things." She looks away from me and sighs, "Ruka was really hurt by the things I kept from him to protect you."

"Hotaru I never meant-,"

She raises her hand to silence me, "It's not your fault and I'd do it all again without a question. I'm just saying I know what it's like to look into the eyes of someone you care about and have to lie to them over and over because you think you're doing the right thing. Natsume is an idiot, don't get me wrong, but he's so in love with you it's practically smothering him."

_I don't want you to feel like dying_

She stands, "Do whatever you like, just be fair about it."

Be fair? How can I possibly be fair? What does that even mean? Give him a fair chance? Start over? Can I really just let everything go and try to start over and pick up the pieces of my life? Again? I don't know. I crawl under the covers letting the swirling patterns hypnotize me into a fitful slumber. When I awaken, the sun is setting and Youichi and Aoi are sprawled out on the floor playing a game. Aoi jumps up and races to hug me as I get out of bed. Seeing those familiar ruby eyes creates a hole in my chest and I excuse myself to the bathroom before I burst into tears. I settle for a shower and taming my tangled nest of hair.

I let Aoi braid my damp hair so I won't have to look directly at her and I can keep my attitude friendly. Youichi plops himself in my lap and dominates the remote control.

"Mikan-neesan, are you and onii-san not friends anymore?" Aoi asks me suddenly.

"Oh, no Aoi-chan I've just been trying to get better."

"Oh okay. Natsume-nii seems really sad lately."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah! So you definitely have to get better so you can come over and cheer him up!"

I let a small smile break my blank facade. The innocence in her suggestion reminds me of how naïve kids are. They don't much about the world that surrounds them. They're so easily appeased that fights and bad situations lasts for only a short moment. They can let things go so easily without a second thought. If Aoi and Youichi were to have a spat, it'd be over in seconds. If only my life could be so easy. If only I could just wipe my mind clean. When you're a child the smallest of gestures warrants immediate forgiveness. Adulthood is far more complicated. We make each other work to be forgiven. We don't easily relinquish hold on the things that make us miserable. Some of us never let go and let all the bad things fester inside of us like a cancer.

I don't want that.

I bury my face in Youichi's soft tendrils and try to clear my thoughts. Ruka comes to collect Aoi who pouts the entire time and promises to come back tomorrow. Youichi wanders off to the bathroom after Aoi is finally pried from him. I remove the adoption papers from the bedside table and try to keep myself distracted until Youichi returns. With Aoi being here, I haven't had a chance to deliver the good news to him.

When he crawls into bed beside me, I hand him the papers and wait for his reaction.

"What is this?" he asks.

"These are your adoption papers Youichi. I have officially adopted you."

He looks at me slightly confused. I put the papers back in the drawer and hoist him into my lap, "That means that I can keep taking care of you and nobody can ever change that. It means that you and I are going to be together always."

"So you're not going to go away?"

"No I'm not going to go away and no one is ever going to take you away."

"Like Persona?"

"Nobody," I state firmly.

"Okay." He puts the papers aside.

"Okay? That's all you have to say? I thought you'd be super happy."

He wraps his tiny arms around me and squeezes, "Okay."

I smile, "Okay."

We sit there hugging each other and eventually just fall asleep that way. When I wake up the next day Youichi has already left for school and it's almost noon.

"You're certainly enjoying your bed rest." Hotaru says following the maid who brings in my breakfast.

I force myself to sit up, "Actually I'm going stir crazy, but the hand and foot wait service makes it easier."

The maid leaves my very elaborate breakfast tray on the nightstand and excuses herself. Hotaru wearing a white sundress helps herself to a strip of bacon off my tray with a perfectly manicured hand.

"I'm sure it does. You'll have to go to work eventually you know. I'm charging you a fortune for this room."

I gawk at her, "You're charging me for the room?"

"And meals. If hospitals can do it, so can I."

"Nice to see that your heart has returned to its natural sub-zero temperature."

She just helps herself to another slice of bacon, "Warmth and generosity lead to bankruptcy."

"You are quite a creature."

She ignores my comment, "So when exactly do you plan on getting back on your feet?"

I sigh. I know that Hotaru is more worried about me than anyone else because of course no one else knows the full extent of what's happened. Not even Hotaru's parents. Natsume's undercover mole work has been swept under the rug and as far as Ruka and I being there was completely coincidental. I was with Hotaru around the time of the kidnapping, Ruka followed us, tipped off the police and that's why we got rescued before any ransom calls could be made. Mr. Imai wasn't pleased about the situation, but took solace in the fact that it was resolved without injury. Mizuki, however, was distraught, outraged, and panicked all at once. Hotaru's utter nonchalance and my unconsciousness did nothing to appease her. Shizune and Subaru made an appearance to help alleviate the situation, but that didn't stop Mizuki from hiring more security.

"Well?" Hotaru says between bites of bacon.

"No time like the present, right?" I say without much conviction.

"Still apprehensive?"

"I came face to face with the person I left my old life for and he's disappeared without a trace with nothing but his hatred for me to console him. Apprehensive doesn't even begin to cover it. He invaded my life, he knows my friends, where I live, where I work. There are just too many what-if's to consider."

Hotaru places a hand on my shoulder, "Mikan I've reluctantly taken on the task of being your best friend so let me do something only I can do and that's to tell you to get over it."

I can only stare at her with my mouth agape.

"I understand your feelings. I met the guy, I listened to the details of what you went through with him, but I've also watched you change from a homeless, paranoid hobbit into a semi-attractive young woman. Don't let him take that from you. You want to run away again? Don't. Stay and fight. Prepare yourself for battle, but don't forget to live your life. That's what drew him out in the first place. You smiling and laughing and having a better life than you even thought possible. It drew him out once maybe it will do it again, but maybe it won't. Do you want to live your entire life in hiding only to realize there was nothing to hide from?"

I close my jaw and swallow a lump in my throat. I know she's right because she's Hotaru and being right is practically an occupation for her. I fought against the fear and paranoia once, I can do it again. I can prepare myself and learn to live my life without twitching at the sound of every door opening or heavy footfall.

It's just going to even more difficult this time around…

* * *

><p>Every day is a battle.<p>

At least that's the post-trauma norm, but for me every day seems dull and muted. It's almost as if the heart-pounding, fear-inducing, alternate-reality showdown that happened almost a week ago has left my life bland in comparison. Not to say that I need a life or death situation to spice up my week, but I have been feeling out of sorts. Going back to work, having to lie and say that my bandages are from the train's shattered windows and not my psychotic breakdown, and having to pretend like everything is alright and answer questions from my friends about what happened without any sign that I was directly involved is exhausting.

I'm dragging my feet and plastering on a smile for the world to see, but I still feel off. Hotaru says it's from the lack of closure that I feel and the sooner I get back into the full swing of things, the sooner I will start to feel like my old self, but who is my old self exactly?

She was a liar and a pretender too. Was there any truth to the person I used to be before this all happened? Maybe I had truthful moments with Hotaru and Natsume, but what about Anna? What about Tsubasa and Misaki? What about every other person I have ever had a conversation with? It's not like I want to have a press conference and stand in front of the whole world and rehash my life story, but is that what it would take for me to stop feeling like this; like I'm in a never ending play about a girl who can't get her truths straight.

The big Alice Academy Graduation is looming and I've already received an official invitation from the twins, Nobara, and Hoshino. Hotaru says she doesn't care if I'm there or not, but Mizuki already has a seat reserved for Youichi and me in their section. What on earth she means by section I have no idea. I've never been to a graduation before and I won't ever have one for myself so I don't know what to expect especially with an elite school such as this one.

Graduation is an event that apparently warrants another round of dress shopping with the twins and I drag Hotaru along just so that she could answer any questions they may come up with, but being in Hotaru's presence makes even mile-a-minute chatter box Anna select her words carefully. Fortunately Anna's talkative nature is greatly increased when shopping is involved once we enter the stores she's off in a tornado fashion pulling garments from mannequins and barreling through racks.

"I think you should wear pink." Nonoko says after Anna's third dress change.

"Like my hair? How original," Anna says from behind the fitting room door tossing her latest reject into the pile of dresses deemed unworthy.

"Why does it even matter what you wear? No one is going to see it under your gown." Hotaru says without looking up from her new cell phone.

"Maybe no one at the ceremony will see it, but everyone on the yacht will." Anna defends.

"There's a yacht?" I ask.

"Yeah Ruka's mom rented out this huge boat for all of the seniors after graduation for our post-graduation party." Anna clarifies.

"Since Alice Academy doesn't support the whole prom concept every year the seniors elect someone to throw the post-graduation party that will serve as a prom make-up, but since we're all technically high school graduates we just call it post-grad party." Nonoko explains.

"No chaperones, no teachers, no lame themes, just one perfect night where everyone gets to dress up, set our final transcripts up in flames, and dance the night away." Anna says dreamily from behind the dressing room door.

She emerges in an emerald green knee length dress with an intricately embroidered bodice. She reminds me of a pink haired Greek goddess.

"Green? As in the color of greed?" Ironically these words come from Hotaru.

Anna doesn't miss a beat, "Green is a very positive color thank you very much. Nature's purest expression of fertility."

Hotaru raises an eyebrow, "So you want the senior class to know that you're fertile?"

Nonoko chimes in, "Besides that's emerald green. Sumire's signature color? She's probably going to wear something similar and far more expensive. Do you want to be the target of another fruit punch accident."

"Fruit punch accident?" I ask.

"Right after Sumire's parents hit the big time, they bought her this gorgeous diamond charm bracelet." Nonoko starts.

"One of those where the charms alone could finance a house." Anna adds.

"Yeah and Anna had just won a baking competition so my parents got her a similar charm bracelet with different colored jeweled charms. Everyone freaked out over it because it was one of a kind." Nonoko explains.

"So Sumire dunked it in fruit punch?" I ask.

"No, at a sleep over Sumire poured fruit punch into Anna's bed and convinced every Anna had gotten her period."

"Oh God." Hotaru says more disgusted than shocked.

"I was mortified, but my mom sorted everything out. Of course Sumire turned around and made the entire situation about her. Long story short, she sort of apologized and I gave up my bracelet."

I can only blink at her, "Really?"

"I still have it of course. I just don't wear it except for on special occasions where there's no risk of running into Sumire."

I can't help but scoff in disbelief, "I can't believe you would give up a precious gift because some crazy witch poured juice on you."

"Adolescence is a very sensitive time and emotional scarring runs deep. Forgive me for my lack of stoicism." Anna says rather annoyed.

"Lack of brain is more like it." Hotaru corrects.

I find myself butting in again, "What Hotaru means is, you shouldn't let mean girl pranks run your life. There are far scarier things in the world."

"You two would know." Nonoko says.

A direct reference to our little train ride of horrors makes my stomach do a little turn, but Hotaru is still as composed as ever.

"Exactly," she manages to say without missing a beat.

Anna doesn't notice, "I was a little girl okay and my best friend slash frenemy was lashing out every chance she got. Excuse me for not erupting into Xena warrior tween."

"If you want that dress you should get it." Nonoko says.

"Well thanks for your support, but the longer I stand in this thing, the more I feel like a Christmas tree."

She stomps her bare feet back into the fitting room and we listen to her struggle to get the dress off before wandering off on our own: Hotaru to check her email, Nonoko to put some of the dresses back and myself to just wander the racks. I let my hand trail along the bright colors and soft fabrics. In my mind I imagine going to my own high school prom and graduation. Would some shy guy have plucked up the courage to ask me? Would I have found the perfect dress? Would I have graduated top of my class? The answers to these questions do not come to me, so I just imagine their outcomes. Getting asked to prom by Mr. Right who will whisk me away into a perfect night, standing at the podium giving a compelling, tear-jerking graduation speech, and tossing my cap into the air and watching confetti rain down as the crowd cheers. Flashes of photos being taken and my future looking bright, but the thought of being in that house with Persona and leaving Youichi alone there to go to college makes me immediately thankful for my current reality.

Now that I think about our departure from that house happened almost simultaneously with Persona's big step up (or down considering) into the shark tank of heavy duty drug dealing. So either way you look at it our lives would have been different, at least by leaving on our own strengths we were able to forge our own path.

Thinking about it that way, this reality is way better.

"I'm hungry." Hotaru sighs.

I turn around to see Hotaru giving a blank stare at me, "Crab cakes?"

"Now," is all she says before storming out of the shop.

I wave my hand signaling our departure to Nonoko and follow Hotaru out onto the sidewalk. The sun is high in the sky and everywhere I turn there are people taking advantage of the warm weather: sundresses, short skirts, and bright colors.

We stroll a block and a half to a bistro where we are seated in a brightly lit sunroom.

I pull off my cardigan, "So I take it you didn't enjoy dress shopping?"

"You've seen my closet. Does it really look like I need more shopping?"

"True, and with your mother being the fashion queen of the universe she may have several selections lined up for you already."

"Twelve to be exact,"

"Woe is you." I mock.

A waitress comes to take our order and I am once again caught up in how bizarre this all feels. How life keeps going, how the world keeps turning, even when your life feels out of sorts. I eat my marinara pasta and sip iced tea like a normal restaurant goer.

"So what are you going to do?" I ask between bites.

"About what?" Hotaru responds.

"After graduation, I feel like everyone has these big plans. Anna is packing for France, Nonoko is shopping for her residential hall at Tokyo University, and their family is planning on having a trip to the States before the girls go off. I just figured you'd have some extravagant life plan."

"I always have a plan, extravagance is exceedingly relative."

"So what is it?" I ask.

"Shouldn't you be asking yourself that question?" She retorts.

I sigh, "I'm not graduating. There's no threshold for me to cross. I just get to sit on my hands and wait for a piece of paper that may open a few more doors for me."

"Well aren't you cheery." She says before taking another bite.

"I'm just realizing there's a lot I won't get to do."

"Walking across a stage isn't a big to do; it's actually quite a nuisance."

"I know, but you get this big ceremony with hats and tassels. Maybe if I had a normal life I would think it's as annoying as you do, but I don't. It's like you're getting a passage into adulthood and I'm just stumbling around in the dark." I explain.

"Maybe the reason you don't have a normal life is because you're not normal." She states.

I roll my eyes, "You always know what to say."

"I'm just saying that you're not normal. That you've been through so much a stupid graduation ceremony pales in comparison."

"Maybe that's the reason that I want it."

"But even when you were trying to be normal you weren't being yourself. Adversity breeds brilliance. Have you ever thought that the reason you don't get normal is because you're above normal?"

"Above normal or just undeserving? I don't know Hotaru my life hasn't exactly been a testament to how above it all I am. It just seems like one long never ending punishment."

She takes a long drink from her glass, the ice cubes clink together noisily, "Roll around in self-pity all you want, but not every girl who runs away from home finds herself months later eating lunch with the heiress to one of the wealthiest, well-known Japanese families nor does she have the heir of an even more reputable and wealthy family wrapped around her pinky. Stop thinking so small."

Even when the words come out of her mouth with no sign of comforting, Hotaru can still make me feel warm all over. She really amazes me, but what amazes me more than Hotaru herself is her uncompromising belief in me. The way she can hear what I'm not saying and bring me to a place of understanding. Even when I'm in my worse possible state she still takes my side and defends me, building me up. My desire for the ordinary is just a hindrance to the life that is being delivered to me. Of all the paths my life could have taken I am more than lucky to be on this extraordinary one.

I remember how much everything glittered when I first arrived here and how it was like being born all over again into a world of magic with princesses, dark princes, white knights, and grand balls. Maybe the reason I feel so out of sorts is because I haven't found my identity in this new place. I have managed to blend in while standing out at the same time. I'm no princess, but perhaps a maiden who has spent so much time working her fingers to the bone and putting herself down that I have forgotten how strong I really am.

My dad comes to my mind. I can see him being proud of how far I've come, but wanting me to go a little further. Not for Youichi or Hotaru or Natsume, but for me: to reach my hand out for something more than just survival.

_Only you believe_

The phrase had stuck in my head from the bizarre dream I had, but resounded with me even more when the same phrase came out of Hotaru's mouth the night we were taken. I've contemplated it's meaning, but have gotten nothing from it. Then again maybe I'm just thinking too hard. I thought the meaning could be abstract from the dream, but when Hotaru said it she was being her normal, straight-forward self. When I told her it was impossible for me to turn back the clock in my head, she said 'Only you believe.' Only I believe that to be the truth, if I believe something is impossible that automatically makes it impossible. So I guess it's a more subtle way to tell me to believe in myself and my strength.

I know I have to stop being afraid and start living again, but where do I begin? I keep wandering my life like some wayward, misguided spirit torn between crossing over and staying to complete my unfinished business. Lost and trying to distinguish what's real from what's not real.

"I'm not saying that you should go out and try to conquer the world, but you should at least start small." Hotaru announces reclaiming her glass.

"How can I even begin to build something on such a crappy foundation?" I ask.

"Then make a new foundation." She states simply.

"How do I do that?"

"Start at the beginning." She says.

I get the oddest sense of déjà vu. I try to read Hotaru's blank expression, but she just holds eye contact with me for moment or two before going back to her crab cakes. I feel like she's almost hiding something from me, but I can't figure it out. What could she possibly be hiding anyway? Unless it's information about Persona she doesn't want me to know for fear of another psychotic episode.

"Hota-," but the ringing of my cell phone cuts my inquiry short.

The number on the screen doesn't register for anyone I know, but it's not blocked either so I figure it must be a social worker thing. Perhaps my test results are back.

"Hello?" I greet.

A pause "Yes…is this Mikan?" asks a weak voice.

"Speaking. Who is this?" I asks.

"Yukihara Mikan?" a gruff inquiry.

My heart skips a beat, "Yes. Who is this?"

"My, after all this time I didn't think you sound so different, but you were barely a young ferret then."

A deep throaty laugh and something clicks.

"Grandpa?"

* * *

><p><em>We are approaching the end of this epic fanfic. So many mixed emotions as I work on these final chapters and of course I had to leave you with a cliff hanger so you keep wanting more.<em>

_Those of you who have been with me for awhile know that it is my favorite way to end a chapter._

_So let me know what you think good and bad so I have something to read while I work on Chapter 22._

_Lots of Love,_

_Chi*_


	22. Resurrection

Hello my loves!

Sorry for my lateness but there is good news to go around!

I changed my major to focus on my love of writing and I graduate this summer! Yay!

I outlined the next chapter and it should be up soon. We're sooooo close to the end can't wait for you guys to read it!

RxExR

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter 22: Resurrection<strong>

"You're all grown up now. I hardly recognize your voice." He says.

Another throaty laugh…

I don't know whether to cry or laugh at this new cosmic turn. I focus on breathing and trying to form words. Hotaru carries on eating as if I hadn't said anything which signs her confession that she is the one behind this telecommunication reunion.

"H-How are you?" I ask.

"Fit as a fiddle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call from a young woman claiming to know you. I thought I might keel over right there. After all these years I prayed that you would be safe and when your mother turned up here I didn't know what to think."

"Wait, Yuka's there?"

"Oh yes. A nurse at the hospital she was at grew rather fond of her and when your mother was released she found me and brought Yuka here."

"Oh."

"She's doing okay. Detoxification has been hard on her, but she's fighting hard right back."

Yuka? Fighting?

"She'd really like to see you. So would I for that matter. Imai-san said you didn't live far. Maybe you can come by for some tea."

"I don't know. I have work and other stuff going on right now."

"I know how busy you are, but maybe sometime soon."

"Yeah. Maybe. I have to go now."

"I'll call again soon."

I end the call and put my phone face down on the table, my appetite is gone. Hotaru just stares at me. I don't know whether to be grateful or furious. It means the world to me to know that my Jii-chan is okay and to even know that Yuka is okay and they're together, but to ambush me like that? My brain is already on overload from Persona. I do not need this new information adding to the pile.

Before I can even speak she says, "Like I said, you need to start at the beginning."

She hands her credit card to the passing waitress and just gives me a look of contempt.

Not a good sign.

"I'm not doing it." I protest again.

Hotaru sighs in annoyance, "Don't be a brat."

"Call me whatever you want, I'm not doing it."

Sitting in Hotaru's Mercedes parked outside my grandfather's house in the country. It's about a half an hour drive from the café I was unceremoniously dragged from.

I fold my arms tightly across my chest and clench my jaw. If she thinks that a half an hour drive is enough time to sort through my feelings about a phone call from my grandfather, she is the one on drugs. But of course Hotaru has been planning this little field trip for a while now. Tracking down my grandfather, assessing the type of person he is, telling him minimal information about me while simultaneously gaining his trust, and setting up this little meeting took some time. She seems to have exhausted the last of her patience with me and brought me here to "get it over with".

Like it will really be that easy.

"Just go." Says Hotaru.

"She's in there."

"Yes and so is your grandfather who has been worried sick about you. Now go before I drag you in there."

"Come with me."

She sighs in frustration, but turns off the engine and exits the car. I jump out right behind her afraid for a moment that she just might drag me from the car.

The stone path to the front gate of my grandfather's traditional Japanese style home is freshly swept. When I was little I remember my grandfather getting up early every day to start his chores. He's a diligent old man that way. He rises with the sun, sweeps the front path and the porch that surrounds the house, makes breakfast, spends a little prayer time with my grandmother, feeds the koi fish in the backyard pond, and tends to his garden.

Suddenly I feel very much underdressed like I should be wearing a kimono and sandals as opposed to my sundress and wedges. I pull my cardigan tighter around me and follow Hotaru's determined footsteps.

The gate looks more daunting than I remember. I pull the rope connected to a series of wind chimes placed around the house to alert grandfather of visitors. He's always prepared for company in his traditional kimono garb, but he likes to make his way to the front door to welcome guests inside. I open the gate and allow Hotaru to pass before me so I can secure the latch behind me.

No sign of my grandpa just yet so I take in the scenery. Nothing has changed really. The two story wood paneled housed looks as magnificent as ever with the green grass surrounding it giving it a vibrancy that makes me smile. My grandfather's house seems untouched by time and even though it has been ten years since I have set foot near this place, I have never felt more at home.

"Come on in! I'm just getting the tea ready." Comes my grandfather's voice from inside.

The sliding doors are pushed open to allow the fresh breeze to dance through. I find myself taking the lead stepping up the front steps, removing my shoes, and entering the house.

Old habits really do die hard.

I follow my feet through the entryway towards where I remember the kitchen and dining room being. My grandfather's large kotatsu is fully set with a place setting for three and his special dishes on the table. He shuffles out of the kitchen with a tray of tea and cookies and stops when he sees me. He takes a moment to collect himself and regain his smile before setting down the tray.

"You startled me there for a moment. I thought Yuka might have stumbled through a time machine or some such nonsense."

I want to talk or maybe even laugh a little at his small joke, but a lump is stuck in my throat.

"Please sit down both of you. I sort of over did it, but I had to keep busy somehow."

Hotaru steps forward and bows deeply, "I am Imai Hotaru it's is very nice to meet you officially."

"Imai-san it is an honor to have someone so distinguished in my home please make yourself comfortable."

Hotaru wastes no time sitting down at the table and distributing tea. Jii-chan turns his eyes back to me and just continues to smile. My favorite thing about my Jii-chan is his comforting silence. It's never awkward or forceful. It doesn't beckon you to fill the gap. He just smiles and sometimes he even hums, making you feel like nothing is ever wrong. So why do I have so much guilt rising inside of me. I was so afraid to come here, so afraid that he might be furious with me, but I was also afraid that he might be dead or dying and it could've have been prevented if I would have come with him when he asked me too. I couldn't handle another life being ruined because of my father's death.

There's so much I want to tell him, so much I want to apologize for, but I only stand there like some foreign creature with a melon stuck in my throat.

I can't bear to look at his smiling face any more so I bow, all the way to my waist and just stay there.

"I…I'm…"

"Ah Mi-chan still my little cry baby."

I actually manage to laugh through the newly forming tears. He places his hand on my head like he has done time and again when I was small.

"You don't have to apologize."

I look up at him, "But I am so sorry Jii-chan. I should've have gone with you when you said."

"And leave that little boy to fend for himself?"

"But when I left I should have called-,"

"But you were afraid of what might have become of me or that I would be angry with you."

I could just nod pathetically.

"Mikan I know your heart it is just like your father's pure and responsible. Your sense of duty and unwavering strength have always been your sword and shield. I knew that if I waited patiently you would find your way here just like your mother did."

He takes my shoulders and guides me upright, "When a soul becomes lost, Kami-sama helps to guide it back home. I was hardly surprised when your mother showed up here. Just like you, she was full of remorse and regret, but I just made her some soup and put her to bed just like when she was a young girl. The familiar can often help us redeem little pieces of ourselves we thought were gone. Underneath the shell of a broken woman that was your mother when she arrived is still that little girl I raised so full of love and laughter. Yuka never learned how to deal with loss and took to blaming herself. I never thought it would get so out of hand so really it is I who should apologize to you. Come."

I follow my grandfather into the prayer room which used to be my grandmother's sewing room. I never met my grandmother she died before I was born, but my grandfather put together a shrine with photographs of her and several of her favorite things so in a way I felt like I knew her.

"After her mother died, Yuka was never quite the same. She blamed herself for it."

"How did she die, if I may ask?" Hotaru asks from outside the door.

"She got sick." I answer.

"Pneumonia. She kept telling me she was fine just more tea and rest. She passed comfortably in her sleep. I was right beside her. She released a sort of gentle sigh and I knew she was gone."

"I'm so sorry." Hotaru says.

"It's alright. My Rena was quite sheltered as a child; her immune system just couldn't handle it. She passed quietly in the night."

"Why did Yuka think it was her fault?" I ask.

My grandfather smiles, takes my hand and pats it lightly, "I think every child who has to deal with a premature death of a parent blames themselves initially. She just never let go of that thought. It wasn't until she met your father that she even began to smile again. I thought she had finally moved on, but she just buried herself in love and never dealt with it. Then your father died and I…"

There's a long pause and Jii-chan's expression is somber.

"Well I guess I didn't prepare her for so much pain." He sighs.

The picture of my grandmother's half-smiling face and dark brown hair riddled with cherry blossom petals. I wonder if I had lost my mother instead of my father how my life would have turned out. Would we have moved here to be with Jii-chan? Would he have been able to look at me? The similarity between my mother, grandmother, and I is quite daunting. It's almost as if we are the same woman at different stages of her life.

I take Hotaru's hand, "Come on, there's someone I want you to meet."

My father was originally buried in a cemetery near our old house, but my Jii-chan had him exhumed after my mother and I had to move out. Jii-chan had him buried next to my grandmother on the other side of the cherry blossom tree. I never came to visit. It was disturbing to me that my father or his remains anyway were taken out of one hole in the ground to be put into another.

It was hard for me to think of him rotting in a box.

Even as Hotaru and I make our way over to the head stone, I can hardly swallow. I know it's not him. It's just a body that he left behind, just like me.

We were both left to rot.

We stand there not speaking. I can't find anything to say. Repressed emotions over the past few years are hitting me all at once and I don't know which one is screaming the loudest.

"Hi," Hotaru says suddenly, "I'm Imai Hotaru. I'm Mikan's best friend so I'm kind of taking care of her in your place, but no one could ever take your place. I'm sorry. Death must suck. You get to sit on the sidelines and watch as your loved ones grieve and make bad decisions, but we're going to fix it. I promise."

She rests her hand on my shoulder and I listen to her walk away.

"Hi dad," I say with trembling lips, "I'm sorry I haven't come to see you, I guess I'm still sad."

My voice begins to shake as the tears begin to sting my eyes, "I'm sad and angry at you. I know that's so stupid. You didn't ask to die, to be taken from your family, but that doesn't make me any less angry. I tried so hard to keep everything together, but it was like trying to keep a shattered vase together by squeezing the pieces. All I managed to do in the end is cut myself so deeply that I thought I'd never be happy again, but I was and now everything is so screwed up again and I don't know how to fix it. Hotaru is so sure about everything, but I can't…I can't go in there and see her because I think I hate her. She's my mother and I hate her so much and it's unbearable. She's weak and pathetic and a disgrace and I hate her, but…but she's my mother.

"How can I possibly carry on this way? I'm happy she's okay and I'm happy that she's here, but I can't face her. I just can't. You told me I could do anything, be anything, but you never actually taught me how. You never got the chance. I have to figure it out on my own now. I have to figure out how to become someone you're proud of."

"He's already proud of you Mikan as am I." Even though Jii-chan's voice comes from behind me, it doesn't startle me.

I turn to look at him, "How can you be? How can he be? I failed to keep my family intact. I failed to keep my friends safe."

He just smiles at me, "You're too focused on what you lost and not what you've gained. You would not be the person you are today if adversity hadn't befallen you and the person you are today can make the best of it."

"Jii-chan this is hardly a situation you make the best of."

He takes a few steps toward the koi pond and stops, "Do you remember a long time ago on your first trip to the sea all the other kids could catch a fish and you couldn't?"

He chuckles, "You were so upset because your little hands would go down into the sand and you only caught seashells. You cried and cried with your bucket of sea shells. Then it was time to go home and all the children released their fish, but you still had you shells and what beautiful shells they were! You couldn't stop smiling because even though you hadn't caught a fish, you wound up with something even better."

"I've lost so much Jii-chan…How can I move forward?"

He starts heading back towards the house, "By rising with your spirit. You always have."

I hate that my Jii-chan can say something deep and helpful, but I don't know what the heck he means. Rising with my spirit. The last thing I can think of doing is dissecting a metaphor especially with Yuka lurking around.

Even with Yuka on the premises I can't bring myself to leave just yet. My grandfather kept the area surrounding his home like an oasis. The grass is so vibrantly green and soft. I lie down next to my father's plot and pretend he's lying in the grass beside me watching the clouds pass in front of the sun.

I take a stroll around the koi pond watching the fish swim around in an elegant fashion. My bare feet in the grass sends a familiar sensation through my body reminding me of days long past. I had hoped at this point in my life I would be wiser than the eight year old girl who came to live here after her father's passing, but with ten years added to the timeline I have somehow found myself back where I was.

Life can be tricky and complicated. The paths that we follow can be confusing. Some of the roads even start to look alike and we've sworn we've taken this same road a million times just to wind up back where we started.

I sit by the edge of the pond swirling my finger tips on the surface causing the koi fish to stop their serene dance to come inspect the disturbance.

"Hello Klaus." I say to the orange and red fish swimming up nip at my fingertips.

I always name the fish in Jii-chan's pond. He says it helps them live longer. More old person nonsense I'm sure, but I can't help but entertain the childhood notion. The fish just looked like a Klaus to me as he nipped my fingers and swam around excitedly.

I'm not that little eight year old girl anymore, but she is part of who I am. Just because you turn one age doesn't make your prior years insignificant. Every year adds on becoming the collective whole you are as a person. I am as much eighteen as I was eight or eleven or fourteen. I am a combination of everything that has happened to me, but I am not defined by it. Maybe that's what Jii-chan is trying to tell me. A little girl being happy about a bucket of seashells is a lifted spirit even though she hadn't caught a fish. Maybe rising with my spirit can be broken down to something as simple as "be happy".

I take that thought with me back into the house and have lunch with Jii-chan and Hotaru. Despite eating at the café, I find myself ravenous. I guess emotional discovery depletes your stomach. Everything tasted of spring and home and a life I felt could be mine again.

My grandfather doesn't bring up Yuka again and tells us stories of what's happened over the years. I tell him about Youichi and Alice Academy and my friends. I even tell him about sleeping in the abandoned building and he laughs so heartily it becomes an endearing memory.

Hotaru and I clear the table and wash the dishes. The sight of Hotaru Imai with her hands in dishwater makes it almost impossible to focus on the task of drying plates. I just want to take a picture so badly. The candid would definitely make amends between Ruka and I. I restrain myself not wanting to taint the perfection of this moment.

I find myself not wanting to leave as Hotaru and I fashion back on our shoes. I hug Jii-chan for a long time. He seemed so much bigger when I was a child, much more solid and permanent, but right now in my arms he was an old man fragile, but still my Jii-chan.

He even ruffles my hair and sends me down the front walk with a gentle nudge.

"This isn't goodbye." He says as he waves to us.

He doesn't stop waving even after we reach the gate. I settle back into Hotaru's car and take a deep breath. Neither of us speaks the whole drive back to her house.

I never thought I'd ever have another perfect day…

"Ready? One, two, three!"

Each twin planted a kiss on Ruka's cheeks in time for me to capture a sweet picture of the moment. Hotaru wasn't too amused, but she had had enough picture-taking for the day.

The sun was setting on graduation day. All my friends had adorned their black and red caps and gowns and walked the stage at Alice Academy's grand theater. I sat in the audience with the Imai's and hundreds of distinguished families and associated pressed and witnessed the whole event. I didn't feel jealous at all. I always thought seeing my friends graduate would be another reminder of something I'll never have, but with my equivalency exam passed and Youichi's adoption finalized, how can I envy anything?

I'm not saying that life is perfect, but regular tea time with my grandpa and Persona still in the wind; I can afford to smile more these days. And what's not to smile about? Grandpa and Youichi get along famously, my friends are about start their adult lives, Yuka is getting better according to Jii-chan, and Natsume is no longer gang affiliated. I'm still keeping my distance in my own pathetic effort to protect him, but seeing him stalk across the stage with no cap, gown wide open, casual clothes exposed, I felt a familiar flutter. He doesn't seek me out anymore. He doesn't hang out at the restaurant or the bar. According to Hotaru, Ruka says that Natsume's mom has been really pressuring him about the future which has led to a lot of fighting. After his mole operation with the police she thought Natsume might finally have an interest in something like maybe police work, but he's even more detached than usual which apparently is my fault.

Being in love with me is the worst thing for Natsume. That is a direct quote from Ruka who still hates my guts. Hotaru tries to assure me that Ruka can't really hate anything, but I'm pretty convinced putting people you love in danger and stabbing your best friend may have pushed Ruka into a realm he's never been before and in that realm is his ability to hate.

Even so we're all standing on the dock taking even more pictures before getting on the yatch for the graduation party. Since the party isn't technically a school function there is no restriction as to who can attend. The twins wouldn't let me say no and Hotaru already had a dress picked out for me.

One last night adorn a beautiful gown and say farewell to high school? I couldn't resist.

"One more! One more!" Anna yells taking the camera and shoving it into the hands of an unsuspecting passerby.

"Please take our picture." She demands rather than asks.

The passerby was so caught off guard by the sudden assault he just compiles and snaps several shots of our odd little group. Anna, Nonoko, and I making silly faces and subjecting Ruka to weird poses while Natsume and Hotaru stand on either side of the frame balancing out the image with their stoicism.

"Can we just go?" Hotaru asks.

Anna reluctantly retrieves her camera, but brazenly leads the group to the boat. Nonoko follows at her heels, Hotaru floats a few steps behind ignoring Ruka's offered arm as he tries to keep in step with her, and I trail behind watching my friends exude their personalities without words listening for Natsume's faint footsteps behind me.

It isn't until we arrive on deck that I lose his presence in the thumping bass. I turn my head ever so slightly to maybe catch a glimpse of him staring at me in my strapless ruby red gown by some famous designer whose name I didn't make an effort to remember, but as expected Natsume is gone and my heart takes a slight dip.

"Well, gatecrashing an elite high school prom? That's not a terrible surprise. Still following Natsume around like a lost puppy?"

Sumire iron clad in her trademark emerald green garb with too much make up on smirks at me.

"You know you could just confess your undying love for him tonight in a breathless cliché and then throw yourself overboard." Gretchen adds.

I can only smile at the two of them. I know that if they had any clue what Natsume and I have been through, they wouldn't even approach me. I can't be mad. They're just preppy little rich girls with nothing more important weighing on their minds than which credit card they're going to max out next.

Even if they were Natsume's girlfriends at one point or another they don't know him. They know the rebel, the bad boy, the heart throb, but they don't know the tortured spirit or the loving nature that lies behind his womanizing and the snide remarks. They've never watched him sleep or been kissed by him without lust being motive. They've never sat beside him cramming for a test while he throws objects at them playfully.

It's comical that they think just because I haven't slept with him and openly bragged about it, I am lesser then them. How can that be when I've felt his arms wrap around me gently, his fingers desperately running through my hair searching for answers rather than sex?

I laugh at the idiocy that has taken the physical form of the two girls in front of me.

"Sumire I hardly recognize you without a bar under your ass or you Gretchen without a stick up yours."

I waltzed away from them before they can combine their half-wits to produce a response. Anna is twirling in the center of the dance floor more interested in her lavender ruffled skirts than the music. Hotaru and Nonoko have absorbed themselves into the buffet table while poor Ruka holds the purses.

The night went by in blurs and not in an alcohol induced way, but in a good way. Dancing with the twins, eating with Hotaru, reenacting scenes from the Titanic with Nobara and Hoshio, and even being asked to dance by a guy who didn't spend the whole song staring at my chest. I danced under the stars and the sparkling lights and laughed till my cheeks hurt, but I couldn't help but have these moments of silence where the urge to search the crowd for Natsume was smothering me.

I excused myself for water and headed in the direction of the buffet table, but found myself wondering to the back of the ship where people were making out and smoking cigarettes. I distanced myself from them and leaned over the rail to watch the foam from the back of the skip fade into the sea.

"Going somewhere?" a voice asks.

I smile and reply, "Yeah about to catch a taxi."

"Hope you can afford the fare." He says.

I finally turn to deliver my mocking grin, "Oh shoot I left my purse with Hotaru."

He scoffs, "Typical."

He rests his forearms on the mental bars and cast his ruby gaze across the sea. I want to wrap my arms around his broad shoulders and bury my face in the nape of his neck, but I resist. I wish we could just forget everything and have this perfect moment, but I know that's asking too much. To wash our slate clean, snipping out all the bad pieces would just be a lie. The only way to any possible future is through the pain and destruction. Even this magical night that lay between the beautiful sea and star-filled sky isn't enough.

"Are you going to stop running?" he asks.

I sigh, "That's a funny question coming from you. He who runs from feelings."

"I tried."

"Tried to do what exactly? Bare your soul? You know I can't trust you. How can you ask me to?"

"That's not what this is about. You do trust me. You know you can trust me. You know I did everything I did to protect you. You're just running away as usual."

He walks away from the railing back towards the party. In a moment of rage I grab his arm and jerk him back in my direction.

"You think I like things this way? I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't and it sucks. I'm through crying and being scared, but there are only a few things that I can do for myself right now. I need to feel like I'm trying."

"Locking it all away and lashing out at me isn't going to change anything. Persona could be wasting away in a ditch somewhere and instead of being with me and making the most of it, you are chasing your own tail with the false notion of protecting me."

"I'm pathetic and stupid this isn't exactly new information to me. I am best friends with Hotaru 'always stating the painfully obvious' Imai."

"Well as long as you know." He says.

"Yes. I do know, but I will do whatever I need to do. I'll do something just to keep from feeling like I'm doing nothing."

He walks up to me, close enough to tower over me with his breath on my lips, "If you're going to do something, then _do_ something. You're the same girl you always were, but somehow it's worse."

Watching him walk away from me makes me feel torn between chasing after him and locking myself in the bathroom, both of which are fancy party clichés. So I just watch him go. I just do nothing. I continue twirling my skirts and laughing with my friends. Is this living? I'm no better or worse off than I have been. Persona still haunts me, my mother is the last person I ever want to see and now that I have the two documents that I set out to get months ago I've hit a stand still. Do I want to be a single waitress for the rest of my life? Working to put Youichi through college which he probably won't even need me to do since he is a genius. What will I have to show for my life in a year or five?

"Mikan?"

"Hotaru."

In her pearl lavender gown she looks even more regal than normal.

"Where have you been?"

"Just wandering like always." I answer.

"Well let's go back to the party." She says.

"Okay."

I start to walk towards the music, but her pale hand stops me.

"But first…"

She placed an Alice Academy graduation cap on my head.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Giving you a proper graduation send off."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look I don't do mushy girl feelings, but I do know that today was hard on you even though you won't admit it. Being here with all of these elite brats going on to bright futures must make you feel pathetic and awful."

"Just when I couldn't put my feeling into words, Hotaru Imai shows up to save the day."

"Mikan you're just as good as anyone here with an equally bright future. You can do whatever you want and be whoever you want. Most of these people will be alcoholics on their third failing marriage before the ten year reunion."

"Don't forget their fifth plastic surgery."

"Well that goes without saying."

We share one of our rare laughs. She takes me to the railing and we look out at the sea.

"Congratulations Sakura Mikan on all your achievements and endeavors. May you carry the pride of this moment into your future."

She moves the black tassel from one side to the other with a swooping grace.

"Thank you Hotaru."

"It's just the stupid generic speech they tell all the graduates as the cross the stage. I can't imagine doing this a thousand times."

I laugh again and watch the water kiss the side of the ship and retreat again and again. How I envy the simplicity of nature.

"Well?"

I look up into her piercing eyes, "What? I said thank you."

"No stupid you're supposed to throw it. You know? The celebratory whoop and casting off of the cap? Don't you watch movies?"

I laugh, "Oh yeah."

I remove the cap and toss it straight up into the air. It catches the breeze and sails over the current for a awhile before resting on the ocean surface. We stand there in silence that's full of a weird content the Hotaru and I have together. She's an odd comfort to me when she wants to be.

"Come on. Let's go drink some champagne. You need it."

I link my arm with hers and follow her back through the loud music and twisting bodies and get a drink. The bubbly glasses are more appealing to me now. I don't remember how many glasses I allowed myself to indulge in, but there came a moment when the music was so good and everyone was so happy and I was laughing so hard.

But Natsume's words kept finding me, coaxing me to do something. Do what? What is something? How do I get past all of this? How can I figure out my future and deal with Natsume?

Start at the beginning.

I don't know if it's the booze talking, but suddenly my first step seems clear.

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><p>*Line thingy goes here*<p>

ffn needs to work on their editing page -_-

ANYWAYS

_Hope you liked it and are excited for the next one. It should be posted soon as I will be starting on it asap. Any predictions for the ending?_

_I'm pretty stoked to see this one through :)_

_Lots of Love,_

_Chi-chan_


	23. Surrender

_Hello readers old and new,_

_I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update or thank you guys enough for your endless support. I hope to finish this story and perhaps even start a new one before I retire from fanfiction writing. I can't tell you what an honor it's been to write for you guys and read all of your comments and touch your hearts as you have touched mine. I'm so happy I have used this site to grow as a writer and a person._

_I just graduated from college and I'm looking into the uncertainty of the future, but I really do want to be a novelist, So thank you all who has suggested and encouraged me to do so. I hope I can make you proud._

_And as always ReadxEnjoyxReview_

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter 23: Surrender<strong>

I pull another rejected dress off over my head and toss it into the growing pile. Despite the shopping that I've been doing for the various events I've been dragged to by Hotaru or the twins, I find I have nothing to wear for a meeting with Yuka.

I mean what do you wear that says, "Thanks for abandoning me and choosing drugs over our life together, but it's okay because it all worked out in the end. Even though I'm still terrified your ex-boyfriend will show up and kill me in my sleep"?

I toss a chiffon number to side and continue digging through my closet. Everything I own is either too fancy or too casual. I don't want to look too good like I'm so much better off without her and I don't want to look like this is a casual meeting between acquaintances.

I honestly thought the hardest part of this whole thing was going to be calling my granddad and telling him I wanted to see her. He didn't seem surprised at all and told me that I should come over as soon as I was able. So now I have about an hour to get ready for this… _thing_ with Yuka. I can't even bring myself to call her "mom" so how on earth am I supposed to endure an entire conversation with her. She's been clean almost as long as I've been gone, so I don't even know what I'm going to walk into. I knew her as my mother, I knew her as the distraught widow, I knew her as the sobbing alcoholic and the drug addict, but I don't know Yuka in recovery.

I won't know how to talk to her. I watched her disintegrate; I took care of her as best I could, and then I left. So naturally the prospect of seeing her in person causes me closet raiding anxiety. I had Grant take Youichi to Aoi's an hour ago so I can melt-down in solitude. The walls of my apartment were practically closing in on me. Somewhere under all my mess-making, my cell phone was ringing.

"Hello Hotaru." I answer after locating it.

"Did you pick something yet?"

"No I- wait how'd you-"

"You're about as easy to read as a toddler's picture book. Your decision to see your mother didn't surprise me, so why would your anxious flouncing and tossing about of clothing elude me?"

"I think we need some space."

"Have you ruled out a simple shirt and jeans?"

"I don't want to be so casual about it."

"Why not? You call her by her first name."

"That's different."

"No it's psychology. You're having a hard time with this because you don't know who she is to you anymore. You need to decide who's going to be behind that door."

"But I can't. All of these 'what if's' are running through my head and I keep thinking that she'll be just like she was or even worse."

"But your Grandpa says she's doing better."

"I don't mean like that. I mean she was so broken and strung out she didn't even know who I was half the time. What if seeing me sends her spiraling into a depression again? I hurt her Hotaru. I didn't mean to, but I know I did. She made the wrong choice and I abandoned her. How am I supposed to sit down to tea after that?"

"You just have to do it. You won't have any of the answers you want by not seeing her. You did what you had to do for you and Youichi."

"I know."

"Then put on something and go. She's not going to care what you look like. Your clothes won't speak to her. Those big doe eyes of yours are what you should be more worried about."

She hangs up before I have a chance to retort. Typical of her, since she always wants the last word. I shift through my clothes again and pull on a green sundress. I picked it out because it reminded me of something my dad would like. Yuka and I can't really relate to each other, but dad will always be something we have in common because we both loved him to a fault. After pulling on a pair of ballet flats, I grabbed my purse and cardigan and made my way to Grandpa's via the metro and a lot of walking. I would have asked Grant to take me, but I needed all the time I could get my hands on to prepare. I tortured myself by running different scenarios in my head over and over. I watched my feet as it shuffling along the familiar streets towards Jii-chan's house.

When I arrived almost an hour late Jii-chan was sitting on the front porch looking like he had just heard a good joke. He looked up at me and his smile got wider.

"You're here." He said.

"Yeah I'm sorry I'm late I took the scenic route."

"I thought you might. She thought you weren't coming."

I couldn't find the words for a response, but Jii-chan didn't wait for one and lead me to the door of Yuka's room. He left me at the closed door with a gentle squeeze of my shoulder before venturing off to another part of the house. I stood at the door taking in various details of it. I knew every passing minute was more torturous than the last so with a deep breath I slid the door open and stepped inside.

The room was bright from the open doors and windows that allowed sunlight to stream through. It smelled like flowers and clean sheets. Yuka stood by the window with her back to the door. As I closed it behind me she turned and smiled at me. Her face is fuller. A sure sign of a solid food diet. She had a healthy glow even though her eyes were still a little sullen. Her turquoise floor length house dress clung to her wiry frame. Her body was certainly on the uphill climb to healing with plenty of road ahead.

"You're here." She said.

"I'm here," is all I could reply.

"I thought you wouldn't come."

"I thought I wouldn't either."

"But you did."

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, "I did."

Neither of us moved an inch toward or away from each other. I found myself wondering what to do with my hands. I had a firm grip on my purse, but every passing second was making me self-conscious.

"Tea?" she asked.

I could only nod, somewhat embarrassed at being so flustered. She used to wipe my nose for Kami sake. We sat at the kotasu and she poured tea with slightly shaking hands. Whether she was nervous or hadn't regained her full strength yet, I couldn't tell. I removed my cardigan. The direct sunlight light was warming my skin and made me feel a little more comfortable. I tried to push my mind to a place where tea with my mother was a normal occurrence. I tried to imagine an alternate path where I graduated high school like a normal girl. I finished my college entrance exams and we were on vacation in the country with Jii-chan. No matter how sickly sweet the fantasy, the bitter reality nestled itself at the base of my neck. I can't push my mind far enough away to feel at ease.

We sip tea with the twittering of birds and a trickling of water filling the space. Yuka spoke first.

"I don't even know where to begin. I've imagined this in so many ways, but they all end the same." She said.

Her eyes started to hold that familiar glisten like she was about to cry. I could barely handle silence, crying is not an option.

"Don't." I say without fully meaning to.

"What?"

"Don't look at me like that. Don't look me like you're going to cry your heart out. I can't deal with that right now." I explain with a sigh.

"I've cried enough Mikan. I cried from the minute you left and I haven't stopped crying. I don't even remember much of anything after that. I wanted to die that was clear. It was the only clear thought I had. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital for overdose and Rei had me transferred into a facility."

She took a sip from her china cup and placed it back on the saucer as best she could with the tremble in her hands.

"It's the only decent thing that man has ever done for me." She said.

She described the facility she went to and how detox ran her body down with so much illness they didn't think she was going to make it. Weak, trembling, and bed ridden, Yuka was ready to die.

"I couldn't keep anything down and lost even more weight. They had to hook me up to an IV. My hair was falling out and I couldn't even leave my room."

Claire, a half British bed nurse, took good care of Yuka. She was overly- attentive to her because she said Yuka was a wounded soul. Would she have been so nice if she knew most of the wounds were self-inflicted I wonder. Listening to Yuka's account of rehab and recovery was both relieving and vexing. I was relieved that she made it to the other side of recovery without dying, but I was vexed that she hadn't made the choice herself. Persona had dumped her there and she didn't have a choice. She was in no condition to leave and she reserved herself to die.

"I'm so sorry Mikan. I know I could never really pay for what I've done, but I've missed you so much."

A laugh gurgled out of my throat. She looked confused. I tried my best to look apologetic.

"I'm sorry Yuka, but I don't know what I was expecting. A triumphant story of a woman who conquers her addiction and longs to reunite with the daughter she traded for a few bumps? That's not what this is so just stop."

"Mikan I-"

"You what? You're sorry? You want some kind of heartfelt hug and joyous reunion? Wake up. This is not a fairytale ending. Since I left I have been killing myself to make every day just a little less shitty. With the help of my friends and my own will I have succeeded, but I allowed myself to romanticize this meeting with you. You're not strong Yuka. You're weak and you're pathetic."

I stood up from the table, "If Persona had dumped you into a gutter or a crack house then you _would_ be dead. That's the reality. I guess we're both just lucky."

She gave a defeated sigh, "You've hated me for a long time. Why shouldn't you? I put everything on top of you. You couldn't have a normal life because of me. I hate me too."

I can feel anger boiling inside me, "Don't do that! This is not some pity party for you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! How do you think we got like this in the first place?!"

She nods with a sad smile on her face, "You're right. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that phone call in the kitchen and hearing that voice on the phone telling me my husband is dead. It was like a switch went off inside of me. A light that went out forever."

"You're not the only on that lost him." I said through gritted teeth.

"I know. I should have been strong, but until that day your father was the one I drew my strength from. Without him, I didn't know how to move forward."

"You should have figured it out. I did."

She looked down into the tea cup letting the wisps of steam trail the curves of her face, "The problem is Mikan, I couldn't. I never have. Because you are his daughter you inherited that strength. I envied you. How you could still laugh and go to school and carry on like everything was okay."

"So you were too weak to move forward, but not so weak to let Persona into our lives?"

"Rei didn't just offer me drugs in a dark alley Mikan. He was nice to me. He didn't treat me like a mental patient. He listened to me."

"I listened to you."

"No Mikan. You took it upon yourself to be my mother and make me the child."

"What was I supposed to do?! Just leave you there?!"

"Yes!"

A hollow silence filled the air between us.

"I could hear you muttering under your breath. The annoyance, the anger, the reluctance every time you came near me. How do you think that made me feel?"

"I was angry!"

"I know that and I'm so sorry, but I was in pain. Not just heartbroken, but completely distraught. Izumi was the love of my life and one day he was just gone. You've never been in love, so I can't expect you to understand."

I wouldn't understand? The mere mention of Natsume Hyuuga's name sends me in an idiotic frenzy. I'm a stew pot of complex emotion where he is involved. I put my life on the line for him and he did the same for me. I know what it's like to be in love.

Then I imagine Natsume dying on that train or getting shot by Persona in a dark alley and it sends my stomach in knots. Yuka thinks I'm strong, but how would I react if Natsume died? If he was my husband and father of my child one minute and with one phone call he was gone from my life forever. I can't say with all certainty that I'd be able to move on from that. I think of Youichi having to take care of me the way I took care of Yuka. I did mutter under my breath. There were days that I was so frustrated and thought she was so out of it that I thought she wouldn't hear me.

But she did and it made things worse and harder for her. I didn't handle my dad's death as well as I thought I did. Repressed memories of shattering dishes and tearing posters off my walls came flooding back to me. I wanted my mom to be okay so badly that I never realized how far from okay I was.

"I'm sorry." I said.

She smiled a bit, "I'm the last person you should apologize to. You have every right to be mad at me."

"I am mad at you. I've been so mad at you for so long and blaming you for everything that's gone wrong."

I sat back down at the table feeling empty. All my misguided anger and disappointment in my mother, was holding both of us back from healing. In order to forgive her, I have to be willing to take responsibility for my part in the last ten years of my misery. I guess if anyone asked me what I got out of all this I wouldn't say security or real friends or clothes. I'd say that I learned that you can't live life with a chip on your shoulder blaming everything and everyone for what's gone wrong. I could blame my dad, but he didn't choose to die. I could and do blame Yuka for handling things in the worst possible way, but she wasn't physically or mentally capable of any alternatives.

As I sat there looking at her with the slight tremble in her hands, sullen eyes, and pasty complexion, I realize that she didn't choose this. I thought she picked drugs over me, but how can I really be angry at her for turning to the one thing that made her pain escapable? I could blame Persona for ruining our lives, but he was just doing what his life lead him to do. He didn't fight back, Yuka didn't fight back, and I'll ever even know if my dad fought back.

I do know that I fought back. It wasn't a single act. It wasn't running away that was my battle, but every day since. But all this fighting had put me at war with people in my life: Yuka, Hotaru, Natsume, Ruka, Persona.

Was I going to fight forever?

Life is always an uphill battle. It's filled with people who don't like you for one reason or another and circumstances that are out of your control. The only choice you have is what you do about it. Though this is your only power, it is the only thing that matters. Life can knock you down to the ground, but it isn't the fall that defines you. What defines you is how you get back up.

"I have to go." I say rising to my feet.

"Mika-," she began.

But I cut her off, "I'll come again soon."

She didn't protest, but a small sad smile was on her face. Trying to sort out how I feel about her in one day is an impossible task we both know that, but it gives me a reason to keep coming back.

"How is she doing?" Hotaru asked me later that night.

I swirled the spoon in my yogurt, burying the chunks of fruit under the creamy cement. We were in Hotaru's room with Hotaru clicking away at her keyboard and me laying on the floor and stuffing my face with yogurt. I shrug my shoulders, "Good I guess. The worst of withdrawal is behind her. She shakes a lot and can't stand for long periods, but Grandpa takes her outside once a day so she can get some sun and exercise."

"So why are you so miserable?" she asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"You've look even more dejected after seeing her."

"I'm still processing."

After a long pause she asked, "Mikan, do you wish your mother was dead?"

I sat up abruptly, "What?"

"Think about it. If she was dead you wouldn't have anything to worry about. She'd be gone, you could go and see your grandpa whenever you want to and you wouldn't feel so guilty."

"How can you ask me that? Of course I don't wish that."

"Then what's your problem?" she asked turning away from her computer to look at me.

"You don't get it. How could you?" I said getting up from the floor.

"Of course I couldn't. I'm not damaged." she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh trust me you are very, very damaged. You're just too up yourself to see it."

"You know what I do see? A girl who should be counting her lucky stars, but insists on whining and moping instead."

"I'm sorry that I just can't force some optimism into my diet."

"I sat across from you and listened to you cry about every horrible thing that has happened to you in the last three years. I know that dealing with Persona again knocked loose some things that you weren't ready to deal with, but you need to surrender the illusion of control. Bad stuff happens. Period. You can't stop it and you can't avoid it. You should understand that more than anyone, but good things happen to you too. I've read articles about girls in situation like yours. You know where those articles are? Next to their obituaries."

"Are you going to break into song and tell me life is a precious gift?" I reply in a sarcastic huff.

"No I'm going to tell you to stop acting like an idiot and realize that there are far worse outcomes to your situation. Your mother is alive. You can fix your relationship with her and make up for the time you've lost. Or you can keep punishing her."

I was ready to storm out of Hotaru's room, my head swollen with rage, but like always she was right. Hotaru could see it and she's never even met Yuka. Yuka flat out said it earlier today. All my anger and confusion was just an attempt to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I sat down at the foot of Hotaru's bed and cradled my knees. I know the logic. I know that to heal you have to let go and move forward. I've been over this, but how do you let go of something that was the only thing keeping you warm at night?

Then I realized I was clinging to my anger the way Yuka clung to her drugs. I was a junkie for anger. If any of those other pesky emotions tried to creep up I was plunging a needle into my arm filled with liquid hate.

Hotaru sat down on the floor next to me and sighed, "I don't want you to cry hysterically or lock yourself in a dark room listening to crappy songs that are supposed to induce tears, but you do need to feel something other than what you're feeling now."

"I'm angry."

"I know."

"No Hotaru. I'm so mad at her. I'm afraid to feel anything else."

"You can't be angry at your mom because she's trying to make amends. You can't be angry at Natsume because his only crime was being moronically in love with you and you can't be angry at me for being right."

"I know." Even the tears escaping down my cheeks were hot.

In a rare moment of empathy, Hotaru wrapped her arms around me which made me cry harder. She just held me there letting my tears wet the front of her blouse. She just stroked my hair and let me cry. I really should be counting my lucky stars because Hotaru was by far the best thing to ever happen to me.

"I blackmailed Ruka." she said as my tears were subsiding.

"Huh?"

"Prior to our actual relationship, I used to blackmail him all the time. It started when my father took me to a stable to pick out my first horse. I must've been five or six then. My father was speaking with the stable owner and I was wandering the stalls by myself when I saw a blonde boy sleeping in a pile of hay next to a baby horse. I never knew my cheeks could grow so warm so fast. I didn't want to wake him so I snapped a picture and left without making a sound. Imagine my surprise when he shows up in my class the following Monday. He was pretty like a china doll. He wasn't loud or nauseating like the other boys so all the girls liked him almost instantly. I kept his picture with me all the time. Sumire caught me looking at it once and offered me her watch as a trade. It was then I realized that girls are morons. But I saw Anna give Ruka her cookies and how he smiled at her and she blushed. I knew I'd never be one of those idiots and Ruka would never look at me the way he looked at them."

"That must've been awful."

She scoffed, "I loathed him. I wanted to make him feel as embarrassed as I did. So I blackmailed him. I took pictures of him at the stables and sold them to the girls at school. The cuter he was being, the more money I made. The first time he ever spoke to me was to beg me to stop. It was a relationship I could tolerate. It meant I had something with him that no other girl ever could. He would chase me around trying to get my camera. He'd go snooping in my locker to try and find it. He knew my class schedule, my favorite spot in the library, my favorite book, and I think by the time we were in middle school he started to like me the way I never thought he could."

I sat up and looked at her, "That's really romantic… in a Hotaru kind of way."

"I didn't think so. It was completely irrational and vexed me even more. I was mad at him for liking me for being myself. He was supposed to like sugary, sweet girls like Anna not me."

"So because you couldn't hide behind your camera anymore you were upset?"

"No it was because him liking me made my anger irrational. I had gotten what I wanted even though I couldn't admit it. The anger kept the wall between us intact. I started to go overboard with the photos. I wanted to make him mad at me so we can both be mad at each other and things between us could stay the way they were. Being angry at him, no matter how irrational I knew it was, meant that I didn't have to deal with the reality of our changing relationhip."

"So you think that's what I'm doing?" I asked rubbing my face dry.

"After a while I just had to accept the fact that Ruka was a remarkably incredible moron who was going to like me regardless of how stoic and disconnected I am from people. No matter how many pictures I took, he wouldn't stop smiling at me. You need to accept the fact that the people in your life want to be there and you can stay angry and keep pushing them away or dare to let them love you for the damaged goods you are."

"And crazy. Don't forget crazy." I said flopping down on the floor mimicking a corpse.

"You're not crazy. A girl well on her way to becoming a bitter old lady, but you're not crazy. Your mom is alive, Natsume isn't the devil, and I'm not going to put up with your idiotic moping. Let the good people in. Fill your life with enough good memories that the bad ones dull into the background."

I laid on Hotaru's bedroom floor for a long time. Being angry made things easier. If you're mad you don't have to deal with people and most times people don't want to deal with you. If I stayed angry the walls between Yuka and I can stay where they are and she can't hurt me. When I gave her my ultimatum before I left her, a part of me thought it was the drastic step that might jolt Yuka back from the brink, but instead she went right over the edge and into the abyss. The only silver lining was that she hadn't taken me with her. Now its months later and everything inside of me wants to forgive her. I want to collapse into her arms and hold my mother and have her stroke my hair. But underneath that desire is the much darker yearning to see her hurt. To see her be crushed by the fact that I made it on my own without her and I didn't need her to stroke my hair.

Then I remember Youichi and how much strength I draw from him. Much like how my mother drew her strength from my father. I assumed it was guilt that kept me from wanting to see Yuka. The fact that her only child left her to be ravaged by her drugs and waste away in that house. When I strip away that thin layer of guilt there is only anger. What if Youichi had died in that house? Would I have had the strength to leave? The determination to build a better life in a new faraway place? Maybe that was the real lesson in all this. To find strength in the one place it really means something: yourself. I look at Hotaru in her fresh blouse with her eyes trained on her computer screen and I couldn't think of one person in her life that if they disappeared she would completely crumble.

Devastation? Of course.

In need of time to heal? Definitely.

But I can't see a world where Hotaru Imai would stop being herself if any person died. I have no doubts that Hotaru loves her family and Ruka, but the source of what makes Hotaru a pillar of reputable strength comes from inside her. Yuka was wrong about me. I wasn't my father's daughter. When it came to relying on the strength of others I completely got her genes. Youichi was my rock. I wouldn't have made it through the worst of it without him by my side. Support is great and necessary because life (for all intents and purposes) sucks. It's frightening to think a single horrible incident is all that stands between me becoming my mother.

I gathered myself up off of the floor and ventured off in search of where Youichi might be holed up playing video games or reading comic books. I found him inside of the game room with Ruka in the middle of a very intense lap of some cartoon racing game. Ruka was jumping around hitting buttons like a mad man while Youichi just sat perfectly composed hitting his buttons methodically. Neither one acknowledged me so I just stood watching from the doorway. Youichi dark grey hair and teal eyes always made him seem other worldly to me. Far more mature and silent than any six year old I've ever seen in my life. I remember how afraid I was for him. I was willing to take Persona's fury on by myself if it meant that Youichi was alright. It was really Youichi that gave me the strength to move forward. The strength to live.

Unlike Yuka I had to find strength in myself. Standing in the doorway watching Youichi hit buttons on his controls, I know I love him in a way that I could probably never love anyone else and that's okay, but being so dependent on him is selfish of me. Yuka didn't know anyway else to be, but I will not let my life mirror hers.

I need to be strong enough for myself. So maybe one day when Youichi is ready to lean on me or leave me, I can handle it.

I can handle it.

"You're back."

I slid the door closed behind me, "I'm back."

"Tea?" I asked setting my bag down on the floor as I joined Yuka at the kotatsu.

"You look so beautiful." She said.

"Thanks."

I find this anecdote funny in a parental humor kind of way. It was raining outside and I was wearing faded jeans and a white sweatshirt with my hair pulled up in a ponytail. By social standards I was a mess, but parents only see the shiny beacon of perfection when it comes to their children. I tried to make myself feel comfortable with Yuka watching my every move. I poured her a cup of tea from the pot my grandfather probably set out for us.

"How is You-chan?"

"He's good. Actually he's kind of a genius. It takes school tuition off my plate." I said as I poured my own cup.

"You should bring him by sometime. He'd love the koi pond."

I rested the tea pot gently back on the table, "I'm sure he would, but I'm still adjusting to all this."

"I just think a visit would be nice."

"Maybe."

"The summer festivals will be stating soon. You love the summer festivals. All the games, bright yukatas and fireworks. I'm sure You-chan would look absolutely adorable in traditional dress."

"Youichi isn't a fan of costumes. He thinks they're stupid."

"Little boys can be like that I guess."

"He's not like most little boys."

"With what he went through that's to be expected."

"I wish I could take it all away."

"You never liked to see pain. You cried all the time when you were little. Movies, books, all pain was real to you."

"I guess I was a bit of a crybaby."

"Your father used to say that you were a passionate child."

"Passionate about crying?"

"I think he just meant that you feel all of your emotions fully."

"Or that I was a basket case. And he would be right."

"I hardly think your dad would think anything like that. You were his perfect girl. From the day you were born all pink and screaming, your father just saw this amazing, beautiful baby who would grow to be more perfect every day."

"What a disappointment." I said only half-joking.

"You couldn't disappoint him if you tried."

I opted for a long sip of tea over a verbal response. The rain was still falling heavy outside and provided an excellent distraction. There was a lot to be said between Yuka and me but in my attempt to ease my anger and not be so cruel to her I have to pace myself. It involves a lot of biting my tongue and holding my breath, but it gets a little easier as time passes. There more I tell myself that she is trying, the more it makes me want to try.

I want to visit her more. To understand her more. I want to make up for the years we've lost. I just have to keep telling myself that she wants the same thing. Perhaps we can salvage something out of the pain.

"I've decided something." I say after a while.

"Oh?"

"Yes. I've decided I'm not going to be you."

Her face fell slightly, but she kept her small smile in place, "Oh."

"What I mean is that I realize how much like you I am. You told me I got my strength from dad, but I got a lot from you too. Some good, some bad. The worse being your need to rely on others. I thought that if I hated you that would be enough for me not to be like you, but I was wrong. Just because I hate what you did doesn't mean I have to hate you."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. You know that I would take it all back if I could."

"I know."

We settled into a comfortable silence which is something I never thought possible. The only silence that ever filled the space between Yuka and I had the lingering scent of Vodka and body odor. Now the air smelled like fresh towels, warm tea and the rain.

What a difference a few months can make.

Regular visits with Yuka are still a little far off for me, but I don't dread them anymore. Jii-chan calls me on the phone all the time and never forgets to ask when I'll be back to visit again. Somehow in his old age my grandfather has managed to hold on to his cunning. The combination of charm and guilt always prompts me to make promises to visit soon.

As I hang up the phone with Jii-chan and resume my spot next to Youichi on the couch, I think about the other messes in my life that need tending to. Now that I have a high school diploma, university is back on the table. Reasonably speaking I can always start taking classes at the local junior college, but then I'll have to answer a lot of questions I don't have answers for.

_What do you want to study?_

_What are your interests?_

_Where do you see yourself in five years?_

I only seem to know what I don't want for myself. I don't want to keep running. I don't want to die. I don't want to let anyone down. Other than those things, everything else is a complete mystery to me. Could I see myself as a nurse or a teacher? Not unless I was going to a costume party. How on earth am I supposed to plan out my entire life when surviving day to day has been more than enough of a challenge?

I tug my blanket tighter around my shoulders and sink further into my mental depression. I ran from my past to save my present only to realize I have no sense of my future.

"Hey Youichi, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"That's a stupid question."

"Hm? Why?"

"Because the answer is always stupid. I'm supposed to say something dumb like a fireman or a police officer. No one cares about anything else."

"I guess you're right. It's far more important to ask what kind of person you want to be huh?"

Youichi merely shrugs.

"So what kind of person do you want to be Youichi?"

"Strong. I want to be strong."

Youichi never takes his eyes off the television, but there's a strong conviction in his voice that puts me at ease.

Strong, huh?

Life is made up of random circumstances that shape who we are and ultimately who we will become. Every awful or wonderful thing has led me here and has led Yuka back to a bed in her father's house with her estranged daughter living just a few miles away. I try to imagine life through Yuka's eyes. The child who lost her mother, the girl who had a baby too soon, the woman who lost her husband, the shell of a woman who welcomed death by any means. The more I tried to understand it, the more foreign it became. It was like saying a word over and over to yourself until you start to doubt whether or not it really is a word. I've heard things like "speak it into existence", but can you speak something out of existence?

Can I just keep telling myself everything is going to work out and all the bad stuff with just fall away? With my whole heart I want to believe that, but it takes more than sheer power of will to make or break something. Maybe that's what Natsume meant that night on the boat. When he was telling me to do something he meant to stretch beyond my will.

Before I could sink further into an existential crisis my cell phone started to ring.

"Hello?"

"Oh. My. God."

"Sorry he's not here. Can I take a message?"

"Very funny Mikan."

"I thought so. What's the crisis now Anna?"

"Hotaru's party is a mega crisis."

"Because?"

"_Because _everyone and I do mean _everyone_ is going to be there. How on earth am I supposed to get any attention with Sumire and the fan girls pawing at every guy in sight?"

"Still waiting for the part of this conversation that is supposed to be a crisis."

"Mikan!"

"Relax Anna. You are far more interesting than those girls will ever be. Plus I'm sure they will all be clamoring for Natsume's attention."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just thought that since you and Natsume are kind of together."

I can feel the traitorous blush rush to my cheeks, "We are not!"

"Oh come on Mikan. Word travels you know."

"Word? What word? From who? There were no words!"

"What are you embarrassed about? Natsume may be a total jerk, but he's totally hot. Plus you're like the only girl who's held his attention this long."

"I'm not trying to."

"Well Sumire and Gretchen _really _hate you. So it must be pretty serious. If you and Natsume got married you'd be a Hyuuga and wife to the heir of his entire family legacy. It would be like being royalty!"

"Anna hit the brakes and throw it in park. No one and I repeat_ no one _is getting married. We haven't even spoken to each other since the graduation party."

"Well then talk to him at Hotaru's."

"Yeah because between the fan girls and the loud music and drunken idiots there will be a perfect atmosphere for an intimate chat."

"Well why don't you just call him? Ask him to meet you somewhere."

"I couldn't."

"Why not? He's not going to bite you. There'll be time for that much later."

"Okay ew."

Her laughter bubbled through the speaker, "Just call him. Don't be such a wimp."

She hung up before I could attack her with the never ending list of reasons why calling Natsume was not going to happen. On second thought it's a good thing she hung up because I couldn't come up with anything except the uncomfortable twisting that occurred in my stomach when I thought about calling him.

I put my phone on the coffee table and stare at it. It was taunting me somehow. I can only hear Anna's sugar laden laugh and the longer I stared the louder it got. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. Why can't he just call me first and spare me the humiliation? What would I even say to him?

I distract myself from the dilemma by cooking dinner. And what's dinner without dessert? Procrastination spiraled out of control leading me to wash, dry, and put away all the dishes and by the time I go back to my phone it is way past a decent calling hour. I feel relief with a simultaneous urge to kick myself.

Before I could contemplate how to get my head into the garbage disposal my phone rings.

"Hi Hotaru."

"You didn't call him did you?"

"No."

"Idiot."

"I have a small child to take care of you know."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Don't start. You've obviously been talking with Anna."

"Why she insists on calling me about things I already have knowledge of I have no idea."

"Anna just has he gift of gab."

"Sure seems that way."

"I have no idea what either of you are talking about anyway. If I wanted to speak to him I would call him. I haven't and therefore I do not wish to talk to him at this time."

"Whatever. If you and Natsume want to tiptoe around each other till the end of time that's fine with me. Just leave the dramatics at home when you come to my party."

"Because I was really looking forward to causing a scene?"

"Call him, don't call him, I really couldn't care less, but if he takes the opportunity to whet his appetite with some of the more prominent socialites at my party you are banned from all scene-making."

"Like that would ever happen."

"Which part? The notorious womanizing Natsume giving in to temptation or you letting your emotions get the better of you? Either way you look at it, it won't be pretty. Call him."

Another abrupt hang up

Doesn't anyone say goodnight? I toss my phone onto the pile of clothes I was shifting through. I need to find something to wear to the party. Something that says "I don't care if you kiss someone else I'll just stand here and look hot." Well maybe not hot, but I'll settle for a delicate smolder. Hardly anything in my closet strikes me as more than lukewarm. With my luck, the night of the party will probably be unseasonably cold. I can see myself in a tiny cocktail dress shivering so hard everyone will mistake it for a new dance craze or a standing epileptic seizure.

Its summer what am I contemplating shivering seizures for? I just needed to be myself right? That is such generic advice. 'Be yourself.' What a crock. There are at least seventeen versions of myself and I'm pretty sure they all belong in group therapy. The task right now is picking one of them to be on display at the party.

Cool and aloof Mikan who barely casts a glance in Natsume's direction?

Happy and ditzy Mikan who can't stop dancing and laughing long enough to acknowledge Natsume's presence?

Or sexy and confident Mikan who maintains eye contact while sipping champagne?

Okay I know I can't pull off that last one anywhere except in my imagination. The question at this very moment was which version of me could handle a telephone conversation with him right now.

I scrolled through the names in my contact log very slowly. I was trying to drag out the process for as long as possible which isn't exactly easy when there are only like five numbers in your cell phone. I have his number saved under 'Natsume Meanie :(((.' Which I really should change since it seems painfully immature at this moment.

If I call and he's asleep, I get to look brave and confident without actually having to talk to him. On the other hand if he picks up and sounds annoyed at having being woken up I don't think I can bare it. What if he hangs up on me? What if I hang up on him in a panic?

Enough is enough. I select his name from my pathetically small contact list and put the phone to my ear. It rings about twice and my stomach drops into my foot.

"Natsume?"

"Who is this?" a female voice asks.

"Sumire?"

"Well I know that you're not Sumire because there can only be one and that's me."

"No, I know. I just meant-,"

"Wait I'd know that annoying mousy tone anywhere. Shouldn't you be scrubbing down tables at Imai's?"

Completely at a loss for words, I try to stifle my incoherent babbling. Sumire's laughter is sharp, short, and cruel.

"You really are a lost cause. Look I know you've enjoyed your time as a cheeseburger or whatever, but it's over now. I am back on top and I do mean that literally. So this is where we can say our goodbyes."

I swallow the lump in my throat, "I would like to speak to Natsume."

"Hello? Are you deaf? Me and Nastume are back together and I would appreciate it if you would back off. You and Gretchen can keep each other company."

"I get it Sumire. You're mean and you're the queen, but if it's not going to make a difference in your newfound love life, I would like to say something to Natsume."

A brief pause and shuffling, and then silence. I don't know if she put her finger over the speaker or put me on mute to have a moment with Natsume, but it was another second before Nastume's voice finally came over the phone.

"Oi."

It took me a minute before I could speak. I didn't really know what to say. I was mad at him, but I knew I didn't have a right to be. I was sad for myself, but I didn't own rights to that either. So squawking like a spurned lover was out of the question and so was the emotional pity party.

"You were right about me." I finally managed to say, "But you knew that. I was right about you too, but not how I expected. I just wanted you to know that. Goodnight."

I think my voice might have cracked towards the end, but when the call was safely ended and his name faded from my screen, I unleashed a wave of tears that made me thankful that Youichi was already tucked away in the bedroom. I wanted to throw my phone throw the window, but my frustration with myself would not be subdued by a broken phone and shattered window. Adding Hotaru's wrath to the mix wouldn't be doing me any favors either.

What am I doing?

Sitting in front of Hotaru's infamous vanity mirror, applying eyeshadow, and having my hair curled by a maid, I thought about my mother. Not Yuka, but my mother. A young teenage girl with the world on a string sitting in front of a mirror getting ready for a party.

Was she as miserable as me?

Or was she laughing and enjoying herself?

As Marie, the maid, slid a final pin into my hair securing my curls to one side, I feel like an classic Hollywood starlet. Perfect brown curls cascading over my shoulder, pink tinted blush, rosy red lips, and pearl earrings. I feel just like Elizabeth Taylor. Way less fabulous and way more Asian, but still very Liz. I stood up and assessed my dress: black with a high, but decorative neckline with lace and a fitted body that gave the illusion of curves. Not drop dead sexy, but not wallflower either. I knew my chance of running into to Natsume was high so I wanted to wear something dark to perhaps camouflage myself in the dim lighting. Maybe that's cowardly, but I think going to the party at all after that horrific phone call was more than my share of brave. As far as I am concerned I am still in the green.

Hotaru emerges from her labyrinth of a closet with a pair of cheetah print heels in tow. She shoves them in my arms without so much as a word and dismisses Marie with a wave of her hand.

"Wow. Louis Vuitton. Are you sure I won't ruin them?"

"I have little faith." She said gathering her purse and shawl.

"Hotaru?"

She pulls on her left boot and looks up at me from behind her dark bangs, "What?"

I just look at her and smile, "Nothing."

"You're weird." She says.

I wanted to tell her how grateful I was to have her as a friend. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. Even though Natsume was still around, he was no longer an option for me and coming to terms with that put me in a very sappy mood. I wanted all of my friends and loved ones to know how precious and irreplaceable they are to me even though I might be exchangeable to them. Hotaru didn't like sappy moments and I didn't want to ruin her mood with my pathetic musings.

I picked up my wrap from her bed and pull it around my shoulders. I follow her down to the town car. I've only had a few rare occasions where Hotaru didn't drive her beloved silver Mercedes. I say 'beloved' very lightly because if you ask her she will tell you that it is just a car. She thinks that town cars are boring, but a necessity when she doesn't want to put her car at risk.

As we pulled up to the lake house, I could see the 'risk' entailed the complicated series of parking going on in front of the house. We had to descend the car several yards from the front porch and maneuver around cars to make our entrance. The music was loud, but infectious. We were hardly through the double doors before I caught myself doing a little hip swing. Hotaru abandoned me in search of Ruka and I tried to find Anna and Nonoko.

There are chairs lining the walls, but no one is sitting. Dancing and standing around yelling at each other to make conversation, but certainly no sitting. I couldn't find my friends, but I did end up in front of the buffet table which was spared no expense. Large plates decorated with scrumptious bite-sized morsels that I can feel my mouth watering for.

I start to pile an empty dish with lots of samples when a certain ruby-eyed devil and his mistress sauntered in. Sumire was in her signature emerald green color in the form of a romper with stiletto boots and Natsume went with his traditional all black ensemble. A few guys greeted him while Sumire quickly became the center of girl chatter and envy.

It's not like they were holding hands or anything, they could have just as easily arrived through the doors at the same time by pure coincidence. Nevertheless I abandoned my plate of food and took a sharp exit through the sliding glass doors. I stroll past various making out couples and few smokers only to wind up alone amongst a thicket of trees.

I'm admitting cowardly defeat by coming out here, but I don't care. I'm at a beautiful house by a beautiful lake in a beautiful dress and everything was so…beautiful. And I will not waste a beautiful evening trapped in a room with Natsume, Sumire, and everything I'm not ready to feel. I just followed my feet for a while. I watched my Louis Vuitton heels kick up dirt and debris as I went. Hotaru will probably kill me for bailing so early. I abandoned my yummy food stuffs, but the last thing I want is to be that lonely girl sitting in a corner stuffing cream puffs and tiny hotdogs in my mouth. They would remove 'pathetic' from the dictionary and put a picture of my hors d'oeuvre filled face.

I bet Elizabeth Taylor wouldn't be outside a fabulous party hiding from people. I wanted to lean against something, but I didn't want to risk the bark of the trees ruining the dress fabric. It had cost me a small fortune at a boutique I went to with Anna. I have all access to Hotaru's famous wardrobe, but I like buying things for myself. With my mother in the state she was in for the last few years I could never spend money on myself without feeling guilty. I avoided malls and shops like the plague. While other girls my age were out buying cute summer dresses and hanging out with boys and girlfriends, I was rushing home to make sure my mother wasn't dying of malnutrition.

In the most unexpected place in the most unexpected way I found a place to call mine. A place where I wasn't just some girl who never went out and studied all the time, I am Mikan Sakura. I've been stubborn. I've been spunky. I've been a downright crybaby, but I've been finding more of myself here than I ever have before.

I'm not the kind of girl that can be chased out of a room by an uncomfortable situation. I am the kind of girl who needs to be inside having fun with my friends before they go off to start their amazing lives. For the first time I can think about the future and be genuinely excited. Even if I didn't have Natsume and Hotaru was going off to university, I can still be myself. I'll smile and laugh and wish them all good luck. I'll stay right where I am so that they can find me. I will stop running away from things.

And then I spotted him.

Under a canopy of trees, cast in shadow by the moonlight, I can see him leering at me with that smile on his face.

I had every intention of going back inside. I had every intention of going back to the party. When it comes to fight or flight I'm pretty sure I have frequent flier miles. But as I saw Persona standing there like an apparition, it just didn't really occur to me that I could run.

In full possession of my wits and of sound mind, I went towards him as casually as I could and as he disappeared into the shadows. I just knew this journey would end up here.

Finally surrendering to my demon and following him to the gates of hell.

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><p><em>Definitely a cliffhanger moment, but very necessary since the last chapter which is indeed the next chapter will be jam packed with stuff that I just didn't want to put into this chapter because I feel like it will take away from the climax and epilouge. I hope you enjoyed and don't be shy with the reviews!<em>

_Sidenote: I had this thing ready 2 weeks ago, but I thought it was too short. So I made it longer because I didn't want to disappoint those of you who have been so patint with me. Thank you so much for sticking with me for so long. I love all of you!_

_Drop me a line._

_Lots of Love, _

_Chi-chan_


	24. Rebirth

_Hello all you amazing readers,_

_Well here we are the final chapter of what is most likely my last fic. (cue sobs) No really this has been an amazing outlet for my creative side and has been one of the most important support system for my writing style. You all make me really believe in myself as a writer and I can never repay you for that even if you've never commented or reviewed every click, every follow, every read has meant the world to me. I'm seriously tearing up right now. I really hope I live up to the expectations that a lot of you have for me. Please don't lose touch. I'm easily discouraged sometimes and would love to hear your kind words, honest criticisms and lovely emojis. Thank you all for everything I love you all from the bottom of my heart._

_So here we go,_

_RxExR_

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter 24: Rebirth<strong>

When I was a little girl I always had the same nightmare. I was being chased by a monster through the empty halls of my elementary school. I just had to make it to my dad's classroom and the monster would disappear and light would restore. The halls would fill with laughing kids and I would wake up smiling.

After he died, the nightmare would go on and on with me being chased down the never-ending hallway of the school. I would wake up screaming for someone to help me. My Jii-chan would come in and console me, but it just wasn't the same. The dreams stopped a few days after my dad's funeral because with him gone, I realized that there was nothing left to be scared of. Without him there to make the monsters disappear, I started to welcome the darkness in hopes that it might lead me to where he was.

It strikes me as a little poetic that I should think of this memory as I follow Persona between the trees and into the uncertain darkness of the forest. I do not have a death wish. I know how easy it would be to ditch my shoes and outrun him back to Hotaru's lake house. But after all of the waiting and cruel uncertainty of his existence I just couldn't let him out of my sight. I needed to be with him more than I needed to run away from him. In a twist of fate the person that I couldn't wait to get away from has become a beacon of stability. Ironically the only way I feel Persona can't hurt me is if he's right in front of me.

"I knew you'd come." I said as I stepped over a pile of fallen branches.

He stopped shuffling and looked at me over his right shoulder. Even in the dim light I could tell he was off. His trench coat that made him look intimidating now just swallowed his thin frame. His left hand was twitching quite noticeably and most of his weight rested on his right leg. He turned to me with that smirk plastered across his face.

"You should have ran. Or at least screamed. It's insulting that you came so quietly."

"I've been running from you for months now. You always seem to find me."

"I should've killed you years ago." He said as if the thought just occurred to him.

"I've often thought that myself, but you couldn't kill me. I had too many attachments to the outside world. Despite all your efforts to lock us up, someone would have notice I was missing. Classmates, teachers, someone would have noticed and eventually someone would come looking."

"I had other reasons of keeping you around. Just look at you. In your pretty party dress and fancy face. The things I've wanted to do to you…"

There was an unsettling heave in my stomach as he drew out his pause leering at me with one clear thought on his mind.

"But that's the trouble with you pretty ones. Always cost more than your worth." He said.

"You're disgusting."

"Why? Because I'm telling the truth? Where's your little boyfriend?" He threw his gaze about, "I thought that bastard was going to be my prodigy. Turns out he's been working for feds all along. And to top it all off he was slithering beside you all this time. So tell me, how far did you have to spread those satin thighs to get Natsume so noble? Don't be shy. You Sakura women surely have ways of getting what you want. I've experienced it firsthand."

"Natsume is nothing like you."

"Maybe not or maybe you just give him too much credit. I've been fantasizing about killing you since the day you took off. I even choked your mother a few times just to get the sensation right, but it didn't satisfy me. I couldn't find you in her eyes. There was no…fire. I wanted that burning look only you can give me. I want to watch that fire die."

"You're sick. You don't even want to kill me for revenge, it's all just lust to you."

He laughed, "If I want revenge, the best way to get it is through your little friends or the little brat or your feeble old grandpa. I don't want revenge. Revenge is an idiot's endeavor. To put in so much effort to get nothing in return is foolish. I want to rise again. Like a phoenix from the ashes. Your ashes. You and I are going rebuild an empire unrivaled by anything you've ever seen."

"I would never help you."

"The beauty of it is you won't have a choice. You've followed me away from your party and your friends because you know the same thing I do: we belong together. You can't stand the thought of me out of you sight."

Though Persona and I had come to the same conclusion, I'd never considered how wrong he might interpret my actions. I didn't want him out of my sight because the known is a lot less frightening than the unknown. I wanted Persona like I would want my eyes gouged out with a tea spoon. All the passes he made at me over the years and the relationship he had with my mother began to make sense. Persona wanted me that much was clear, but I suddenly realize that in his fragile mind he was obsessed with me. The crazed look in his eye as if I had all the answers to his problems. That I could restore his empire and make him the man he wants to be. Everything that he craves rests with me.

Something inside of me dissolved in that moment. Maybe it was the fragile veil keeping my sanity intact. I can't really say for certain, but all of sudden the situation seemed laughable.

So I laughed. A chuckle really. Barely above a giggle not lasting more than a second, but in the crippling serenity of the forest it might as well have been a snort coupled with a side splitting howl. The noise caught him off guard. As if it hung in the air completely tangible, mocking him with its presence.

I chose to speak, "You've made a mistake. You think I came out here with you to be your new beginning, but this is the end. I want you to disappear. I don't want to be with you. I'm not meant for you. You disgust me in every way. You're a pathetic drug addict. You think you can threaten me? I know when to be afraid of you, but I don't feel fear right now. All I feel is pity."

I didn't feel strong or brave. Especially when Persona lurched towards me with his hands aiming for my throat. I didn't feel invincible or daring. There was no surge of power from years of being abused and beaten into submission. My instincts drew me to stumble backwards which led to a downward tumble. Twigs and rocks stabbed at my legs as Persona scrambled his way on top of me. His right hand was locked on my neck, but his left hand was still twitching and couldn't maintain a tight grasp so he settled for pulling my hair.

Tears were welling in my eyes from the pain in my thighs. My breathing was labored due to the grip on my throat, but as I thrashed as much as I could on the hard ground my mind was unfocused. I stared out at the sky as my vision began to blur. I just wanted to stay awake. I didn't want this night to fade into the welcoming darkness of death. No matter how badly I wanted to see my father again, I didn't want him to see me with bloody legs and twigs and dirt in my hair.

My mind was pulled back into my body by the forceful blows of Persona slamming my head into the ground. He was over his unsavory affections and wanted me dead.

"Look at me! Look at me you bitch! I want you to watch me. Look at me!" He screamed.

Despite my harsh dismissal, I felt that Persona still wanted my approval. He wanted my attention. He still needed me. The desire to possess me overpowers his desire to eliminate me. I found the worst thing I could do in this situation is the best thing I to do: I closed my eyes.

"Open your eyes! You look at me! Look at me right now!"

He was pawing at my face trying to force my eyelids open, but with his lack of control of his left hand it was nearly impossible. He removed his right hand from my neck and tried to pry my eyes open with his fingers.

"Damn you. I said look at me! You look at me you bitch!"

I clenched my eyes shut and fought him completely blind. I tried to grab for his face, but he kept me at bay. As I wiggled beneath his weight looking for relief from the painful discomfort of the forest floor, Persona had other things on his mind as his hands left my face and dove under my dress. My eyes shot open as he acquired a firm grip on my underwear.

"Now you want to look? Good. I want you to see this."

He may not have full control, but he's strong enough to pin me down on my side as he tries to work my underwear off from under my tight skirt. I felt that familiar panic that I had encountered when I lived in that house. I was always careful to wear extra pants and tight draw string bottoms to prevent him from having easy access to me, but in this new life I had gotten careless. I allowed myself to walk about freely in clothes that made me feel like the Mikan I wanted to be.

What was I thinking? With Persona slinking around, I should have taken back to my old ways, but I didn't. I didn't want to be the zombie I was before. Slipping about that house to finish my chores, fighting off Persona's advances, trying to minimize the damage from his abuse, etc. My entire life for the past three years has revolves around this person. The beast that roamed about our dwelling ready to lash out for any reason at any time. No matter how clean the house was or how good the drugs were, Persona always found a reason to lash out.

Perhaps he just wanted to touch me. As he holds down my legs and tries to pry at my under garment, in his mind I know how erotic this all is to him. Like some fantasy being fulfilled. My thoughts wandered to Natsume and how firm, but gentle his hands are when he holds my hand or caresses my face.

The thought of Persona's filthy claws pawing at me being the last time anyone touched me made me sick to my stomach. I found myself digging my legs into the harsh pain of the ground to try to put any distance between us.

Amongst the debris of the forest was my jeweled hair pin. I grabbed for it and clutched it into my hand so tight that my palm stung. I'm still here. I'm still alive. Embracing the pain that confirms that fact. With as much force as I could gather from pain and panic, I stab the pin into Persona's hands repeatedly, sending him reeling backwards.

I scrambled in the opposite direction. My heart was pounding so hard in my ears I couldn't hear the screams of my limbs as more rocks and twigs attacked me. The adrenaline coursing through my veins didn't allow me to feel the pain. My mind had completely taken over and now was the time to fight back. Despite the wounds to his hand he was back at me within seconds. My shoe long abandoned, I planted my naked left heel into the ground and kicked out my right foot as hard as I could. He fell backwards with a thud and audible crunch along the ground.

I hurried to my feet and put some distance between us. As he tried to regain his footing, I could see that the heel of my shoe left a deep gash from his nose to his right cheek. He caressed the wound as blood began to trickle down his sullen cheeks. He pulled his hand away slowly and stared at his bloody palm.

"A fighter till the end." He said with a laugh, "Nothing like your mother at all."

He leaned against the trunk of a tree and breathed heavily. He was bent slightly at the waist making his dark locks cast a curtain over his face. All the times Persona had been this close to me, there was always a tension in the air as I waited foor him to yell or hit me for no reason at all. Now in the middle of this forest only several feet away from him I no longer feel that tension.

No more anticipation and waiting for blows to come. I had fought against him and found my footing all on my own. I thought about my friends being so close yet so far away in a world that I was fortunate enough to be invited into. Even though I never felt like I truly belonged there. I wanted very much to feel like I belonged with them, but with my past lapping at my heels like flames of a perishing fate I knew I could never fully submerge into this new life.

"Enough games," Persona said as his right hand disappeared behind his back.

From his trenchcoat, he pulled out a silver gun. With its long barrel, it reminded me of the guns I'd seen in old westerns like a six shooter revolver. Where guns are concerned a sudden tunnel vision comes over me as I stare into the barrel waiting for the spark and deafening 'BANG'.

"I hate guns. I love the way they look and feel, but there's no art in how they kill. It's over so quickly. I like to…savor it."

"I thought you said no more games?!" I shouted.

I was breathing heavily and clutching the pin in my hand so tight it might absorb into my palm. I kicked off my right heel and took an unsteady step toward him.

"Come on then! Do it!"

I took another uneasy step. He straightened up as I approached him and his mocking grin was gone. The gun was aimed right at my head and a jerk of Persona's finger is all that stood between me and the great trip into the unknown.

"You're a coward and a bully. You hurt people and you take from them. You're a goddamn parasite. Everything you touch, every life, every person becomes ruined. I wanted to get away from you. I had to run away from my own mother to feel like I could be rid of you. You're a disease. I hate you. I will never hate anything or anyone more in this life. So go ahead shoot me. You mean nothing to me. I'd rather rot in the ground than have to spend another second breathing the same air as you. I will never belong to you. I will fight you with every breath in my body. You may get my body, but only when there is nothing left inside. No heat, no fire, no sensation what so ever."

He cocked the gun, "Does death appeal to you _that _much?"

"I don't want to die. I don't want the last person I see to be you, but I will gladly welcome that fate as long I know I'm leaving you behind with nothing. You have no money, no empire. My life is just a consolation prize to you. Then you'll spend the rest of your worthless life running."

He had the gun a few inches from my face. He wore an expression of confusion and frustration.

"The police are already looking for you. How badly will they want you when they add murder to your list of charges?"

He shoved the gun into my cheek, "I'm going to bury you so deep they won't even find you. You've run away once, what's to keep you from doing it again. I'm not scared of the police, I'm not scared of your rich friends, and I'm certainly not scared of you."

"Oh really? Then why haven't you killed me yet?"

With a wild swing of my right arm, I drove my hair pin into Persona's left eye. His hands flew up and the gun discharged in the air as he screamed in agony. I took off running in no familiar direction and I could hear him firing the gun after me. My feet hurt against the floor as I tried to maintain my speed. I was brought to a halt and a tumble by a low hanging branch. I struggled to catch my breath after having the wind knocked out of me. My body was beginning to ache and throb having all it can take of the abuse by the forest floor.

I could still hear Persona's screams of pain which told me I didn't get too far. I had no idea if I was even going in the right direction back to Hotaru's lake house. My head felt heavy as I forced myself to be upright. The forest seemed darker and there was a chill in the night air I had been immune to when I had a psychopath threatening to kill me. I got to my feet and rested against a tree for support. Should I go back? Should I keep running until I saw something other than forest?

But as I stood there debating with myself, I knew my feet couldn't make another step. Whether it was the pain or the possible sprained ankle I couldn't be sure, but I think the real reason is that Persona's cries of anger and pain comforted me. He was experiencing a pain that could almost rival the pain he put us through for three years. He was all alone like I was during that time.

"Come on. Move." I said to myself.

I peeled myself from the tree and stumbled forward. I kept willing my body to move forward even as my mind felt that it was floating away. But for all my willpower I couldn't venture far from where Persona's cries of pain were ringing out.

What if he got away again?

I'm positive that he won't let another chance to kill me slip out of his fingers. Especially now that I had partially blinded him. I was willing to do anything to survive, but could I kill Persona? Something inside told me I couldn't, maybe it's my humanity, but under that was a vengefull and angry girl who would do anything to feel safe again. If Persona was gone for good there would be nothing left to be afraid of.

Tears of pain and frustration spilled down my cheeks and I wanted to go home. I could hear Persona stumbling around trying to get his bearings. With a deep breath I stumbled towards the sound. He was cursing my name which made him easier to find. Blood had stained the left side of his face as his hand clutched his impaled eye. He was hunched over using a tree for support. The gun was abandoned amongst the forest debris several steps from where Persona rested.

"Doesn't feel good does it?" I asked.

He turned his head to look at me with his good eye, "You bitch. You're gonna pay for that."

"An eye for eye? I already told you I'm not afraid of you. I'm still here. You're barely able to stand and you only have one good eye."

"Do you really think you can kill me little girl?"

"I don't think I can, but I know I can't run away anymore."

He leaned off the trunk of the tree and took a few uneasy steps forward. He picked up the gun and held it up with some difficulty, "Well at least you won't die like a coward."

"The last time you help that thing to my face, you lost an eye." I said.

He glared at me, but his expression slowly drifted to a grin, "I bet you miss your father. That's why you can stare death in the face and act so cocky. They never did catch his killer. Why would they? He was just some nothing school teacher. Struck down in broad daylight and no one gave a damn. Just another day to the cops."

"Shut up about my dad! You don't know what happened! You didn't know him!" I couldn't help but shout.

"But I did I knew of him anyway. Word travels you know. Some bozo gets the short end of the stick leaving behind a little wife and daughter. Word gets around. Your mother and I didn't meet by chance. I targeted her. Picked her out real special. So pathetic. Moping around about some guy who didn't even have the stones to fight back. That's right. I knew all about your daddy. I even know the guy who killed him. Freddie. Shot him point blank just because he felt like it."

Persona's dry laugh filled my lungs with rage.

"Seven years was no time at all with a sure thing like your mother. She was half a woman when I finally made my move. Tempting her was simple enough and I knew once she was hooked there was no need for concern. She had drank most of her insurance money, but she was still valuable. I could still use her until I had everything I needed. A nice little family proved the perfect cover for my business."

"You're a piece of shit." I said through gritted teeth and fresh tears.

He smiled, "Not so confident now huh? I only wish I had taken him out myself. Freddie said he was a real waste. Didn't even have any money on him. Pathetic."

I threw my hands over my ears and screamed for him to shut up. All of this was too much to process. I was tired, dirty, and bleeding. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing. He waited all these years for the perfect moment to drop this information on me, but could just as easily be lying to rattle me. Whatever his reason, I was sufficiently rattled and I just wanted to hide away, but with a gun still trained on me I needed to put my survival first. I sank to my knees and shook my shoulders. It didn't require much acting on my part. I was already trembling and he had already seen my tears. Feeling full of himself, I can hear him shuffling closer to me. I sank further to the ground so that I was kneeling with my head pressed to my right thigh.

"That's right little girl. This is where you belong: kneeling in front of me, shaking, and afraid. Don't worry you'll see your pathetic father soon enough."

I hear the gun cock and with that I shoot up grabbing the barrel. He fires the gun, but the bullet misses me by inches and the barrel is burning my hands, but I hold tight as I relieve him of his grip and with a single swing I send the butt of the gun into Persona's left eye. Which sent the pin on its remaining pilgrimage into Persona's skull. His body went limp and dropped on top of me with an audible thud.

As I lay there breathing, staring at the sky, I couldn't believe how quiet the world was all of sudden. My ragged breathing could not pierce the tranquility that had suddenly befallen the place. I just laid there. The war was over, I had won, but I didn't rejoice or revel in this victory. In ancient myths, knights would slay dragons and parade the severed heads around on a pike. I had called Persona an assortment of names over the years, demonizing him to make my plight more bearable, but at the end of this long winded battle, I realize that laying on top of me was just a body. A body of a man that I had killed.

When it became a question of him or me, I had chosen me. I knew how easy it was to just give up and succumb to your nightmares and let them control you, but I had fought back. This isn't a victory I'm proud of, but it was the lesser of two evils. Letting Persona control me and consume me would have been far worse for those I love than the guilt of this outcome for me.

So I laid there, not rejoicing, but asking my father and God and the forest to forgive me. Forgive me for what I had to do, Forgive me-

"Mikan!"

"Hotaru!" I screamed.

I couldn't get Persona's body off of me, but I was so happy to hear Hotaru's voice that I was crying again. For a moment I thought maybe I really was in hell and my punishment was to be with Persona's body forever. But I can hear the shuffling of feet running towards me.

"I'm here! Hotaru! I'm here!" I was shouting as much as my pinned down body would let me.

Hotaru along with Ruka and several police officers appeared from the darkness. The officers had stopped with their flashes on me, stunned at what a sight I must be. Hotaru didn't stop though. She charged past them and started to pull Persona off of me.

"Help me!" she shouted at Ruka who was also driven to a halt by the sight.

He joined Hotaru and the two of them pulled Persona's body off of me. He fell beside me with a thump and I tried my best to sit up. Hotaru wasted no time helping me. Her face was twisted into a worried and horrified expression. I can hear one of the officers use his radio to call for a paramedic. Hotaru was checking my face and head and I could tell from the tears welling up in her eyes I must look worse than I feel.

"You're so stupid! You could've died!" She was yelling at me, but I was too happy to see her to care.

"I'm here," was the only thing I could say over and over.

And I am here. My body is hurting and tired, but I'm still here. In Hotaru's arms staring up at the dark sky, I can feel my heart fluttering with life and I know that everything is going to be different now. A few months ago I woken up among furniture debris, thinking that this is what death must be like, but here again on the forest floor I know this is what it's like to be born again.

* * *

><p>When I woke up in the hospital, my first instinct was to panic. Was it all a dream? Did I have too much to drink at the party? A tight grip on my hand pulled me out of my spiraling thoughts. The dark head of hair coupled with a wrinkled black t-shirt told me who it was immediately. How long had he been there? Natsume sat in a chair next to my bed with his head resting on top of our locked hands. With my free hand I stroke his silky locks gently, torn between waking him and hanging on to the silence for a little bit longer. His shoulders rode the gentle rise and fall of his breaths. He must be exhausted to be sleeping so deeply.<p>

My bandages were tight and covered me almost from head to toe. Flashes of the night began to swim through my mind. I couldn't put sounds and images together, they all swirled together in my mind. Hotaru screaming, Persona falling on top of me, the gun shots ringing through the forest, it was all so surreal.

"Natsume." I whispered.

He didn't stir so I gave his hand a squeeze before calling his name again. His head shot up and his eyes adjusted. He blinked at me with an expression of concern. After registering that I was indeed awake and speaking he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze and sighed deeply.

"You idiot. Why did you leave?"

"Well it's nice to see you too. Glad to see my little near death experience did nothing to soften you." I mocked.

He pulled my hand to his lips and looked at me with that Hyuuga gaze. We sat in silence like that for a minute and he closed his eyes.

"I was scared." He said after another minute.

"You were?"

"I couldn't find you anywhere and when the cops showed up and the ambulance, I thought… I thought… God Mikan are you crazy?"

"You thought what?"

"I thought I wouldn't get to tell you…"

"Tell me what?"

"About Sumire and me."

"…Oh."

"There's nothing going on. I was pissed at you so I let her answer my phone when she crashed my place the other night. She followed me to the party and I knew what you would think so I just… It was stupid."

"You were that mad at me? You had to enlist Sumire to make me jealous?"

I don't think I've ever seen Natsume flustered. The averted gaze and pinkish tinge in his cheeks was enough to make my tears start to well up.

"What are you crying for? I said it was stupid." He said in and aggravated tone.

I shook my head, "I'm not sad. I'm actually happy. If you wanted me to be jealous then you still…"

I didn't know how to finish the sentence. Care about me? Of course he cared about me, but that's not what I wanted to say. Love me? That seemed like a stretch even after all we've been through. How could I tell Natsume that he loved me before he even said it himself? Especially after I rejected him. By his silence I knew he didn't know how to fill in my blank either. Is it supposed to be this hard?

"Do you remember the first time we met? I thought you were just some stupid klutz, but the way you looked, the way you screamed… It wasn't until later that I realized you must've thought I was him."

"I remember. My heart was pounding so hard, but then I saw your red eyes and knew you weren't."

"I didn't know why, but I never wanted you to look at me that way again."

"Is that why you tried so hard to get on my nerves?"

He kissed my hand and smirked, "I didn't have to try."

"Of course you didn't. You're just naturally irritating."

"And you're an idiot and stubborn and loud and a martyr and a nutcase-,"

"Please don't hold back it's not like I almost died or anything."

His face fell and he went silent, "Don't ever do that again."

He stood and brought his lips to mine and I realized how restricting my injuries are. I just wanted to pull him closer and kiss him until we were both breathless but my bandages kept me rigid. The kiss wasn't nearly as long as either of us wanted, but we managed to pull apart before my doctor came in to check on me.

As Natsume left to go get Hotaru, I pressed my warm palm to my tingling lips. It wasn't like any kiss we had shared before because for the first time everything is out in the open and Persona is gone.

Persona is gone.

My doctor went over the extent of my injuries and how long I'd have to be on bed rest. He told me there were detectives wanting to speak to me.

"I can tell them you're still resting." He told me with evident concern on her face.

I shook my head, "No it's okay. I'm ready."

The two male detectives came in after the doctor left and shut the door behind them. They looked intimidating in their black suits and guns and badges, but I didn't have anything to hide.

Not anymore.

"Start from the beginning." One of them said sitting down.

So I did. Every detail. Every horrible experience. Everything.

It wasn't like when I poured my heart out to Hotaru. I didn't cry and I didn't feel weak. Persona had lost and though I didn't feel like I won, I know I did. Youichi and I are free. There's going to be no more fear, no more nightmares, no more feeling like my life is being targeted by a jaded and cynical force.

So I gave them my full confessions.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Epilogue<strong>

"Natsume quit it!" I scream.

"Why? You said I could have it."

"One. I said you can have one."

Natsume lifts _my _box of cotton candies out of my reach. Carnivals with your boyfriend are supposed to be romantic, but when your boyfriend is stingy with the cutesy couple stuff, you end up with your candy being stolen.

Eight months ago I never imagined my life being this way. Eight months ago I didn't even know if I was going to make it through the night. After I told the detectives my story and got released from the hospital a week later, I was told that Persona's death was a result of self-defense and no charges were being filed against me. They maintained their professionalism with a few raised eyebrows here and there as I told them my story. In all their years of police work they had never had a case like mine. I didn't know whether to be flattered so I said nothing.

Both my grandfather and Yuka came to visit me after being notified by the police of my little rumble in the forest. My Jii-chan was pretty quiet and Yuka cried a lot. All in all it was pretty awkward experience. Yuka and Youichi meeting again. Hotaru meeting my mother. Natsume meeting my Jii-chan and Yuka. I shudder at the memory, but it's all behind us now.

Yuka is still living with Jii-chan and is helping raise money by selling floral arrangements and making Yukatas and Kimonos. She was so happy to no longer have tremors in her hands she vowed to do something with them every day. Al the sewing has been a good therapy for her as well.

Jii-chan still looks after her being as strong as he is, but they have a live-in nurse now, Claire, the same woman who helped my mother get back on her feet in rehab. She's really nice and not at all what I pictured for a half-British bed-nurse. She and Jii-chan got along instantly and are quite the mahjong playing pair.

I see them as much as I can with my best friend being in Tokyo and my boyfriend being groomed to take-over Hyuuga International. I'm spread pretty thin these days.

The news of Persona's death hit the tabloids like a hurricane. For weeks all the media outlets were clamoring for a statement from me, Hotaru, or anyone who might have been even remotely involved. I got offered a million yen to do a daytime talk show interview. The death of one of the most up and coming drug dealers involved in the kidnapping of not one, not two, but _three_ of Nagoya's elite children sent the media into a frenzy. The question splashed on every page was "Who is Mikan Sakura?" and what was my connection to this wannabe drug lord and these elite families. The media managed to spin stories that were more gruesome than the truth.

Hotaru was supportive of my every decision. I wanted to carry on as normal so we did, but the flood of media hounds and paparazzi was too much to bare. So we hid. Mostly at Hotaru's mansion, but Youichi was going to miss too much school if we kept on like that. It would have been a waste of the beautiful summer months, so I did what I thought was the most logical: I agreed to the interviews.

I got dazzled up and shoved in front of more cameras than I could count. My personal ramblings about my life got published and put on shelves all over Japan. I became a bit of a sensation. A survivor. A runaway. Thrown into the public sphere to be questioned and prodded. It was actually kind of exciting and uncomfortable and nauseating, but like all sensations the buzz died down and the tabloids moved on, but my bank account was more than grateful for my fifteen minutes of fame. Hotaru told me I should invest. I hardly thought I had enough financial know-how to invest wisely so I put my money into something I started to believe in: myself.

With the help of my money savvy best friend we started a business. I was lucky. Running away from home had been the best thing I could've done for Youichi and myself, but not everyone gets as much luck as I have. I wanted to do something to reach out to those who haven't been as lucky as me. The same homeless street kids people like Persona target to be drug mules, lackeys, and clientele needed a bit of luck on their side too.

So we opened a shelter for kids and teens of unstable home lives. It's a refurnished old building with security guards, counselors, and nurses. It's more than a shelter really. We've created an organization that goes above and beyond for the kids who are brave enough to come to us for help. With sponsorship from the Imai, Hyuuga, and Nogi families, the Runaway Love Foundation skyrocketed to success. The mission to get kids off the street and out of abusive homes to put them on the path of healing and education was something everyone could get behind. The local authorities partnered with our counselors and medical staff to teach self-defense and establish an open-door policy that will allow anyone to come forward to put their attackers and abusers behind bars.

Runaway Love became the talk of the town and placed me in the dead center of another media circus, but this time I was full of pride and I was confident and not at all nauseous. I spread my message of love to anyone willing to hear to help anyone like me like Youichi even like Yuka, to know that the universe isn't a sadist and all you need to do to get help is ask. As CEO of a major corporation I'm pretty busy, but I still make time for my friends and family and squeeze in a cup of coffee at Imai's.

I never thought my life could be like this, but I know I'm never letting go.

"Oi baka, the food cart is that way." Natsume says.

"That's my line. You better replace my cotton candy."

I throw the empty carton in the trash and follow Natsume to the line. He takes my hand, but keeps his eyes on the vender. Youichi and Aoi are in the house of mirrors a few feet away I keep my eyes on the exit for his little tuffs of grey hair and her ebony pigtails. I let my eyes wander the crowd. It's a beautiful day to wander around a carnival all of the smiling faces and spinning rides. Behind a prize booth I can see a pair of dirty sneakers sticking out.

Now in my line of work I'm no stranger to paparazzi following me trying to get snapshots of Natsume and I being cutesy or Hotaru and I looking fabulous, but every so often I get a different kind of follower. I give Natsume's hand a small squeeze and give him a look he knows all too well. I walk casually to the prize booth and give the vendor some money to play the ring toss. I sink two out of the three hoops which is enough for a small dog. The small sneakered feet are still behind the booth. I give the dog a gentle toss so that it lands just past the feet. They disappear behind the booth in surprise. A second later a small hand reached out for the toy. Blue eyes looked cautiously around from behind caramel bangs as the small fingers closed slowly around the dog's stuffed tail. She caught sight of me and disappeared behind the booth again.

I knelt down as best I could in my cream sundress, careful to tuck the hem beneath my thighs.

"I seemed to have dropped my dog. You wouldn't mind grabbing it for me would you?" I called aloud.

I have no idea if the girl is still there, but something told me she was. She eventually emerged with the dog in hand. Her eyes were on the ground as she shuffled from behind the booth. Her clothes were dirty and her cheeks smudged. She held out the dog with her gaze on the crowd. I held my palm open to receive the dog, when she finally looked at me again I could see the faint darkness of a bruise healing around her left eye.

"You can keep this if you want. He looks like he could use a friend like you." I said.

She clutched the dog to her chest, but her face remained blank.

"What are you going to call him? He looks like a Buddy or maybe a Max."

She looked at the stuffed pup for a moment and then back at me, "Eddie."

"Eddie? That is a special name. Good choice. What about you? Do you have a name?"

"Sasori." She said.

"That's an even better name than Eddie." I said beaming.

That earned me a smile, "You're nice."

"I'd like to think so."

"You're Mikan Sakura. I saw your picture at the bus stop."

"That's me. Did you want to talk to me?"

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded up sheet of notebook paper. I unfolded it carefully. The writing was in small print and the words slanted as if written under duress. It read:

_Dear Mikan Sakura,_

_My name is Kaori. This is my daughter Sasori. She loves painting and catching fireflies. She is my special light in this world. Things at home are not the best. My husband is out of work and things are getting worse all the time. I read your book and I admire your strength and spirit. I know about your Runaway Love facility and how you take care of a lot of children there. Miss Sakura this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I must do it for Sasori. I'm putting her on the 11:45 bus to Nagoya and I've given her specific instructions on how to find you. Please don't judge me too harshly. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm in no condition to travel. Please take care of my Sasori. Let her light find yours._

_-Kaori_

No matter how many of these letters, notes, or emails I read, the urge to cry is always very strong. Sasori can't be much older than seven or eight years old. She squeezed the dog to her chest and imitated barking noises. The letter was dated three days ago. Three days is much too long for a little girl to be all alone in the world. I fought back the tears and smiled as Sasori looked up at me.

"Well Sasori, it looks like it's my lucky day getting to meet you."

She looked at me and grinned widely at me. I took her small hand and found my way back to Natsume who had two boxes of cotton candy ready for us.

I wish I could say Sasori is the first little girl to find me like this or even the youngest child to find me at all, but a lot of caregivers and parents have found methods of getting their children to our facilities where we can examine, bathe, and care for them until a better home life can be established. I wish I could a lot of the stories end in a fairy tale manner, but the harsh reality of a lot of these situations is that we hold on to a lot of these kids till they go to University or go off to work and make it on their own. I wish I could say we have a one hundred percent success rate with every child or teen who comes here and none of them turn to drugs and abuse.

I wish I could say all of those things and my heartaches for every instance that I can't, but I choose to focus on these moments. When I have a tiny hand closed in mine and their face isn't scared or empty and just for a moment this is all they know. Stuffed animals and cotton candy treats.

I can't save everyone, but I did save myself and Youichi.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing bruises fade and happy smiles and laughter filling every room. Things aren't perfect there's always some snotty lawyer to battle or some abusive parent who wants to break down the doors to get their punching bag back, but I won't let that happen.

I promise at the end of my book to fight for a better world and though my confessions are of a scared little nobody who was hopeless without her friends, I found my strength and happiness in the darkest of places.

A new life was forged in the ruins of the old one and it's everything I needed because it brought me everything I could have ever wanted.

"Do you want to come with us Sasori? I have some people I really want you to meet."

Sasori's small smile grew into that wide grin I'm growing ever so fond of. She takes my hand more firmly this time and I can't think of anything to be upset about in this moment.

I am light and if you ever need to find your way, I'll be here. Just hop on a bus and head my way.

-M.S.

* * *

><p><em>Thank you.<em>

_From every part of me: Thank you._

_Thank you for sticking with me through the painfully long updates, the horrible editing, the typos, the cliffhangers, the tears, and the growth of my characters and myself as a writer. All of you are beautiful spirits that has lit up my world. When I started on this site I was a lonely girl who never thought she'd have much readers, but to grow from a few to so many and to see my work progress and to see all of you take notice and take time to read and comment, you have no idea what it means to me. You've given me so much and if there is ever anything I can do for you, drop me a line or follow me on tumblr send me an email even if it's just to say hi._

_Thank you for being apart of my life and lighting up my world,_

_And as always_

_Lots of love,_

_Chi-chan _


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